Louder Than Words
by InternThree
Summary: In the weeks following "Flight," Meredith tries to come to terms with her sister's death. This book covers 5 years of time with lots of flashbacks. Multiple characters are featured (yes including Mark :), but it basically tells Lexie's story through her sister's eyes. Don't worry-there are plenty of happy parts! It's pretty much a full-fledged novel, so check it out if you'd like.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi everyone! Thanks for clicking on this story. I've been working on it for awhile now, so I appreciate you checking it out. Here are a few things you should probably know about it.**

**First off, it takes place several weeks after "Flight," the season eight finale of the show. Like many, I was pretty upset that Lexie died and so this story was born. No, this is not one of those stories where Lexie miraculously lives (though I'm sure I'd enjoy those!). The plane crash happens as it did in the show. But this is the story of how Meredith copes with her death while also remembering her life. It's the story of their relationship and how it changed over time. While much of the action takes place in the present, there will be frequent flashbacks to the previous five years, so you'll see a lot of different characters who have popped in and out of the hospital. And yes, you'll see plenty of Lexie as well.**

**Some parts may seem a little confusing at first, but trust me, the picture gets clearer as you keep reading. There will be sad parts, but sweet parts as well, so if it feels a little depressing at first, just know that the mood tends to shift as the story moves forward. The chapters were originally longer than your typical fan fiction, so I've tried to break them up a bit. Also, I'm not any kind of doctor, so I apologize in advance for any medical inaccuracies. **

**Anyway, I think that's it for now. So here we go… Oh, and reviews are very, very much appreciated. They definitely serve as a great motivator when it comes to updating. Thanks again!**

**Author's Update: Season nine has just started, but I have yet to watch it. _Louder Than Words_ sticks pretty close to the story lines through season eight. However, I'm sure things will vary from the upcoming season. This story is already mapped out and though I still have a LOT left to post, the version on my computer is nearly finished. At this point, I'm just trying to edit the chapters and fix a few scenes. But it won't change based on what Grey's does next. Differences are to be expected and any similarities will be unintentional. Enjoy! :)**

* * *

**Chapter One**

_"But ever since I knew you existed, I had this fantasy about my big sister. And you have failed, on every occasion, to live up to that fantasy. But I still love you, whether you are capable of letting me or not. So I forgive you." –Lexie Grey_

* * *

Meredith Grey couldn't sleep. She desperately wanted to go back to the hospital, some place with noise, people shouting, monitors beeping, all those sounds that came with saving lives. That was where she was the most comfortable, where the world made the most sense. Sometimes horrible things happened there, sad things, things that crushed your heart and soul, but she was prepared for it. She was trained for it. And sometimes she could fix it. And if not… well, then there were so many other distractions, other lives to be saved, other things that could make her forget.

But here… here in a dark house on the edge of Seattle… here it was too quiet. There were no late night talks, no sounds of feet padding down the hallway. The only thing she could hear was her own heart beating in her chest, pumping her blood through her body. It was just one more reminder that she was alive, still around after nearly drowning, nearly dying, time and time again. She'd survived explosions and gunmen and ambulance accidents. All of that luck… all of that life she had lived. And then she'd stepped onto a plane, one stupid plane that had never reached its destination.

Meredith tried not to think about that as she looked in on Zola. Her daughter was sleeping, one tiny hand tucked under her chin. Zola had no idea how much the world had changed. She didn't feel the grim shift in her home. She didn't seem to notice the sudden absence of laughter. No, she was still happy, peaceful…

Meredith let the door close and continued down the hallway. That forest should have been peaceful… It should have been peaceful and quiet, just like this house. The air should have smelled fresh, hinted with the scent of pine needles instead of the scent of smoke and jet fuel. It should have been a day of gratitude, of prayers made and prayers answered. But it hadn't been… Meredith sighed. It hadn't been at all.

The sound of metal banging against the hull of the plane… On second thought, maybe this deathly quiet wasn't so bad. Because that… that pitiful tapping out in the forest, it still haunted her. It was the worst sound she could ever imagine.

Who would have thought? She'd heard bones break, patients screaming in agony. She'd heard families crying en masse, their bodies so wracked with sobs that she thought they might die right there on the spot. But again, she'd been ready for all of it. The tapping… nothing on earth could have prepared her for that… or for everything that came after.

Meredith blinked back tears as she made her way down the stairs. She wasn't quite sure where she was going, only that she had to keep moving. Because if she stopped, if she closed her eyes, even for a second, she'd see it… The hand sticking out of the wreckage, looking so small…

"Lexie…"

She was there in the kitchen, standing behind the island… just as she had been the night before… and the night before that. Meredith knew she should have been surprised to see her sister. But the truth was, nothing surprised her anymore. The sudden twists and turns in her life, she'd given up trying to react to them all.

"You're up late."

A bright smile, the kind that came so naturally to her, quickly spread across Lexie's face. But behind it, Meredith could see the concern.

"I didn't wake you, did I?"

"No," Meredith shook her head, ever aware of how sensitive Lexie could be. "No, it wasn't you. I just… I have a lot on my mind I guess."

"Yeah… I know."

Lexie's smile faded, just for a second. No one else would have caught it. But somewhere along the way, Meredith had become more attuned to her sister's expressions… joy… hurt… excitement… sadness. All of them had been filed in Meredith's brain, just one more way to help her navigate a complicated relationship. She realized now what a waste that had been.

"So how's life at the hospital?" Lexie turned away, as if reading her mind. They'd been talking around the truth for days now, making light of a situation that could never be funny. It was easier just to meet up in the kitchen, to have dessert, tease each other a little. "Any sink holes or plagues?"

"Not yet."

"How about locusts?"

"Ewww," Meredith shuddered as she lowered herself onto a nearby stool. "Don't even joke."

"Fires?"

"Nope."

"Okay, how about hurricanes?" Lexie glanced over her shoulder. "It felt like the wind was picking up earlier."

Clearly, she'd had time to think about all the other ridiculous possibilities for the poor, cursed doctors at Seattle Grace/Mercy West. They'd experienced so, so many horrible things, way more than their fair share. Lexie wasn't the first one to joke about it. They needed some way to cope after all, some way to release all of that tension and anger.

"You can see it, can't you?"

Lexie squinted a little, as if the scene was playing out right in front of them. Her hands twirled through the air, directing all the invisible characters.

"Alex as the reluctant hero, huddling with small, adorable children. Derek running down the hall, every hair still in place-"

"Is he running in slow motion?" Meredith grinned as Lexie finally found the two bowls she'd been searching for. "I feel like he would run in slow motion."

"It kinda seems that way, right?"

Lexie laughed and Meredith closed her eyes, just for a second, wishing she could record this moment. Now there was a sound she really missed. Her sister was one of those lucky people. She tended to see the brighter side of life. Sure, she'd had her heart broken, but she'd always bounced back. She was resilient, happy. And she laughed… or she had laughed… once upon a time.

"Well…" Meredith sighed, wondering how much longer they could go on like this. "As much as I'd love to see my husband run in slow-motion-"

"And you really would-" Lexie added

"I really, really would." Meredith had no problem admitting to that. "I can't say we've had any hurricanes yet." She paused and thought about that for a second. "Unless you want to count Owen. He's pretty much a force of nature right now, the horrible, pain in the ass kind."

"Sounds fun."

"Oh, it's fun alright."

Meredith watched as Lexie reached into the freezer and pulled out the ice cream. Chocolate chip cookie dough, her absolute favorite. The carton had been sitting in there for weeks, unopened.

"Owen's just rushing around," Meredith continued, not wanting to get off track. "He's still not sure who's staying or going. I think I told you, he hired Kepner back. But meanwhile, he keeps asking all these questions and doing evaluations and basically driving everyone crazy. And if he's not driving you crazy, then he's treating you like you're broken."

Lexie's back was to her, but still, Meredith could see her shoulders slump just a little.

"You're not broken," she said quietly.

Meredith bit her lip, realizing she'd hit a nerve. Somehow, she'd strayed into the one topic they'd been trying so hard to avoid.

"You're right, I'm not," she amended, hoping that would be enough to bring Lexie back around again. "I'm not broken, Lex."

Maybe it was a lie, but it didn't matter anyway. What did matter was getting past it, jumping right back into her story.

"Basically, the whole place is just a madhouse right now." Meredith smoothed over the transition with more hospital gossip. That stuff was so much easier to talk about.

"We've got three new surgeons, all supposedly temporary. I mean, the plastics lady… Christina calls her FrankenBarbie. This woman, she has no wrinkles on her forehead. I mean none," Meredith ran her fingers over the smooth countertop, just to further illustrate her point. "She's the perfect cliché. Once she puts her mask on for surgery, it's like staring at a wax figure."

"Yuck." Lexie wrinkled her nose, properly horrified. At least now she was back into the story.

"Avery's refusing to do any surgeries with her," Meredith continued. "He said he can't tell whether she's happy with his work or getting ready to murder him."

"She's probably getting ready to jump him," Lexie mumbled to herself as she scooped out the ice cream. "They usually are."

"Lexie!"

"What?" Lexie tried to appear innocent, a look that usually worked for her. But not this time, not on this particular subject.

"You're not exactly one to talk."

Lexie quickly slid a bowl in Meredith's direction, her eyes cast downward as her face turned beet red. Meredith smiled. This felt good, normal, just like all those other nights that they'd met up for dessert. But eventually, Lexie's gaze began to wander and Meredith could see her mind working, trying to formulate a question she wasn't sure how to ask.

"And you?" She glanced up slowly. "You're back in surgery, right?"

"Yeah, I start this week."

Someone had to get back to work, after all. Derek was still recovering, Mark refused to even step foot in the building, Arizona was on crutches and everyone seemed sure that Christina was just one botched surgery away from another breakdown.

"So, they really think you're ready?" Lexie stumbled a little. She was obviously nervous broaching this subject. "They think you're okay?"

"I already told you," Meredith stirred up her ice cream, her spoon scraping the side of the bowl. This was not a matter she wanted to discuss.

"I'm not broken. I'm fine."

It was stupid, she realized that. Who exactly was she trying to fool? Certainly not the girl eating ice cream in front of her. That was all but impossible and they both knew it. And yet they'd continue to pretend, continue to keep talking and talking about everything that no longer mattered.

"But you should see Owen."

Meredith attempted to change the subject again. It was a losing battle, of course. Eventually, everything would circle back to her. But she wanted to delay that for as long as humanly possible.

"He's just, he's everywhere." She tried to smile, tried to return to silly hospital tales. "And he's suddenly all nice, like creepily nice to us, buying donuts and bringing in lunches. Christina thinks he's losing his mind."

"He just wants you guys to be happy again." Lexie's tone was solemn and Meredith knew their light-hearted conversation was over. Lexie was no longer playing along. "I mean, is that really so bad?"

Meredith just shook her head, trying not to get upset at the turn this had taken. She had so little time here with her sister. But still, she couldn't let that pass without saying something. Because Seattle Grace/Mercy West, it wasn't the place that Lexie remembered.

"Happy is not a word I'd ever use for that hospital," she explained quietly. "Not anymore."

"But you've been happy there," Lexie pressed on. "You shouldn't just think of all the crappy stuff that happened. There was other stuff, better stuff. That's where Derek proposed. It's where you met Christina and Alex and Zola…"

"And you…"

The words caught in Meredith's throat.

"That's where I met you."

"You're right."

Lexie was trying hard to hide her sadness, but once again, her sister could easily see it. That day, that first meeting, it was seared into both of their minds. So much had happened since then. So much had changed.

"But you're allowed to keep going, Mer," Lexie attempted a half-hearted smile. "I mean, things can't just stop, right?"

Meredith swallowed, hoping she could push back the wave of emotions that was about to wash over her. But her efforts were useless and she felt her face growing warmer, her throat closing up.

"They already have," Meredith's voice fell. "Everything's stopped."

Lexie glanced down again, staring into her quickly melting bowl of ice cream. She didn't seem to know what to say anymore. But finally, something grabbed her attention. She nodded towards the fruit bowl, perfectly placed in the center of the table.

"You started buying apples again."

"What?" Meredith tilted her head as if she hadn't quite heard her.

"The apples," Lexie pointed with her spoon. "I noticed them earlier."

Maybe that was supposed to make Meredith feel better, to serve as a reminder that Lexie didn't mind, that it was okay for her to move on. But if anything, it had the exact opposite effect. Lexie hated apples. It was one of the first things Meredith had learned about her.

_I hate apples, hate them. I think they shouldn't be allowed to be a fruit._

And years ago, when Lexie had first moved in, Alex had decided to test this declaration of hers. He'd skinned an apple then spiked her fruit salad with tiny slices of golden delicious. After that, they had waited, trying not to stare as Lexie ate her breakfast. She'd been too busy chatting to notice the offending fruit. She'd talked about Christina and surgeries and all the new techniques she wanted to learn. And it had all seemed very funny… until Lexie actually bit into the apple, tried to spit it out and started choking instead. A table full of doctors had frozen in horror… all except for Alex Karev. He'd leapt out of his chair like it was on fire, then performed the fastest Heimlich maneuver ever on record.

After that, Meredith had stopped buying apples, even after Lexie moved out and then back in again. The little round fruit hadn't returned… until now.

"Derek brought those home," Meredith finally spoke up again. Suddenly, it felt like the ultimate betrayal, like a sign that Lexie no longer mattered, that she was no longer wanted here.

"He and Zola, they picked them at an orchard somewhere."

"Meredith, it's okay," Lexie was still trying to reassure her, still trying to make her feel better about all of this. "They're just apples. They're not gonna kill me."

_They're not gonna kill me…_

How had this happened, Meredith suddenly wondered. Why did everything hurt so much more than she could ever recall?

She stared at Lexie for a long moment, her eyes moving over every inch of her sister. Her dark hair was pulled back from her face, fastened in a hair tie. And instead of pajamas she wore jeans and the striped sweater that Meredith remembered so well. She looked younger, like the girl she'd first met so many years ago.

That day, that scene outside the emergency room, it made Meredith cringe just to think about it. Everything had gone wrong… right from the beginning, everything had gone wrong. She should have known even then, that this is how it would end, that somehow she'd doomed her little sister from the start. She'd wanted her to disappear and now… now this.

Sweet little Lexie… The girl who seemed to love everyone and everything, the aunt that Zola adored, the resident that Derek had come to rely on…

Meredith could hear the tapping on the plane again, see the seatbelt buckle hitting the fuselage… Her eyes filled with tears as she sighed, wishing she could go back. She just wanted the chance to go back again.

"I'm sorry…"

"Meredith, it's fine, I'm okay." Lexie came around the island. She took the opposite stool then reached for her sister's hand. But Meredith pulled away.

"No, you're not," she murmured under her breath. "You're not."

"Meredith…"

She could see the tail section, seeming so out of place in that beautiful forest. She'd told Lexie to enjoy the flight. It had rained recently so the air would be clear, they'd be able to see for miles. It was the kind of crap that her sister ate up.

_Stop worrying about everything, stop worrying about Mark, or whether I'm gonna move. Just enjoy the view. Just relax for once… the rest you can figure out when we get home…._ Those words replayed in Meredith's mind over and over again. _When we get home…_

"What were you even doing in the back of the plane?" Meredith looked up at her sadly. "There were other seats."

"Meredith, there were six of us."

"But there were still other seats."

"That was just the one I sat down in," Lexie shrugged helplessly, knowing she couldn't give her sister the answer she wanted. "It was empty, it was there."

"But still," Meredith's voice wavered as the forest began to close in all around her. She could see it, feel it…. All of that terror.

"You should have found another seat."

Lexie started to say something, but her voice was drowned out. Now Meredith could hear all those noises again, the ones from that day, the ones she couldn't forget. Screaming and crying and tapping… always tapping. That awful seat belt…

She pressed her face into her palms, trying to stop the tears that were falling. And just for a second, she saw darkness, a peaceful nothingness. She tried to hold onto it, to stay in that space where nothing could hurt her, where the world was empty and devoid of pain.

But then it came back all at once, that image that was forever etched in her brain, the one she wanted so badly to forget. It was there. It was always there. That hand, looking so small as it reached out of the wreckage, searching for her help.

_Lexie…_

It was the last time she would ever see her sister alive.

* * *

**Okay guys… hope you liked the first chapter. The story definitely expands from here, so stay tuned. And PS, this is not a ghost story… :) Please review if you can.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

_"So I'm sure you are a very nice girl, Lexie. But I hope you can understand. You're not a girl I ever wanted to have to know." –Meredith Grey_

* * *

"I never wanted a sister."

She had said those words more than once. Five years ago, those words were her automatic response to everything that went wrong, every headache or problem that came her way. Because somehow, even after all of the losses she'd suffered, even after all the stupid mistakes she had made, the biggest disaster in Meredith's life seemed to be that girl, that girl who had been dropped into her world, like a bomb ready to explode. That girl with the bright eyes and the ready smile who had hit on Derek in a bar, _her _bar. Suddenly, she was everywhere.

She was Christina's new intern, Alex's occasional girlfriend. Hell, she'd even become George's roommate, giving him adorable little pep talks and puppy dog eyes. And though she fumbled and stuttered like a scared child on occasion, she was still smart and she had a father at home who loved her... and a mother who had loved her too. She was a reminder of everything that Meredith had missed out on, a bright and shiny reminder of everything she could have had.

Lexie Grey… Little Grey, they called her.

Meredith sighed and glanced up at Dr. Wyatt. It had been a long time since she'd visited here, the quiet office with the fish tank she so loved to stare at. Derek had made the appointment himself. He'd pushed gently and for once she'd been too exhausted to push back.

Dr. Wyatt didn't speak. Her hand was poised over her notebook, ready to jot down yet another one of Meredith's personal tragedies. But this one felt different somehow, more immediate, more confounding. Because honestly, Meredith no longer knew what to feel. Sadness yes, but anger, hatred, guilt, those were also on the table, one big mix of messy emotions she didn't know how to absorb.

"I never wanted a sister," she repeated those words one more time, testing how they sounded. It had been so long since she'd actually said them.

"But you got one…"

Dr. Wyatt's gaze was steady. She tilted her head to one side, indicating that they'd settled in now. Neither of them was going anywhere for awhile.

"Yeah…" Meredith looked down, wishing she could be anywhere else. "Yeah I did."

* * *

"Get out of the way!"

Meredith raced beside a gurney, her interns buzzing with nervous excitement. Silently, she cursed them. This poor patient… what bad luck to arrive here today, with all these fresh faces eager for carnage. A woman with no arm… this was the stuff they'd talk about later, the kind of case they'd tell their other intern buddies about. Oooh, look what I got to see on my first day. You got stitches… I got a woman with no arm. No freaking arm!

"Are-Are you Meredith Grey?"

Meredith nearly ran over the intern who had suddenly appeared in her path. Where had she come from anyway? And what the hell was she thinking standing in the doorway in the middle of an emergency?

"Yeah."

Meredith's response was automatic. Her eyes darted around the obstacle, searching for someone who could drag this random intern away. Where the hell was her resident?

"I'm-I'm Lexie." The girl stumbled over her words, her voice rising with nervous excitement.

"Great."

Meredith tried to be polite. She suddenly had a flash to what her first day had been like. Insane, crazy, terrifying. She was sure she'd done something at least as stupid as this. But still… This was an emergency and emergencies required focus, speed. This was so not the time for smiley-faced introductions.

"Move!" Meredith finally barked. But the girl just stood there, frozen in place.

"Lexie Grey…"

The name didn't register and Meredith was quickly losing her patience. She was just about to shove the intern aside, when the second part came.

"I'm your sister."

Meredith's racing mind slammed to a halt.

Lexie Grey… She stared at her, trying to grasp exactly what she was saying. Lexie Grey?

Meredith blinked, finally taking a moment to look at the girl. She was dressed in scrubs, one of those ugly yellow gowns draped across her. And she was pretty, the kind of pretty that guys were instantly drawn to. Nice smile… no tortured look in her eyes.

Meredith could already see it. There was a gentle sweetness there, a naiveté that allowed her to stand in the middle of an emergency, in the middle of Meredith's world, and make an introduction like this.

"Meredith!"

Someone was calling her name now. And her patient was bleeding. And this girl… there was no way that this girl was her sister.

"Get out of my way."

Meredith did her best to keep her tone even, but there was no hiding her disdain. There was no pretending that she was happy about any of this. Lexie's face fell and finally, mercifully, she seemed to remember where she was. All around her people were shouting, unable to figure out what the hold up was.

"I'm-I'm sorry."

She quickly stepped aside and Meredith pushed past her. Thankfully, a team was already waiting in the emergency room. They formed a circle around the patient as the eager interns surged forward, hoping for a better look…. All except Lexie.

Meredith glanced back one more time, eyeing this new intruder. Now that the commotion had moved inside, no one seemed to notice the lone figure in the doorway. The girl stood there, head down, clearly embarrassed about what she'd just done.

Lexie Grey… Meredith quickly shifted her focus back to the patient, wondering if this woman's bad luck was catching. Meredith didn't need this. Here was one more complication, one more mess in an already messy life. The words formed in her head almost immediately and she whispered them for the first time under her breath, even as chaos swirled all around her.

"I never wanted a sister."

* * *

Derek Shepherd had watched her from across the cafeteria numerous times. Years before, back when their relationship had seemed so forbidden, he'd walked in and spotted her instantly, then tried in vain to look somewhere else. She'd always been with her friends anyway, chatting quietly with Christina or laughing with Izzie and George, then Alex and Lexie, and all the others who'd come and gone.

But now Meredith sat there quietly by herself, a lone figure at a tiny table in the corner.

He wished he could help her. His fingers were practically shattered, but somehow he'd come out of the crash better than she had. He had nightmares but at least he slept. Meredith, on the other hand, she never seemed to stop. She wandered the house at all hours, never returning to their bed. He'd found her in the kitchen this morning, slumped over the table next to an empty fruit bowl.

Lexie hated apples… he remembered that now. He'd spotted a half-dozen of them in the trashcan this morning. But he'd left it alone. He hadn't wanted to provoke his wife, not right before her doctor's appointment.

"Hey."

He approached slowly, afraid he might startle her. But Meredith barely acknowledged his presence. She was dressed in her usual scrubs, but her hair had fallen into her face and her expression was unreadable.

"How'd it go with Dr. Wyatt?"

She raised an eyebrow and he instantly realized that he'd made a mistake. He should have started with a less daunting subject. But there was no longer any room to ask about lunch choices, or joke about the latest hospital gossip. He wasn't even back to work yet. He'd just stopped by for his physical therapy.

"She said I'm fine."

Meredith's response was quick and to the point. Her armor was up and Derek knew she was lying.

"Really? She said that?"

"Yeah, she did." Meredith had easily picked up on his skepticism. She was getting all prickly again. This had become a fairly common occurrence now. Maybe it was the exhaustion, maybe it was all of those memories she still couldn't face.

"Why?" she asked. "Are you a therapist, Derek?"

"No, right now I'm barely a doctor," he said patiently. He lifted his arm a few inches, the sling limiting his range of motion. "But I am still your husband and I'm worried about you."

"There's nothing to worry about," Meredith let out a sigh then stabbed at her salad. He could see her struggling to keep her irritation in check. "I'm fine. No lasting injuries and I'm cleared to be back here. So I'm fine."

"Then why did I find all those apples in our trash this morning?"

Meredith's head shot up. She knew she'd been caught.

"Maybe I don't like apples either," she finally mumbled. "That is possible. Maybe apple hatred just runs in the family."

"Or maybe you're just not ready to let go."

Meredith let her fork drop to her plate. Derek knew he was wading into dangerous territory. But he was tired of being ignored. He was tired of waking up every morning alone. She was grieving, yes, but he hadn't expected to see these flashes of anger, especially not the ones directed at him. Maybe he was just the closest target, but it still hurt all the same.

"Did you tell the doctor about Lexie?"

"She already knows about Lexie," Meredith said stiffly. "Everybody in the hospital knows about Lexie. When a plane falls on you, people tend to remember that."

Derek knew this routine. Meredith wanted to shock him, to get him to step back so she could distance herself. But instead of reacting, he simply repeated the question.

"Did you tell the doctor how hard it's been without her?"

"No," Meredith picked up her fork again. "I told Dr. Wyatt I never wanted a sister. And then we sat in silence for forty five minutes."

"You told her that you never wanted a sister?"

Meredith was upping her game, trying to provoke him. Derek knew her words were technically true. In the beginning, Meredith really hadn't wanted Lexie. But that had changed. Everything about their relationship had changed. And she knew that. She had to know that, right?

"That's such utter BS, Meredith."

Derek's patience was running thin.

"You loved that girl. You loved Lexie."

"Of course I did." Meredith finally looked at him, really looked at him for the first time that day. There was so much sadness buried in all of that anger. "But I never asked for this. I didn't ask for any of this."

It wasn't fair really. She struggled so much to open up to people. And now she had, she'd actually opened up to someone in her screwed up family, and this had happened.

"Do you know how much easier it would have been if she'd never shown up?" Meredith asked, the pain clear in her eyes. "She'd be alive and I-"

"You what?" Derek cut her off gently. "You wouldn't be feeling like this?"

He reached out across the table, taking her hand.

"Meredith, this is a process. There's no getting around it. You're grieving."

He knew she hated that word, but it seemed fairly accurate.

"You are grieving because you had a sister, a kind, wonderful sister who you loved. And now she's gone. And you can't change that. None of us can."

Meredith pulled her hand away slowly.

"Yeah, I know."

For just a moment, he'd pushed through all that pain and resentment. He'd found her, he'd grabbed hold of her. But now he could see her retreating again.

"I know Lexie's gone," she said bitterly. "I was in the forest, remember? And I was there when they buried her. I know exactly what her gravestone says and I could find that patch of grass in my sleep."

"Meredith-"

"No."

She stood up. She was done with this, he could tell, done with everybody's sad eyes, their constant reminders of everything she had lost.

"I've got a shift in the pit and you, you've got to pick up Zola because Lexie's not around to help babysit anymore. Because she's gone Derek, just like you said."

Meredith dropped her tray onto the table. The clatter filled the entire cafeteria and a few people turned to look. But Meredith didn't even care anymore.

She simply turned and walked away.

* * *

**Well thanks for reading Chapter Two! This is certainly one of the shortest chapters, but I just wanted to give you a sense of how the book will go. The flashbacks will definitely get longer moving forward (and many of them will stand apart from the show). And yes, it will get a little brighter as we go along, promise. :) In the meantime, if you'd like to leave a review, I'd appreciate it!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

"_We either adapt to change or we get left behind." –Meredith Grey_

* * *

Meredith was still trying to calm her racing heart as she entered the pit. She knew that she shouldn't have picked a fight with Derek. What was the point? What in the hell was she trying to accomplish? Maybe it was the lack of sleep. She'd been up so many nights now, eating dessert and talking… talking with Lexie.

Meredith had been talking to her dead little sister…

"Are you serious?"

She heard Alex Karev before she could see him. He was yelling at somebody, probably some hypochondriac patient or idiot teenager who had caused his own injury. He'd been under so much stress, trying to keep up while Arizona was gone. But still, Alex had been yelling an awful lot lately.

"Dumb ass!"

A curtain flew open and out he came, yanking off a yellow gown that was covered in blood. He spotted Meredith immediately and just shook his head.

"Don't ask. "

"How bad-"

"I'm serious," He slammed a chart down on the counter and started writing notes. "It'll make you cry for the future of humanity."

Meredith peered over his shoulder at his furious scribbling. At least it was legible. She didn't want someone dying simply because Alex was having a tantrum. It would be bad for the patient, dumb ass though he was, but it would also put a quick end to Alex's career. And Meredith had lost plenty of people already.

"Did you need something?" He turned abruptly, nearly knocking her over. His fingers closed a little tighter on his pen and his voice was strained as he fought to keep his anger at bay. "Because I'm kinda busy here."

Meredith considered walking away. She'd been thinking about this all morning, ever since she'd woken up in the kitchen. But now clearly wasn't the best time to approach him. Still, Christina was busy today and she wanted someone she could trust. And Alex... well, he was about as close as she could get right now.

_You have to find out…_ Meredith reminded herself. _You have to be sure there's not something wrong. _She owed that to Derek and Zola at least.

"I need you to run some tests." She said the words quickly, before she lost her nerve. "Just when you get a break, I need-"

"Dude, I've got my own patients." Alex gestured at the gaggle of interns by the door. "Grab someone from the brain trust over there."

"Alex..." She leaned in a little closer. "The tests are on me."

He stared at her for a long moment, not comprehending. His brain was apparently still working overtime, thinking of more horrible names to call his last patient, so she sighed and repeated her request again.

"I need _you_ to run some tests on _me_."

"What?"

Now he was getting it. The anger in his face vanished immediately.

"Why?"

He took a step back and looked her over. Normally she would tease him about this, remind him that just because he'd been with half the girls in this hospital, didn't mean he had a shot with her. But this time, there was genuine concern in his eyes.

"What's wrong with you?"

"Grey!"

Meredith whirled around as Owen shouted her name. She'd been so caught up in her own conversation that she'd missed the subtle shift around her. People were grabbing yellow gowns and barking out orders. And now she could hear the sirens approaching. A trauma was coming in.

She glanced back at Alex, who hardly seemed to notice the sudden commotion. He was still watching her carefully, looking for a sign that something was off. Crap, she had scared him, scared a guy who had lost nearly as much as she had. And now she didn't have the time to explain.

"I'll tell you later."

"Meredith-"

"It's fine, Alex." She started towards the door, giving him the biggest smile she could manage at this point. "It's nothing, I promise."

Outside, the ambulance had screeched to a halt. Meredith quickly snapped on some gloves as a nurse helped her with her gown. And just like that, the sliding doors opened and a wave of people rushed inside. There was the yelling again. And the gurney, it clattered on the floor as a dozen hands pushed it along. Meredith took a deep breath, reminding herself that this was her place. This was where she could do the most good.

"What do we have?"

Owen was at the end of the gurney, trying to get a better look at their patient. There were large scrapes along the left side of her body, ugly and red. Her leg had clearly been broken, probably in multiple places. But more worrisome was the large chunk of gauze they had pressed to her head. It was soaked in blood.

"Seventeen year old female," one of the paramedics sped through the intro. "She got hit in the crosswalk. Her brother and sister are in the rig right behind us."

"Avery!" Owen spotted Jackson across the room and waved him towards the door to meet the next ambulance.

"The driver didn't even stop."

The paramedic was disgusted, but they'd all heard so many stories like this. And there was no time to wonder about the driver or curse him for putting some innocent girl on this gurney. All they could do was try to save her.

"She's awake!" Owen called out. And indeed the girl's eyes were open now, darting around, filled with fear.

"You're gonna be okay."

Meredith had to shout over all the commotion as she pushed in closer to the gurney. She could see the girl a little bit better now. A lock of blonde hair had escaped from the gauze and fallen across her face. Meredith resisted the urge to tuck it behind her ear.

"We're gonna take care of you." It was a promise she'd made to so many patients. "We've got you, okay?"

The girl seemed to understand. Her eyes instantly focused on Meredith face, and then slowly, tentatively, her hand reached out. Her hand reached out, searching for something, anything to hold onto.

Meredith stopped abruptly as they entered the trauma room. Owen immediately got to work, yelling instructions at the nurses, but Meredith just stood there, staring at that pale little hand. This girl just needed someone to make this okay, to maybe make it hurt just a little bit less. But Meredith couldn't be that person.

It couldn't be her.

Suddenly the world was fading away again. The edges of the room disappeared, replaced by a darkness that was closing in rapidly. Sounds mixed together into a pulsing white noise and all she could see was that hand reaching out. But now, now it no longer belonged to her patient. It belonged to another girl, trapped under a plane, far, far away, in a place where she could no longer be saved.

_Oh god…_ Meredith backed away, nearly tripping over a cart on her way to the door.

"Dr. Grey!" Owen's voice was muffled, but she could feel his presence somewhere nearby. "Dr. Grey, I need you here."

Meredith shook her head. It was as if someone was crushing her chest, compressing her lungs so she could no longer breathe. She had to get out of here. But there were so many people. Paramedics and doctors and…

"Gracie!"

The piercing shriek yanked her back to reality. Another girl, not much older than their patient, burst through the door, trailing an anxious intern behind her. Meredith felt the air rush back to her lungs. The sounds were suddenly amplified now, the blood a little redder, the scene more intense.

_This is my world…_ she reminded herself, struggling to stay in the moment. She couldn't drift away again, not here, not now. _This is where I can do the most good…_

* * *

Christina Yang raced down the hallway.

"Move!"

She nudged a nurse aside as she slid into the elevator then punched a button for the first floor. She'd gotten the call a few minutes ago. They'd been working on a patient, a patient who'd coded then simply slipped away, even as they'd shocked his heart over and over again. It was the fourth one this week. Death seemed to have a firm grip on their hospital. Christina was getting tired of it, tired of losing so many people, tired of facing their horrified families. And now she'd gotten this call, one that made her stomach drop. Grace Murray was back. Teddy's former patient had been in an accident.

Christina cursed under her breath, silently urging the elevator to move faster. This girl had been waiting for a heart for six months now. She'd been in and out of their hospital for years before that. They'd fought so hard to keep her alive and now some idiot had hit her in a crosswalk. How the hell was that fair?

She shook her head as the doors finally opened. She should have known better than that. Since when had anything been fair around here? This was Seattle Grace/Mercy Death after all…

She blasted past a group of sputtering interns then hurried into trauma room one. She'd tried to prepare herself, but the sight still shocked her. The girl she'd known for so long, the one whose family she'd counseled through years of procedures, was laying there scraped up and bloody.

_Sonofabitch…_

"Dr. Yang?"

Owen looked over at her, caught off guard by her sudden appearance. Apparently, no one had told him the rest of the story.

"She's my patient," Christina explained.

Well technically, she was Dr. Armstrong's patient now, but Christina was claiming her anyway. She quickly ran down the girl's history, her medications, the procedures Grace had been forced to endure. Christina tried not to panic as she considered what this accident had done to her place on the transplant list. Eligibility was a very tricky thing.

_Dammit…_ She wanted to strangle the guy who'd been driving the car. _Dammit, dammit…_

"Ma'am, I need you to step back."

Owen had stopped listening to her. Instead his attention had turned to another woman in the room. Christina spotted her in the opposite doorway. And now her stomach dropped even farther.

"She's my sister!"

It was Jennifer Murray. She shoved her way forward, past the other doctors and interns. She grabbed her little sister's outstretched hand and gave it a squeeze.

"You're gonna be okay, Grace," she murmured. "You're gonna be fine, alright?"

Christina backed away slowly, happy that Jennifer hadn't recognized her yet. She'd let Owen deal with the distraught family for once. Christina wasn't quite ready to get involved. There would simply be too many questions, questions that Christina couldn't answer, not until Gracie was stabilized.

She turned and saw Meredith standing by the far wall, staring off into space. This wasn't exactly normal behavior, not in a trauma room, but Christina let it pass. They'd all been struggling a little bit lately.

"So, how long ago did she come in?"

"What?"

Meredith barely seemed to hear her so Christina quickly repeated the question.

"How long ago did she come in?"

"A few minutes," Meredith finally replied. She seemed exhausted, even more so than usual. But Christina didn't have time to worry about it.

"And she's been awake the whole time?"

"Yeah." Meredith nodded. Her gaze finally went back to Grace Murray. "Awake and responsive."

_Awake and responsive…_

"Gracie, you're okay," Jennifer was still hovering over her sister. "You're gonna be okay."

"Ma'am, you can't be in here," Owen was trying his best to keep his cool, but this sudden intrusion was throwing him off. He looked over at Meredith, his frustration evident. "Dr. Grey, I could really use your help here."

Owen gave a curt nod towards Jennifer and Meredith finally came back to life. She stepped past Christina then gently pulled the older girl back. But Jennifer refused to let go of her sister's hand and so they stood there, awkwardly, in the middle of the room as the other doctors worked all around them.

"What's your name?" Meredith was doing her best to distract the poor girl.

"Jennifer." The response was accompanied by a flood of tears, causing ugly black streaks of mascara to run down her cheeks. "Jennifer Murray." Her face crumpled as she glanced down at their patient. "We were just going shopping. We wanted to take our little brother-"

"Mason…"

Grace was wheezing as she struggled to talk. Christina finally stepped in, nudging a brand new resident aside. She needed to get a better sense of these injuries.

"Mason's okay," Jennifer reassured her sister. "We're both okay. And you're gonna be okay too."

"It hurts…" Grace coughed. Her chest rose and fell quickly, shuddering as she took in each breath. They'd already transferred her off the gurney and now Owen came around to her other side.

"What hurts Grace?"

She struggled to answer, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Everything."

This sent Jennifer into another fit of tears, but she hurriedly wiped them away with her free hand, trying her best to compose herself. Christina's eyes darted to Meredith. This was the last thing she needed right now. Crying siblings, one of them injured…

"I know it seems bad, Gracie."

Jennifer leaned over and gently touched her sister's face. Christina could feel Owen tense, but he didn't move to stop her.

"You're gonna get through this though. And we're gonna get Mason that stupid game that he wanted. And then we're both gonna pretend to lose when we play it just so his face lights up when he wins."

Grace managed a weak smile.

"He… he does like to win."

Jennifer glanced up at Owen, feeling the need to explain.

"He's only seven," she said softly. "Our little brother, he's only seven."

The implication was now painfully obvious. No one wanted to tell a child that his sister was dead. Grace closed her eyes for a moment and Meredith carefully extricated Jennifer's hand.

"We need to let them work now."

Jennifer finally nodded.

"I love you Gracie," her voice wavered. She looked back one more time as Meredith led her away. "I love you and I'll be right outside, okay?"

Christina wanted to follow them. She wanted to follow Meredith actually. She needed to know that her friend was okay, that this case hadn't shaken her too badly. But just then the monitor started blaring.

Christina quickly grabbed for the crash cart as Meredith pulled Jennifer out of the room.

* * *

"What's happening?"

Jennifer was starting to panic again.

"It's better not to watch," Meredith told her. "They just need some time to work."

She knew what came next, of course. The crash cart, that terrible whine as the paddles were charged. But there was no point in saying it, because the outcome of this story wasn't written just yet. Jennifer still had time to hope, time to believe that Grace would be okay, time to imagine that they'd finish that shopping trip. And she deserved that, because Meredith knew what the alternative felt like. And it was truly and horrifyingly awful.

"Dr. Hunt is one of the best," Meredith held her arm gently, propelling her forward. "And I promise you he's going to do everything he can-"

"So she's going to be okay, right?"

"We're going to do everything we can."

This was her mantra, her way of explaining to families that they would keep fighting, no matter how bad it looked. They would always keep fighting because here in this hospital, there was always a chance.

Jennifer nodded, realizing that this was the only answer she'd be getting for awhile. Finally she sighed, closing her eyes for a long, long moment, probably wondering how on Earth she had gotten here.

"Your brother..." Meredith didn't want to scare her again, but she needed to take the focus off Grace. "He's with Dr. Avery?"

"Yeah..." Jennifer sniffled. "He just has some scrapes on his arms. Grace pushed him out of the way."

"Okay."

Meredith led her over to a chair, worried that Jennifer might fall otherwise. Now that the adrenaline rush was over she seemed utterly drained. She ran one shaky hand through her hair as her eyes filled with tears again.

"I can't believe this," her voice broke. "I just-I can't believe this. I mean her heart... she's on the transplant list."

"You should sit."

"No," she tried to protest. "I should at least check on Mason. He must be so scared."

"He probably is," Meredith wasn't going to deny the obvious. She needed Jennifer to trust her right now. "So you have to take a moment and get yourself together, okay? Just take a deep breath."

"Okay..."

Jennifer pressed her hands to her face as more tears spilled out. She was probably trying to wake herself up, hoping against hope that this was a nightmare. But finally, reality seemed to set in and she collapsed into one of the chairs. Meredith took the seat right across from her.

"Is there someone we should call?"

"No," Jennifer let out a breath as she wiped her cheeks again. "No, there's no one. Our parents died two years ago. And now it's just us."

Meredith should have known that this tale would get even worse. That's how these things always went. Just when you thought it was all sad and terrible, some unseen force twisted the knife even further.

"You take care of them on your own?" Meredith regarded her with a newfound respect. This girl couldn't have been more than twenty, maybe twenty-one.

"Yeah," Jennifer's voice caught in her throat. "I mean we have an aunt in Philadelphia who sends us money, but..." she trailed off. Her eyes were still trained on that door, the one that led to her sister. "But they live with me."

"That seems like an awfully heavy burden," Meredith offered.

She was trying to empathize, trying to let Jennifer know that it was okay to be overwhelmed, to hate a situation that was this supremely unfair. But Jennifer merely shook her head.

"But it's not," she said quietly. "They're not a burden at all."

She took a deep breath then rested her elbows on her knees as she looked over at Meredith. Her eyes were still red, but finally she was calm again. It was like Meredith had touched upon the one thing that actually made sense to her.

"I mean that's what you do, isn't it?" Jennifer's lips turned up in a sad little smile. She was so young and yet somehow she had this all figured out. "You step up…" It was the most obvious thing in the world to her. "You make sure they're okay."

"Yeah…" Meredith swallowed as she thought back to the forest. "Yeah, that makes sense."

"I mean I have to feed them and drive them to school and to doctor's appointments and all that kind of stuff," Jennifer shrugged. "But mostly I just have to be there."

"You're their mom."

"No, I could never replace…" Jennifer shook her head again, unable to even think about that. "I just, I have to be their big sister. That's all I can do," she said. "I just have to be the one person that they can depend on."

Meredith's eyes fell to the ground.

_Because that's what big sisters are for, right?_

It seemed to be some sort of unspoken agreement, one that lived in families with multiple children. The older ones looked out for the younger ones, took care of them, watched over them… made sure they were safe.

The ER had turned remarkably quiet now. Jennifer was finally coming to grips with the tragic turn her day had taken. Owen was still working on Gracie. Avery was taking care of Mason. And the sirens had stopped. The paramedics had moved on. The storm had apparently passed.

But Meredith… suddenly Meredith felt like she was going to be sick.

* * *

**Thanks again for reading! This basically gets the story pretty well set up. The next chapter goes back to Alex and Meredith (and flashbacks). Hopefully, it'll be up pretty soon. Please review if you'd like. :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

"_You say she's not your sister. You say you don't want to know her. So why the hell do you care so much?" –Alex Karev_

* * *

He was running out of friends…

That was the only thing he could think of. Alex Karev was running out of friends. He hadn't had all that many to begin with. He and George had never been close, but they'd gotten along okay, especially after Izzie's diagnosis. And then he'd gone and jumped in front of a bus. And then Izzie… she'd walked away from him. And then Lexie… the girl _he'd _walked away from, the one who'd helped save his life once, she'd died… she'd stepped on a plane and never returned.

And now Meredith… he wasn't sure what was going on with her. But the fact that she wanted all of these brains scans, that scared him. They'd done all of the same tests and scans on Izzie. And that had turned out badly.

"You sure about this?"

He glanced down at Meredith. She was laying on the MRI machine bed. She didn't appear nervous, just resigned.

"Yeah, I'm sure."

She folded her hands across her stomach then trained her gaze up towards the ceiling. She looked like a body being prepared for a burial. Alex blinked, trying to get that image out of his head. But it wouldn't leave, so finally he reached out and gently pulled her arms back to her sides.

"You'll be more comfortable that way."

It was total BS, but he didn't care.

He grabbed one of the flimsy hospital blankets and pulled it up around her. The scan would take awhile and the room seemed chillier than usual. He figured she might protest, but instead she stayed silent.

"So," he tucked the end under her feet. "You gonna tell me why we're doing this?"

Meredith hesitated.

"If something's wrong," she started slowly. "If my brain's totally messed up, then we can talk." She was willing to give him that much at least. "But otherwise, it'll just sound crazy. And I've already got enough people staring at me."

"Yeah, you're back in the tragedy club."

Alex had been there after the shooting. Whenever he'd walked into a room, all eyes had been on him. It wasn't something you ever got used to.

"I'm just tired of the Pity Hey," Meredith mumbled. "Every time someone comes up to me it's Heeey."

She managed to perfectly mimic the low tone of voice, the flat affect of someone struggling to figure out what to say next.

"And then they have to tell me all about Lexie, how they knew her, what she meant to them," Meredith was clearly not thrilled with her colleagues' over-sharing. "Except these people, they probably only saw her a few minutes each day. And now they're coming up to me, the security guard, the coffee cart kid, some nurse I've never even seen before."

"Lexie was nice." Alex shrugged. "People liked her."

"Yeah, I know." Meredith obviously agreed with him there. "But I'm not the one they should be telling this to."

"Yeah, well, who else are they gonna tell?"

Meredith bit her lip, unsure of how to answer that. She was Lexie's family and everyone knew it. Word had spread quickly the day her sister had stepped into the hospital. Another Grey… not Ellis' daughter this time, but another Grey nonetheless.

"Look, you're worried people are gonna think you're crazy."

Alex could relate. He had already received some strange looks in the ER this morning. He'd been yelling at his patient and even though he knew that his comments were accurate and well deserved, he'd probably appeared a little unhinged.

"But we're all sorta crazy right now," he maintained. "It's not just you."

Meredith's eyes finally focused on his face. She must have seen something there, because her expression softened considerably.

"Arizona's gonna be fine," she said abruptly, propping herself up on her elbows. "You know that, right?"

The question took him by surprise, but he recovered almost immediately. He didn't want Meredith to see him upset, not now, not when he was about to go looking around in her brain.

"I don't even want to talk about it."

"Well you can if you want to," she offered.

"That's okay."

There really wasn't much to talk about anyway.

Arizona had taken his place on the plane. She'd been pissed off, trying to punish him. And now she was hurt. She was hurt and Lexie was dead and the pain from all of that of was spreading through the hospital like some kind of disease. Sloan had recovered, but he still hadn't returned yet. And Callie was angry. And Hunt was micromanaging everything. And Meredith... Meredith was still trying to deal with it all.

There was no telling what might have been different if Alex had just gotten on that stupid flight. Seats could have changed. Anything could have happened.

"Let's just get this over with, all right?"

He glanced down at Meredith. She lowered herself back to the bed, then folded her hands on her stomach again… just like a body being prepared for burial, just like someone he was saying goodbye to. But he didn't want to say goodbye anymore. He was tired of it, tired of losing people.

_Please just let her be okay…_

Meredith closed her eyes for a second, then gave him a nod.

"Let's get this over with."

* * *

Meredith hated the MRI machine.

As a doctor, it was an amazing tool. As a patient it could be a nightmare. The whirring of the fans, the closed in space. She wasn't particularly claustrophobic, but still, it was hard to ignore the machine buzzing around her head.

She tried to picture something else, Zola or Derek or even some new surgery she needed to practice. But then, suddenly, an image drifted into her mind. She wanted to shake her head, to drive it away again, but she knew she couldn't move.

Crap… she saw Lexie. She saw Lexie laying under the plane, closed in just like she was. She was trapped, blocked off from the rest of the world. How long had she been stuck there, waiting for them?

Meredith tried to keep breathing. But now the panic was setting in. She clenched her fists and ordered her mind to go anywhere else. She didn't care where, as long as she was out of that forest.

She quickly rewound her day, grabbing onto details like a drowning swimmer might grab onto a life ring. She pictured Alex's face a few minutes before, the bags that had begun to form under his eyes. She saw Jennifer Murray explaining what it was like to be a big sister, how much she loved her siblings, how they weren't a burden at all, but a gift.

And then, finally, she was in Dr. Wyatt's office, talking about Lexie… or thinking about Lexie anyway. Maybe she should have said more. She'd promised Derek she'd try at least, try to let this therapist help her.

But then Meredith would have to tell her, not that she saw Lexie every night, right now, that was just between her and her possibly messed up brain. But she would have to tell her everything else, how their relationship had continued from that meeting in the doorway, how Meredith had treated this stranger who'd dropped into her life.

And Meredith hated that story.

Lexie had belonged to Christina first. What a match up that had been. Christina, a brand new resident, determined not to show any feelings at all. To her, emotions signified weakness. And along had come Lexie Grey, happy, overly emotional, trying to find her place at the hospital.

It had been a mess. And Meredith had simply stood back and watched.

* * *

"I cannot believe that's your sister."

Meredith rolled her eyes as Christina entered the locker room. Her smirk was on full display, which could mean only one thing. Little Lexie Grey had gotten herself into trouble again.

It wasn't a particularly hard thing to do in your first few weeks at the hospital, hell it was all but expected. Meredith and the others had gotten themselves into plenty of scrapes along the way. But Christina seemed to take particular pleasure in her interns' screw-ups, provided that they didn't reflect poorly on her. It was just one more way to separate the lowly newbies from the residents. Plus, it gave her a chance to yell which she clearly enjoyed. And Lexie, with her people pleasing nature and general nervousness, was an easy target. She was smart yes, but at this point she didn't seem particularly strong. And Christina had a way of taking down the weaklings.

Meredith slowly kicked off her sneakers, changing into a pair of flats. She knew that any normal person would be rushing to their sibling's defense. But the truth was, Christina was far more of a sister to her than Lexie would ever be. Blood wasn't everything. Actually, in this case, blood wasn't anything. Someone else would have to claim that wide-eyed girl with a penchant for rambling.

"Today we had this surgery." Christina's face lit up with delight. She'd clearly been waiting to launch into this. "Heart and lung transplant. Totally rare, ridiculously cool, right? But since everyone's on this teaching kick, I let your sister observe."

"She's not my sister," Meredith mumbled.

"No she's not." Christina reached into her locker, yanking out her bag without even looking. "You know how I can tell? Because when the guy started coding, _you_ would have been all over it. _You_ would have seized the opportunity to prove yourself and _you_ would have kicked ass while doing it."

"Was Lexie even supposed to be helping?"

"No," Christina regarded her like that was the dumbest question she'd ever asked. "But when people start bleeding all over the floor, you use that. All those stupid rules-out the window. They want extra hands, hell they are yelling for extra hands."

Meredith felt the tiniest twinge of sympathy as she pictured Lexie, surrounded by chaos and totally overwhelmed.

"I take it she didn't jump in."

"Nope."

Alex suddenly appeared behind them. And with that, Meredith's sympathy went right out the window. He yanked off his scrub top then tossed it into the bin, smiling a little as he scored the basket.

"Your sister started crying."

"And once again," Meredith gave him the evil eye, knowing full well that he was trying to provoke her. "She's not my sister."

"Sure, she's not." Alex scoffed as he grabbed a fresh shirt from his locker. "She just has the same name and sorta looks like you, talks like you too..." he shrugged. "You know, with the rambling on and on."

Meredith's evil eye turned into a full blown glare. She hated that he'd found his way into this story. It had been a few days since she'd caught him and Lexie together, but she still wasn't ready for Alex to discuss her… in any context.

It was just too weird. It was like Lexie was slowly invading her world, creeping in everywhere, working with her friends, ending up at her house, becoming the subject of too many discussions. And all Meredith wanted to do was shove this new intern back out of her life.

"It was your fault."

Alex nudged past Christina. Apparently, he'd given up on pushing Meredith's buttons. It was probably a wise move, considering that he lived under her oh-so reasonably priced roof.

"How is it my fault?" Christina seemed amused by the very suggestion. "When was the last time you saw me cry in an OR?"

"You're a freakin' robot," Alex reminded her. "But you let sweet little Bambi-"

"Don't call her that," Meredith jumped in immediately. This was taking it one-step too far. "That's our thing."

"Bambi?" Christina was incredulous. "George hates that nickname."

Alex seemed equally confused with her sudden objection.

"I just meant she had the wide eyes and the-"

"I don't care," Meredith insisted. There was no way she was going to let Lexie in on their nicknames. That girl was sticking with the number that Christina had assigned to her. "It belongs to us."

"Whatever." Alex waved her off then shifted his attention back to Christina. "The point is you let her get all warm and fuzzy with the family. Once you bring a patient's kid ice cream it's a little harder to watch the guy die on the table."

"He died?" Meredith blurted out the question. "He actually died?"

They had buried that headline a little too easily. A transplant patient with all those hopes and dreams for a second chance at life suddenly dying… that made Meredith's nickname concerns seem incredibly petty. But Christina was too busy staring at Alex to answer.

"Oh my god." Her mouth dropped open. "Are you defending her? You're actually defending Three."

"What? No."

Alex tried his best to look disgusted, but it was incredibly obvious that he cared about Lexie. Meredith, meanwhile, was just as bad as Christina as her thoughts immediately left the dying patient and went straight back to Alex.

"Are you kidding me?"

She reached out and swatted his leg. She couldn't help but be horrified by this revelation. Considering all she knew about him, she had truly believed that his time with Lexie had meant very little. But now, Christina was right. He was defending her, and to a fellow resident on top of it all. Pretty soon, he'd be inviting her over for dinner.

"She's the runt," Alex was getting annoyed. The mood had shifted and he could tell that they were ganging up on him now. He gestured at Meredith. "You should be the one sticking up for her. You stuck up for O'Malley, what's the difference?"

"The difference?" Christina jumped in before Meredith could. "The difference is that she hates her. She hates Lexie."

"I don't hate her."

"Fine," Christina was willing to concede that point. "You hate the _idea_ of her. And you want her to leave."

"I do want her to leave."

Meredith gave a definitive nod, glad that at least one person, _her_ person, was getting it. At least someone in this hospital was on her side.

But Alex, Alex was not getting it… at all. He looked weirdly disappointed in her, like she'd failed some kind of test. He grabbed his bag from his locker, swung it over his shoulder then slammed the door closed.

"Fine," he muttered. "Yang's pushing her out anyway, so you'll probably get your wish."

"Lucky me."

"Yeah," Alex grunted. "Lucky you."

Meredith slowly stood up to follow him. She'd realized too late that he was her ride. The drive home had just gotten a little more awkward. He started out the door as she spun around to make a silent plea to Christina. Maybe her best friend could give her a lift. But Christina just stood back and waved goodbye, her smirk firmly in place.

Crap... Meredith squinted at her, a sure sign that they'd be picking this up again later. Then she turned and hurried after Alex who was stalking down the hallway, ten paces ahead.

"Alex, wait up…" She fell into step with him. He didn't even bother to look at her as they got on the elevator.

"You know she's doing this for you, right?" He punched a few buttons, but curiously the light for the lobby didn't come on. "This crap, she's doing it all for you."

"Who, Lexie?"

"No, Yang."

Meredith could feel the floor dropping out from under them as they began to descend. Alex just watched as the numbers got lower.

"She's torturing Lexie because of you, because that's what she thinks you want."

"That's crazy."

"No, it's not."

The elevator dinged and he quickly stepped out.

"And maybe that is what you want, I don't know."

Meredith wasn't quite sure where they were going at this point. They'd somehow missed the lobby entirely, but Alex was walking with such purpose that she didn't even question him.

"Christina tortures all of her interns."

"Oh trust me," Alex took a left turn, forcing Meredith to keep up with him. "She saves her best stuff for Lexie."

"Well maybe she should."

Meredith was getting irritated now. She was tired of having to defend herself and now Christina too. They didn't have to like Lexie, they just had to train her.

"I mean, have you met that girl? She doesn't exactly scream tough minded surgeon."

"I guess not."

He stopped abruptly and Meredith nearly ran into him. It took her a second to realize where they were. The morgue. He'd taken her to the morgue of all places. She could think of better routes out of the hospital, ones that didn't leave her with images of dead people just before she finally went home to relax.

"Alex…"

He just nodded towards the door, towards a little window that looked into the room. Meredith approached it slowly, wondering if something was going to jump out. She wouldn't put it past Alex to scare the crap out of her then laugh about it all the way to the car.

But as she peered inside, letting her eyes adjust to the darkened surroundings, she spotted Lexie. She was perched on a stool next to a body. She was all alone in there, though she didn't appear scared or even bored, just incredibly sad.

"That's her transplant guy," Alex explained as he looked in behind Meredith.

The man was half covered in a sheet, but his face was exposed. If it wasn't for his location and his graying skin, Meredith might have guessed that he was sleeping.

"Yang wanted to make sure he had a personal escort down to the morgue."

"So she chose Lexie…" Meredith filled in the rest.

It was classic Christina. She knew just the right tools to drive someone away. Alex was right. She was doing this for Meredith, trying as she might to get Lexie to leave this hospital and never come back.

"Christina told her to stay until she came down to get her." Alex checked his watch. "And that was about two hours ago."

Two hours alone with a dead guy…. A dead guy whose family she'd apparently bonded with. That was a pretty rough start for a fresh-faced intern. Meredith sighed, wondering, not for the first time, if she was seeing things clearly. Christina understood her apprehensions about Lexie, but everyone else seemed to think she was overreacting. It would have been easier, of course, if Lexie was arrogant or bratty, if the nurses hated her or the other doctors didn't want to work with her. But Meredith had to admit, albeit grudgingly, that Lexie was surprisingly well liked. And crying aside, she wasn't terrible at her job.

Meredith shifted her weight, then glanced over at Alex.

"She's tougher than she looks, isn't she?"

Most people would have left by now. They would have cursed Christina Yang under their breath, then given up and gone home. But Lexie just sat there. Her face was pale, her eyes red, but she didn't seem to be going anywhere.

Alex just shrugged, then turned on his heel and headed back towards the elevator.

* * *

**First off, thanks to all the lovely people who have been reviewing this story. It's been great to hear from you guys. I've been working on this since shortly after the finale, so it's nice to know that people are reading it after all this time. I'm glad to see that you're enjoying the idea behind it. It feels like Meredith and Lexie's story was sort of a missed opportunity and while I'm hopeful Meredith's grief will be addressed in the upcoming premiere, I'm not really betting on it. We'll see soon enough. In the meantime though, I'll keep writing. :) If you know anyone else who might want to read this, please send them along.**

**Anyway, hope you enjoyed Chapter Four. Yes, the flashback was short and there wasn't as much Lexie, but no worries, there's a much longer flashback coming up soon (within a chapter or two). Until then, please review if you can. Thanks all!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

"_Get your own friends, get your own life. Stop living in mine."- Meredith Grey_

* * *

"You're fine."

Alex slapped a set of scans up on the light box. It was a little eerie, Meredith thought, looking at her own brain, the piece of her that was most responsible for who she was, the way she reacted to things, the way she treated the people around her.

She started to open her mouth, to ask how all those little connections had allowed her to make so many mistakes. But at the last moment she caught herself. The whole point of this was to prove that she wasn't losing her mind. And talking to a scan of her own brain wasn't going to help matters.

"So, there's nothing weird at all?

"Blood tests looked normal," Alex checked out the small stack of paperwork he'd compiled. "And you can see from the scans, no tumors, no bleeds, no abnormalities..." he continued on, waiting for her to jump in somewhere. "Just a perfectly normal brain."

Meredith peered a little closer at the images in front of her. She wasn't quite sure what she was searching for. A physical explanation for what she'd been seeing... for Lexie's sudden reappearance in her life, that would certainly be the worst-case scenario. Hell, she could ask Izzie Stephens all about that one. But at least if there was some medical reason then she'd know how to deal with it. But now… now she had nothing to go on.

"Don't look so happy," Alex ribbed her a little as he moved over to the couch. They were hiding out in the doctor's lounge, trying to get away from all those prying eyes.

"I mean with _your_ brain, normal's sort of relative anyway."

"Ha-ha." Meredith glanced back over her shoulder. "You're a funny guy, Dr. Karev."

"Yeah, whatever."

He kicked his feet up on a nearby table. He seemed more relaxed now, knowing that she wasn't sick or dying.

"So, I guess you weren't gonna explain any of this unless your brain was swiss cheese, but I figured I'd ask anyway."

He was clearly curious about what they were doing here.

"I mean those tests... those were some pretty heavy tests, Mer."

"Yeah, I know."

Meredith dropped her head, giving herself an extra second to think. They'd just spent thousands and thousands of dollars looking at her brain from every angle. She'd asked him to trust her and now... now she owed him some sort of explanation for all of this. But where the hell would she start?

Finally she pulled down the scans, carefully slipping them back into her file.

"I've got poor, sad orphans."

It was the first thing her mind seized upon, that image of Jennifer sitting down in the waiting room. "Poor sad orphans who were just trying to watch out for each other."

"You mean those kids that came in today?" Alex had to know she was stalling, but he played along anyway. "I heard that was pretty messed up."

"There were three of them, just walking across the street and then out of nowhere this car comes and hits them." Meredith leaned back against the desk. "Just blows up their lives. And now the younger sister's in surgery and the older one is just... she's lost. She doesn't have a scrape on her, but I think she'd change places in a heartbeat."

"Yeah, I get that." Alex nodded, probably considering his own childhood. He hadn't been the perfect big brother, but he'd certainly done his best.

"Being the oldest can totally suck sometimes," he shrugged. "You don't want people depending on you, but other times it's okay, you know? Because you feel like you're tough enough to take the bullet, like you can handle all that crap for them."

Meredith remembered that part. She remembered it well. So many people had looked to her for that reaction when Lexie had first walked into her life. As bright and shiny as the girl had been, most had figured that Meredith would step up and watch out for her, especially with her drunken father, her dead mother, all the pressures of life at the hospital… It was just assumed that Meredith would lend a hand somehow. And maybe that had been the hardest part to adjust to.

"Still, if something goes wrong," Alex let out a breath, drawing her attention back. "If something goes wrong, it feels like it's on you."

He glanced up at Meredith, choosing his words carefully.

"It feels like it's on you, even when it's not."

She knew what he was trying to say, but she couldn't even think about all that right now. She rubbed her tired eyes and forced herself to focus on the Murrays again. That family, there was still hope… though she knew how fleeting that could be.

Poor Jennifer... She just wished that Christina or Owen had given her something to go on. But they were still working, trying to stabilize Grace. That was their job, to save the person who was injured, but she wasn't the only one hurting right now.

"That girl, the older one, she's just down there," Meredith sighed, feeling sick all over again. "Refusing to sleep, refusing to let me call anyone and her sister, I don't even know if she'll live."

Meredith stared at the file full of scans, realizing what a waste they were. Her brain wasn't the problem. Everything else was. All of this awfulness piling up around her...

"She probably won't live."

"She might." Alex slowly sat up. "That's Yang's patient, right? No way she takes a bad outcome if she doesn't have to."

"Maybe not," Meredith considered all those other bad outcomes they'd had, the ones they'd tried so hard to avoid. "But sometimes you don't have a choice."

"Yeah," Alex looked down. "I guess not."

They sat in silence for a long time, trying to decide how far they should take this, how much either of them really wanted to talk. They both needed to, of course. There was so much going on right now. But Alex sucked at letting others in and Meredith was forced to admit that she had the same problem. She didn't share easily, not her feelings, not her life... not anything really. And that had gotten her into trouble. It had cost her with Derek and her friends and co-workers... and it had certainly cost her with Lexie.

"I hate this case," she murmured. "I just... I hate this case. At some point, things should be fair. I know it can't happen all the time. But some of the time... some of the time, life should be fair."

"It's never fair," Alex rested his elbows on his knees. "You think it would be, but it's not."

Meredith pushed herself up onto the desk, letting her legs dangle over the side. She could see Alex chewing on the inside of his cheek. His eyes were focused on some random spot off in front of him as his foot tapped lightly on the floor.

"I got this idiot who woke up this morning," he started slowly, his voice so quiet she had to strain to hear him. "And he decided that his goal today was to skateboard behind a bus."

"A bus?"

"Yeah." Alex's face contorted into a bitter smile as if he couldn't quite believe he was saying this. "This genius, he attaches a rope to the bumper and not one person bothers to stop him. So the bus takes off and he holds on for maybe a block before he lands in somebody's windshield."

"It'll make you cry for the future of humanity..." Meredith remembered his words from earlier in the day.

"Yeah, exactly." Alex looked over at her, his expression a mixture of sadness and rage. "I mean you really gotta wonder, right? Because sure enough this guy comes in, clothes all ripped up, blood everywhere, but nothing's broken. Not one thing. And when I ask him why he did this… this incredibly stupid thing, you know what he says?"

Meredith just shook her head.

"He says…" Alex stopped abruptly, his eyes shiny with tears. Just getting the words out seemed to cause him great pain. "He says 'I thought I'd cheat death today.'"

Meredith was suddenly glad she hadn't gotten that patient. She wasn't sure what she would've done if she had. Cry maybe? Or possibly toss him into a wall. The fact that Alex had only yelled at him actually seemed like a miracle now.

"You guys, you got on a plane," Alex's voice caught in his throat. "You got on a plane to go help some kids. One in a million chance that anything would happen. And you crash and…" he trailed off, helpless to continue.

He couldn't even say it. None of them could. None of them even wanted to try. They'd all been damaged, yet again, even the people who had stayed behind at the hospital. To the rest of the world, they were the "lucky ones" the ones who had lived. And now they all had to deal with the fallout.

Welcome to the tragedy club...

"This kid…" Alex sighed, struggling to continue. "This dumbass kid, he'll walk out of here tonight and he'll never look back."

Meredith understood his frustration better than anyone.

"They never do."

Her attention floated back to the lightbox. She could recall, almost perfectly, standing here with Lexie, going over scans, helping to tutor her when she'd first started working with Derek. Her sister had been so nervous back then, wondering if she'd finally stumbled into her specialty, wondering if she'd finally found her place at the hospital, separate from Meredith and Mark and Alex and Avery.

Meredith stood up and switched off the light box.

"They never get how lucky they are."

_I thought I'd cheat death today…_

Meredith had cheated it over and over and over again. How was it that so many people she loved hadn't been able to? All that karma stuff she'd heard... they had so many wonderful patients, kind people who ended up in their hospital through no fault of their own. And their families always held onto the same idea, this idea that somehow a person's inherent goodness would protect them.

As it turned out, of course, that was utter crap. Good people died and bad people drove over families in crosswalks and never got caught.

"It sucks." Alex said, as if reading her mind. "It all sucks."

"Yeah it does."

"But your brain's okay and that's something." He hesitated, trying to regain control of his emotions. "Actually, that's a lot, I guess."

Oh Alex...

She had always had a soft spot for him. And she knew that he cared about her… and had cared about Lexie too, much more than he would ever let on. He quickly wiped at his eyes and now she could see that mask going on again. It was the one they all wore, the one that got them through their very worst days.

"I wish I could explain," Meredith slid off the desk, hugging her file to her chest." The tests, I mean. I know if Hunt finds out-"

"Hunt's not gonna find out." Alex sniffled a little as he got to his feet. "Not from me anyway."

"I know it was stupid," Meredith continued on, wanting him to understand. "I knew it was stupid when I asked you to do them, so I'm sorry. This is me apologizing-not explaining, because I can't, not now. But I'm sorry I dragged you into it."

"Don't be sorry," he waved off her concerns. "It's not a big deal."

"Alex, it's your job," Meredith reminded him. "We just did thousands of dollars worth of tests and if Hunt finds out, he's gonna be pissed. And that should be on me, not you."

"It doesn't even matter."

"But it does matter," she insisted.

"No, Mer, it doesn't." He took her by the shoulders, his gaze kind but intense.

"Listen to me carefully. Right now you get to be upset about sad orphans and you get to hate stupid punk kids who throw themselves into windshields. You get to rack up huge bills and yell at people and cry in every corner of this hospital if you need to."

He leaned down a little until their eyes met.

"And even after all of that, you can still have as many damned tests as you want. I will perform every single one of them and I won't give a rat's ass how much it costs or how much the Chief screams about it."

He was totally sincere.

"Whatever you're going through, just go through it." He squeezed her arms gently. "Don't apologize to anyone. Life just dumped all over you so, the truth is, you don't owe me an explanation. You don't owe _anyone_ an explanation."

They stood there in silence, staring at each other. And slowly but surely, Meredith could feel it, that warm and fuzzy sensation, the one that made her want to hug him. She wouldn't of course. That wasn't their thing, had never been their thing and certainly would never be their thing. But they were both wounded souls, kindred spirits in some warped way. It wasn't like her and Christina, but sometimes Alex understood her in ways that the others did not. Dark and twisty didn't phase him. He'd known plenty of dark and twisty in his life.

After a couple more seconds, Alex finally released her. She thought he might be embarrassed, that he might try to play the whole thing off as some casual interaction that hadn't meant anything. But Alex had obviously matured, because now he simply glanced down at his pager.

"I'd better go."

There was still a big, noisy world continuing on out there and, like it or not, he had to return to it.

"Maybe that dumb ass kid broke his stitches."

He seemed pleased with that idea and Meredith was too, if she was being honest with herself. It was slightly evil of them, wishing pain on a patient, but Alex was right. There were certain things, stupid things like that, that she would never apologize for. Because she didn't regret them, not one bit. Regret was saved for special moments in life, moments that you would give anything to redo.

"You remember that day," Meredith spoke up again, forcing Alex to pause in the doorway. "That day when Christina sent Lexie down to the morgue? When she got all weepy during surgery, you remember that, right?"

Alex blinked, looking slightly bewildered. He leaned against the edge of the door as it finally came back to him.

"Yeah, I remember."

Meredith nodded. She had figured he would.

"Thanks for sticking up for her," she said quietly. "Lexie, I mean. I know I was kind of a jerk to you then, but I'm glad you stuck up for her... when I didn't."

"Yeah, well I think you won out in the long run." The regret crept into Alex's voice. "You left her in the morgue for a couple of hours. I left her in the crazy ward for a couple of days."

She had almost forgotten about that, but clearly he hadn't.

"She still cared about you," Meredith reassured him. "She still cared about you a lot."

"Maybe…"

Alex seemed to drift off for second, lost in his own world, probably replaying those few months when he and Lexie had been together. They'd been wrong for each other from the very beginning, but they'd propped each other up through difficult times.

"I'm sorry she's gone." His eyes refocused on Meredith. "I really am. And I know you probably feel like crap, because she left you here with all this horrible stuff. But she did love you, Mer."

She felt her chest tighten.

"It never mattered what you did or didn't do," Alex continued. "She loved you anyway."

He waited for her to say something, but she didn't. She couldn't. And so finally he slipped away, back out the door and into the world.

* * *

**Hope you guys liked this chapter. I've always enjoyed Alex and Meredith's friendship. They're both somewhat damaged and they both seem to have trouble discussing their feelings. I thought it'd be interesting to see how they discuss this tragedy since it affected them in different ways.**

**I'll try and update again soon (next up, flashbacks!). Thanks so much for all the reviews! They definitely help keep me motivated, especially when I get stuck and frustrated. :) If you'd like to leave a review now, please do. I'd certainly appreciate it!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

"_She hates me. My sister… hates me." –Lexie Grey_

* * *

"So, are you ready to talk?"

Dr. Wyatt was watching her. Meredith shifted her weight on the couch, trying to get comfortable. Someone had changed the seating arrangement and now her beloved aquarium was just out of view. Her easy distraction, her escape, had been taken away. Maybe that was the point. Dr. Wyatt could be tricky like that.

"Fine."

She rolled her shoulders then folded her hands carefully in her lap. She didn't have a brain tumor, which meant that her issues couldn't be treated with medications and surgery. So if she wanted to find her way back to her life, if she wanted to stop snapping at Derek, if she wanted to get through the day without seeing that plane again, then this was where she'd have to begin.

"What should we talk about?"

"You want to start with the crash?" Dr. Wyatt opened her notebook, but Meredith's response came quickly.

"No."

"No?" The therapist looked up. She seemed to enjoy challenging her patients, pushing them outside of their comfort zone. "I thought that's what you came here for."

"I can't start there," Meredith said, her tone bordering on defensive. She was trying so hard to be diplomatic here. She did want this to work, whatever _this _was. It sucked and she hated it, but it had helped her before.

"I just-that's where I end, not where I start," she attempted to explain it the best that she could. "Does that make sense?"

"That's where _you_ end?"

"That's not what I meant," Meredith realized she needed to choose her words carefully. Dr. Wyatt seemed to pick up on everything. "I got to walk away, so no, _I _didn't end out there."

"But other things did?"

There it was again, another perfectly pointed question, designed to pierce the armor that Meredith had been building for most of her life.

"Yeah," she finally nodded. "A lot of things ended there."

"Can you give me an example?"

"I really don't want to talk about the crash," Meredith repeated.

"Fine," Dr. Wyatt was willing to let her slide on that, for awhile at least. "But let's talk about what happened after, what's happened since. Can we agree to do that?"

Meredith knew she would have to compromise here. She had to give this woman something to go on.

"That pilot, he'll never walk again," she started slowly.

She felt horrible that she couldn't remember his name. They'd spent a night out there in the forest together, struggling to stay alive. But at the time he'd been the very least of her concerns. He still was, actually. She wasn't even sure if he'd come back from Idaho.

"And Dr. Robbins, she's got extensive rehab ahead of her."

Meredith racked her brain for something positive to discuss. There had to be something less depressing to say.

"Oh, Christina, she's doing really well," she seized upon that. "No one was sure, after what happened with the shooting..."

Meredith trailed off, realizing that she'd just stumbled into another huge tragedy. She shut her mouth, afraid of what else she might say.

"What about your husband?" Dr. Wyatt pressed forward. "How is he doing?"

Meredith looked down at her hands. Dr. Wyatt didn't need to know that they were fighting again, or how often Derek woke up alone now, only to find his wife sleeping downstairs or up in the attic. They were talking about the aftermath of the crash, physical injuries, the easiest stuff to deal with.

"He's okay," she kept her voice even, not wanting to betray anything more. "They think he'll be able to operate again. Callie's very hopeful."

"Good, that's good."

"It is good."

Meredith knew what was coming next. She took a breath, trying to prepare herself.

"And Lexie?"

Meredith instantly flinched. She couldn't help it.

"We started to talk about her yesterday," Dr. Wyatt said gently. "You said…"

"I said I never wanted her." Meredith finished the sentence. She couldn't bear to hear anyone else say it. It was simply too awful. "I didn't, not then, but now…"

She waited for Dr. Wyatt to jump in and rescue her, but instead she stayed silent, allowing Meredith to wallow in that loss for a moment. Now of course, she did want Lexie, she wanted her back desperately, but it was too late.

"I was never very nice to her."

"I doubt that's true," Dr. Wyatt rested her chin on her hand. "I bet you were a better sister than you realized."

It was something any therapist would say. It was sympathetic, comforting. But Dr. Wyatt didn't know. She hadn't witnessed everything that had happened, how selfish Meredith had been when she'd first met Lexie. Meredith couldn't rewrite history and she didn't want her doctor rewriting it for her.

"There were five things…"

She could picture Lexie walking up to her so many years ago. Meredith had been writing notes in a chart when she'd spotted her sister.

"When we first met," she continued. "There were five things Lexie told me about herself."

She had Dr. Wyatt's full attention now. Her pen was resting in her hand, far away from that hideous notebook.

"First off, she hated apples. She hated them so much that she'd spit them right out. And she could draw on an Etch-A-Sketch and I mean, really, really draw. I thought she was kidding at first…"

Meredith couldn't help but smile just a little.

"But she was actually really amazing at it."

"An Etch-A-Sketch?" Dr. Wyatt seemed skeptical.

"Yes," Meredith narrowed her eyes. "An Etch-A-Sketch."

Lexie had lounged around on the couch for hours, totally occupied with that silly red toy. And the pictures, they had been insanely good. The fact that Dr. Wyatt didn't seem to get that made her more than a little annoyed.

"I'm sorry," the therapist closed her notebook, a conciliatory gesture if ever there was one. "Please go on."

Meredith pressed her lips together, unsure if she wanted to continue. But it was important somehow, that Dr. Wyatt understood Lexie, understood the kind of person she'd been and the kind of person Meredith had been in return.

"Fine," she sighed, trying to remember where she'd left off. She closed her eyes and she was back in the hospital, five long years ago, with Lexie standing next to her.

_I hate apples, hate them. I think they shouldn't be allowed to be a fruit. That's one. And two, I can draw really, really well on an Etch-A-Sketch, like really well, like I could be a professional if, you know, that profession existed..._

"Well she played the trombone," Meredith opened her eyes as Lexie's voice echoed in her head. "Badly. And she loved math. I once watched her sit in peds for three days with this kid, helping him with his homework. And she did this thing with her hands." Meredith gestured at the doctor. "I do it too, but I'd totally forgotten until she reminded me."

"Five things…"

"Yes, five things."

Meredith knew the speech perfectly. She could go back and hear it over and over again, not because those five things were so incredibly memorable, but because of what had followed, what Lexie had said to her afterward.

"Those were the five things…" Meredith's face grew warm. Suddenly, all of her armor dissolved, replaced instead by a crushing sense of sadness. She quickly tucked her hair behind her ears, hoping that this small, random gesture might keep her from crying.

"Those were the five things my little sister told me when we first met." She couldn't even look at the doctor now. "Lexie told me those things so that I wouldn't hate her. Because that's what she thought, that I hated her."

A few stray tears slid down her cheeks. Meredith took a deep, shuddering breath as the rest of the scene played out. Lexie walking away and Meredith just standing there, not even attempting to stop her.

She should have stopped her. She should have told her that she liked math too, that she'd once played the violin and thought apples weren't that bad, but that she much preferred oranges.

"You really think that?" Dr. Wyatt offered her a box of tissues. "That Lexie believed that you hated her."

"I don't think it, I know it," Meredith took the box and carefully perched it on the couch cushion next to her. "I know 'cause she told me."

"Alright then," her therapist tried another tact. "But how long did that really last? At some point, things obviously changed."

"I don't know," Meredith folded her legs underneath her. "All I know is that it took way too long. First Alex looked out for her, then Derek. He wanted to be nice because she was my sister. Hell, even Christina brought her home once."

Meredith realized she was gesturing again, just like Lexie had, a Grey family trait that belonged only to her now.

"I saw my sister every day for months and basically all I did was avoid her. It doesn't matter that it was five years ago. That's how we started."

"And the plane crash..." Dr. Wyatt met her gaze. "That's how you ended."

"I told you, I'm not going to talk about that."

"Fine." Dr. Wyatt set her notebook aside then leaned forward in her chair. "We won't get into that today. But I can see that whatever happened between you and Lexie, it's preventing you from dealing with this trauma you suffered."

"It wasn't a trauma."

"But it was, Meredith. It was a trauma, just the like the shooting, just like your mother's death."

"But it wasn't a trauma _for me_," she protested. She thought of her husband's shattered hand, Arizona's leg, the poor pilot whose name she couldn't even remember. "I was fine. I got out with cuts and bruises."

"Do you sleep?"

That question stopped her dead in her tracks. She looked down, wishing that the aquarium was still within view.

"That's what I thought." Dr. Wyatt knew her only too well. "Now you have to deal with this. You and Lexie, you had a complicated relationship and you're losing the good with the bad here. You're focused on her dying. You're focused on everything that went wrong. But some things went right."

That was true, of course. Lexie had lived with her, had giggled over late night desserts with her... And then Lexie had gone and died on her too.

"Meredith," Dr. Wyatt could see her slipping away again. "I want you to think back. I want you to look back and pinpoint when you first started to worry about Lexie, when you first started treating her like she was your sister."

"Why?"

"Because I doubt it took you as long as you imagined."

Meredith wasn't sure what to believe anymore. But she tried to think back. She tried to recall when the picture had started to clear, when Lexie had stopped being an intruder and become... not quite her sister, but something good, someone Meredith could maybe, just maybe, include in her life.

"I made her breakfast once."

Lexie had sat down at the counter, smiling eagerly as Meredith pushed a plate in front of her. An omelet... that figured, of course. Only later would she discover Lexie was allergic to eggs.

"So that's where you started?"

Dr. Wyatt picked up her notebook again.

Meredith pushed her brain to think back even further, beginning with that day when they'd met, past the time when she'd told Lexie that she didn't want to know her, having to explain to her how her mother died, listening as Lexie listed those five things, that day she'd realized their father was a drunk...

"No…" Meredith finally found it. "No, before that, there was something else."

* * *

Meredith had fallen for it yet again. She couldn't believe it. How in the hell had she agreed to the pit, the pit of all things? She hated the pit, hated all the stitches, the parents frantic about their kid's runny nose. Sure, occasionally an impressive surgery popped up but that small possibility hadn't been worth giving up a kidney transplant to Izzie Stephens.

_Oh, I'm so sad about George... _Izzie had figured out the right button to push. _I just wish I had a surgery to distract me. But I'm stuck in the pit today. _Meredith's soft squishy side, rarely shown off, known only to her closest friends, had betrayed her again. And now she was paying dearly for it.

"Dr. Grey!"

A hapless intern was waving her over. It was Two... Meredith had to think for a minute... Steve, maybe? She'd gotten so used to Christina's numbers. Now she could barely remember their names.

"Dr. Grey, I'm having trouble finding a vein," Steve lowered his voice, suitably embarrassed.

Even if Meredith hadn't known it already, it would've been totally obvious that he belonged to Christina. He had the same beaten down look as the rest of her interns.

"Let's go." Meredith ushered him on as they headed back behind one of the curtains.

"This is Mrs. Jenkins." He ran through a quick introduction as Meredith reached to shake the patient's hand.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Grey."

The woman smiled. She was older, having left middle age a decade before. But she looked friendly enough, friendly and incredibly relieved.

"They said that I needed some blood drawn." She leaned forward and whispered as if somehow Steve wouldn't be able to hear her. "But I don't think this kid could find blood if he stabbed me in the heart."

Meredith pressed her lips together to hold back her grin. Mrs. Jenkins had just become her new favorite patient.

"Well I'm going to go ahead and take care of that for you, ma'am."

"And maybe give him a few pointers?"

"We'll try that too." Meredith finally allowed a smile as she snapped on her gloves. She gestured to Steve to take a step forward. His approach was tentative, another signature of Dr. Yang's motley crew.

"What's the matter, kid?" Mrs. Jenkins raised her pencil-drawn eyebrows. "You're not scared of a little blood, are you?"

Hopefully not, because the stuff was rushing to his face at lightning speed. Poor Steve, he really had to be the unluckiest intern of all. Christina as a resident, being mocked by his elderly patients…

"I'm not sure what happened before," Steve was still attempting to explain himself. "I tried a few times-"

"Yes, a _few times_," Mrs. Jenkins said pointedly. "A few times too many."

Meredith ignored her and instead dragged Steve just a little bit closer.

"Look." She got ready to insert the needle. "Once you locate the vein, all you have to do is-"

Bang! A muffled crash echoed through the ER.

"Oh my word!"

Mrs. Jenkins jumped, her arm coming straight up with the rest of her body. Meredith cursed under her breath as the needle sank deep into her flesh, the angle all-wrong. Her patient instantly let out a yelp.

"I'm sorry." Meredith gently eased the needle back out. Dammit, at the very least her day could've been easy. Hadn't she earned that after making this trade?

Bang!

"What in heaven's name was that?"

Mrs. Jenkins looked ready to bolt. Meredith just shook her head, wondering why the world was messing with her.

"I'll go." Steve raised his hand in a hurry. "I'll go and find out what it is."

He clearly wanted to be anywhere else. But Meredith was already pissed and now Steve was becoming collateral damage.

"No, you stay here." She yanked off her gloves then gave a quick reassuring smile to the poor, startled woman. "Ma'am, I'll be right back."

Mrs. Jenkins managed to nod, still clutching her arm as if she might bleed to death. _Just another satisfied patient at Seattle Grace Hospital… _

Meredith took a deep breath and stalked back through the curtain. She could hear people yelling somewhere nearby. Aw the joys of the pit. Freakin' Izzie Stephens with her big, sad, surgery stealing eyes. She would pay for this.

And where the hell was that shouting coming from anyway?

Meredith searched in vain for running doctors or clattering gurneys. But there was nothing, no sirens, no doors flying open, just voices… loud, loud voices. She whirled around and finally her focus zeroed in on a trauma room.

The blinds were closed which was normally a sign to stay out unless called upon. But the voices were getting distracting and the patients were starting to mutter under their breath.

_What the hell kind of hospital is this? _

Meredith caught a few smirks, some eyerolls being exchanged by people with large bruises and bloody lips. Half of them had caused their own injuries. They didn't exactly have room to judge.

Bang! Something hit the other side of the door.

Meredith decided to knock.

No answer.

For just a split second, she considered walking away. There had to be an attending here somewhere, one who was ready and willing to deal with this… whatever _this_ was. But as her eyes darted around, she realized that it was just her… just her and a couple of confused looking interns. She sighed and turned back to the door. She twisted the knob, opened it slowly… and instantly regretted it.

"Lexie."

Crap… her sister was standing there with Dani, yet another one of Christina's interns, both of them wide-eyed and out of their league.

"God dammit, where is she?"

Their patient was screaming. Meredith ducked inside and hastily shut the door behind her. The guy was built like a wrestler, with biceps wider than Meredith's legs. His eyes were rolling around in his head. He was clearly drunk.

"That bitch did this to me!"

He waved one of his huge arms, showing off a red gash that was trickling blood.

"Mr. Arnold, please-" Lexie was stuttering. "Please, I just need you to sit down so we can take care of that for you."

Meredith could see the suture kit all neatly laid out on a tray next to Lexie. Amazingly enough, it was one of the few things in the room that remained undisturbed. Everything else was in disarray. One of the carts had been kicked over and a monitor lay upside down on the floor.

_Son of a bitch... _Meredith watched as a hazardous waste bin went flying. This guy was single handedly destroying the room.

"Mr. Arnold!"

The man spun around as Meredith made her approach.

"Mr. Arnold, my name is Dr. Grey and I need you to take a seat for me, sir."

"I need-I need to find my wife."

His speech was slurred. He was trying to focus on her face, she could tell, and the struggle seemed to calm him a bit. Meredith knew she had to be the voice of authority. Someone had to take control of this situation. And it wasn't going to be the two interns hovering nearby.

"We'll find her, after you take a seat."

It took a moment for his brain to process her words, but finally he collapsed into a nearby chair. He was still breathing heavily, but most of the fight seemed to be out of him. Meredith immediately shifted her attention back to the interns, particularly Lexie.

"Dr. Grey," Meredith glared at her. "Could I have a word with you outside?"

Lexie looked to the other girl for support, but Dani just stepped back as if she was contagious. Lexie had to know it was bad when her friend would rather stay there with the angry drunk than walk outside with the angry resident.

"Now, Dr. Grey."

Meredith held the door open. Lexie dropped her head and followed her out. Together they made their way back across the pit, Lexie lagging behind a little.

"I'm sorry-" she started, but Meredith shushed her.

She was well aware of the curious eyes all around them. And she wasn't about to make a scene in the middle of the emergency room. She grabbed the handle for the next trauma room over then flung the door open. Lexie slowly walked inside, looking more and more like a prisoner headed to the gallows.

Meredith cursed Izzie Stephens one final time as she closed all the blinds. She could have been in surgery. She could have been giving someone a shiny new kidney. But instead she was here, here with the one person she'd been trying all week to avoid.

"Meredith, I'm sorry."

Lexie was looking increasingly worried as Meredith continued her ritual around the room, essentially blocking them off from the rest of the world.

"Dr. Yang got paged and she asked us to stitch him up."

Meredith knew full well that Christina had probably left them on purpose. Dammit, this was her fault too and that only made her angrier, angrier at Lexie, angrier at this whole stupid situation.

"His wife's upstairs. I guess the two of them got in a fight and it was a whole big thing. So the cops, they went with her." Lexie was full on rambling now, her hands gesturing wildly in front of her. "Because he was fine at first, fine. And then he just started yelling. And throwing things. And I tried to stop him, I did, but-"

"But what?"

Meredith had moved beyond anger straight into fury. Their trauma room had been trashed, absolutely trashed while two interns stood by.

"If you have a problem you call security!" Meredith kept her voice down, but her tone was absolutely murderous. "You call security so that thousands of dollars worth of equipment doesn't land on the floor, so that your patient, _yours_ Dr. Grey, doesn't disrupt an entire department!"

"I-I know." Lexie swallowed. To her credit, she hadn't started crying… yet. "I know, it just, it happened, it happened so fast."

"What the hell were you doing in the trauma room anyway?" Meredith demanded. "That room is reserved for actual traumas."

"Dr. Yang said-she said-"

"She said what?"

Lexie froze. She had to know that tattling to her sister about her sister's best friend probably wasn't the best idea ever. She was already in deep here and sinking fast. Meredith put her hands on her hips as Lexie glanced around quickly, searching for someone, anyone to act as a life preserver. But she was alone.

"I'm sorry," she said again. "It's just been a really bad day and I wasn't thinking. I was late for work-"

"Late for work?" Meredith's eyes widened. Just how many strikes was Lexie planning to get? "You're an intern. Your version of late should be two hours early."

"I know, but my dad-" she stopped herself. "Our dad…"

Meredith's glare got all the more intense.

"My dad," Lexie tried again, stomping her foot in frustration. Her nerves were obviously frayed and Meredith could tell that she was exhausted. Christina had spent weeks trying to humiliate her and Meredith... the truth was Meredith hadn't been any better. And finally, Lexie Grey had reached her breaking point.

"He was drunk, okay?" she rushed ahead as the words began tumbling out. "He's a drunk, which you now know. So I spent last night hiding his keys, then making sure he didn't choke on his own vomit. As a reward for being such a great daughter, he promptly threw up all over me at 5AM just as I was walking out the door."

Meredith tried not to recoil in horror. That was kind of gross, even for her.

"Have you ever had vomit in your hair?" Lexie grabbed a shiny lock that had fallen out of her hair clip. "You probably have right, because you're a doctor? So you know, you know how hard it is to get that smell out. And I had to get that smell out, because otherwise Dr. Yang would've tortured me more."

"So yes, I was late. I was late coming in here to deal with yet another drunk, except this one-" she pointed back towards the door. "This one likes to throw things at me. And yes, a lot of equipment got destroyed and yes I will apologize to the Chief personally if I have to." Lexie's voice broke as she fought to continue. "And yes, I'll offer to pay for the mess, but honestly my salary wouldn't cover half of that monitor. And my dad is just gonna drink through it anyway. So the truth is it wouldn't even cover the chair!"

"So I'm sorry, Dr. Grey, I'm sorry I was late." Lexie's eyes welled up in utter defeat. "And I'm sorry if my hair smells like vomit and I'm sorry that I didn't call security. I'm just…" The tears began to slide down her cheeks. She wiped them away with both hands then turned her gaze straight to the floor.

"I'm just…" her voice had dropped near a whisper. "I'm just sorry."

The room fell silent and neither of them moved for a long, long moment. Finally, Lexie sighed and crossed her arms in front of her, trying desperately to regain her composure.

Meredith knew, she knew exactly what she should do. She knew she should take a deep breath, swallow her anger and resentment, and give this struggling intern a break… give her sister a break. She should tell her it was okay, that it would all be okay, that life was hard but that it would get better. But instead, a totally different set of words came out of her mouth.

"Are you done?"

Lexie was tough, that's what she told herself. Lexie was tough and so she could handle this. She could handle Meredith's icy tone. She could handle what was in fact an outright rejection, a refusal of help and care and understanding. This was good for her. She needed to learn to swim on her own.

"I'm done," Lexie said quietly.

"Good." Meredith watched her. "Then I want you to go back into that room. I want you to keep your patient calm. You should know how to do that, since you've had so much practice at home."

It was a horrible thing to say, but she was still smarting from an earlier conversation they'd had about Thatcher. Lexie had easily, and probably unknowingly, shattered Meredith's childish fantasy that her father, their father, might actually be proud of her...

_A lifetime's worth of proud._

"I want you to stitch up that arm," Meredith continued, trying to forget how much that had stung. "And those had better be damn good stitches, because they probably just cost this hospital tens of thousands of dollars."

"Alright," Lexie swallowed. "I can do that."

"Okay then," Meredith softened, just the tiniest bit. "And if you have a problem, which hopefully you will not, then you call security."

"I call security," Lexie repeated.

"Exactly," Meredith opened the door again. "Now, would you like me to hold your hand?"

Lexie shook her head.

She still hadn't looked up. She slowly shuffled out the door, Meredith following along behind her this time. They tried to stay off to one side, but still they were being watched, the two Grey siblings...

Meredith gritted her teeth in frustration. Every single staff member would be talking about this now. She was sick of having to share her name, first with her mother, now with this intern. All it did was churn up gossip and give everyone something to discuss over lunch.

"Alright, Dr. Grey." Meredith gestured towards the door as they finally returned to the first trauma room. "Go in and take care of your patient."

"Okay," Lexie nodded. Meredith could see her steeling herself, preparing for more abuse. "Okay, I can do this."

At least the tears were gone. Now she was struggling to put on her game face, the one that was kind, but tough enough to withstand a drunken idiot's wrath. This was her life at Seattle Grace… yelled at by residents and patients and stray family members. It was all the horrors of the first intern year, combined with the drama that came with her name.

Crap... Meredith's conscience was tugging at her. This was cruel. If Lexie had been any other intern, she would still be in trouble. But she wouldn't be abandoned. Only minutes before, Meredith had stepped in to help Steve. What kind of doctor was she if she walked away now?

"Come on."

She reached over and pushed the door open, gently shoving Lexie inside. The girl looked surprised as Meredith followed her in. But thankfully, she didn't stutter or gush. She stayed silent for once, letting her grateful expression do all the talking.

"Mr. Arnold," Meredith took the lead. Their patient was still slumped in the chair, his back towards them now.

"Where's Dr..." she trailed off, unable to recall the other girl's name. Damn those freaking numbers. They'd seemed so funny when she'd initially heard them.

"Dr. Marks," Lexie filled in for her.

"She's gone... left," the patient's words were all garbled. "Had to find my wife."

So Christina's other intern had made a quick run for it. Meanwhile, Steve was scared of a little old lady. Lexie had just taken a fairly brutal tongue-lashing, but at least she was here. So much for being the runt of the litter.

"When the hell's my wife coming back?"

The man was getting agitated all over again. Meredith wished, not for the first time, that she'd had that extra cup of coffee this morning. Their patient was a gigantic pain in the ass.

"She's s'posed to be back."

"Well I believe the police are speaking with her," Meredith said carefully, not wanting to set him off again.

"God damn cops," he muttered. "What, they gonna arrest her? Itsa fight. We fight."

"I'm sure it'll be okay." Lexie took a cue from Meredith and tried to speak softly. "But in the meantime, I do need to look at that arm."

"It's fine."

"Mr. Arnold-"

"It's fine!"

He slammed his fist down on the tray. Instruments went flying as Lexie jumped back. And that was when Meredith caught sight of his arm. She gasped.

"Mr. Arnold, what did you do?"

His arm looked like something from a Frankenstein movie. Huge stitches crisscrossed his skin and the needle was still poking out from one side. Meredith couldn't believe it. This drunken moron had tried to play doctor.

"I gotta find-gotta find my wife!" he shouted. In one swift motion, he leapt from his chair, knocking it over. "She needs to see what she did! That bitch!"

He picked the chair up and smashed it into one of the cabinets. Glass went flying as Meredith ducked. That was her cue.

"Lexie!" she yelled across the room. "Call security!"

Lexie's mouth dropped open as she spun for the phone. Mr. Arnold was snarling now, still swinging that chair as if it weighed nothing. Meredith dodged it as it hit the wall just beside her. She knew she should be scared and rushing for the door. But more than anything, she was pissed. Soon there'd be paperwork and angry looks from Christina. And the Chief, the Chief was going to be absolutely livid.

"Yes, trauma room one," Lexie ducked as a chair leg flew past her face. "Please come right now!"

"Is that my wife?"

The man dove for the phone as she dropped it.

"Sheila!" he yelled into the receiver. "God damn you!"

Lexie winced, trapped between an overturned cabinet and the wall of windows behind her. Thankfully the glass was reinforced, otherwise it would have been broken by now.

"Mr. Arnold!" Meredith yelled, still hoping to get his attention. "Mr. Arnold, we're getting your wife, but you need to calm down, sir!"

"Sheila, you conniving slut!"

It suddenly became obvious that nobody was answering him. His eyes were dark and a huge vein was pulsing on the side of his neck.

"God dammit!"

He tossed the phone and turned his attention to Lexie.

"God dammit, where is she?" he screamed. "What the hell did you say to her?"

"I didn't-" Lexie held up her hands. She had nowhere to go. "I didn't talk to her."

"Sir-" Meredith tripped over a monitor, searching for something she could use to sedate him. "Sir, please-"

"Mr. Arnold-" Lexie tried one more time.

"You stupid bitch!"

He reached out and grabbed Lexie, slamming her back into the window. Meredith heard a loud crack as her skull hit the glass.

"What did you say?" His forearm was now pressing against Lexie's throat. She gagged, her eyes widening as she struggled to breathe. Seconds were passing, precious, precious seconds... Meredith had to do something.

"Mr. Arnold!" She kicked the rest of the chair aside, then shoved past a cabinet, working desperately to reach them.

"What the hell did you say?"

"Let go!" Meredith dove across the rest of the debris and dug her fingers into his arm, yanking it back. But he was too big, too strong.

"Let go of her!"

Lexie was thrashing around, clawing at his hands, her feet a few inches off of the ground. Her lips were turning blue. Meredith pounded on the man's back, trying anything to distract him, to make him release her.

"You bastard!"

The guy barely flinched as she landed blow after blow, punching him as hard as she could. Lexie's eyes were starting to roll back in her head.

"You bastard, let go of her now!"

Meredith was just about to take an oxygen tank to his knees when two security guards burst through the door. Before she could even yell for help, they had grabbed Mr. Arnold and wrestled him to the wall.

"Lexie!" Meredith reached for her sister as she started to crumple. "Lexie, I got you."

Her sister managed a nod, taking big gulps of air as Meredith lowered her to the floor. Her face had gone pale, but already an angry red mark had appeared on her neck.

"You're okay," Meredith said quickly. "You're okay."

"Stupid bitch!"

Their patient kicked his legs out again, his gaze locked on Lexie. Meredith could see the shudder that ran through her body and she pulled the girl just a little bit closer. They sat there, huddled on the floor as the security guards yanked him back.

"Get him out of here!" Meredith pointed towards the door. "Get him out of here and page Dr. Shepherd!"

"Ma'am, that's not-"

"Just do it!"

The tone of her voice told them she was serious and they hurriedly pulled the drunk man out of the room. Meredith turned back to Lexie, who was still wheezing, her hands locked tight on her sister's arm.

"Just breathe, alright?" Meredith reminded the terrified intern. "Just keep breathing. You're gonna be fine."

"Okay," Lexie was finally able to get a word out.

The adrenaline that had surged through her body was starting to dissipate. Meredith watched her carefully as her breathing slowed and her grip started to loosen.

"How does your head feel?"

Lexie didn't answer. But now her eyelids were drooping a little.

Meredith didn't want to look, but finally she shot a glance towards the window. Sure enough, the glass was cracked where Lexie's skull had smashed into it. She stared at the girl, searching for any signs of a serious injury.

"Lexie," she nudged her sister as Lexie's attention began to wander. "We're gonna get you a head CT, okay? And I'm gonna have Derek take a look at you too."

"I'm okay," Lexie tried to reassure her, but her speech sounded off. Meredith slowly helped her into the one remaining chair.

"What happened?"

Steve was suddenly in the doorway. The commotion had already attracted a crowd, but now the story had changed. It had gone from being another funny tale about a drunk patient who scared the new interns, to an outright assault on one of their doctors.

"Oh my god," Callie was the next one inside. Her head darted around as she checked out the mess, the broken glass, the busted up furniture. "Are you guys okay?"

"We're okay," Lexie started again, but her words were barely coherent. Callie eyed Meredith, realizing quickly that something was wrong.

"What can I do?"

Meredith's heart was beginning to race. She wasn't used to being scared. She was a doctor, she was calm and composed. But now she didn't feel that way. Now she felt like she had not so long ago, when she'd performed a surgery on Lexie's mother... a surgery that had gone badly, one that had killed her.

She'd liked Susan Grey, hell, she'd just about loved Susan Grey. And this was her daughter, her very sweet daughter who hadn't asked for that much. Just for Meredith to be nice to her, to maybe stick up for her once in awhile. How had Meredith failed at something so simple?

She'd let Alex Karev drive Lexie home. That was it, that was the one decent thing she had done for this girl. She'd gotten her a ride home one night. Meredith hadn't even bothered to drive Lexie herself.

"Meredith?" She could hear Callie calling her. "Is she alright?"

Meredith finally looked up. Lexie seemed so tired, so totally adrift. Maybe it was just a reaction to everything that had happened. Maybe she was just coming down from the shock of it all, but ten to one, it was something more ominous.

"Just get Derek," she said quietly.

She sure as hell wasn't going to let anything happen to Lexie, not in the same place where her mother had died.

"Please," Meredith turned to Callie, choosing her words with deliberate care. She didn't want to worry her sister, but they all knew how quickly things could go wrong.

"Please, can you just get Derek for us?"'

* * *

**Well this will be one of the longer flashbacks. I hope you've enjoyed it so far! It's nice to finally have some time with Meredith and Lexie again. Thanks to all of you who have been following along. And thank you so much for your kind comments. As always, please feel free to review and let me know what you think of this chapter. I love hearing from you guys!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

"_And let's not pretend that you have some sort of relationship with Lexie. Let's not pretend that you care about her." -Christina Yang_

* * *

"I'm sorry about all of this."

Lexie sat crossed legged on the bed, still in her scrubs. She'd refused to put on the ugly hospital gown, but Meredith couldn't really blame her for that. It was hard enough wearing one when you were just another anonymous patient. But when you were surrounded by curious co-workers, the experience could be a little disheartening.

"It's my fault," Meredith still couldn't believe how naive she had been. "I'm the resident, I should've known better. And I should have called security as soon as I saw that guy."

Lexie pushed the thin blanket aside, then slowly laid back on the bed. She winced a little as her head hit the pillow. Meredith felt another stab of guilt.

"How are you feeling?"

Lexie closed her eyes, giving a pathetic thumbs up.

"I'm good."

"Tell me the truth, Dr. Grey."

That actually elicited the tiniest smile. For once, Lexie seemed happy to be caught in a lie. At least that meant that somebody cared.

"My head's still pounding," she said softly. "And now my hair smells like vomit again."

She'd thrown up twice already, much to her sister's dismay. Each symptom sent Meredith's mind into overdrive. She'd done way too many shifts with Derek in neuro.

"I think if I could just sleep for a little bit..." Lexie murmured. "I think I'd feel better then."

"Nice try." Meredith was sympathetic, but they'd been playing this game for almost an hour. "You know you have to stay awake. Besides, it shouldn't be much longer now."

Lexie didn't even bother to respond. There was no point. She'd already listed the many, many reasons why she needed the rest. That had eventually led to flat out begging, but Meredith was holding fast. She didn't want Lexie falling asleep, not until she'd heard from Derek.

He'd done an initial exam as soon as he'd arrived in the emergency room. Then he'd gone ahead and run the CT, all the while insisting that it was just a precaution. Lexie would be fine. Unfortunately, the Chief had grabbed Meredith right as they'd started the scan and by the time she'd returned, Derek had left, pulled away for an emergency consult. She was sure if something was truly, horribly wrong, he would have told her, but still... she couldn't help but worry.

"Meredith?"

Lexie still hadn't opened her eyes. The bright lights seemed to bother her, but Meredith refused to dim them. She wasn't going to make it any easier for her sister to nod off.

"I'm sorry about what I said," Lexie was mumbling, using her forearm to cover her face. "About our… my dad."

"Lexie, it's fine."

"He does, he does talk about you…" she continued on slowly, her exhaustion getting the better of her. "Sometimes, in the morning, when he's just waking up. He asks how you're doing, what you're like. But I never tell him anything."

That last part caught Meredith off guard. She had always assumed Lexie was going home to complain, to tell their father how awful Meredith could be. Surely, the girl needed somewhere to vent.

"You've never said anything?"

Lexie finally moved her arm and looked over at Meredith. She was probably wondering if this was a trap, if she was about to feel the wrath of Meredith Grey again.

"Lexie, it's okay either way," Meredith said carefully. The last thing she wanted was to make her feel bad. "I'm not angry, I'm just asking."

"I didn't think you'd want me to talk about you." Lexie shifted her gaze, wincing again as she tilted her head up. "I mean, he's not family, _we're_ not family. You have a family here, I know that. And I didn't mean…" she stumbled over her words. "I didn't mean to make a mess of that."

"You didn't," Meredith grabbed the blanket and pulled it up over her. It was an automatic gesture, something she'd once done for her mom when she had been sick. "My life was a mess long before I ever met you."

"I don't believe it." Lexie was teasing her and now it was Meredith's turn to smile.

"Oh really?"

She stood up and went over to the window. The sun was just setting and everything was bathed in a beautiful, golden light. She wanted to stand there and appreciate it, but instead she closed the curtains. The overhead lights would stay on, but there was no sense adding to Lexie's discomfort.

"Do you want to start with my crazy mother?" Meredith asked, running down the long list of things that had made her a much bigger mess than Lexie ever could. "Or maybe the boyfriend who turned out to be married? Or how about the fact that I live in a house that's basically a glorified dorm?"

She waited to hear some reaction, but when she glanced back, Lexie was gone. Her eyes were closed and she was out cold.

"Lexie?" Meredith crossed the room quickly, wondering if she was messing around. "Lexie?"

But the girl didn't move.

"Lexie, wake up."

Meredith shook her then hurriedly felt for her pulse. Everything seemed normal, but they hadn't attached any monitors yet. And she still hadn't seen the results of those scans. For all she knew, Lexie's brain could be bleeding.

"Come on, Lex…"

She shook her again. Still nothing. Meredith was ready to kill Derek now. Where the hell was he? And what the hell was going on with her sister?

"Lexie?" She leaned in a little closer, hoping against hope that she'd open her eyes. "Lexie, wake up!"

She clapped her hands right beside the girl's ear.

"Wake! Up!"

"What?!"

Just like that, Lexie jolted awake. She sat straight up, then immediately grabbed at her head as the pain came rushing back.

"Meredith!"

"Oh thank god..." Meredith muttered under her breath. Lexie didn't seem nearly as relieved. The poor girl looked absolutely miserable as she stared at her sister.

"Sorry," Meredith put a hand on her shoulder and eased her back towards the bed. "But you really have to stay awake, just until we talk to Derek."

"Meredith..."

"I'm serious."

"But he would have told me..." Lexie tried again, sounding all the more pitiful. "If I couldn't go to sleep, he would have told me."

"Maybe not," Meredith knew this was hard on her, but still, she wasn't going to take any chances. "So you're staying up for now."

She was starting to feel more and more like a parent… which was weird. This wasn't even her intern. And yes, yes, she reminded herself, Lexie was her sister. And maybe that would mean something to the rest of the world. Maybe all those lovely people with siblings out there would know what to do, would know the right way to worry and the right items to buy down at the gift shop. But all Meredith could think to do was keep Lexie awake. And even that was proving difficult.

"Meredith, I'm tired." Lexie rolled over and buried her face in her blankets. "I was up all night and the night before that."

"You're a doctor," Meredith poked her gently. "Get used to it."

"Get used to what?"

Meredith's head shot up as Derek entered the room. He flashed her a smile, but before he could say another word, Meredith pounced on him. She'd been waiting and waiting and now her anxiety was mixed with annoyance.

"Where the hell have you been?" She grabbed his arm and yanked him towards the wall, dropping her voice to a whisper. "I paged you twenty minutes ago!"

Derek was clearly in a good mood today. He didn't pull away or rebuke her. If anything, he was cheerful.

"I already told you she'd be okay." It was true. He'd stated those exact words-twice. "The CT was just a precautionary measure."

"So why didn't you give me the results earlier?"

"Because you were busy and I had a consult." He held up an envelope full of scans. "But now I'm back and I can tell you again. She's fine."

"She doesn't look fine," Meredith insisted.

His calm tone was throwing her off and she suddenly felt the need to justify her concerns, because otherwise... otherwise it seemed like she was just going crazy. She was a doctor. She wasn't supposed to care this much, not unless something was actually wrong.

"She's thrown up twice," Meredith was ready with a full report. "She's got a splitting headache, the light is practically killing her and she keeps falling asleep."

"I'm tired," Lexie had overheard that last part. "You keep waking me up."

"She's got a concussion." Derek reached down to the bed and touched Lexie's leg. It was a sweet gesture, the kind he reserved for his favorite patients. "You've got a concussion, Dr. Grey."

Lexie barely seemed to care at this point, so he wisely shifted his attention to Meredith. She was eyeing him warily, waiting to hear the rest of the story.

"Look, there's no skull fracture, no subdural hematoma." He handed her the scans, knowing full well that she'd check them herself. "She just needs some rest."

Lexie was already taking care of that part. She'd finally found a comfortable position and now she was curled up, hugging one of her pillows. But Meredith wasn't ready to give up just yet.

"You swear there's not more?"

"It's a concussion," he assured her. "That's not great, but it could have been a lot worse."

"So you're saying she can go to sleep now?" Meredith was watching her carefully. "There's no danger?"

"Let her sleep."

"You're positive?"

"Yes, I'm positive." Derek leaned forward until their eyes met. "Lexie's gonna be fine."

_She's gonna be fine…_

Meredith repeated those words to herself once, then twice. All of her muscles felt tight as if she'd been holding her breath all this time. But now, finally, she could begin to relax.

A concussion. She could handle a concussion. A concussion meant that Lexie would go back to being a silly, rambling intern, now complete with a badass story. And Meredith… Meredith could go back to being just another resident. She didn't have to play the supportive older sibling, didn't have to sit frantically in the waiting room while Lexie went into surgery.

Meredith sighed. _She's gonna be fine…_

"You were really scared, weren't you?"

Derek's face broke into a smile. He seemed to find this cute, her fretting over Lexie. She'd just spent several hours talking to doctors and cops, making reports, watching over Christina's intern to make sure she didn't die. And he found it amusing.

"No, don't do that." She gently pushed him into the hallway, making sure the door didn't slam as they left. "You don't get to do that. You don't get to joke around just because I was worried."

"I'm not joking around." Derek folded his arms in front of him, his smile still firmly in place. "It's nice to see you care about Lexie."

"Derek, I just watched a guy slam her head into a reinforced window." Meredith smacked him with the envelope he had given her. "I'm not a monster. I would've been just as worried if it was Izzie, or-or Steve."

"Who the hell's Steve?"

Meredith was trying so hard to be mad at him. But his utter bewilderment was making that hard. She finally cracked a smile as Derek started to laugh.

"Seriously, have I met this guy?"

She suddenly remembered that she'd left him down there, left Intern Steve with poor Mrs. Jenkins. She should have been worried, but instead the image just made her giggle. That sweet little old lady, berating him about his supposed fear of blood.

"Oh god…"

It felt good now, to finally exhale. This day had been such an utter disaster. She could barely remember how it had started. She gave herself a moment to recover, to feel like her old self. And then she turned and looked back through the window.

"So, she's really okay?"

She could see Derek nodding in the reflection. She trusted him, trusted his skills as a doctor, but more importantly she trusted _him_. And if he had cleared Lexie... Meredith bit her lip then finally handed the scans back to Derek.

He seemed genuinely surprised.

"You don't want to check them yourself?"

"No," she shook her head. "I have faith in you."

His surprise slowly shifted to happiness. Trust wasn't something Meredith gave away easily.

"Good, I'm glad."

He stepped up behind her, putting one hand around her waist. It was sweet how much he cared, about her and about the sister she still wasn't sure what to do with.

"Lexie's gonna be fine," he said it one last time. "I'm not sure she'll even remember what happened, not completely."

"Well that's good."

Meredith did remember, she recalled every single detail. The broken furniture scattered all over the trauma room, the sound of Lexie's head hitting the glass…

"Then she won't be able to testify when I murder that guy."

"Nice." Derek kissed her on the cheek. "I'm in love with a homicidal maniac."

"I don't think I'm a maniac if the homicide's justifiable."

"Maybe not," he agreed.

Meredith's smile spread to a grin as she turned and placed her arms around his neck. And then she leaned in and kissed him. It was the kind of kiss that was frowned upon in the hallways of a hospital, but Meredith didn't care. She deserved it after a day like today.

"I'm gonna miss this tonight," Derek brushed her hair out of her face as they parted.

"Why tonight?"

"Well you're staying with Lexie, aren't you?"

"Why would I stay with Lexie?" Meredith arched an eyebrow, assuming he was teasing her all over again. "You just said she was fine. I was going to call someone to take her home."

She started to lean in for another kiss, but Derek pulled back.

"Meredith, we're keeping her here overnight."

"What?"

So much for their big, romantic moment. Meredith let go of him then glanced back at Lexie.

"You're going to admit her for a concussion?"

The general protocol was to send patients home if at all possible. There were plenty of other people waiting for beds. If Lexie wasn't in any serious danger... she gestured at the window towards her sleeping little sister.

"You said she was fine," Meredith reminded him. "Just now, you said she was fine. And the Chief-"

"Richard approved this decision." Derek straightened. Ugh... he was calling him Richard again. She wasn't sure she'd ever get used to their weird little friendship. "Meredith, this incident happened on hospital grounds. If nothing else, it's a huge liability-"

"Seriously?" Meredith bristled. "You're keeping her here to cover your asses?"

"No, the lawyers are keeping her here to cover our asses," Derek smiled again, seemingly charmed by her outburst. "We're keeping her here because she's one of our doctors. And I want to make sure she's in the very best hands."

Meredith took a step back. She still wasn't convinced.

"So that really means she has to stay here by herself?"

That option didn't seem all that great to her either. But Derek's smile actually grew, as if he had this all figured out.

"Well that's why I thought you might want to stay with her."

_Of course you did..._

Meredith put her hands on her hips. She knew she should have seen this coming. Derek had spent weeks pressuring her to get to know Lexie better and now he saw a prime opportunity.

"Meredith, she's your sister."

He slowly spun her towards the window again. Lexie was still dead asleep, her knees pulled up close to her chin.

"She's your sister."

People kept saying that, as if those few words might make her feel different, as if they might cause some huge, life-altering flood of emotions to wash over her.

"You just spent all this time worrying about Lexie. Are you really going to tell me you can shut that off now?"

Meredith sighed. If only it was that easy.

"Derek, I barely know her."

"Well now's your chance to fix that."

"But that's not fair," Meredith could feel her heart beating just a little bit faster. She wasn't ready for this, not any of it. But fate just kept tugging her along anyway.

"Just because Lexie got hurt and just because I got scared, that doesn't mean that we're bonded for life. You can't admit her just to force us to talk."

"Okay then," Derek began to rub her shoulders, trying a different approach. "Where do you suggest I send her? Someone's gonna have to check on her through the night, just to be safe. You think her father is capable of that?"

Meredith knew he had her on that one. That man could barely take care of himself, let alone Lexie.

She racked her brain for someone, anyone, who could watch over her sister. Of course, this was the week that George had gone on vacation. He would have been perfect. She wasn't exactly thrilled that he and Lexie had become close, but at least it would have helped out in this situation.

"What about Alex?" The words flew out of her mouth before she could stop them. "They're... friends."

"Alex Karev?"

Derek was staring at her in disbelief. Meredith had to admit, it wasn't her best idea ever.

"You'd rather trust your sister to Alex Karev?"

"No," Meredith dropped her head in embarrassment. "Maybe not."

She considered the other interns for a split second, but after witnessing their semi-pathetic skills and utter flakiness today, they didn't seem like prime candidates either. She glanced over at Derek.

"There's really no one else who can stay with her?"

"The Chief called her emergency contact-"

"Molly!" For once a name popped into her brain. "Yes, where's Molly?"

"He's not sure. He just got her voicemail," Derek dashed her hopes almost immediately. "But the last time Lexie mentioned her, she was on some base overseas with her husband."

And there went that...

Meredith hated the idea of staying here overnight. But what she hated even more was the fact that Lexie didn't seem to have one single other person in the world to look after her. She must have had friends in Seattle at some point. She'd grown up here. But they'd probably long since scattered. And now the girl was left with a drunk father, some not especially nice co-workers...

And Meredith Grey.

* * *

"So you stayed?"

Dr. Wyatt's voice broke into her thoughts.

"What?"

Meredith blinked. Somehow she'd gotten lost in her own story. That memory was so incredibly vivid. It had seemed more real than her therapist's office. The touch of Derek's hand, the sound of Lexie's quiet breathing as they'd finally let her sleep. Meredith had been right back there, if only for a few minutes. But now Dr. Wyatt had ripped her out of that place.

"I'm sorry," She rubbed her tired eyes and glanced back at the doctor. "I didn't catch that last part."

"You stayed?" Dr. Wyatt set her pen in the crease of her notebook. "With Lexie, you stayed that night?"

She was staring at Meredith, waiting for confirmation. Of course she'd just assumed that Meredith had stepped up. Lexie had been hurt and left all alone in the hospital. Wasn't that always the turning point of a story? Something terrible happened and suddenly you re-prioritized everything. You saw what was important, had the epiphany.

But Meredith's stories didn't have moments like that. There were no epiphanies, no happy endings.

"No," she shook her head, wishing so much that her answer was different. "I did what I always did with Lexie."

The surprise registered on the doctor's face as Meredith shrugged sadly.

"I walked away."

* * *

**And that's chapter seven... I know a few of you were probably expecting some big medical story, but I kind of liked the idea that Meredith was worried even though Lexie didn't seem to be in any mortal danger. She's concerned, and probably even overreacting a little, because this is her sister and she's starting to care. The next chapter will continue this flashback, so stay tuned.**

**Also, a few of you have asked where Mark fits into this tale. He does pop up later, I promise. I know Lexie and Mark stories are popular (for good reason, I loved them as a couple too!) and this story might have more readers if there was more of him in it. But I think he comes in when the timing is right. For now, he's mourning off on his own. But you'll see him, don't worry. :)**

**Review if you'd like... love hearing from you guys!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks to those of you who reviewed the last chapter! It inspired me to try and finish editing the final chapter of this flashback over the weekend. So without further ado...**

* * *

**Chapter Eight**

"_No matter how hard you try, no matter how good your intentions, you are going to make mistakes. You are going to hurt people. You are going to get hurt." –Meredith Grey_

* * *

Lexie looked so peaceful.

Meredith caught herself staring again. She realized she was jealous of the girl. Lexie Grey got to sleep. She got to blissfully check out of the world while Meredith sat there, bored out of her mind.

Ugh… she laid her head over the back of the chair, her eyes drawn to a stain on the ceiling. It looked like a wolf, maybe a cat if she squinted a little. Oh god… this is what she'd been reduced to, making shapes out of stains.

Okay, that was it. She had to get out of here for a few minutes at least. Maybe the gift shop was still open. There was no way in hell she was going to pick anything up from Thatcher's house, but she knew that Lexie could use a few things. She might want a toothbrush for tomorrow morning and maybe, if Meredith was really lucky, she could find some pajamas.

"Alright Lexie," Meredith whispered as she stood. She was pretty sure her sister couldn't actually hear her, but Meredith's guilty conscience forced her to speak anyway. "I'll be right back, okay? I'm just heading down to the gift shop."

She tiptoed past the bed then sighed in relief as she reached the hallway. She honestly didn't know why she was staying here. Lexie would sleep most of the night anyway and the nurses were around. They could certainly wake her up every few hours, check to make sure everything was okay.

"Meredith!"

She whirled around as she heard her name. For a split second she was worried that Lexie had caught her, but no, it was just Christina rushing down the hallway.

"Where the hell have you been?" Meredith hissed. "I searched half the hospital for you!"

"Hahn paged me!"

Christina was all bouncy, happy even. It was an unusual look for her these days. Christina loved her job. Others muttered about the long hours, but she would cut night and day if they'd let her. Still, ever since Burke had left and Hahn had arrived, she'd lost some of that joy, the eagerness that had made her such a great surgeon.

But now… now she seemed positively giddy.

"Hahn finally paged me for this marathon surgery," Christina slung her arm through Meredith's as they walked. "The guy kept coding, but we just kept shocking the crap out of him. And it was amazing… Amazing. I'm telling you Mer, I am coming back."

"Christina!" Meredith pulled away as they reached the elevator. "Didn't the Chief find you? Didn't he tell you what happened?"

"Oh…" Christina froze. Jeez, she'd forgotten, Meredith realized. The Chief had told her and she'd already forgotten. "Yeah, I heard about Three."

She was eyeing Meredith, trying to decide which way she should go with this. All along, they'd been on the same page when it came to the younger Grey. But Christina seemed to realize that things could be shifting.

"She's okay though, right?" Christina asked carefully. "I mean the fact that she didn't need surgery-"

"Are you kidding me?" Meredith drew her eyebrows together. "Not needing brain surgery is the best outcome you could think of?"

The elevator opened and she quickly stepped off, her friend hurrying along behind her.

"Hey, I left them to do stitches!" Christina kept her voice down as they passed Dr. Sloan. They both smiled at the attending, but once he was gone, she started right up again.

"Do you know how many times we did stitches in the ER? I wasn't expecting the guy to be crazy. He was fine when I left."

"This is my fault." Meredith turned a corner, barely dodging a man in a wheelchair. She reached out to steady Christina as her friend was forced to jump out of the way. "I should've told you to stop."

"Stop what?"

"Stop hassling Lexie!" Meredith's patience was dwindling. "I mean it, Christina. This is getting out of hand."

They'd finally reached the gift shop. The older lady who ran it was obviously trying to close up for the night, but Meredith slid through the door without a second thought.

"I know you're doing it for me," she muttered. "But I don't want you to. I don't _need_ you to."

"What are you even talking about?"

Christina followed along as Meredith grabbed a toothbrush then headed over to a shelf full of books. If she was going to have to stay here all night, she might as well be entertained. Of course, she was met with a stack full of romance novels. Ugh.

"Seriously, Mer," Christina was still stuck on her earlier comment. "I have no idea what you're saying right now."

"I'm saying, you don't have to keep trying to drive her away." Meredith grabbed the book with the least offensive cover then made her way towards the clothing. "You don't have to torment her, not for me."

"Who says it's for you?"

"Christina," Meredith was getting tired of her friend's run around. "Look me in the eye and tell me you haven't been harder on Lexie than your other interns."

"Fine." Christina knew there was no sense denying it. "But Bailey always tormented us. It's like a rite of passage," she maintained. "Your first intern year is supposed to be crappy."

"Yeah, but it's not supposed to be dangerous!" Meredith snapped. She couldn't believe Christina was comparing her behavior to their former resident's. "Lexie is a doctor here," she reminded her. "We weren't supposed to turn her into a patient."

Until this very moment, she hadn't even realized just how annoyed she was with Christina. She'd gone through the entire day just accepting that she had messed up, but now her cavalier attitude was rubbing Meredith the wrong way. It didn't help that her own guilt was gnawing at her.

"We should be doing better," Meredith insisted. She was tearing through a pile of brand new pajamas, taking out her anger on all of that flannel. "Bailey taught us to do better than this."

"She taught us to let our interns sink or swim on their own," Christina was standing firm on that part. "_I _learned to swim. _You_ learned to swim. I figured Lexie would learn to swim too."

"Does it even bother you that we had to admit her?" Meredith turned on her friend. "I mean, do you even care about that part?"

"Yeah, of course I do," Christina seemed taken aback by that question. "She's my intern, so I kind of have to care."

Meredith's eyes widened at her choice of words.

"I do," she hastily corrected herself. "I _do_ care."

Meredith just shook her head and went right back to the pajamas again. She could only guess at her sister's size. They hadn't actually been together that often.

"You know, if I hadn't been there, that guy might have killed her."

That thought would keep Meredith up for awhile. There was a good chance that Lexie would have tried to stick it out by herself, to prove that she wasn't as weak as they'd pegged her to be.

"And I was this close," Meredith pinched her fingers together. "This close, to sending her back there alone."

"What's your point?"

"My point is, I screwed up." Meredith was more than willing to take some of the blame. "I screwed up by not calling security as soon as I walked into that room. But you, you screwed up too, Christina. We put a brand new intern in a dangerous position. And what happened after that, what happened to Lexie, that's on both of us."

Christina's mouth fell open a little. She looked like she wanted to say something more. She was so used to being right, so used to defending her decisions. But this time, she couldn't. There was no defense and she knew it.

"Okay, fine," she said the words slowly. Clearly, it was hard for her to say them at all. "I knew the guy was a little bit out there. And yeah, I figured he might be a handful. But Meredith, I swear," she glanced up at her friend with genuine regret in her eyes. "I swear I never thought he would hurt anybody."

Meredith dropped her head with a sigh. That part she believed at least.

"I'm sorry," Christina said sincerely. "You're right and I'm sorry."

It took a lot for Christina to apologize and Meredith knew she'd have to let this go now. She had been riding a roller coaster of emotions all day. But the real target of her anger wasn't Christina. It was that idiot the cops had hauled out of their hospital. Her friend had made a mistake, a simple mistake with consequences that no one could have predicted.

"It's fine," Meredith said quietly, trying to hit the reset button. She didn't want to argue any more, not over this. "She's fine. She'll be fine."

"So we're good?"

Christina was waiting patiently for the all clear. Meredith finally nodded, the corners of her mouth turning upward.

"Yeah, we're good."

The gift shop lady cleared her throat, instantly ruining their little moment of friendship.

"Ladies, we're closing." She gestured towards the clock, watching them expectantly. "Actually we were closing ten minutes ago."

Meredith gave her a tight smile. Apparently this woman didn't care about the emotional outburst she had just witnessed. Meredith wanted to tell her to cut them some damned slack here, but instead she chose something more diplomatic.

"We're almost done," she called across the shop. "Just give us a minute."

The woman grumbled as Meredith turned her attention back to the pajamas. She knew she should just take the first pair in the pile and hope for the best. But she didn't want to get the wrong ones, nor did she want to give the shopkeeper the satisfaction of watching her hurry.

"Jeez Mer," Christina mumbled. "We're not picking out a dress for her prom."

"She just got attacked by a psycho right in front of me," Meredith kept her voice down. "The least I can do is get her some pajamas that fit."

"Good point," Christina gave her a firm pat on the shoulder. "You've kinda sucked as a sister so far. Get her something nice."

Meredith pursed her lips to keep from smiling. That's what she loved about her friend. Anyone else would have tried to make her feel better. But not Christina… Meredith sifted through a few more pairs of pajamas then eventually held a set up for her, knowing full well she'd get an honest opinion.

"Do you think these would work?"

Christina visibly recoiled. They certainly weren't her taste. The pants and top were both pink and covered in kittens…. Kittens playing with balls of yarn and heaped in baskets together and chasing after equally sweet little mice. It was like a patchwork quilt of over the top adorableness.

"Any day now, ladies." The shopkeeper was tapping her foot. "Some of us would like to get home today."

"Ma'am, I'm sure those VHS tapes of Matlock can wait," Christina said tersely. "These are for a girl who nearly got her head bashed in this morning."

The woman shrunk back behind the counter, looking suitably shamed. Christina just regarded her with a satisfied smirk.

"Christina," Meredith shook the pajamas a little, trying to pull her friend's attention back. "Should I get these or not?"

Christina shifted her focus to the task at hand. She stared at the flannel set for a long moment then suddenly her face broke into a smile.

"You know what?" She reached for the top and held it in front of her, taking in all of that ridiculous cuteness. The fuzzy fabric, all those kittens tumbling around…

"These actually look just about perfect for Three."

Meredith glanced back at the pajamas with a critical eye. And now she saw it. She'd been asking about the size, of course. But Christina was right. Somehow, these pajamas just screamed Lexie Grey.

"So are you ready?" the shopkeeper sighed.

"Yeah," Meredith couldn't help but laugh at their choice. "I think we've got everything we need now."

* * *

Meredith glanced at her watch as she and Christina stepped off of the elevator. It was just about time for someone to check on Lexie, to wake her up and make sure that everything was okay. Meredith figured that the nurses might be there, making their usual rounds. But instead she saw two people she hadn't expected… Alex and Izzie. They were standing in the hallway, just outside the door, their faces pressed against the window.

"What are you doing here?"

Meredith hurried towards them. Thankfully, Lexie was still asleep, so she couldn't curse her for leaving the blinds open. She had been trying to avoid the extra attention. As it was, her story had already bounced around the entire hospital.

"We heard Yang nearly got your sister killed." Alex was in his civilian clothes, munching on an apple. "We just wanted to stop by and see for ourselves."

"Oh shut up." Christina stole the apple right out of his fingers then pitched it into a nearby trashcan. She held up her hands, celebrating her imaginary basket. Alex wasn't nearly as impressed.

"Hey!" he shouted in exasperation. "Save that crap for your interns!"

"Alex!" Meredith swatted his shoulder, marveling at how oblivious he could be. A single pane of glass separated them from her sister. "Do you think you could yell just a little bit louder?"

"Oh come on," Alex made a face at her. "That's not gonna wake Sleeping Beauty in there."

"And what if it does?" Meredith's eyes darted around the group. They were all watching Lexie now, peering into the room like rubberneckers at an accident site. "How would you feel if you woke up and saw a bunch of people staring at you?"

"Sorry." Izzie at least had the good sense to look embarrassed. "One of the interns told us what happened. We just wanted to see if she was okay."

Her apology was sincere and Meredith knew she had to take their presence in stride. Of course, they were going to come up here. Lexie was still a doctor at their hospital. Whether they wanted her or not, and that seemed to depend on the hour, she was still one of them.

"Yeah well, she's gonna be fine," Meredith reassured them. "They just wanted to watch her tonight."

"And her brain's all good, right?" As usual, Alex had a funny way of showing concern. "I heard Shepherd cleared her."

"She's got a concussion," Meredith confirmed the diagnosis, knowing full well that it would reach every corner of the building by midnight. "But she should be back to work in a couple of days."

"Good," Izzie nodded. "That's good."

"And you don't need to check on her anyway," Meredith sighed then held up her bag of goodies. "Derek already stuck me with the job."

"You're staying?"

Christina had somehow missed that during their shopping trip. She knew better than anyone what a huge step this was. Meredith shrugged, feeling suddenly foolish.

"It's not exactly by choice."

"I think it's sweet." Izzie gave her a supportive smile. "She's your sister, you should stay."

"Oh come on," Christina groaned. "Not you too."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Izzie crossed her arms. As so often happened, she and Christina were on totally opposite sides of an issue.

"You and Derek and Three," Christina gestured towards the intern in the hospital bed. "You're all sweetness and light and family. Meredith is _so_ not any of that."

"She's right," Meredith gave that point to Christina. "This is definitely not my thing."

"It's not a _thing_ at all." Izzie rolled her eyes. "It's just you being nice to your sister."

"Yeah, but it's weird," Meredith should have known that Izzie wouldn't get it. This kind of stuff came so naturally to her. But for Meredith, it was like speaking another language entirely.

"I mean, am I supposed to just sit there?" She really wasn't sure what the proper procedure was. "I don't have to hold her hand, do I?"

"No, you do not have to hold her hand." Christina stared at her as if she'd lost her mind entirely. "She's concussed, she's not dying."

"Alex, maybe you should do it."

There it was again, Meredith was offering up Lexie to Alex Karev. What the hell was wrong with her? All of this family stuff was making her panic. And clearly, her judgment was being impaired.

Thankfully, Alex shook his head.

"No way."

He took a step back from the window. It was obvious he liked Lexie, but this was way too big a commitment for him.

"Girls like that, when they wake up and see you sitting there all concerned and crap, they'll imprint on you like baby ducks."

Meredith's jaw dropped a little. Alex just shot her an apologetic look.

"You're probably already screwed."

"Seriously?"

Why had no one mentioned this earlier? She didn't need Lexie following her around for the rest of her life. She glanced down at her bag, wondering what in the hell she had gotten herself into.

"Great." The adorable pink pajamas probably weren't helping much. Not only was she watching over Lexie, she'd also come bearing gifts.

"That's just great."

Alex started to say something else, probably another sarcastic remark. But a sudden noise stopped him. Meredith heard it too, a faint buzzing that came and went every few seconds. All eyes went to their various pagers, but none of them were on call.

"What is that?" Izzie turned her head, searching for the source of the sound. And that was when Meredith figured it out.

"Crap!" She hurriedly pushed them away from the window, nearly tackling Alex when he didn't move fast enough. "It's Lexie's phone. Crap, crap!"

"I'm out."

Christina held up her hands. Her shift was over, which meant that Lexie was no longer her responsibility. She spun on her heel and headed straight towards the elevator. Alex and Izzie weren't far behind.

Meredith watched them leave then took a deep breath and slipped back into Lexie's room. Her sister was just starting to stir.

"Meredith?"

Lexie rubbed her eyes as she slowly sat up. Meanwhile, the cellphone was still ringing somewhere.

"Yeah, it's me," Meredith said softly. "I brought you some stuff."

She quickly handed over the bag then went to work finding the phone. Once Lexie had gotten settled, Meredith had gone and grabbed her purse from the locker. Now, of course, she couldn't remember where she'd put it.

"Are these for me?" Lexie pulled out the pajamas, a shy smile crossing her face.

"Yeah," Meredith didn't want to make a big deal of it. "I figured, you know, instead of the scrubs."

"Thanks."

Lexie seemed genuinely touched by the gesture. Meredith felt a sudden surge of anxiety. Alex was right… just like baby ducks.

Where the hell was that cell phone?

"Ah-ha!"

She spotted the purse under a chair and dove for it, pulling out the phone in one smooth motion. Her eyes immediately went to the caller ID. If it was Thatcher, she wasn't going to let Lexie answer it. But no, it was Molly.

"Here," she passed the phone to Lexie. "It's your sister."

"Molly?"

"Yeah, I think the Chief called her."

"Oh." Lexie seemed confused. But finally, her finger went to the call button. "Hello?"

Meredith could just barely hear the voice on the other end. She didn't know Molly all that well. They'd only met a few times, years back when she'd been a patient and then later… after her mother had died.

"Yeah, no, I'm okay," Lexie was saying.

She pulled up her blanket then started looking through the rest of the bag. First came the toothbrush, then the cheesy romance novel. Meredith's cheeks flushed as Lexie raised her eyebrows.

"It was the only one they had!" Meredith whispered.

Lexie just nodded, but mercifully her attention was pulled back to the phone call. Abruptly, she dropped her voice then turned away from Meredith.

"Dad's fine," she mumbled into her pillow.

Meredith tried to look busy, tried to act as if she didn't hear Lexie flat out lying.

"He's doing really well. He's probably gonna come by later tonight."

With all this talk about Meredith being an older sister, she sometimes forgot that Lexie was one too. And she was pretty good at it. She obviously had that protective instinct so many people talked about. Even now, she wasn't going to tell her sister how bad things really were. She didn't want to scare Molly, didn't want to hurt her. This is how siblings, sisters, treated each other.

"Things here? Yeah, no, they're really great," Lexie continued. "Everyone's really nice."

Meredith wondered who on earth she was talking about. Probably George, possibly Alex. Certainly not Christina... or her for that matter.

Her heart started to sink as the conversation went on. It all came so easily with Molly. Even after the crappy day she'd just had, Lexie still managed to ask how Molly was doing, still managed to laugh a little at whatever joke she'd just made. And Molly clearly cared about her big sister. She'd called from the other side of the world.

As each minute passed, it became all the more obvious that Meredith didn't belong here. Lexie was talking to her sister, her real sister. Meredith was just the person who'd brought her pajamas. She was the person who had tried to ignore her and hadn't even bothered to intervene with Christina, not in time anyway.

And the truth was, she wasn't prepared for this role. She was never going to be a good sibling. Lexie understood what that job entailed and if she was expecting that of Meredith, then she was going to be sorely disappointed.

Meredith needed to stop this right now, before it went any farther.

"I gotta go," she spoke up abruptly. "I almost forgot, I told Christina I'd help her with some paperwork tonight."

"What?" Lexie didn't seem to hear her. She shook her head as Molly apparently responded. "No, I was talking to Meredith. Hold on a second."

"I'm really sorry, but I promised her earlier."

Meredith could lie too, just not for such noble reasons. She hastily slid on her coat, flipping her hair out of her collar. It was hard to ignore the disappointment spreading across Lexie's face.

"Wait, you're leaving?"

"Yeah, but just for a little while," Meredith quickly amended. "I'm sure you'll be sleeping by the time I get back."

"Oh…" Lexie hesitated. "Okay."

"I'll make sure the nurses come in though." Meredith grabbed her bag, trying to distract herself with her keys. "And if you need something, you have them call Derek. He'll come right in."

"Okay," Lexie's voice had softened considerably. Meredith couldn't stand to look back at her sister, because she was pretty sure that she had just crushed her… at least a little bit.

_It's for the best…_ she reminded herself.

Meredith didn't need another person relying on her and she surely didn't want to rely on anyone else. Too many people had failed her, especially those who shared her last name. Lexie was just another in a long list of family members who had abruptly dropped into her life and would probably leave it just as quickly.

Neither of them was good for the other. They were too different and one of them was bound to get hurt.

"I'll be back…" she said it again, but by now Lexie seemed to know she was lying. The girl nodded slowly, trying her best to smile.

"Alright, well thanks for staying…"

She hoped that Lexie didn't see her flinch. The girl's sincere gratitude for even a few hours of her sister's kindness was almost more than Meredith could bear. But she stuck with her plan. She simply couldn't stay.

"You should get back to Molly."

Meredith gestured toward the phone as she tied the belt around her jacket. Lexie pressed her lips together, then finally, finally shifted her attention back to her own little sister. She listened as Molly spoke for a minute then eventually started talking as well. She asked about the baby, how big she was, whether or not she looked like their mother.

Meredith waited until Lexie was fully engrossed in her conversation again before she crossed the room and slipped into the hallway, letting the door close softly behind her. On her way out, she stopped by the nurse's station and left strict instructions. They had to check on Lexie every few hours, wake her up and check on her no matter how much she protested and complained. Those were the orders and there would be consequences for anyone who didn't follow them.

And when Meredith was finally convinced that they'd listened, that they would indeed follow through with every directive she'd give them, she turned and made her way towards the elevator. She could still hear Derek's voice in her head.

_She's your sister…_

But Meredith Grey didn't know what that meant. She couldn't be this person that Derek and Izzie and Lexie wanted so badly to see. And so she strode onto the elevator and hit the button for the lobby. She felt the ground drop beneath as she began to descend.

As expected, she never returned that night.

* * *

Meredith sat there in silence.

Dr. Wyatt hadn't said anything for a few minutes now. It was beginning to make her nervous. Couldn't she tell that the story was over? Maybe she was disappointed. Maybe she hated the ending. But the truth was, Meredith hated it too.

She had left Lexie behind, convincing herself all the way home that it was the right thing to do. But in hindsight, it had been a stupid, stupid decision. And it was one she'd regretted almost every day since.

"So," Dr. Wyatt finally cleared her throat. "That's when you decided that you cared about Lexie?"

"Yes." Meredith gave her a definitive nod. That was the moment, the first time she'd even considered giving their relationship a chance. As it turned out of course, she had panicked and bailed, but it had still been a starting point at least.

"And what happened after that?"

"We went back," Meredith explained. "We went back to being doctors and sometimes I was nicer and sometimes I wasn't."

"So you didn't seek her out?" Dr. Wyatt seemed a little confused by this. "You didn't try to get any closer?"

"No." Meredith twisted her fingers together, trying to ignore her own disappointment. She'd been so foolish.

"I made Lexie breakfast one morning. She had a crappy night and she stayed over and I made her breakfast. That was basically it."

"And you never talked about that day?"

"No, never."

It wasn't really something she'd been keen on discussing. It certainly wasn't one of her proudest moments.

"I'm not even sure how much Lexie remembered about it," Meredith shrugged. "She knew... she knew I was there, and that I left, but the actual thing with the patient..."

"Well maybe that's good,"

Meredith looked up as her therapist spoke. For once, Dr. Wyatt was giving her a statement, not a question. It was a break from what was beginning to seem like an interrogation. Meredith wanted to enjoy it. She could just breathe for a second, not have to think of an answer, or have to hear how that answer sounded coming out of her mouth. She could be silent, blissfully silent. But for some weird reason, she wanted to keep talking.

"I saw him later on," she started again. "Mr. Arnold, he was back here a couple years after it happened."

She glanced down at shoelaces. Her feet were still crossed in front of her and they were beginning to cramp now. Tiny pinpricks of pain shot up her leg. But she didn't feel like moving.

"We were working on a patient," she continued. "He'd been shot multiple times. And I was brought in as an extra set of hands. Someone asked me to check out his head wound and that's when I realized..."

"It was Mr. Arnold?"

Now here was a turn the doctor hadn't seen coming.

"He died right there on the table," Meredith confirmed. "There really wasn't much we could do."

She remembered them calling time of death and then she'd just gone and left the OR. Dr. Bailey had been talking to her, asking her a question in fact, when Meredith had turned and walked out of the room. She'd marched right down to the ER where, sure enough, a couple of cops were still waiting around.

"He and his wife, I guess they got into these fights all the time."

Meredith relayed the information she'd gathered that night.

"And that day, he'd just snapped. He started hitting his wife, so she found a gun and shot him. The man had three bullet holes in his body."

"Well that must have been shocking."

"Not really."

A story like that, it no longer surprised her. Domestic disputes happened all the time. The only reason that one even resonated was because of Jason Arnold's connection to Lexie.

"How did your sister react?" Dr. Wyatt glanced down at her notebook. "Was she upset?"

"I didn't tell her."

Meredith had made sure that Lexie would never find out. She'd erased the man's name from the surgical board and made it clear that anyone who told Lexie would have to deal with Meredith afterwards. Even the attendings had promised to keep their mouths shut.

"Why drag her through all that again?" Meredith was ready with the exact same argument that she'd made that day. "Lexie was happy by that point. She'd found her place here. She was dating Mark."

"And you?"

"Me?"

"Yes, Dr. Grey. What did you do?"

The therapist was pressing her now. She seemed to think that Meredith was afraid, that she was holding something back. But Meredith wasn't ashamed of how she'd reacted. And she sure as hell wasn't going to hide it from anyone.

"I went out and celebrated." Meredith said without an ounce of regret. "I mean, I didn't throw a party or anything. But Christina and I, we definitely went out for drinks that night."

"You celebrated?"

"He was an abusive bastard," Meredith reminded her. "So yeah, maybe we toasted his death just a little."

Jason Arnold had put Lexie in the hospital. He could have easily killed her. And that wasn't something she could ever forgive, no matter how much time had passed since that day.

"That man hurt my little sister." The anger crept into Meredith's voice.  
"So yes, I celebrated his death. What did you expect me to do?"

She waited to see the surprise, the horror on her therapist's face. But Dr. Wyatt just nodded.

"Exactly that." She managed a smile. "That's exactly what I'd expect you to do."

* * *

**Thanks for reading guys! Next up, we go back to the present. But yes, for those of you who have been asking, there will be plenty more flashbacks (some shorter, some about the same length). In the meantime, please let me know what you think. Thanks again! :)**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine**

"_What, exactly, did I ever do to you?" -Lexie Grey_

* * *

"You're seeing a shrink?"

Meredith almost laughed. Even before the plane crash, the idea of Meredith Grey needing therapy would not have surprised anyone else in her life. But Lexie... of course it would surprise Lexie. She'd so often looked past her sister's dark and twisty parts.

"Why are you seeing a shrink?" She stared at Meredith, her eyes slowly widening. "Oh god, you didn't freak out did you? Like we all did after the shooting?"

Meredith just smiled. Lexie's expression of horror mixed with concern was somehow incredibly sweet. She was standing in the middle of Zola's room, still wearing the same striped sweater and jeans, barely illuminated by a lamp in the corner. And she was doing that thing with her hands again, the thing that she and Meredith shared.

"No, I didn't freak out," Meredith reassured her as she rocked Zola to sleep in her chair. "It was Derek's idea. He thought it might help."

But Lexie didn't seem to hear her. She was already off in her own world, trying to absorb this new information she'd learned.

They'd started this evening down in the kitchen and just like always, they'd talked about all of the things that no longer mattered. There was no mention of the plane crash, no mention of how Lexie's absence was affecting all the people she'd loved. But eventually, Meredith had stumbled, referring to Dr. Wyatt in passing. And now her secret was out.

"It's really not that big a deal," Meredith continued, drawing her sister's attention back. Lexie was obviously a bit more sensitive to this subject since her stint in the psych ward. "I go and sit down for an hour or two and that's it."

"Well, what kind of stuff do you guys talk about?" Lexie's curiosity was overriding her worry now. "Is it work stuff, like all your crappy cases?"

"Sort of."

The answer should have been obvious to her, but Lexie had apparently joined Meredith in the land of denial.

"We talk about a lot of different things, work, family…" Meredith hesitated, wondering once again if this was a subject worth broaching. But she really couldn't think of any reason to lie.

"And sometimes we talk about you too, what you're like, how we met."

"Seriously?"

Lexie seemed a little dismayed. It was funny because so many surgeons came into their hospital wanting to be seen, needing to be the center of attention. But Lexie was usually the exact opposite. Sure, she wanted to be a rockstar like everyone else, but she didn't need the whole world discussing her life or her family or anything else.

"It's not a bad thing," Meredith explained. "Most people would be flattered."

"Yeah, but most people didn't accidentally flirt with their sister's boyfriend in a bar," Lexie reminded her. "And I bet they didn't introduce themselves to that same sister outside an emergency room."

"Well it did make for a memorable beginning," Meredith couldn't help but tease her. She knew her sister was still squeamish about hitting on Derek.

"Yeah, I'm sure your therapist would have a field day with that one," Lexie sighed.

Meredith dropped her gaze instantly, trying not to act as guilty as she suddenly felt. But it only took a second for Lexie to catch on. And now Meredith was totally busted.

"Oh god," Lexie groaned. "You already told her that, didn't you?"

"It might have come up." Meredith barely managed to suppress her smile. Poor Lexie. She was obviously looking back at her actions through an outsider's eyes. And all of it was making her flush with embarrassment.

"And next you'll be telling her how I moved into your attic and hooked up with Alex... and Mark..." Now Lexie's face had really turned red. "Oh god, Mark. I was dating your husband's best friend."

"Lexie, come on-"

"And then I broke up with him twice-_twice_." She added the extra word for emphasis. "And after all that I still told him I loved him right when he was getting serious with Julia." She shook her head, caught up in the memories. "I mean who does that, really?"

"Well apparently, you do." Meredith could no longer hide her smile.

"Ah-ha-ha-ha." Lexie tried to scowl, but she'd learned to take the ribbing in stride. Her love life was way too easy a target. "Well I hope the others are coming off better. Your doctor's probably enjoying the hell out of our Seattle Grace soap opera."

"Yeah, I guess." Meredith's smile faded a little. If only this was all as light and funny as Lexie seemed to imagine. "But those aren't really the stories we're talking about."

"But you told her about Derek and me," Lexie said quickly. If that wasn't the beginning of a soap opera, who knew what was. "And how we met-"

"Lexie, you don't see a therapist for that kind of stuff." Meredith was sure that she knew that, somewhere deep down. But tonight, she'd chosen not to see it.

"The reason we're talking about you..." Meredith bit her lip. She had to figure out the best way to say it. "It's because of me. And because of what I did… after we met, when you were an intern, all of that stuff."

"Oh." Lexie dropped her head, finally getting it.

"And it's because I miss you," Meredith said quietly. "That's why I'm talking to her."

Lexie slowly nodded. She understood now. This had nothing to do with _her_ past mistakes or regrets. Instead, it had everything to do with her older sister's.

"I'm sorry." She apologized anyway, as if she was somehow at fault here. She clearly felt bad that Meredith was still hurting.

"But can't you just skip over me?" she tried. "Like in your list of grand tragedies, I can't be that high, right?"

That question might have been funny if it wasn't so utterly heartbreaking.

"Lexie, I'm never gonna skip over you." Meredith stood up, carefully balancing Zola on her hip. She couldn't believe her sister would even consider that. "You don't skip over your family. You don't skip over the people you love."

Lexie's mouth opened but nothing came out. Meredith could see her mind spinning around. She'd been prepared to launch into one of her endearing little speeches, to let Meredith know once again that she could forget their messy past, put it behind her. But Meredith's simple admission, that she really did care, had thrown Lexie completely off track.

"I just..." she trailed off, trying to think of the right words. All she could do now was speak her true feelings in their simplest form. Her shoulders slumped as it finally came out.

"I just don't want to be one more reason you're sad."

And now it was Meredith's turn to stop short... It felt like someone had dropped a ton of bricks on her chest. For a second, she could no longer breathe.

Every once in awhile, there were moments when she forgot to miss Lexie. She'd spent a few years as the only Grey in the hospital, so sometimes it just felt normal when she was alone with Christina or Alex. But then there were also moments like these, when she remembered what Lexie had brought into her life, that love and compassion that Meredith had never really earned. And those moments were hard, they were so incredibly, incredibly hard.

Thankfully, Zola started to stir in her arms. Meredith was certainly grateful for the distraction as Lexie's attention quickly went to her niece.

"Oh jeez, did I wake her?"

She stood on her tiptoes, trying to get a better view of the child's face. And for just a split second, Meredith swore that Zola looked straight at her aunt. She was sure that her daughter could see Lexie. And Zola smiled. And just like that Lexie was smiling too.

Meredith felt a wave of relief. It was time to step back from that ledge they'd been standing on, the one they always approached when they talked about the things that actually mattered. It was so much easier not to look over the side. Neither of them wanted to see the grim reality that waited below.

"Hey, Zola," Lexie tickled the baby's feet. Meredith knew that her daughter couldn't feel the gesture, but it was easy to pretend that she could anyway. "Whatcha doing up again?"

"I think she caught Mommy's insomnia tonight," Meredith rubbed her daughter's back, happy to switch to more trivial concerns. "I happen to be okay with that. But I know she'll be cranky at daycare tomorrow."

"Phyllis will live," Lexie didn't seem the least bit concerned. "She loves Zola."

"Phyllis, the daycare lady?" Meredith raised her eyebrows. "Yeah, she may love my daughter, but she hates me."

"Really?" Lexie was honestly confused by that. "She was always super nice when I picked Zola up."

That figured of course... Meredith had long suspected that her sister had become the more popular Grey. Whenever it was their turn to make snacks for the kids, Lexie's efforts were always requested. At least they could count on her food being edible.

"Alright, Zo." Meredith shifted Zola to her other hip. "You can stay up a little while, but let's not make this an everyday thing. Mommy doesn't need Phyllis glaring at her."

She crossed over to the dresser as Zola rubbed her eyes, fully awake now. Lexie's old iPod was still attached to a pair of tiny speakers, the whole set-up looking dusty and neglected. No one had listened to the music in weeks.

"Try the 80's playlist," Lexie saw where she was heading. "Last time she was really into Huey Lewis."

"Huey Lewis?"

Meredith swung around to look at her sister. She'd come home one day to find Lexie gushing about Zola's excellent taste in music. But she'd never mentioned Huey Lewis.

"Hey," Lexie shrugged. "I can't help what she likes."

"Yeah, but you can help what _you _like," Meredith laughed. "It's your iPod."

"And it is full of amazing 80's classics," Lexie said proudly. No way was she going to give in on this one. "You try not dancing to one of those songs. I dare you."

Meredith had to admit, they were catchy. And she did like to dance, Lexie had learned that a long time ago. On those days when everything sucked and you just needed to forget about all of it, on those days, you turned up the music. That was the way it worked in this house.

Fine then… Meredith sifted through Lexie's numerous playlists, trying to avoid a painful dose of nostalgia. These songs weren't just for Zola, they'd also provided the soundtrack on numerous rides back and forth to work. Lexie had always enjoyed the role of carpool DJ.

"Here."

Meredith chose the first song on the playlist, The Power Of Love, then quickly adjusted the volume. Her sister started grooving immediately as Zola giggled. Meredith's eyes darted from her daughter to Lexie.

"Well, I'm starting to see why she never slept when I left her with you."

"Hey I was her aunt, not her parent." Lexie had relished the chance to spoil her niece. "I was supposed to let her have fun, right Zo?"

Zola's eyes lit up as if she really had heard Lexie saying her name. Meredith wasn't sure whether this development made her happy or incredibly sad.

"Come on Zola, dance!"

Lexie bounced across the room, her dark hair flying in every direction. As if in response, Zola threw her arms up and shook her tiny fists in the air.

Huey Lewis… Meredith rolled her eyes. Huey Freakin' Lewis. They were never going to bed. But the truth was, she was just fine with that, Phyllis be damned. How many more of these evenings could she really expect? She wanted to see Lexie smile, to hear Zola's adorable squeals of delight, to enjoy the company of two people who would never be together again.

"Come on, Meredith!"

Lexie spun around on the balls of her feet then gestured for Meredith to follow her lead. Meredith hesitated, but only for a second. A grin spread across her face as she glanced down at her daughter.

"Alright, you ready kid?"

Zola gave her an emphatic nod.

"Ah-ha!" Lexie grinned. "That's the sign. See? And you doubted Huey Lewis."

Not any longer… Because now, as the chorus kicked in, Meredith whirled around suddenly, lifting Zola high up into the air. Her daughter kicked out her legs as if she was flying, her entire body shaking with laughter.

"I told you she liked it."

Lexie was thrilled by her niece's reaction. The trio twirled around and around the room, caught up in the music. They froze for a couple of beats, provoking more hysterics from Zola, then immediately started spinning all over again.

"Dance, Zola, dance!"

Lexie was laughing now and Meredith wished more than anything that time would slow down. Why couldn't they just stay here for a little while longer? This was one of those moments, she knew, the kind that inspired pure, utter joy, when everything felt right and perfect, when you wanted the song to keep going forever.

But these times never lasted. She had learned that as well… every wave of happiness eventually crested, throwing you back into the churning waters below. And as the music slowly faded, Meredith could feel herself falling once more.

The next song started up a few seconds later. It was equally upbeat, easy to dance to. But the moment was gone now, leaving behind nothing but a bittersweet memory, an echo of the life they'd once had. Already, Lexie had slowed to a halt. She was staring at Zola, watching her with such love that Meredith's heart broke a little.

"You won't let her forget me, will you?"

And now Meredith's heart broke a little bit more.

"I mean you'll tell her something about me, right?" Lexie gave her a sheepish smile. "Hopefully something cooler than I liked Huey Lewis."

"Lexie…" Meredith didn't quite know how to respond. "Of course I'll tell Zola about you. You're her favorite aunt."

"Was her favorite aunt," Lexie corrected her.

"And always will be."

Meredith was sure of that. No matter what happened, Lexie would always be special. She hadn't had much time with Zola, but she'd certainly made the most of it. She'd been their go-to babysitter, the one who took Zola to the park and introduced her to the baby swings. She'd fed her and changed her and rocked her to sleep when Meredith got stuck at the hospital. She was the only aunt Zola had ever known, the only one she'd ever really needed.

"Derek's sisters seemed nice," Lexie finally mumbled.

"Yeah maybe," Meredith conceded. It was awful to hear Lexie considering her replacements. "But they're never gonna fill your shoes. And I highly doubt they dance to Huey Lewis."

Lexie nodded to herself.

"Molly hates Huey Lewis." Her demeanor shifted again. Her eyes brightened just a bit as the corners of her mouth turned upward. "And don't tell her I said this, but her chocolate chip cookies kinda suck too."

"Well, yours are great." Meredith had been craving them lately, the way someone craved something they knew they couldn't have again. "I always burn mine."

"You'll learn," Lexie didn't seem to have any doubt about that. "You're gonna be a great mom, Mer. I mean, look at you…" She stepped back, taking in the full picture. "You already are."

Zola had snuggled her head into the crook of Meredith's neck and she swore that she could feel her daughter's heart beating right next to her own. Meredith couldn't have loved the child more if she'd tried.

"We're lucky we found her."

_So, so unbelievably lucky... _

"But she's lucky too," Lexie reminded her sister. "She's lucky that she found you guys."

Their gazes met and Meredith felt it again, that stab of pain, that loss of something she'd never quite appreciated enough.

"I just wish I could be around to tell her that." Lexie said quietly. "Because it's an amazing story."

Meredith pressed her lips together. She knew she had to focus on the positive, on the fact that her daughter had met Lexie at all. Considering everything that had happened, considering how Meredith had nearly pushed her away, this was a miracle unto itself.

"Zola's gonna know all about you." She managed to smile through her quickly forming tears. "No matter what, Lexie, I promise."

Lexie just nodded again, her gaze falling back to the ground.

Meredith sighed and wiped her cheeks. Zola saw the motion and quickly helped her out, patting her tiny hands across Meredith's face.

"Thanks Zo," she whispered. As if in response, Zola leaned in, placing her arms around Meredith's neck.

The music was still playing, she realized. They were back to Huey Lewis, back to catchy beats and lyrics she could sing in her sleep. She turned the volume up just a little, not wanting to wake Derek. And just like that, Lexie came back to life. She raised her head once more, the tiniest smile flickering across her face.

They just needed one more song, one more song that could drown out the sadness. And maybe this was it.

"Come on, Lexie," Meredith reached her hand out, hoping against hope that her sister would take it.

"Let's dance."

* * *

Her baby was crying.

Meredith slowly opened her eyes. She was in Zola's room, collapsed in the chair, a blanket pulled up around her. Her neck ached and if she was being honest, then her back wasn't faring much better. But still, it was time to get up. The sun was just starting to stream through the windows. The clock read 6:30AM.

"Zola?"

She looked over at the crib, but all she saw was Zola's favorite stuffed teddy bear. Derek had already come in for their daughter. The noise she'd heard wasn't crying at all. It was a faint giggling, probably coming from the kitchen downstairs. She could just picture her husband sitting at the table, feeding Zola with little airplane spoons. It was a nice image, a happy family portrait she didn't know how to rejoin.

Meredith glanced around, expecting to see Lexie's sleeping form somewhere, maybe curled up in the opposite chair. They'd left the iPod on repeat and now The Power Of Love was playing all over again. She wanted to laugh and tell her sister how ridiculous this was, that they both had gorgeous men who loved them, but instead they'd spent the night with Huey Lewis of all people. How crazy was that?

But of course, Lexie wasn't there.

Meredith was the only one left in the room.

She dropped her head and waited for the song to play out again, waited as the previous night gradually faded from memory. And then finally, she shut off the iPod and headed downstairs.

As expected, Derek was down in the kitchen, getting their baby fed and ready for daycare. She knew that he had physical therapy this morning. His bad arm was in a sling, resting for the work he still had ahead of him.

"Hope we didn't wake you." Derek lifted his head as she entered the room. A bright smile spread across his face. It was the same greeting she got every morning now. "Did you get any sleep last night?"

And there it was, the loaded question that always came after.

"Yeah, a little," she repeated the same words that she'd said the day before and the day before that. "I slept a little bit."

"Because I looked up at midnight and you were already gone." Derek slipped a spoonful of applesauce in between Zola's lips. "Weren't you gonna try coming back to bed from now on?"

His concern was obvious, but she didn't want it. Right now she craved normalcy. She needed something to anchor her in this place, to pull her back into the life she'd once known. His worry, it was just another reminder that things weren't right, that they'd never be quite right again.

"And a good morning to you too," she said finally.

It didn't answer his question and it wasn't particularly friendly, but truthfully, it was the best she could do.

* * *

Derek watched his wife carefully, wondering if that light in her eyes would ever come back. It had been weeks, weeks since she'd slept through the night, weeks since he'd woken up with her lying next to him.

"I'm sorry," he said sincerely. "I just wanted to make sure you're okay."

"I'm as okay as I'm gonna get."

She leaned down to give Zola a quick kiss then continued across the kitchen without looking back at him.

He'd heard her last night, getting up, heading over to Zola's room. He'd thought about following her, but he knew better now.

For the first few days after the crash, once they'd been allowed to come home, he'd tried to talk to her. He'd done his best to make her feel safe and loved. And when she'd wandered the house in the middle of the night, he'd wandered it with her. But it had so often ended in tears, or fighting, or more than likely a combination of both. So now he was just trying to give her some space.

"Where did these come from?"

Meredith had spotted the apples again. He'd bought the red ones, the kind that she liked. But it didn't seem to matter. Before he could say anything, she'd scooped them up and tossed them in the trash.

"Meredith-"

She held up her hand.

"Just give me that one." Her tone was more pleading than angry. "Please, Derek."

At least this was something, he thought. At least they weren't arguing or yelling again. And besides, it was a simple enough thing to agree to. No more apples. If that was a line she wanted to draw then he could stand by it.

"Okay." He finished wiping Zola's face. "Okay, from now on we stick to bananas and pears."

For once, his wife actually smiled, a genuine smile that just barely reached her eyes. That smile was rare now and generally reserved for Zola, so he appreciated it all the more when it was directed his way.

"Thanks."

She caught his eye for a second, then leaned forward against the island, her palms pressed on the counter. He knew she was considering breakfast. This is how it went every morning as he watched her struggle through the steps of her daily life. Step one, wake up, step two, make breakfast... She reached for the box of cereal then poured some into a bowl.

"Did you see Dr. Wyatt again yesterday?"

Derek hoped the question sounded more casual than it really was. Meredith had been keeping him at a distance for so many weeks, but maybe, if he was lucky, the doctor could help them with that.

"We talked for awhile," Meredith gave in and answered him. Derek stood up and grabbed the milk from the fridge, then gently nudged his wife towards a chair. "But she asks a lot of questions."

"What does she ask about?"

He was pretty sure he had the answer to that, but he wanted to be absolutely positive. He couldn't help his wife unless he knew what the problem was. Meredith just sighed.

"Lexie," she murmured. "She always asks about Lexie."

Derek had been right. Dr. Wyatt was still zeroing in on Meredith's little sister. The plane crash, more than the shooting or the ferry accident or anything else, had literally shattered Meredith's world. Her best friend and husband had both been hurt. She herself had been injured and some of their other colleagues had been broken as well. But it all paled in comparison to the loss of her sister. Everyone else could be fixed, but Lexie was gone forever.

"I miss her too," he said quietly. "You know that, right?"

"I do."

Meredith nodded. She took another bite of her cereal then finally regarded him. For the moment, they seemed to be on the same side again.

"You would've taught her to be an amazing neurosurgeon."

"I wish I'd had the chance." He sat down beside his wife, trying to contain a surge of emotion. "She was a great student."

And he wasn't just saying that because she was gone now. Lexie had certainly made mistakes along the way, but she'd had potential. The patients adored her and she was easy to work with. Plus, she was family and the truth was Derek had come to love her almost as much as Meredith had. She was his little sister too… well she had been, before….

"This is how it was supposed to end up, isn't it?" Meredith glanced around, her eyes falling on him then Zola, who was busy stuffing Cheerios into her mouth. "Just us, our little family. At some point, we always knew it would just be the three of us."

Derek thought about that for a second then gave a slow nod.

"Yeah, I guess so."

Once upon a time this house had been busy, chaotic, a whirl of people coming and going. First with Izzie and George and Alex then Lexie and April and Jackson. Not so long ago, they'd had four people sharing a bathroom. And then, slowly but surely, their numbers had dropped as each of their roommates had eventually moved on. Lexie had been the last one...

"It's just so quiet," Meredith said finally, her gaze traveling upward. He knew she was waiting, listening for Lexie's footsteps as she came down for breakfast. "I never expected it to be so quiet."

"I know."

Derek leaned over and kissed her on the top her head. He wished she would cry, just let it all out. There was so much buried in there that she wouldn't ever tell him. He wanted to hold her, to let her scream and yell and curse the world that had let her down so many times. But she wasn't going to let him… at least not yet.

So all he could do was kiss her again, and tell her one more time how sorry he was that her sister was gone.

* * *

**Thanks for reading everyone! Hope you enjoyed the return to the present. Please let me know what you think. :)**

**I'm not sure if I'll be able to update for the next week or so. I realize while I'm gone, the ninth season premiere of Grey's Anatomy will air in the US. I'm sure it'll be pretty different from how things have unfolded here. But I hope you'll keep coming back anyway. Trust me, there are still many, many chapters left to this story. **


	10. Chapter 10

**And we're back. Okay, I guess I should admit it. I haven't yet watched the premiere of Grey's Anatomy. I know the basic plotline and what happens to the remaining characters. Even though I'm not a huge fan of how it worked out, I'm sure I'll watch the episode soon. As it stands, this story is already mapped out, so I'm not going to change it based on where the ninth season goes. Some stuff will be dramatically different here and who knows, some of it might be similar (I haven't seen enough to be sure either way). But I'm just going to keep editing and posting the remaining chapters. I hope you stick around for the ride. **

**And PS, I love that some of you asked about the other characters and their reactions in the review section. Because guess what? We start to touch on that here. So please, read on.**

* * *

**Chapter Ten**

"_Some days, the whole world seems upside down." –Meredith Grey_

* * *

Jennifer Murray still hadn't moved.

Meredith spotted her the moment she walked into Gracie's room. She was perched on the chair, half asleep, her sister's hand clasped in her own. Their little brother Mason hadn't left either.

Christina had said that things had improved. Gracie had made it through one surgery already, to fix some internal bleeding. Her leg was set and the head injury hadn't been as bad as they'd thought. But still, her heart had been through a lot. There was no going home now. So all her family could do was sit... and wait.

"Who's that?"

Mason caught sight of her standing in the doorway. He'd been tossing a baseball from one hand to the other. Now he held it up as if he might suddenly hurl it her way.

"Mason, don't be rude," Jennifer quickly shushed him.

"That's okay." Meredith forced a smile then stepped a little farther into the room. "Sorry if I surprised you guys."

Jennifer seemed happy to see her at least. Mason was still holding off judgment. He pushed his baseball cap back on his forehead, trying to get a better view of this stranger.

"I'm Dr. Grey." She held out her hand. Mason hesitated even as Jennifer nudged him forward. After a second of awkward silence, Meredith knelt down so they were at the same eye level. "It's nice to meet you."

"I'm Mason," he finally gave in. His voice turned serious as he took her hand and gave it a firm shake. "Are you Gracie's doctor?"

"I was one of them." Meredith replied. "I was with her when she first came in."

"How come I haven't seen you then?" Mason regarded her with suspicion.

"She was with me," Jennifer gently pulled off his baseball cap then tussled his hair. She obviously found his protective act kind of adorable. Meredith did too in fact. It didn't matter if he was only seven, Mason considered himself the man of the house.

"Dr. Grey stayed with me for awhile when they took Gracie to surgery." Jennifer wanted him to understand. Meredith was one of the good guys. "I was scared and she made sure I was okay."

Jennifer glanced up at Meredith.

"Sorry," Her face flushed a little. "I'm sure I probably looked crazy the other day."

"No, you didn't look crazy." Meredith knew as well as anyone the panic that Jennifer had been feeling. "You looked like someone's older sister."

"I guess." Her eyes fell back on Gracie. "Some days the job is easier than others."

The scene before her must have been overwhelming, even for someone who was used to hospitals. Gracie had been sick before, but all the wires and machines and monitors, they had a way of dwarfing the patient, of making them appear all the more vulnerable... and making the family feel all the more helpless.

"She's okay, Jenn." Mason took a step closer to her, placing a hand on her shoulder. "And she's gonna get a new heart soon."

Jennifer just smiled.

"He's supposed to be at baseball practice," she explained. "But he screamed bloody murder when my friend came to pick him up. He loves baseball but..."

Jennifer trailed off since the implication was obvious. Mason loved baseball, but he loved Gracie more.

"Guess it's not easy being a little brother either, huh?" Meredith raised an eyebrow.

Mason actually smiled at that then gently tossed the ball in her direction. Meredith caught it easily, somewhat proud that she'd gained his trust. There was something about this family she liked, something she desperately needed to see right now. Even though things were bad and scary, they still had each other. And they still had faith that everything would work out. She could only hope that fortune wouldn't come along and steal that away from them, like it had from so many others.

"Hello Murray family."

Meredith turned as Dr. Bailey entered the room. She'd assisted on Owen's original surgery and now she was keeping close tabs on Gracie. Kepner was only a few steps behind her, her face buried in a chart. She was assigned to help Bailey, at least until she found her footing again.

"This is Dr. Kepner," Bailey started with a round of introductions. April looked up, caught Meredith's eye then immediately froze in the doorway. "Dr. Kepner," Bailey drew her attention back, gesturing at their patient's family. "This is Jennifer Murray and her brother Mason. You've already met Gracie."

"Yeah, of-of course." April quickly glanced over at Jennifer. "Uh, nice to meet you."

"You too."

Jennifer gave her a nod, seemingly unfazed by April's slightly terrified smile. But it was apparent to everyone else in the room that something was wrong. April's gaze shifted again, first to Meredith then to Bailey, then straight back to the chart she was holding. The page she was suddenly so interested in was mostly blank, just a series of notes that she had been writing. But April continued to stare at it intently.

"Uh, Dr. Bailey, Mrs. Kozinski's labs are in here." She flipped to the very back of the chart, pretending to read off it. "I should-I should really let her know. She was waiting, I know she was waiting to hear."

"What's wrong with you?"

Mason seemed to think she was crazy. Jennifer scolded him, but Meredith was wondering the exact same thing. April was prone to nervousness, but now she was stammering like a brand new med student.

"Uh-ha, nothing's wrong." April attempted to smile again, but this time it came off as a maniacal grin. "I just, I promised Mrs. Kozinski that I would come back. And you know, Dr. Hunt's been all about efficiency lately, getting patients information as soon as we can."

Bailey was watching her cautiously, her expression a mixture of annoyance and worry. But eventually, she acquiesced.

"Okay then."

Whatever Kepner's issues were, she didn't seem to want to deal with them here. It certainly wouldn't make Jennifer feel any better to watch a doctor stuttering through the latest news on her sister.

"Go, Dr. Kepner." Bailey gestured towards the door. "I'm sure Mrs. Kozinski will be happy to see you."

That was all it took. April gave a curt nod, then spun on her heel and charged out of the room like it was on fire. As soon as she was gone, Jennifer pulled Mason aside. Meredith could hear her mumbling something, probably a lecture on how he should speak to adults. But he hadn't exactly been off base on Kepner.

"Is April okay?" Meredith stepped in towards Bailey, trying to keep her voice low.

"She'll be fine," Bailey waved her off. "She just needs some time to readjust, that's all."

Time to readjust? She hadn't even been gone that long, Meredith thought. And it wasn't like she hadn't been fired before. At least this time it wasn't for killing a patient. If anything, this return should have been easier.

Meredith leaned over, peering into the hallway. April had paused just outside the door and Meredith could see her finally relaxing. She closed her eyes and started to breathe again.

"It's okay," April whispered to herself. "It's okay to be here."

What the hell was wrong with this girl? Yes, the last few months had been difficult for her. She'd failed her boards then gotten all of her job offers pulled out from under her. But she'd definitely fared better than some of her colleagues.

"April?"

Meredith started to follow her. She needed to know if Kepner was alright, if maybe there was something more she was missing. But as soon as April saw her, she took off down the hallway, rushing to catch up with one of the nurses. Meredith watched her go, wondering what on earth had spooked her so badly.

"That girl's weird."

Mason came up beside her and gently took his ball back. Meredith knew she should stick up for her colleague, but once again, she kind of agreed with the kid.

"She's just..." Meredith tried to come up with a good explanation, but there really wasn't one she could think of. So instead, she went for an honest statement, the best one she had to offer.

"She's a good doctor."

Mason didn't seem totally convinced. He glanced over at Bailey who was now deep in conversation with Jennifer.

"Is _she_ a good doctor?"

Meredith didn't even have to think about that one.

"Yes, Dr. Bailey's an excellent doctor."

Mason considered that as he slowly rolled the baseball between his hands. Back and forth, back and forth. And then finally, he looked up at Meredith, all wide eyed and innocent.

"My parents are dead, you know."

He said those words with such ease that it caught her off guard. For a second, she wasn't even sure if she'd heard him correctly.

"They died when I was little," he continued. "I don't really remember them."

Meredith had no idea how to respond to this. But she knew better than to ignore him or to try to redirect the conversation. She'd always hated that when she was a kid. She'd easily been able to tell when adults were talking down to her, when they thought she couldn't handle something, and she'd always resented it. Somehow, it just made everything worse.

"My mom died a few years ago," she confessed. "I was pretty sad about it."

"I was probably sad too," he said thoughtfully. "But I'm not anymore because I have Gracie and Jenn. And they're good sisters."

"Yeah, I heard they were taking you shopping,"

Meredith lowered herself into a chair just beside him. She wished everybody was like Mason Murray. She appreciated his directness, how he didn't shy away from things.

"There was some game you wanted, right?"

"Yeah." Mason's face brightened a little. "But then Gracie got hurt. So we're gonna buy it when she's all better."

His eyes wandered over to Jennifer who was standing next to their sister, still talking to Bailey. Meredith hadn't been listening, but she could only imagine that Bailey was bringing good news. Jennifer hadn't started crying again. Maybe that meant that Gracie had stabilized. She wouldn't be ready for a new heart just yet, but at least they would be another step closer to saving her life.

"Hey," Mason tugged on her labcoat, trying to pull Meredith's focus back. "Do you have any sisters?"

"I do, actually."

The answer came automatically. A second later the truth caught up with her, and it took every ounce of Meredith's strength to keep her expression neutral. It was funny, she realized. She'd spent all that time denying her relationship with Lexie and now her response came without a second thought.

"I had-" she caught herself, not wanting to scare Mason. "I have a younger sister."

"What's her name?"

"Lexie," Meredith waded in slowly. Gracie was very sick and Mason knew it. The last thing he need was her god-awful story. But still... she couldn't help but share with him.

"Her name is Lexie."

"Lexie?"

Mason made a face as if he'd never heard such a name before. Somehow, this made Meredith smile.

"It's short for Alexandra," she explained. "Her name was Alexandra Grey."

* * *

If Mason caught the tense change, he didn't let on. And for that Dr. Bailey was grateful. She had missed most of the conversation, but her ears had perked up when she'd heard Lexie's name. And now Mason's curiosity was piqued. He wanted to know more about this sister she'd mentioned.

"Do you see her a lot?" he asked. "Do you play games and stuff?"

"Uh… " Meredith hesitated. "Sometimes, I guess."

"Like hide and go seek?"

"More like who has the best dance moves."

"Does she like baseball?"

Meredith paused, possibly thinking back to the hospital's last game, the epic match that had made Lexie a hero to jealous ex-girlfriends everywhere.

"She does in fact." Meredith waited as Mason moved in closer, eager to hear the rest. "She's a pitcher. And she can throw the ball really fast and really hard."

"How hard?"

"Hey Mason," Bailey knew she had to stop this before Meredith stumbled. Sooner or later, the reality of the situation was going to set in again and the seemingly happy stories would lead to their incredibly tragic conclusion. Mason didn't need that and neither did Meredith.

"I bet Gracie would like it if you held her hand now."

Meredith's cheerful expression faded away as Bailey gently guided the boy back to his sister's bed.

"She's gonna get a new heart soon, right?" Mason lifted up Gracie's hand then pressed it tightly between his own. "You said, Dr. Bailey."

"We're working on it." Bailey smiled at him. She always felt for the patients' families, but often times they served as a distraction. This little guy though, she couldn't help but adore him.

"You just keep watching over her until we do, okay?"

"Okay."

Mason quickly shifted all of his attention to Gracie. He was officially on guard duty again, the protective little brother who refused to leave her side. Jennifer reached over and pulled him into her lap, then looked back at the doctors.

"Thanks."

Bailey just nodded.

"Come on, Dr. Grey." She gestured for Meredith to follow her. "Let's leave this nice family in peace for awhile."

Meredith clearly wasn't ready to go yet, but eventually she did, with one last wave to the Murrays. Finally, she slipped back into the hallway as Bailey kept a wary eye on her. She was searching for something, some sign that her former intern had started to heal.

Meredith Grey hadn't done a surgery in over a month. First, they'd had to get her home, to patch her up and take care of her physical wounds. And when she'd eventually returned to the hospital, her duties had been scaled back. They'd all been watching and waiting, wondering how long it would take her to really be able to concentrate on something other than her loss. And now, after all of these weeks, Owen Hunt had cleared her for surgery. Still, Bailey had her reservations. She knew Meredith hadn't been seriously hurt in the plane crash, but her emotional scars, while hidden, were certainly there.

"You okay?"

She regarded the woman with some measure of concern.

"Yeah, of course," Meredith pretended to be surprised by the question, but there was a noticeable edge to her voice. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"I heard that boy asking about Lexie."

Meredith's expression changed instantly. Her entire body tensed as she shoved her hands into the pockets of her labcoat. Bailey had struck a nerve.

"That's called eavesdropping."

"No," Bailey corrected her carefully. "That's called listening to a doctor who clearly still has some issues to work out."

"I don't have any issues." A switch had been flipped and she was on the defensive now. "And if I did they wouldn't be anyone's business but my own."

"As your superior at this hospital, I'd beg to differ on that one," Bailey narrowed her eyes. She didn't generally pull rank, but this was one of those times when it was totally called for. "I simply asked if you were okay and I'd appreciate an honest answer."

"And I already gave you one," Meredith muttered. "I'm fine. Cleared for surgery, ready to go. So I don't need you or anyone else looking over my shoulder."

Before Bailey could respond, Meredith turned abruptly and started down the hall. She didn't glance back, she didn't check her pager, she simply did an about face and headed towards the elevator.

Bailey watched her retreating figure in disbelief. Truth be told, she'd been testing Meredith just a little, but this wasn't the reaction that she had expected. This level of insubordination wasn't acceptable and if Meredith thought that would put an end to the discussion then she was sorely mistaken.

"Meredith Grey!"

Bailey shouted down the hallway, but Meredith didn't even bother to slow down. Not so many years ago, just the sound of Bailey's voice would have made her screech to a halt, but apparently that ship had sailed. Now all Bailey could do was hustle to catch up with her.

"Meredith Grey, you stop right there."

But Meredith continued to ignore her. In another few seconds, she'd escape into the elevator or try to take cover with the group of doctors chatting idly down the hall. So Miranda Bailey did the first thing she could think of. She rushed ahead, threw open the door to the supply closet and yanked her former intern inside.

"What are you doing?" Meredith nearly tripped as she spun around to face her. "You can't just-"

"I know you're probably upset." Bailey cut her off, still fighting to keep her temper in check. Meredith was grieving, she reminded herself. She was hurt and she was lashing out. And so Bailey would have to tread softly. There was a fine line between being honest and being cruel.

"You have every right to be sad and angry," she started again. "To be pissed off at the world and maybe resent those of us who weren't on that plane. But that doesn't mean you get to walk away from me." She pointed at Meredith. "You don't get to walk away from me or whatever problems you're trying to hide from."

"I don't have any problems," Meredith protested again. But Bailey didn't believe that for a second.

"That boy back there just asked you about your sister, your sister who died in a crash that you were in too."

Meredith was fighting valiantly to contain her emotions, but Bailey could see her flinch just a little.

"Now I imagine you might have some feelings about that, some feelings that would be completely understandable given the situation."

"Dr. Bailey-"

"No." She kept pushing, refusing to let Meredith stop her from saying what needed to be said. "Lexie was a nice girl, a lovely, lovely girl and a damn fine doctor."

"I know that."

"But more importantly, she was your family."

Meredith crossed her arms, as if trying to shield herself. Unfortunately for her, Bailey was standing right in front of the door so she could not escape.

"What's your point?"

"My point is, maybe you need some time to process all this," Bailey kept her voice gentle but firm. "Because we have a surgery later today, your very first surgery since… since the accident. And I'll need you to be focused on that, not on Lexie. And if you can't do that, then there's no shame in waiting."

She looked straight into Meredith's eyes.

"There's no shame at all."

Meredith took a moment and Bailey could see her blinking back tears. This was hard, almost certainly harder than she had ever imagined. Bailey knew Meredith's history. She'd seen what it had taken for Meredith to accept Lexie and she was sure this loss hurt that much more because of it. But Meredith was strong. Her entire life was molded by disappointments, challenges, tragedies...

"I'll be fine, Dr. Bailey."

Now Meredith was returning her gaze.

"I'll be fine, I promise."

Bailey wasn't sure whether or not she believed that, but finally she nodded. She'd said her piece. She'd cut through Meredith's BS and given her an out, at least for the surgery. Now it was up to her to decide whether she was ready.

It was a horrible feeling, not being able to do more for this woman. Meredith had been her intern and the truth was Bailey was incredibly proud of her. If she could have made this any easier then she certainly would have, but Meredith had to walk this path on her own.

"I am really and truly sorry about Lexie." Bailey said softly.

This wasn't the first time she'd expressed that sentiment and it wouldn't be the last. They'd lost far too many people at this hospital, but that didn't make the pain of each passing any less significant.

"She's certainly been missed around here."

"I know…"

Meredith sighed and wiped her cheeks with both hands. She seemed determined to move past this, to act as if everything was okay. And Bailey couldn't blame her. People were examining her every move and Meredith had to act normal if she ever wanted to see an OR again.

"Do you know what's up with April?" She took a shaky breath, trying desperately to change the subject. "Because she's been weird a lot, but that was actually weirder than usual."

For a second, Bailey considered redirecting the conversation to something else, anything else. But her mind had gone blank on possible topics. She actually did know what was up with April Kepner. She could read these doctors like the back of her hand. She saw their happiness, their jealousy and insecurity, their crushing despair... That was her gift and her curse.

"You know, don't you?" Meredith was staring at her, likely clued in by Bailey's guilty expression. "You know what's wrong with April."

Bailey folded her hands and quickly weighed her options. Maybe it was best to tell Meredith now. It was probably better that she find out here in the quiet of a supply closet where the drama could be contained. If Meredith confronted April on her own, then April might very well melt down on the spot. And her chances of actually sticking around would drop dramatically.

Bailey sighed, wondering how she always ended up in the middle of these situations.

"Dr. Kepner's avoiding you." She stated the facts as simply as she could, knowing that the emotional component would come soon enough. "Maybe you've noticed, you two are hardly ever on the same schedule and you're never working on cases together."

Meredith's eyes rolled up to the ceiling as she thought back to the past couple of weeks.

"But why?" she asked, genuinely confused. "What, does she think personal tragedies are catching or something?"

Bailey shook her head, wishing that Meredith could see the truth on her own. The answer was right in front of her. But the same denial that got Meredith through her day was also hiding what should have been totally obvious, even to her.

"Dr. Kepner was let go," Bailey reminded her. "Since she didn't pass her boards, there wasn't a position left for her here."

"So?"

Bailey didn't want to spell it out, but she knew that she had to.

"So…" She bit her lip, trying to find the right way to put it. "So, because of what happened…" she gestured at Meredith, trying to soften the blow. "Because of the plane crash and what happened with Lexie…"

The realization hit Meredith all at once and she deflated immediately.

"April took her position."

Meredith's eyes locked onto Bailey's as the news gradually sunk in. There was an awful finality to it, but there was no sense pretending that Lexie would ever come back.

"Yes," Bailey said quietly. "April took your sister's position."

Meredith dropped her chin and closed her eyes for a second, trying to regain her balance, to find that spot where she was a doctor, not a sibling. This simple piece of news, already known to the rest of the hospital, had hit her like a punch to the stomach. But somehow she managed to hang on, to not cry or curse April Kepner for benefiting from Lexie's death.

"She feels guilty," Bailey explained slowly, not wanting to rush Meredith. "She feels guilty about it and so she doesn't know how to act around you."

Meredith just nodded, seeming to understand. It made sense when you thought about it. It had to be hard trying to step in for Lexie, especially in front of her still grieving sister.

"Well she doesn't have to hide," Meredith looked up. She brushed her hair out of her face as she searched for any possible bright side. "Lexie's job had to go to somebody. Why shouldn't it be April?"

She offered a half-hearted shrug.

"At least they were friends…"

_Friends?_

Bailey's eyebrows shot up as she heard that last part. It was like a shock to the system, a moment of relief that yanked her right out of the pit of sorrow they'd found themselves in.

Lexie Grey had liked a lot of people and somehow she'd managed to be nice to just about everyone at the hospital, but saying she and April were friends… that might be pushing it.

"Didn't Lexie threaten to run that girl over?"

Bailey tried not to crack a smile, but it was nearly impossible. She'd obviously caught Meredith by surprise with this sudden right turn, as evidenced by her startled expression.

"It was more of a metaphorical threat." Meredith shifted her weight from one foot to the other. The corners of her mouth went up as her own sadness was ultimately replaced by amusement. "How did you even hear about that?"

Bailey allowed her own smile now. Finally something was pulling Meredith back again, reminding her that there were a lot of funny stories to go with the awful ones.

"Kepner told anyone who would listen."

"Seriously?"

"Oh yeah."

It was hard to forget... April running around, her face flushed as she spit out the tale with chipmunk like speed. At the time, Bailey had found it pretty damned funny, but she'd tried to hide her reaction, tried to remain professional and scold the resident for spreading such gossip. Still, the thought of Lexie threatening anyone, let alone the squeaky girl from Mercy West, was enough to make her giggle inside.

"I can't believe April said anything." Meredith's grin widened considerably as she remembered how exasperated her sister could get, particularly with their former roommate. "Why would she want to tell you that?"

Bailey leaned in closer, as if she was sharing some huge secret. She dropped her voice just a little then glanced up at Meredith.

"I think she was worried Lexie might actually go through with it."

And that was all it took. The pain, the sadness, for one precious second, it evaporated completely.

And just like that, Meredith Grey burst out laughing.

* * *

**Thanks again for reading! Please review if you can. :)**


	11. Chapter 11

**First things first… thanks again to everyone who's been reviewing this story. I've loved reading your comments, which scenes you've enjoyed, your thoughts on the characters and the relationships etc. Some of you have been really detailed and I certainly appreciate that. **

**Secondly, I still haven't watched the new season of Grey's yet (it's on my DVR for now), but I've caught up on recaps… and I think it's safe to say that this story takes a distinct right turn from their version of events after the plane crash. Let's just assume, for the sake of my poor little fan heart, that our doctors got rescued fairly quickly and (tiny SPOILER ALERT for INTL fans) that there are no freaking animals (head shake at that one). And then let's forget that this was ever mentioned at all…ever. **

**Ready? Here we go. :)**

* * *

**Chapter Eleven**

"_We help more than we hurt." –Christina Yang_

* * *

The appy had gone well. Her first surgery back... and it had gone perfectly.

For one brief period of time, Meredith had lost herself in the medicine again. She'd performed the surgery with such ease that she'd almost surprised herself. In the beginning, Dr. Bailey had hovered nearby, but eventually she'd stepped aside, her confidence in Meredith's abilities fully restored. Not surprisingly, April had kept her distance, busying herself with charts in the gallery.

But Meredith had managed to forget all about her. She'd forgotten about the plane crash, she'd forgotten that Lexie had died. All she had seen was blood and tissue, pieces of a human body that she could make better. She had cut and stitched. She had been the exact same doctor they'd known before the crash.

And she'd felt it, that surge of energy that came with the job she still loved.

Eventually though, the surgery had ended and she'd spent another sleepless night talking to Lexie. She couldn't even remember what they had discussed. The words didn't really matter. It was just nice to hang out in the kitchen again, to celebrate her successful return to the OR. It was a weird contrast. The gritty reality of surgery during the day and her secret chats with Lexie at night. But she'd take it. She'd happily take it.

And now it was morning... another chance to keep building on what she had started. She was a surgeon again. Pretty soon, she'd go up to the board and see another patient she could help, another body she could heal.

Meredith allowed herself a tiny smile as she walked into the locker room. And that was when she saw the man.

She recognized him instantly. He often roamed the hospital in his janitor's uniform, his white hair patted down on his forehead, his shoes squeaking against the linoleum floors. His cheerful demeanor had made him quite popular, especially with the nurses. But now, as he turned, his face was solemn.

"Dr. Grey."

Apparently, he knew her name. But she couldn't recall his. So the only thing she could do was stand there and stare at him, her mouth half open.

"I'm sorry," he said, his gravely voice making the apology sound all the more sincere. "I thought I had the place to myself."

"What are you doing?"

A cardboard box was on the bench just beside him and she could see some of Lexie's belongings peeking over the sides. Some things, like the photos, had been living in her locker forever. Others, she had left there that day... her clothes, her shoes. She'd certainly planned on wearing them home... if their plane had ever made it home.

"I'm sorry." The janitor repeated his apology. He was still holding Lexie's jacket in one of his hands. "We had a new doctor in here this morning, wanted to know why this locker wasn't cleaned out yet, since he's having to share with the interns."

A new doctor? Meredith tried to guess which one it had been. Whoever it was, he would have known exactly what had happened to Lexie. Everyone knew. And yet he'd gone and asked for this anyway.

"Who complained?" she demanded. "Was it that guy who just started here yesterday?"

The poor janitor, the kind man who always smiled at her, hesitated just a little and Meredith instantly regretted her tone. This wasn't his fault. He was just trying to do his job.

"I was going to put the box in the Chief's office," he eventually spoke up again, wisely leaving her question unanswered. "When I couldn't find you this morning... I didn't want to risk leaving it here."

_Because some new doctor might steal Lexie's stuff along with her locker..._

Meredith forced herself to breathe. She had known this would happen. It had happened after George and Reed and Percy. And eventually, it would happen after Lexie too.

But it wasn't going to happen today.

There were too many other boxes. Meredith couldn't handle one more right now.

"You know what?" She perked up a bit, trying her best to be friendly. This man didn't deserve the glare she was fighting to hide. He was clearly here under duress. "I'll take care of it."

He watched her for a moment, hardly convinced.

"I will, I'll take care of it." Meredith stepped forward and picked up the box, forcing him to put Lexie's jacket back in the locker.

"Okay." It took him a second to adjust to her plan, but he was obviously relieved. "Okay, that sounds good."

He reached out and tapped the wooden shelf with his knuckles then slowly made his way around the bench, carefully studying the other lockers he passed. Meredith could see his wistful expression. He'd met all these people, the ones whose names were written above and all the ones who had come before them. He'd seen them grow up from tiny interns. And he'd watched many of them leave here, some with amazing opportunities elsewhere and some… in other ways.

"Dr. Grey?"

Meredith glanced up as he paused in the doorway.

"She was a nice girl, your sister." His eyes wandered back to the box she was holding. "A very nice girl."

And that was when Meredith remembered his name.

Lexie had baked cookies for many of the staff members the previous Christmas. And then she'd insisted that Meredith and Derek be the ones to hand them out. She'd thought it would look better coming from them, the people higher up in the pecking order. But just about everyone knew that Meredith didn't bake and it wasn't hard to guess that Derek didn't either. So the truth had come out by the end of the day

"Thanks, James." Meredith pictured the festive tag that Lexie had made for his plate of cookies. She'd told Alex that she was tired of strangers talking about her sister. But somehow, this man didn't seem like a stranger.

"I appreciate that." She hugged the box just a little bit tighter. "And if anyone else bothers you about the locker, you can send them to me."

"Of course, Dr. Grey."

James gave her a nod then turned and slipped out the door. Meredith stood there and waited as the latch clicked into place. She let the silence envelope her, then finally let out a breath. She felt like a boxer who had just fought ten rounds. And there was still so much more to come.

"Okay then," she murmured.

She set the box down on the bench then carefully picked out the first item inside, a photo from Lexie and George's infamous housewarming party. She returned it to its rightful place, making sure the tape stuck to the wall of the locker.

And then she reached back for the next item. And the next. She didn't stop until the box was empty again.

* * *

Christina Yang was attempting to kill a vending machine.

_Seriously, you do not want to mess with me..._ she thought, as she slammed her palm against the glass. She'd just come out of an eight-hour surgery, an eight-hour surgery holding instruments for a supposed cardio god that she'd known for all of two weeks. This was her life, always chasing another teacher, always trying to learn and grow even as the world kept screwing with her.

At least Grace Murray had made it so far. Thankfully, Dr. Bailey had pulled her through yet another surgery.

_Because that poor girl hasn't been cut open enough…_

"Come on, you piece of crap..."

She shoved the vending machine one more time. The hospital was still in chaos, utter and complete chaos. And Owen was hiring people left and right, scrambling to plug holes as the others eased back into their jobs. That's how she'd ended up with Dr. Armstrong, their new cardio attending. He was only temporary, but now, just like that, Christina was back at the bottom of the heap, struggling to get OR time even as Mayo continued to call. She was stuck doing grunt work while some other doctor worked on her patients, patients like Grace Murray who she'd known for years.

And in the meantime, the few patients she _did_ get to work on kept dying. Post-op complications from surgeries she hadn't even performed. Hell, some hadn't even made it to the OR. One had somehow stroked out while eating his breakfast.

She should have left. She knew that, of course. She should have gone and started over somewhere else. But she had Owen to think about... well sort of, depending on the day. But more importantly, she had Meredith, Meredith with the battered husband, the dead little sister and the admittedly shaky emotional state.

"I swear I will take you apart with a scalpel…"

Christina glared at the vending machine, vowing to go that far if she needed to. But giving it a few swift kicks was actually easier. And better yet, it actually worked. Her candy bar dropped to the bottom with a satisfying thud. And finally, for the first time that day, she was able to smile.

Christina turned and headed back upstairs, back to the comfort of her lovely, surgical world. She could only hope she had something coming her way, an awesome procedure she could do on her own, better yet a surgery that could actually save someone. Because so far, this hospital hadn't offered her either, at least not in a very long time. And her job was getting less satisfying by the day.

Dr. Armstrong wasn't completely horrible, but he certainly wasn't Teddy. He didn't stare at hearts with the same awe, didn't get excited to try new procedures. Teddy had taught her to marvel at what she could do, not just the surgery, but the life she could give back to people. It was a part of the job Christina didn't talk about, for fear of looking weak to the others. But now, it seemed to matter more than ever before. And she missed it. She wanted to do something good, something worthy of her talents, something that mattered... something where her patient didn't land in the damned morgue.

She just needed the chance. She just needed this stupid hospital to give her the chance again. Because she couldn't go to Mayo. That option was out. Mayo would have meant leaving her best friend behind. And that was something she simply wasn't willing to do.

"Mer…"

Christina spotted her near the surgical board, just where she'd expected her to be. That board was the first place a surgeon paused when they arrived at the hospital. It was magical, offering up procedures that could transform crappy days into amazing ones. Even in her current funk, Christina still treasured it and she knew Meredith did too… or she had not so many weeks before.

"So," She stepped in next to her friend, surveying that lovely list of procedures. "You get anything good?"

Meredith didn't answer. In fact, she barely seemed to notice Christina. They'd finally deemed her well enough to repair broken people and by all accounts her first surgery had gone well yesterday. But you'd never know it from the scowl on her face.

"What's wrong?"

Meredith just shook her head, unable to tear her eyes from the board.

"They forgot the M," she said bitterly.

Her name was written there in crisp black ink. She was due for another appy… a child's play surgery if ever there was one. But that wasn't the reason she was upset.

"They forgot the freaking M."

There beside the appy, it simply read "GREY." No initial. No sign that there had ever been another Grey here.

"Idiots," Christina muttered. She glanced around at the doctors and nurses, wondering which one of them had made this mistake.

Less than two months ago, initials had been commonplace. The name Grey was always, always accompanied by either an M or an L. But apparently, someone had decided that this was no longer necessary. That person was correct of course, but it was sort of like coming up to a victim who'd already been stabbed and twisting the knife just a little bit deeper. This kind of stuff hurt… it hurt a lot.

"You want me to yell at Owen for you?" Christina carefully unwrapped her chocolate bar then bit off the first square. "He's technically in charge so he kind of deserves it."

"No." Meredith shook her head again, though the motion wasn't exactly convincing. "No, that's okay."

"You sure?" Christina mumbled through a mouthful of chocolate. She knew she shouldn't be entertaining such thoughts, but at least if she confronted Owen they might actually talk.

"Because I will," she insisted. "I will totally yell. That's one of the few things we're still good at."

Meredith finally turned towards her, the concern flashing across her face. They'd been so busy discussing her issues with the crash and Lexie and Derek, that sometimes Christina's issues got pushed to the side.

"You said things had gone back to awkward and silent."

"That was last week." Christina pointed at an invisible calendar in front of her. "This week, we're back to yelling. Lots of yelling."

"Well at least you're communicating," Meredith said. "I mean, that's good, right?"

Christina shrugged and took another bite of her chocolate. Sadly, Owen was the least of her concerns right now.

"It's yelling."

"Well, are you okay?"

Meredith was obviously worried about her. This wasn't the response that Christina was hoping for, but at least it was taking her mind off of Lexie.

"I'm choosing to be zen about it," she sighed.

"Christina," Meredith's tone was measured. "You are _not_ a zen person."

This was true, but sometimes things changed. Sometimes life handed you a dose of perspective. Christina considered that for a moment, how quickly and easily your world could implode.

"Its just, it's lost a little bit of its drama, you know?" She finished her candy bar, chewing the last piece thoughtfully. "Him threatening to leave me, me threatening to leave him. Owen had an affair and that makes him..." Christina paused, searching for the right words. "That make him someone other than the man that I married."

She looked over at Meredith.

"But at some point, after shootings and bus accidents and plane crashes, you realize that your cheating husband isn't really the worst part of your life."

Meredith could certainly agree with that, but it still didn't answer the question she had.

"But you still love him, right?" She met her friend's gaze. "Because if you don't… if you don't then you should stop torturing yourself."

"No, I still love him," Christina answered softly. "I mean, I think I do. But some things are just so royally screwed up. Maybe love can't fix them, I don't know."

Meredith dropped her head with a sigh.

"Yeah," she murmured. "I don't know either."

* * *

Christina was staring at her, waiting for some bigger reaction, some opinion that her best friend was dying to share. But Meredith didn't have one.

She had wondered, not too long ago, if maybe the plane crash would bring Christina and Owen closer together. It would have meant that something good, one tiny morsel of happiness, might come out of this terrible tragedy.

She glanced back at the board… at her name, all in caps.

"Crap…" Christina was still watching her. "You're thinking about Lexie again, aren't you?"

Meredith's shoulders slumped. She'd been caught. But honestly, why couldn't they write one silly initial? How hard was that, really?

"I'm sorry, I know," She wilted just a little bit more. "I know I should be thinking about you and Owen."

"Whatever." Christina truly didn't seem that bothered by Meredith's indiscretion. "_I'm_ not even thinking about me and Owen. Like I said, some things are bigger than that. What happened to Lexie, it's bigger than that."

"They're just… they're erasing her." Meredith crossed her arms, feeling utterly helpless. She'd suddenly become the keeper of her sister's fading legacy. "They're erasing Lexie from this hospital."

"No, they're not."

"Yes, they are," Meredith insisted. "It's already starting."

She could see the evidence piling up all around her.

"They tried to clean out her locker this morning," she explained. "And April Kepner just took her old job."

"Oh please," Christina rolled her eyes. "April Kepner? That girl's never gonna replace Lexipedia. There's absolutely no scenario in which Derek starts grooming Kepner, of all people, to be a hotshot neuro surgeon."

Meredith winced. It didn't matter what Christina said. Now she was picturing Derek and April, side by side, peering into somebody's brain. Lexie had fallen in love with neuro, and the thought of April, or any other doctor for that matter, standing next to Derek… it was too much. She suddenly felt like punching a wall.

God, she hated this. People kept telling her that time would heal everything, but it only seemed to be making things worse. Everyone else was moving forward, but Meredith was stuck. And the pressure was building. She kept trying to escape it, to dodge the emotional onslaught, but every once in awhile, she took a direct hit. And unfortunately, she seemed to be taking one now.

Her tone shifted as she finally continued.

"You know what?"

Meredith balled her hands into fists.

"It doesn't even matter, because they're right. They're right." She stared at her name on the surgical board, her control slipping at an alarming rate. "Lexie's not coming back. She's just… she's not coming back."

Everyone wanted to remind her of that, her husband, her doctor, whoever was in charge of this goddamned board…

"Not now, not ever. She's gone Christina, so none of this matters now. "

"Meredith-"

"No, it's true. Lexie doesn't need a locker and she doesn't need a job. And we don't need initials!" she snapped, her anger spiking again. "There are no more initials on the surgical board!"

"Alright, I'm sorry I brought it up," Christina said hastily. "I shouldn't have mentioned Derek or neuro or-"

"Why not?" Meredith cut her off again, as her voice kept on rising. "You _should_ be able to mention it. Because everyone else… _everyone _else-" she thrust her finger into the air, pointing down the hallway. "They're all thinking about it. They're all wondering who will step in next, who will get to learn from Derek, who will get that stupid freaking locker. Because it's over, it's done."

"Mer, I think you need to calm down-"

"Lexie's gone, so she's done. I am the only Grey left here. Just me. So congratulations!" She whirled around, broadcasting to anyone who would listen. "No one will have to write that silly, extra letter ever again!"

A few heads turned, but she simply couldn't stop herself. All that resentment was pouring right out of her.

"I bet that makes you happy, right?" She directed her ire at some nurse passing by. "Because I really wouldn't want to put you out too much. I mean she's dead, isn't she? So let's just throw out her stuff and move on!"

"Meredith!"

Christina had seen enough. She reached out and grabbed Meredith's arm, yanking her closer as the nurse scurried away.

"Please stop!" she hissed, straining to keep her voice low. Meredith struggled to see around her, searching for someone else she could yell at, but Christina quickly blocked her view. "Seriously, you need to stop, right now."

Her grip tightened as she stared into Meredith's eyes.

"Stop talking, just… just stop, Mer."

_Just stop…_

Meredith took one deep breath then another, using Christina's face, her steady expression as some sort of lifeline, something to hold onto in that increasingly dark hole she'd found herself in. She could hear her own words catching up with her, hear herself shouting like some lunatic.

_Oh my god... _

She'd just become that crazy doctor, the one they'd all expected to see after the plane crash. How in the hell had she let this happen, let a simple initial trigger an outburst in front of her colleagues?

"Okay." Christina released her. Now that Meredith had shut up, she wasn't quite sure what else she should do. "Clearly, you're having a moment here."

"I think I am."

Meredith's cheeks were flushing. If she wasn't careful then the flood of tears would come next. Her anger was gone, but a whole host of other emotions had rushed in to take its place. Sadness, fear, panic…

"I'm losing it, Christina."

"Do you need a hug?" her friend asked abruptly, scrambling to come up with some way to calm her. "Should I hug you?"

"No!" That only managed to freak her out more. If Christina was offering up hugs, then she was definitely in trouble. "No, we don't hug here."

"Well, I don't know what to do." Christina was getting increasingly flustered. "You need to tell me what else I should do."

"Christina, I don't know what to do."

Meredith fanned her face, trying to swallow all those messy emotions, to shove them down where no one could see. But the harder she pushed, the faster they bubbled back to the surface.

"Well, there's gotta be something," Christina whispered. "Because you're getting all weepy in front of the surgical board!"

"Christina, make it stop," Meredith could feel the lump rising in the back of her throat. And now it was getting harder to breathe. "Make it stop. Make it stop!"

"I don't know how."

"Yes, you do," Meredith said desperately. "Just make it stop."

Christina hurriedly scanned the room, searching for someone to rescue them both. But everyone else was averting their eyes, pretending not to notice Meredith's imminent meltdown.

"Crap."

Christina spun around to face her again, racking her brain for a cure to this problem. And then suddenly, it was as if a plan dropped out of the sky. In one swift motion, she reached down for a pen, yanking off the cap with her opposite hand. The little piece of plastic fell from her fingers. But Christina didn't care. She was too busy scribbling on the board.

"Here." She gestured at her work emphatically, looking to Meredith for approval. "See, it's okay. It's all better now."

Meredith's mind had been racing ahead, trying to visualize something that could keep her from crying. Derek, Zola, that goofy grin that Alex shot her sometimes. But now that stream of images slammed to a halt.

For a moment, the whole world fell silent as she tried to figure out what Christina had written. The effort actually calmed her a bit. She felt her heartbeat starting to slow. Her breathing was becoming more regular. Her body was relaxing.

But still, she wasn't quite sure what to make of Christina's apparent solution. She seemed so proud of it, but all Meredith could see was a jagged little lightning bolt next to the GREY.

"What is that?" she asked. The last remnants of her panic attack faded away as Meredith leaned in for a closer examination. "What did you write?"

Christina blinked, obviously taken aback by the question.

"It's an M," she explained. "I drew an M, just like you wanted."

"An M?"

"Yeah," Christina couldn't understand why she wasn't getting this. "An initial, a letter."

_An M?_

Meredith bit her lip. The emotional whiplash was striking once more, just as it had the previous day with Dr. Bailey. She certainly hoped their audience was distracted, because now, instead of fighting back tears, she was fighting back the urge to smile.

"That's not an M."

"Yes it is." Christina was totally serious. She tapped the pen next to her scribbling, once, then twice. "That's an M for Meredith Grey."

"Wow." Meredith's smile appeared, despite her best efforts. "That's really..."

She trailed off, her voice breaking for a completely different reason this time. She tried to stop it, but just like before, she had no control. Somehow, she found Christina's doodle incredibly funny.

Christina had clearly picked up on that fact.

"It's really what?" She shot her friend a withering glare.

"It's great, it's really great," Meredith got the words out, before she lost it entirely. "It's really great, I swear."

"Oh shut up." Christina dropped the pen back in the tray, not nearly as amused as Meredith was. "That's what I get for trying to make you feel better."

Meredith covered her mouth, struggling to keep her grin in check.

"I'm sorry, I really am," she mumbled through her fingers. "I can't help it."

This is how it had been for weeks now. One minute she was crying the next she was giggling at the stupidest things. She honestly felt bad for the people around her. They couldn't keep up. The truth was, she couldn't keep up either.

Christina regarded her with mock disgust.

"You suck."

"No, I'm sorry, I swear." Her laughter started to break through, so she quickly cleared her throat. "But you did make me feel better, I promise."

"Yeah, I bet."

Christina grumbled like a disappointed parent, then shifted her focus back to the board. She studied that squiggly line, the one that her friend found so damned entertaining.

"I should've written an L," she muttered.

It took a second for those words to push through Meredith's otherwise occupied brain. But as soon as they did, her head whipped around, her case of the giggles instantly cured.

"Excuse me?"

"I should have written an L," Christina repeated.

She put her hands on her hips, seemingly disappointed by the missed opportunity. Meredith wondered what the hell she was talking about.

"Christina, that's awful."

Christina finally took note of her shock.

"No, it's not." She tilted her head towards a group of new doctors standing nearby. "Why not give them something to think about?"

She didn't see the harm in messing with their co-workers. After all, they were the ones who wanted to clean out Lexie's locker, who couldn't be bothered with one tiny initial.

"We could pretend Lexie's haunting them," she continued. "Reaching out from the grave, all pissed off that she's not on the surgical board."

Meredith pressed her lips together, allowing herself to go along with this creepy idea, if only for a second. But there was only one problem and she quickly voiced it.

"Being pulled off the board now… that wouldn't piss my sister off."

Christina visibly recoiled.

"Well, it would piss _me _off."

She was certainly steadfast on that one. Christina set her gaze on the newbies again, the ones who had invaded their hospital. Meredith could see the guy who had just started yesterday. He was the locker thief, she was sure of it. Christina had obviously picked him out too because she'd saved her scowl for him in particular.

"I would so haunt their asses."

"I know you would." Meredith felt strangely proud of her. "You totally would."

Christina smiled a little, encouraged by her friend's understanding. She and Meredith, they just got each other. And it was comforting to have a person like that, especially now.

"No one's ever taking me off of this board," Christina spoke up again, her voice filled with certainty. She regarded all that writing, all those names and procedures, with so much reverence that it was almost ridiculous. And then, suddenly, her face brightened.

"In fact, you know what?" She snapped her fingers. "I want a plaque. If I ever meet my untimely demise, then I want a plaque."

"A plaque?"

"Yes, a plaque. And I want it right there." She pointed towards the bottom corner of the board, towards a shiny white spot no one ever used. "I mean, let's face it, our life expectancy around here isn't that great. So if I ever get killed in some crazy accident, then I want a plaque."

Meredith didn't know whether to be confused or horrified by Christina's declaration. But her friends wasn't going to wait for her to decide, not when she could plan her own little memorial.

"And every year on my birthday, I want you to perform a surgery in my honor," she instructed. "And I don't mean an appy or some cosmetic thing. I want something life saving-rare." She glanced back at Meredith. "It had better be rare."

"You're kidding."

"I'm not kidding at all. That's how it should be."

"I guess." Meredith still wasn't convinced. But Christina was adamant.

"Screw funerals and weepy speeches." Her disgust for such traditions was terribly apparent. "You want to honor a great surgeon then do what they would have done. Make the job count, make it _mean_ something. Go in there and save someone's life. And do it for the doctor who can no longer be there."

Meredith felt those words hit her, making a mad dash straight for her heart. It made so much sense. Sure, it was morbid, all this talk about death, but somehow it fit the world that they lived in.

"That's just what I'd want anyway," Christina slowly finished up, probably wondering if she'd pushed this too far. She wasn't one to talk about feelings, but here and now, it seemed impossible not to.

"Maybe that's crazy."

"It's not crazy," Meredith said quietly. "It's not crazy at all."

"It's just…" Christina shifted her weight, her eyes still on that surgical board, on that squiggly line that held so much significance. Meredith knew right then that she was no longer considering her own untimely demise.

"A good doctor shouldn't be forgotten…" She folded her arms in front of her, her expression thoughtful. "They shouldn't ever, ever be forgotten."

It was true. But still, they'd seen it happen too many times. And Christina knew that her friend feared it now more than ever.

"Even if years pass, even if a thousand other doctors come through, even if initials start disappearing…" She regarded Meredith, her face filled with sympathy. "You just gotta find some way to remember, some way to keep her alive, at least for yourself."

"I will…" Meredith murmured.

She knew what Christina was trying to tell her. This wasn't just about Lexie's legacy, this was about Meredith too, about the things she needed in order to heal. This hospital was her home almost as much as that house she lived in, and she wasn't ready for Lexie to leave it just yet.

"I'll find a way to keep her here," Meredith's voice wavered. She was at a crossroads again, caught in that space between laughter and tears. But finally, she managed a smile, thinking about that new surgeon, how pissed off he'd be.

"Even if I have to guard that stupid locker for the rest of my life."

* * *

Ten hours later, the world felt steady under Meredith's feet again.

She smiled as she made her way down the hall, thankful that her workday was finally done. It had taken some time and a quick check in with Dr. Wyatt. But gradually, the emotional rollercoaster she'd hopped on in the morning had slowed to a halt. The train had found its way back to the station. The crazy twists, the stomach churning drops, they were over… for now at least.

Her therapist had certainly gone easy on her, though Meredith was sure she'd have to pay for that later. They'd only had fifteen minutes between surgeries, so Meredith had insisted they skip over the past. There was too much guilt there, too many minefields to wander into. Instead, she'd focused on something more practical, how best to approach Owen Hunt about keeping Lexie's locker intact.

Dr. Wyatt had protested at first, wanting to dive into other issues. But eventually she'd checked her watch, seen the futility, and passed out her advice. And now Meredith felt armed and ready to go. By tomorrow morning, she'd have this all sorted out. She'd make an appointment with Owen, then calmly explain why Lexie's locker had to stay put. To hell with the newbie doctors, her sister had worked here for five years, leaving her locker untouched was the least they could do.

It was simple and easy. Meredith would even drop her friend's name if she had to… tell Owen that it was Christina's idea. Whatever it took, she didn't care. She wasn't going to let anyone cram Lexie's life into a box, then dump it somewhere. She wasn't going to let them throw her away. Meredith couldn't let that happen. She just… she couldn't let that happen. It made her shudder to even consider it.

"'Night, Dr. Grey."

A voice called to her from across the hall, drawing Meredith's attention. It was one of the nurses, back in street clothes and heading towards the elevator. Meredith smiled, then promptly ducked her head in embarrassment. She'd seen that woman earlier in the day… up by the surgical board.

"Good night." Meredith managed to speak without turning red.

She quickened her pace, hoping to reach the locker room before anyone else saw her. She'd considered trying to catch Owen tonight. But after the day she'd had, it seemed best to wait. Besides, right now, the only thing she wanted to do was go home.

Derek had already picked up their daughter and if history told her anything, then dinner would be ready and waiting when she returned. And after that, night would fall. And Lexie would be there, maybe in the kitchen, maybe up in the attic. It didn't matter. Meredith would simply be happy to see her.

She turned a corner and finally spotted the door to the locker room. There was no one around, so she made a run for it before she could get caught by another one of her colleagues. Besides, it was late and she was tired. And Derek… poor Derek was expecting her soon. He'd been so sweet lately, working so hard to make her life easier, even as he coped with her various mood swings. She decided she'd call him, ask him if he wanted her to pick up dessert. There was a little place they both loved a few blocks away. It would only take a second to slide in there and grab two pieces of freshly baked pie. Maybe she'd even grab one for Zola.

Meredith entered the locker room quietly, wondering if she'd left her phone in her jacket. She'd had a habit of losing it lately… which reminded her that she needed to back it up soon. There were a lot of precious pictures on there and…

Meredith glanced up, then suddenly froze. Her phone was forgotten, as were all the other things swirling around in her mind.

Because now, there it was. That box, the one she'd emptied and tossed in the corner, it was back. It was sitting on the bench. And this time it was full.

Meredith blinked, horrified at the image in front of her. Lexie's jacket, her shoes, her photos, all of her things were hidden away, encased in cardboard, ready to be sent off to god-knows-where. And behind that, standing next to a now empty locker, was the one person Meredith hadn't expected to see.

She sucked in her breath.

"Hello Meredith."

Her father managed a smile.

"I was hoping I'd find you here."

Meredith caught herself in the doorway as Thatcher picked up the box, balancing it carefully under one arm.

And just like that, the rollercoaster started all over again.

* * *

**Thanks again for reading. I hope you liked this chapter. It was a tricky one to write, but I've always enjoyed Christina and Meredith's relationship. Next up, more flashbacks! And please review if you can. I need some cheering up after that recap of 9x02. **


	12. Chapter 12

**Just wanted to give a quick shout out to all the folks who've been reviewing this story. You have no idea how excited I get when I read your comments. I always remember them when I'm banging my head against a wall, trying to edit one of these chapters. So thanks again for letting me know what you think!**

* * *

**Chapter Twelve**

_"Lexie's your family." -Derek Shepherd_

* * *

Meredith Grey stared up at the ceiling.

Her hands were folded across her stomach. And now she pulled up her feet, still trying to get comfortable on the couch she was laying on. She didn't want to seem jittery, not in front of her doctor, but she felt like she was crawling out of her skin. She was still thinking about the previous evening, that awkward encounter she'd had with her father... And that image… that image of him leaving with a box packed full of Lexie's belongings.

He'd basically taken her out of this hospital. And Meredith hadn't done a thing to stop him.

Dr. Wyatt cleared her throat. Already, they'd spent two minutes in silence as Meredith scowled at nothing in particular. But now, like it or not, it was time to begin.

"So," Dr. Wyatt decided to jump right in. She was perched on the edge of her chair. The dreaded notebook was just within reach.

"Are you ready to talk about the accident yet?"

Meredith pursed her lips. The plane crash. Of course, she'd lead off with the plane crash.

Why was everyone so damn curious about it? Did they really want to know about the blood and the smell of jet fuel and that freezing cold night spent out in the forest? Maybe they should try living it, Meredith thought bitterly.

_Live through it and then we'll see how much you want to discuss it…_

"It wasn't an accident," she said finally, wishing she had skipped this appointment. She could've been in surgery, hiding herself in all of that medicine. But instead she was here, having to explain.

"An engine failed."

"And that's not an accident?"

"A maintenance guy missed something and we fell out of the sky," Meredith tried hard not to remember that part. "If that maintenance guy hadn't missed something, we would have landed in Boise. And then we would have come home, all of us."

Dr. Wyatt started to speak again, but Meredith held up her hand.

"And no, I don't want to talk about it."

"Fine."

Dr. Wyatt had learned to be patient with her. She could push of course, she needed to push. But at some point she'd risk Meredith withdrawing completely. And the plane crash was obviously a very sore spot, a raw nerve that wasn't yet ready to be poked and prodded.

"What would you like to talk about then?" Dr. Wyatt asked. "I get the sense that something specific is bothering you today."

Something other than the crash and Lexie's death and her still strained relationship with her husband...

Meredith thought about it, weighed the pros and cons of getting into her latest mess. But maybe it was worth it, maybe it would keep them out of the forest for a little while longer.

"Fine." She sat up suddenly, swinging her legs over the side of the couch. "Let's talk about my father."

"Your father?"

"Yes, my dad. He showed up last night." Meredith spilled the information before she could stop herself. But as that statement played back in her head, it sounded all wrong. "Thatcher," she corrected. "Lexie's dad."

Dr. Wyatt let her word choice pass, simply happy to be talking at least.

"So, he showed up at your house?"

"No, he showed up here," Meredith clarified. "Which is actually worse. And then he took the stuff from Lexie's locker, which is just so... it's just so wrong. I mean if you knew..."

She shook her head, picturing that stupid box.

"If you knew what he'd done to my sister..."

She wondered if Dr. Wyatt would ask about that. But she seemed more interested in her patient, in Meredith's reaction to her father's arrival.

"Did you two talk?"

"No, we don't talk," Meredith could easily answer that question. "We haven't talked in months."

She couldn't even remember the last time she'd had a conversation with Thatcher. And now, without Lexie, her urge to see him had disappeared completely. He was just another reminder of what they had lost.

"I mean I know he's in pain." That was the only thing Meredith could actually relate to. "I get that. But I'm not gonna be the shoulder he cries on. I don't owe him that."

"You two didn't talk at your sister's funeral?"

"No."

"Not at all?" Dr. Wyatt hesitated, unable to hide her surprise. "Not even about Lexie?"

"Not really."

Only then did Meredith realize how this must have looked, her refusal to speak to her father, especially at Lexie's memorial service. They had shared the same tragedy. But honestly, he'd been the last person she'd wanted to see that day.

"He was with Molly." She'd used that as an excuse to keep her distance, told Derek she didn't want to intrude on their grief. "Lexie's little sister. She was there with him."

"But isn't Molly your sister as well?" Dr. Wyatt posed the question carefully. "I mean blood wise, she's your sister just as much as Lexie was."

"No."

Meredith could see the turn this had taken. And she didn't like it one bit.

"No, Molly is _not_ my sister."

"Didn't you say the same thing about Lexie?"

Meredith inhaled sharply. She knew she had to let that one roll off her back. Dr. Wyatt was trying to make her uncomfortable. That was sort of the point, to go into the deep, dark recesses of Meredith's mind. She didn't want to talk about the plane crash, fine. They could talk about Lexie and their shared relatives instead. After all, Meredith was the one who kept bringing this stuff up. But that didn't make these discussions any easier.

"Look, Lexie dropped into my life five years ago." She eyed her doctor warily, hating to go over all this again. But it needed to be said.

"I was in a totally different place back then. Things were on and off with Derek, and we had just become residents. Lexie was Christina's intern, her mother had just died and it was all really weird and _really_ messy."

"Because you didn't want her…"

Meredith tried to hold back her anger, but it was getting harder.

"You really like bringing that up, don't you?" she bristled. Somehow, she'd known that those early sessions would come back to haunt her. What was that thing people said?

_The truth hurts..._

And it hurt badly, worse than Meredith had ever thought possible.

"You're right," she said finally. "I was a crappy sister to Lexie, I really was. I made a lot of mistakes with her. But that doesn't change the fact that she was my family. And Molly is not."

"You're sure about that?"

"Damn right, I'm sure."

"Okay fine." Dr. Wyatt folded her hands. "But let's just think about this for a moment. Just go with me here."

She leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees. Meredith immediately tensed. She knew that posture. Her therapist always adopted it when she was about to say something Meredith didn't want to hear.

"Only a few short years ago, Lexie came into your life. And you spent months trying to push her right back out again."

Meredith's guess had been spot on. She didn't want to hear this.

"But then things eventually changed," Dr. Wyatt continued. "You grew to like Lexie, you even grew to love her. Isn't it possible the same thing could happen with Molly... or even your father?"

_No, it's not possible…_ Meredith wanted to yell that from the rooftops. But Dr. Wyatt wasn't going to give her the chance.

"Or maybe you're afraid," Her therapist raised her eyebrows, clearly baiting her patient. "Afraid that you'll screw up these relationships too."

Meredith crossed her arms. It was hard not to be defensive after a statement like that.

"I'm not afraid."

She put a little more force into her voice.

"There's no reason to be afraid. I can't screw up my relationship with my father, because guess what? It's _already _screwed up. A couple years seeing him on and off, that doesn't make up for the decades he was gone. And as for Molly..." she softened her stance a little, not wanting to sound like a total jerk. "Maybe she's nice. She could be the nicest person in the world. But it wouldn't matter. The timing's just not right."

Dr. Wyatt smoothed a page in her notebook.

"Some people think you should be around family at a time like this."

Meredith's fingernails dug into her arms. There was that word again. _Family._ She wasn't going to let her therapist sneak that one past her.

"But, I already told you, Molly's not family. And Thatcher Grey is _definitely_ not family."

"They share your name and they share your blood," Dr. Wyatt reminded her. "Just like Lexie did."

"That's ridiculous." Meredith was getting increasingly irritated with this line of discussion. "That comparison is totally, totally ridiculous."

Lexie had wanted a place in her life. She'd earned it, with all the crap she'd been put through. She'd earned the right to be Meredith's sister, her one and only sister.

"I'm not just going to trade Lexie in. Not for them and not for any other long lost relatives who happens to show up."

"Who said anything about trading her in?"

Meredith's only response was to set her jaw and glare at her doctor.

The woman had to know that Lexie was different, that Lexie was special. And that there was no way, no way whatsoever that Molly or anyone else could ever replace her. And so if this was a test to get Meredith to admit to that, then congrats because Dr. Wyatt had won. But Meredith wasn't going to let her win easily.

"You want to know about Molly?"

Meredith abruptly shot to her feet, catching her doctor completely off guard.

"Fine, I'll tell you all about Molly, everything I've learned in the last five years, which isn't much, because unlike Lexie, she never wanted to know me. And quite honestly, I never wanted to know her. It was mutual, so let's not pretend that this is all just on me."

Meredith was sure that Lexie had tried. She'd worked hard to pull all the pieces of her broken family together. But this wasn't some fairytale. Meredith had chosen her, and only her, to be close to. And Molly, and even their father, hadn't protested much.

"Until recently Molly lived in Bahrain," Meredith poured out the story the best that she could. "She saw Lexie maybe once a year. And she loved her, obviously she loved her. But she never once helped out with their father, even after she realized what was happening, even after she discovered that he was a drunk who made Lexie's life miserable. And she sure as hell never came here to visit. Lexie's funeral was the first time she'd been back since their mother died."

Meredith had easily spotted her at the service. She'd been sobbing into her husband's shoulder, crying as if she might die right there too. And Meredith had hated her for it. It wasn't fair, but it was how she had felt at the time... how she still felt in fact.

"And as for my _father_…" She emphasized that last word, knowing that Dr. Wyatt would want to hear it loud and clear. "I'm sure he loved Lexie. Hell, I'm sure he loves me. But when I saw him yesterday, the only thing he could say, the _only_ thing he wanted to talk about, was Lexie's stuff, all of the stuff I still have at my house. He didn't ask for it, he just wanted to know when he could come over and get it, like I'd just pack up her entire life all over again."

"Her entire life?"

"Yes, Dr. Wyatt, her entire life!" Meredith stood in the middle of the room, practically yelling now. "I have all of Lexie's stuff crammed in my attic. Because at one point he basically threw her away."

"Out of his life and straight into yours."

It was one of those comments that stopped Meredith short.

She froze, her mind going blank until she suddenly recalled why she came to this therapist, why she kept returning over and over again. Somehow, even through Meredith's ramblings and wild emotional swings, Dr. Wyatt always found the truth. She always uncovered the real issue, the one that was eating away at her patient.

"So, do you want to tell me how that happened?" she asked, gesturing towards the couch again.

Meredith wasn't quite sure what to say. She was still too surprised by where they had landed. Maybe she'd talked herself straight into this moment. Maybe she'd actually done it on purpose, because for the last twelve hours, ever since she'd laid eyes on her father, she'd thought of nothing else but that party, about the night she'd watched her sister's life get dumped out in front of her…

She shot one last look at Dr. Wyatt, wishing that the road to this point had been a little less bumpy. But sometimes her therapist worked in mysterious ways. Meredith would simply have to accept that.

And so finally, she lowered herself back to the couch. It was time to tell this story from the very beginning.

* * *

"How in the hell did I let you talk me into this?"

Meredith turned to glare at Izzie Stephens. They were huddled together in a corner of George and Lexie's new craptastic apartment, trying to go unnoticed as yet another group of interns walked through the door. Meredith shuddered. They were laughing, carrying their bottles of wine and six packs of beer. They hadn't even bothered to bring real alcohol.

"You didn't tell me they'd invited the preschoolers."

"I didn't know," Izzie whispered.

Meredith was suddenly very happy she'd visited Joe's before coming over. With Izzie driving, it had seemed like the wise thing to do.

Another group of interns arrived, smiling, fist bumping…

"George just said 'house-warming party.'" Izzie had been sucked in by his sweet little smile. And then Meredith had gone and gotten sucked in by Izzie. "I was trying to be supportive."

_Oh god…_

Meredith glanced around the tiny apartment. It was cute enough and she knew she should stay, for George at least... and Lexie too. But the idea of chatting up dorky interns for the rest of the night... it made her die just a little inside-and that was _after _she'd had a couple of shots. If she didn't find a way to bail soon, she'd be trapped with these people, stuck listening to their various dramas as they got tipsy on cheap drinks. Plus, Lexie was cooking an actual meal. Once dinner was on the table, it was all over. She'd be cut off from the world, her happy buzz from Joe's fading fast.

Already her mind was scrambling for excuses to leave. Maybe Alex could call and say the house was on fire… but no, that wouldn't work, because to her surprise and horror, Alex Karev had just walked through the door.

He spotted them instantly and made his way over, gleefully holding up a bottle of vodka. Meredith sighed. At least that was something.

"What are you doing here?" Izzie was even more shocked by his sudden arrival. "I specifically told you _not_ to come. You're just gonna get drunk and make fun of George. And then it'll get all awkward and weird, just like our last party."

"First of all, I don't need to get drunk to make fun of O'Malley," Alex reminded her, already sporting a nice buzz himself. "And second of all, I just saw Yang hopping out of a cab, so maybe _I'm _not the one you should be worried about."

"What?" Meredith's mouth dropped open.

Christina had been with them at Joe's, but she'd never imagined, in a million years, that her friend would join them here. Meredith looked over at the huge table George had set up by the wall. Lexie had even put out little place settings. It was all rather adorable. And Christina would make them pay for it.

"Christina can't come to this," Meredith automatically reached for her phone, wondering if she could stop this disaster. "This is_ so _not her thing."

"Too late now." Alex nodded towards the door. "Speak of the devil."

Meredith turned just as Christina walked in. She was momentarily distracted by the two lovely bottles of tequila she carried, one in each hand. But Meredith knew that wouldn't be enough to get them through this, not nearly enough.

"This is gonna be bad," she warned her friends quietly. "This is gonna be really, really bad."

"Maybe not." Izzie was trying to think positive. It was a spectacularly misguided approach in this situation, but Meredith let her go with it anyway.

"It could be fine. I mean we're outside the hospital. There's alcohol, there's music. We're having fun-"

"Who's having fun?" Meredith had to cut her off there.

"We are!" Izzie snapped, unimpressed with her sarcasm. She seemed absolutely determined to make this night work. "We are going to have fun. We are going to drink and talk to our idiot interns and Christina is going to be friendly."

"Dude." Alex laughed as he cracked open his bottle. "Good luck with that."

Izzie shot him a nasty look, one she'd been perfecting since the day she had met him. But that lasted only a split second. She dropped it as soon as Christina approached.

"Hiiii!" Izzie switched on the charm causing Meredith to shake her head just a little. "We didn't expect to see you here. This didn't really seem like your kind of party."

A smile played across Christina's lips. She slid off her jacket then tossed it at the nearest passerby. Poor Intern One took it full in the face.

"Bambi and Three just moved in together." She put a hand on Izzie's shoulder, as if she was breaking the best news in the world. "And then they invited all their weird friends. This isn't something you miss… ever."

"Christina..." Meredith frowned at her, but Christina was feeling absolutely no shame tonight.

"Oh come on," she protested, gesturing out at the crowd. "It's like a once in a lifetime opportunity to mock freely. You get to show up, eat dinner and practice your ridicule."

Alex tipped his bottle in mock salute.

"Welcome to the freak show."

Izzie's smile was already fading and after a second it vanished completely. It was obvious that the interns were in trouble here. Both Alex and Christina were sizing them up like lions ready for the kill. Now all Izzie could hope to do was mitigate the damage.

"You two," she pointed at them, her exasperation on full display. "You are not allowed to ruin this for George."

"What about Three?" Christina opened the tequila then clinked bottles with Alex. Meredith could feel her headache beginning.

"Can we ruin it for Three instead?"

"No, you cannot," Izzie held firm. "You already promised Meredith you wouldn't torture her anymore."

"Maybe not at the hospital," she conceded. "But George allowed me into their home. It's like a vampire movie. Once you're invited inside, the innocents are totally fair game."

Christina took a swig of tequila, keeping a watchful eye out for weaklings. Poor Izzie looked like she was ready to hurl. This definitely wasn't the evening that she had envisioned.

"We are screwed," she hissed into Meredith's ear. "We are so totally screwed."

Meredith nodded slowly, thankful that those shots were still swirling around in her system. Izzie wasn't wrong. They were totally, totally screwed.

With Alex and Christina here, this had just gone from a dinner party to a ridiculous circus. The interns were performing and they didn't even know it yet. And Alex and Christina were the heckling spectators.

Meredith grabbed the bottle from Christina and lifted it to her lips. This was gonna be a long night for all of them. Her window of escape had certainly closed, so now she'd have to find a way to amuse herself. There had to be something… Meredith glanced around the apartment. Some activity… or perhaps an extra liquor cabinet that George had brought over. But as Meredith took in the space, she began to get a nagging sense of déjà vu.

"Does something about this place seem familiar?"

She looked over at Izzie. She couldn't quite put her finger on why, but she felt weirdly at home here. She tilted her head, trying to get a better view of the fruitbowl.

"Is that a bed pan?" It was sitting on the table, filled with oranges and bananas. Meredith blinked. "That's a bed pan, right?"

"Hell yeah, it's a bed pan." Alex laughed in realization. He downed some more vodka then wiped his face with the back of his arm. "And that's a painting from the hospital lounge." He motioned towards the wall. "And I'm pretty sure that's a surgical lamp over there in the corner."

"Oh my god," Christina's face filled with inexplicable joy. "Your sister's a klepto."

She was right.

Meredith surveyed the room again, taking in each object with a fresh set of eyes. Christina was right.

Everywhere she turned, she saw another piece of their hospital. The curtains, the decorations, hell even the furniture had all been magically transported to this otherwise grungy apartment. No way George would have gone to that bother. This had to be Lexie's doing.

Meredith should have known. Her mother was a cheater, her father was an absentee dad and now her sister was a klepto...

Way to go, Grey family.

"Well..." Izzie mumbled. "At least we know Lexie has another skill set."

Indeed.

Meredith upended the tequila bottle, pouring the alcohol straight down her throat.

_Indeed..._

"Mer, maybe you should slow down a little." Izzie raised an eyebrow, her concern evident. "I'm already dealing with two drunken idiots, please don't make me-"

"Oh my god!"

Izzie sighed as Christina shouted right over her. She was pounding on Alex's shoulder, Lexie's thievery all but forgotten.

"Oh my god! Oh my god!"

"Dude, what?" Alex tried to shrug her off, but Christina grabbed his head, twisting it so he could follow her gaze.

"They're doing karaoke!"

_Karaoke?_

Meredith quickly lowered the bottle.

And that's when she saw it, sweet little George, standing by the far wall, helping Steve set up a TV. Christina looked like she might die of happiness. If she did, then Alex wouldn't be far behind her.

"Come on!" She took his arm then stole the open bottle back from Meredith. "We gotta make sure they get that thing up and running."

The two retreated into the crowd, handing out hi-fives as they passed their own interns. Meredith threw a sideways glance at Izzie. Her eyes were wide, as if she'd just witnessed some terrible miracle.

"You've gotta be kidding me," she muttered under her breath. "They don't even like each other."

No, they usually didn't. But tonight, Christina and Alex were the perfect tag team. The robot and the evil spawn... Meredith grabbed the second bottle of tequila. What a buddy film that would be...

"Holy crap!"

Meredith nearly dropped the bottle as Lexie's shriek pulled her right out of her thoughts. She spun around and immediately saw what the problem was. Her sister was standing in front of an oven, an oven that was probably older than she was. Smoke was pouring out of it. And here came the flames.

"Holy crap! Holy freakin' crap!" Izzie repeated her sentiment, then rushed forward just as the other guests scattered. "Where the hell's the fire extinguisher?"

For one terrible second, Meredith thought they were in for an epic catastrophe. After all, what were the chances that Lexie had snagged a fire extinguisher? But apparently her little sister was an even better klepto than they had imagined, because already she was pointing to a nearby cabinet.

"There!" Lexie spat out the only word currently in her vocabulary. "There, there!"

Izzie kneeled down and hurriedly threw open the cabinet door, digging around until she found the red canister. But just as she got to her feet, Alex appeared.

"I got this!" He nudged her aside then ripped the fire extinguisher out of her hands. It was the typical guy response, chivalrous and insulting all at the same time.

"Are you kidding me?" Izzie tried to reach around him. "For godsake, I can put out a fire!"

"Shut up, I got this."

"Alex!"

"Would you shut up a second?"

Alex was still struggling to dislodge the pin, pushing Izzie's patience to the absolute brink.

"Alex, I swear to god, if you don't give me that fire extinguisher!"

"Just hold on, dammit!"

The smoke alarms began screeching, one more sound in all of that chaos.

_We're gonna die..._ Meredith thought. _We're gonna die in a tenement apartment with all of our interns._

She knew she should move, grab her friends and head for the exit. But she was weirdly entranced by the scene right in front of her. Alex cursing as he tried to play rescuer... George shoving his way forward through the sea of interns... And Lexie, poor distracted Lexie, she was scooping ingredients off the counter, in a desperate attempt to save some of their food.

"Ah-ha!" Alex finally got a hold of the pin just as George yanked Lexie away. "No, wait!" she cried. "Our dinner!"

But Alex was already charging the oven, like a firefighter ready for his close up. He aimed the nozzle at the rapidly expanding flames.

Here it was, his big moment.

"Clear!"

He yelled with all the authority he could muster then closed his eyes and squeezed the lever. Immediately a white cloud shot out, engulfing the flames, the oven, half of the kitchen… and whatever had been left of their meal.

Meredith took another sip of tequila.

_And now we're gonna go hungry…_

The interns stood there in stunned silence, every bit as useful in a fire emergency as they were in a medical one. Thankfully, Izzie had opened a window. The smoke began to seep out, the alarm gradually died. And then, slowly but surely, another sound filled the room. Yep... Meredith sighed. It was Christina.

Christina was laughing.

"I love this party!"

Meredith couldn't remember what she'd been drinking at Joe's but the alcohol had definitely taken effect. Christina held up her hands, mimicking Alex.

"Clear!"

There were tears in her eyes. George opened his mouth as if he might scold her, but then he closed it again, too stunned to say anything. Christina quickly filled in the silence.

"Oh come on, it was funny!"

No one else was laughing, but Meredith had to admit, this was a hell of a way to start things off. A housewarming party where you nearly burned down the house... A couple of guests had tried to bail out the window. A few had raced out the door and into the night... It could only go downhill from here.

As it was, Christina was already bored, Meredith could tell. She was glancing around, trying to decide what to do next. The interns had begun to disperse and she certainly didn't want any more of them leaving.

"Let's go, Two." She snapped her fingers at Intern Steve, pulling him towards the karaoke machine. "That thing's not gonna set itself up!"

Their dinner was ruined, the apartment had nearly gone up in flames, but Christina didn't care. She just wanted a chance to make fun of her interns. Meredith could sort of see the appeal, but still… her timing and location needed some work.

"I can't believe this," George finally found his voice as he turned back to his friends. "Who even invited her?"

"Wasn't me," Izzie muttered.

"Wasn't me either." Alex turned his smirk on Meredith.

Crap… Meredith knew what came next. Within ten seconds everyone's eyes were on her. Aw… the accusatory stare. She hugged her bottle of tequila, trying not to appear guilty. It wasn't her fault that Christina had seen Izzie's email. And it sure as hell wasn't her fault that they'd decided to set up a karaoke machine.

"It doesn't matter now anyway," Lexie unintentionally came to her rescue. She was staring at the charbroiled mess in the oven, completely dejected. "That was the main course."

Gradually, she straightened only to catch sight of her poor little salad. It was covered in fire retardant... as were the veggies and appetizers and everything else she'd been preparing.

"Now all we have left is bread." She cast a pitiful glance at her roommate. "Bread-George. That's like-that's like prison food!"

But George didn't seem to care about his guests or their meal. His eyes were fixated on Lexie's right hand. She was holding it awkwardly, her fist pulled up into her sleeve.

"Did you burn yourself?"

"No." Her response came just a little too fast. At this point, everyone knew she was lying. The color rushing to her cheeks didn't help matters either. "It's fine," she tried again to convince him. "It'll be fine, really."

"Let me see."

"George, no-" Lexie flinched as he moved in to examine it. She pulled her arm away, hiding it between her back and the counter. "It's fine, I swear. It's not a big deal."

"Then show it to me." He stood in front of her, patiently waiting. "Show it to me and then I'll believe you."

Meredith stepped in closer as Lexie grudgingly produced her hand. Even Alex wanted a peek now. George carefully rolled up her sleeve and sure enough, there it was... Lexie had an ugly, red burn crisscrossing her palm. She bit her lip then hastily closed her fingers around it.

"Lexie..." George looked up at her with concern.

"I just, I thought I could get the oven door closed." Lexie stumbled along, embarrassed by all the attention. "I saw the smoke when I opened it, and then the stupid thing just burst into flames. I mean, I was just checking it, checking to see if our meal was done, which it clearly is now and-ow!"

Lexie yelped as George forced her fingers back open. It was sort of sweet, Meredith realized, to watch him take care of her. It was sweet and maybe a tad disconcerting. Somehow her friends had become Lexie's friends too.

"Come on."

George gently took the girl's wrist and walked her over to the sink. Izzie already had the faucet going and Lexie started hopping up and down as they placed her still sizzling skin under the cool tap water.

"Seriously," Alex leaned in towards Meredith. "Your sister's like a walking disaster."

His superman act was long since forgotten. The vodka and whatever other beverages he'd started the night with, were reaching his brain, transforming him into a snickering jerk.

"Must run in the gene pool..."

"Don't be an ass." Meredith knew full well that he was trying to provoke her. Even after all this time, her relationship with Lexie was still a sensitive subject. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh come on," he scoffed. "Tell me you don't see the resemblance. The frantic hand gestures, the kitchen fires-"

"That happened once," she protested.

"The freak outs." A grin appeared on his face. "You two are good at the freak outs. Your eyes get all wide and crazy-"

"You're so full of crap."

Meredith watched Lexie behind him, jumping around like a hurt puppy. She felt sympathy yes, but still, she couldn't find the connection. They had absolutely nothing in common, except the hospital… and an increasing number of friends.

"Dude, I'm telling you, it's obvious. That girl is totally related to you. Hell, she's practically living your life."

"You're drunk." Meredith scowled as he continued to needle her. "So maybe you should just finish your vodka and shut the hell up."

"Yes please." Izzie suddenly appeared. She didn't seem particularly happy with either of them. Her expression was a mixture of anger and utter disappointment. "I can't believe you guys, honestly." She turned her gaze on Meredith. "I really thought _you _wouldbe better at least."

"What did I do?" Meredith caught herself whining like a petulant child.

"Nothing," Izzie gave an exaggerated shrug, as if she'd expected this all along. "I asked you here because I thought it'd be fun. I thought we could come support George, just the two of us... But now Christina's here and she's being awful. And your sister, she's upset. Alex is being his usual asshole self-" She shot him her second dirty look of the night, then went right back to Meredith. "And you-you've done absolutely nothing to help... so thanks for that."

Before Meredith could even respond, Izzie shoved her way past, making sure to throw an extra elbow at Alex. They could hear her rustling around in the bathroom, grabbing various supplies, slamming cabinet doors in frustration.

Meredith knew she should think of some snappy remark, something to say when Izzie passed by again. But nothing came to mind. And so she simply watched as her friend emerged, juggling a huge roll of gauze and three kinds of ointment. Meredith narrowed her eyes. Lexie had definitely covered her bases when she'd ransacked the hospital...

If only she'd hit the cafeteria too…

"What are we going to eat?"

Their sad little thief was still fidgeting by the sink. Meredith could see the guests growing inpatient. Apparently, the reality of the situation had finally dawned on them. They'd just watched their dinner get burnt to a crisp.

"George, we didn't buy anything else. The fridge is literally empty." Lexie was unraveling fast. "The milk's gone, all the vegetables are gone. Seriously everything,_ everything _I bought yesterdayis gone. So unless we want to serve them top ramen-"

"I vote no on that."

Alex raised his hand. Meredith reached over to swat it back down, but her reflexes were slightly delayed. She needn't have bothered anyway. Poor Lexie had already seen him.

"I can't believe this," she stammered. "I just-I can't believe this."

"Here it comes," Alex smiled, proud of himself for egging her on. "She's gonna lose it."

Meredith pursed her lips in dismay. Unfortunately for all of them, Alex was correct. The wide-eyed freak out was about to begin. Meredith knew all the signs… She did a silent countdown in her head.

_And in five, four, three, two… _

"You were right."

As if on cue, Lexie whirled around to face George. Her words were coming out faster and faster now.

"You were totally right. This apartment, it sucks. And we, we really suck. We suck for being stupid enough to rent it. And we suck for trying to throw this ridiculous party. But I suck most of all, because I'm the one who talked you into it, all of it."

"Lexie, it's fine," George was trying his best to convince her. And then there were the others… He looked out at their gathering friends, giving them a nervous smile. "We've got this handled. It's fine everyone!"

The interns, dopey kids that they were, instantly believed him. But Meredith certainly didn't. And Lexie didn't either.

"George, we need food!" she whispered. Izzie had started to tend to her burn, but Lexie's focus remained solely on her roommate. "We need food right now, because we're gonna have to work with these people tomorrow-"

"It's okay." George used a soothing tone, hoping to calm her shattered nerves. Meredith had to hand it to him. No matter how close Lexie got to the edge of the cliff, he kept trying to pull her back. "It's no big deal, I promise."

"Sure for you!" She almost laughed at how well he was taking this. "But me, I'm Meredith Grey's little sister, I'm the intern who got taken out by a patient and had to stay at the hospital. I can't be the person who invited twenty friends over to her apartment, nearly burned it down, then didn't even feed them!"

She pointed out at the crowd, yanking her hand away just as Izzie was beginning to wrap it. Now the gauze was flying everywhere, following Lexie's increasingly frantic hand gestures. Alex actually started to giggle. Meredith sighed and took another sip of tequila.

"Jeez, would you chill?" Izzie's supposedly awesome patient skills apparently stopped at the hospital doors. She grabbed Lexie's wrist again, barely batting an eye as the girl winced in pain.

"This right here, you freaking out, that's what they're gonna remember. Not the food, not the fire, just you."

"Izzie," George attempted to intervene, but Izzie just shook her head.

"No, if she wants to be the weird, crazy intern people talk about for all the wrong reasons, then let her be."

"Here, here." Alex held up his bottle.

Izzie gave him a withering glare.

"You, can shut your mouth and you-" She glanced up at Lexie, taking a deep breath as she gathered herself. If anyone had been in this position before, laughed at, underestimated and called out for all of her mistakes... it was Izzie Stephens.

"You need to stop worrying what the rest of them think." She motioned at the misfit crowd. "They're freaking interns."

"I'm an intern," Lexie said pathetically. "I'm a freaking intern!"

"Yeah, but I'm not and neither is she." Izzie nodded at Meredith. "And god help us, neither is Alex. And we're gonna fix this, okay? So just calm the hell down."

The tequila had started to take effect, but Meredith still caught that last part, the part where they were supposed to help Lexie.

"Wait a minute, what?"

She didn't want to be a total brat, but she hadn't even wanted to come to this party. And she sure as hell had never signed up to save it.

"I don't cook." She gave Izzie a pointed look. "I don't cook-at all."

"She doesn't," Alex was oh-so-quick to agree. "You might as well take a blow torch to this place."

"You really can't seem to shut up, can you?" Izzie griped.

She finished bandaging Lexie's hand, then crossed over to Meredith, easily pushing Alex aside.

"Look Mer, I know that I was a little hard on you earlier," she launched into her case, before her friend could object. "But this-right now, this is your chance to redeem yourself. This is your chance to help George and Lexie and save them from this mess they're in."

Meredith could just see Lexie out of the corner of her eye. She was bent over the oven again, probably wondering what the hell had gone wrong.

"All you have to do is go to the grocery store," Izzie kept talking, afraid she might lose Meredith otherwise. "Just go buy some food, something we can throw in the microwave. And take Heckle and Jeckle with you." She gestured at Alex, then Christina. "I'm sure George will drive."

"I will," George had overheard them. "I'll drive."

"Great. And you know what? Just go ahead and forget the other two there," Izzie lowered her voice. She was apparently fed up with their mischievous friends. "Seriously, just leave them with cab money or something."

George actually seemed to like that idea. But Meredith still wasn't convinced. She knew George and Izzie were ganging up on her here. She wanted to signal Alex for help, but he was too busy making googly eyes at Lexie again. Ugh… she'd thought he'd moved past that stage. But the vodka had caused him to regress… even more.

"Come on Mer," Izzie had caught her watching her sister. "Lexie just wants a place to fit in. You don't want her hanging out with your friends, then fine. Help her make dinner for the rest of these morons. Give her that at least-"

She was interrupted by a loud blast of music. Steve had apparently accomplished his goal. The karaoke machine was alive and well, much to Christina's excitement. She stood in the middle of the crowd, her bottle of tequila lifted high in the air.

"That's what I'm talking about, Two!"

She gave Intern Steve a friendly slap on the back. The poor kid nearly collapsed.

"Please," Izzie tried again, grabbing Meredith's shoulders and shaking her gently "Just please go get food. And for the love of god, take Christina with you. It might be the nicest thing you ever do for your sister."

Meredith pressed her lips together. The alcohol was clearly working for Christina. Now she was waving Dani over, trying to push the microphone into her hands. And here came the Huey Lewis music. Huey Freakin' Lewis.

"Aw, I love this song."

Lexie was suddenly happy again, her head bobbing to the beat. She started walking towards Christina like a moth to an 80's music flame, but Izzie mercifully pulled her back.

Meredith rolled her eyes at her bouncing little sibling then finally nodded towards Alex and George.

"Alright fine," she grumbled. "We'll go get some food."

"Thank you."

Izzie sighed in relief then reached out to take the vodka from Alex. He glowered at her, but gave it up easily. When she went for the tequila however, Meredith held fast. She didn't want the interns getting their hands on it.

"Let go." Izzie gritted her teeth, still struggling to yank the bottle away. "Let it go, Mer, right now."

"Meredith!"

George quickly joined in the struggle. Alex just started laughing again. And Lexie… oh little Lexie was still trying to get to that karaoke machine. It was so tantalizingly close.

"Oh for godsake!" Izzie grabbed the back of Lexie's shirt, saving the girl from any further embarrassment. "You two are impossible."

"Which two?" Meredith bristled.

Izzie's eyes lit up. She had found the exact button she needed to press, the one that Alex had been hammering earlier.

"You and your sister." Izzie put extra emphasis on that last word, driving it right into Meredith's tequila soaked brain. "You're both impossible."

Meredith released the bottle immediately. Maybe it was the alcohol talking, but she was done with this, done being teased, done listening to all the ways she resembled her sister.

"Come on," Meredith latched onto Alex's arm then shoved him towards Christina. She didn't even bother to glance back at Izzie.

"I guess we'll buy more drinks at the store."

* * *

**Okay, so this flashback is "To Be Continued." There is a second part to it that deals with the stuff that Meredith hints at in therapy. But this chapter was already running long so I figured I'd save that scene for the next chapter. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed what was written so far. As always, let me know what you think. Your comments always put a smile on my face. :)**


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter Thirteen**

_"But when life breaks down, when we break down, there's no science, no hard and fast rules. We just have to feel our way through. And to a surgeon, there's nothing worse. And there's nothing better."-Meredith Grey_

* * *

The clouds had started to come in as they left the apartment. The night was cool and the fresh air helped clear Meredith's head. It was nice to get away from the booming music and chattering interns... not to mention the smell of smoke that lingered near the kitchen.

Yes, she was annoyed at Izzie, irritated that her friend had suckered her into this errand. But still, Meredith had to give her some credit. Izzie had stayed behind to try and salvage that train wreck. She couldn't think of anyone else who'd be up for the task. Even George seemed like he was itching to leave and never return.

"So Lexie told me not to invite you guys," he admitted without a hint of hesitation. They were heading down the sidewalk, farther and farther away from his infamous gathering. "And she was right. Totally, totally right. Mixing interns and residents-"

"Wait, she told you not to invite us?" Alex's brain was working sluggishly, but he'd finally caught on. And now he appeared downright offended.

"Maybe you shouldn't have invited the interns," he grumbled. "Leave the partying to the big kids."

"It was supposed to be a dinner." George balled his keys up in his hands. They jangled loudly as he marched on ahead of them. "A nice quiet dinner, not a drunken rave."

"Oh please," Christina laughed. "We hadn't even reached drunken, let alone rave. "

She threw her arm around George, who hurriedly wiggled out of her grasp. Meredith was starting to feel bad for him. He and Lexie, they'd moved out on their own in an effort to prove that they were adults now, people who could decorate and cook and make sound decisions. And the residents, the supposedly mature ones, had ruined the vibe in less than five minutes. The fire hadn't helped… but still, Christina and Alex had only shown up to make a mockery of it all. They'd never had any intention of being supportive. Meredith realized that she hadn't either. She'd just tagged along because Izzie was going.

"You guys are supposed to be my friends," George reminded them. Meredith threw a warning glance at the others before they could scoff at that. "You're the ones I should _want_ to invite. And you Mer," he looked straight at her. "I expected a lot more from you. Would it have killed you to smile and be just a _little_ bit friendly?"

It was as if he had stolen Izzie's patented guilt trip. But he was right, of course. She hadn't spoken to one of those interns. She wasn't even sure if she'd said hi to Lexie. And George, George had only earned a quick wave when she'd walked through the door. As a friend, Meredith had failed pretty miserably.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, suitably chastised. But Alex was already rolling his eyes.

"I'm not sorry," he muttered. "No freakin' way I'm sorry for showing up to a party that _I_ was invited to."

"Yes you are." Meredith gave him a gentle shove from behind. It was her automatic response to at least twenty five percent of the things Alex said. "And just for that, you're buying the food."

"What?" Alex snorted. He spun around to continue his argument, but his shoes slipped on the dewy grass and he was forced to grab Meredith's arm for support.

"No way," he finished lamely, still flailing around like a kid on ice skates. He nodded towards Christina as he fought to regain his balance. "Let Simon Cowell over there foot the bill."

"Who?" Meredith racked her brain to pick up the reference.

"Oh Evil Spawn..." Christina shook her head in dismay. "Now we know what you do when you're not whoring it up with nurses and interns. You're watching terrible TV." She smirked at him as he finally straightened. "Do you sing along too?"

Their partnership, forged in ridicule for their interns, had apparently come to an abrupt end. And now they were turning on each other. Thankfully, the alcohol had softened their edges and this battle wasn't nearly as bloody as their previous ones.

"Hey, at least I keep my music on the TV." Alex gave her a tight smile. Now that his feet were back under him, his sarcasm was fully restored. "I hear you've been singing to the stiffs in the morgue. I bet they really appreciate that."

"Well, at least I'm not the reason they're in the morgue in the first place," she shot at him. "Let's face it, I'm a better singer than you are a doctor."

Their squabbling continued, back and forth, back and forth as they moved down the walkway. They actually seemed to be enjoying themselves, Meredith thought. But George, he was clearly done with all of it. His arms were crossed as he struggled not to lash out at his friends. And it was a mighty struggle indeed.

"You guys are idiots," he finally spoke up, his voice strained. "And I really, really wish I had listened to Lexie."

They were turning towards the parking lot now and Meredith wondered, for a split second, if George might actually leave them there, just jump into his car and go. She certainly wouldn't blame him. Nothing sucked more than being the sober sidekick to a bunch of your drunken friends, especially when they had just screwed up your party.

"George..." She reached for his hand. At the very least, if he was going to make a run for it, she wanted to join him. She could be the good, sane friend who pitched in money for Lexie's new dinner. "George, seriously, I'm sorry about..."

She trailed off as she realized he was no longer listening. He'd paused on the curb. His eyes were fixed on some point in the distance.

"Oh crap." His face twitched. Something had caught him off guard and he'd completely forgotten his friends' silly bickering.

"What?" Meredith twisted around to see what he was staring at. It took her eyes a second to adjust to the bright street lamps above, but once they did, she instantly froze. "Oh crap."

There, across the parking lot, stood Thatcher Grey. Actually, standing probably wouldn't be the proper description. Stumbling might have been better. He was clearly drunk, arguing with some guy as he tossed boxes from a van onto the pavement.

"Dammit," George gritted his teeth. "Dammit, dammit."

"What is he doing here?" Meredith followed right along with his emotional swing. Shock first, horror second. It was a normal progression when it came to her father. "Why the hell is he here outside your apartment?"

For once, Alex and Christina had the good sense to keep their mouths shut. Neither of them wanted to wade into this quagmire. But George was already knee deep in the muck.

"That's Lexie's stuff." His horror turned to anger, keeping him right on schedule. In time would come sadness and utter defeat, but George was going to stay in this stage for a little while longer.

"He brought a bunch of boxes last week and dumped her stuff all over the parking lot." George took a breath, trying to contain his fury as Thatcher repeated the process right there in front of them. "He's pissed at her for moving out."

"No wonder you seemed like such a good roommate." Christina couldn't keep quiet any longer. She leaned over George's shoulder. "Her previous one is kind of an asshole."

_So much for staying out of this…_ Meredith bit her lip, but she knew that Christina was just being Christina. Joking was her way of taking in a seriously screwed up situation.

"Congrats." She shifted her attention to Meredith. "Apparently, you're not the only kid he treats like crap now."

"Maybe I should start a club," Meredith sighed.

Her judgment was certainly taking a beating. First, she'd acted like a jerk at the party, now this... She flashed back to that moment a few months before when she'd told Lexie how nice their father had seemed. She'd lectured the girl about taking care of him, forgetting that there was another side to the man. The supposedly sweet drunk could turn into a cruel, awful bastard with the flip of a switch.

"Lexie took his keys the last time." George shook his head then gestured at the other guy accompanying Thatcher. "So I guess now he brought friends. God, who would do that? Who would help a man toss his kid's stuff into the street?"

Alex had been standing there silently, watching the whole thing unfold. But now he pushed past George. His drunken amusement was long gone.

"Let's find out."

He stepped off the curb, his face dark, his hands shoved deep into his pockets as if he was afraid what he might do with them otherwise. Meredith knew she had to stop him somehow. She and George might be mad, but Alex seemed completely livid.

"Wait!" She tried to get a hold of his arm, but he easily dodged her. Already he was halfway across the parking lot, heading straight for the two men. "Alex, wait!"

Obviously, this was a sensitive subject. Meredith and Lexie's dad was a saint compared to the guy who'd raised Alex. But now he saw his own crappy, horrible father reflected in theirs. And that could be bad… it could be really, really bad.

"Alex, it's not worth it!" George called after them. But he still hadn't moved from his perch on the curb. Christina stood there with him, always the spectator, not wanting to get involved in another ugly family drama.

"Dude, what the hell?"

Alex approached the two men, but focused his attention mainly on Thatcher's friend. The poor guy was young, clean cut and well dressed, a sharp contrast to Thatcher who appeared to have rolled off the couch only moments ago. But Alex wasn't discriminating. He was equally furious with both of them.

"Do you know what he's doing?"

Alex pointed at the drunken idiot overturning yet another box. Meredith felt sick as a dozen or so photo albums spilled out on the grass.

"I'm sorry." Despite the cool evening, there was a sheen of sweat on the other man's face. He kept grabbing at Thatcher, trying to coax him back towards the van. "I'm just, I'm his neighbor-" He turned from Alex to Meredith. "James, James Ryerson."

"Well that's great, James," Alex spat his name out like a piece of spoiled food. "But what the hell are you doing in front of my friend's apartment?"

"I know Lexie," James said quickly. "And when her father came out, like, like this-" he nodded towards the tipsy man before them. "I couldn't let him drive. But he said she needed this stuff. She'd moved and she needed it and she didn't have a car to come pick it up. So I volunteered-" he tapped his own chest. "I'm a nice guy. I was trying to do a nice thing."

"So you let him dump her crap all over the parking lot?"

Alex raised his eyebrows in disbelief. They were currently surrounded by trophies and school art projects, photo albums and journals. All these little pieces of Lexie's life, thrown out like garbage. Meredith could feel her own anger building as she surveyed the ever-widening debris field.

"Look, I'm sorry," James said again, holding out his hands as if Alex might attack him. "I'm sorry, I tried to stop him. But he's-it's like he's possessed or something."

"Meredith!"

Crap, he'd caught sight of her.

She took a deep breath, steeling herself for the onslaught. She suddenly wished that she'd stayed at the party. Why the hell hadn't she stayed at that stupid party?

"Meredith, you tell her," Thatcher was staggering her way, like something out of a monster movie. His hair stuck out in all directions. His arms stretched towards her. "You tell Lexie not to come back, not ever!"

Alex immediately stepped in front of Meredith, pushing Thatcher with such force he nearly knocked the man over.

"Not ever!" Thatcher kept yelling, even as he stumbled back a few paces. "That's not my daughter! You, you're my daughter."

Meredith's chest tightened. Of all the things he could have said... He'd chosen the absolute worst. Who the hell did he think he was, claiming her as his own, while at the same time tossing Lexie aside? He'd already screwed up one of his children. And now, here he was trying to screw up another.

"No, I'm not. I am notyour daughter." She stepped around Alex, trying to get a better look at the man. She wanted to make sure that he heard her, even through all of that alcohol. She wanted to make sure that her message got through.

"Because you, you're nothing to me." She met his gaze easily. "You mean absolutely nothing to me."

For a second, they stood there, face to face. She could see those words working their way into his brain. And then abruptly, his expression changed. His glassy eyes widened as if he'd been slapped.

"I'm your father!"

The air around him reeked of scotch, but Meredith held her ground. She knew she had to do this, for herself and for Lexie.

"The hell you are."

"We-we have the same name." He continued on, refusing to listen. "I was there when you're born. I'm your father, Meredith Grey!"

"You are _not _my father, not now, not ever." Meredith was suddenly filled with hatred. The harder he pressed, the more she resented him for it. "And you sure as hell aren't much of a father to Lexie."

"She's, she walked out. She walked out on, on me," he slurred, pointing at Meredith. "Just like you, just like your mother. She walked out!"

"Are your kidding me?

Meredith was glad the tequila hadn't completely taken hold of her. If it had, she might just have broken that finger he kept jabbing her way. How easily he seemed to forget what had happened, to forget that his middle daughter had left a perfectly good internship to return home, to take care of him and deal with a sister she didn't even know.

"That girl came back here for you!" Meredith shouted. For once she could relate to what Lexie was going through. She'd felt that same pain and rejection time and time again.

"She came back here for you and you didn't deserve it. You don't deserve her and you don't deserve me!"

"You're a-a awful, little brat," Thatcher was weaving as he punted one of the empty boxes in her direction. Alex caught it easily.

"Dude, you need to shut up, I'm serious."

"Alex, don't," George warned him.

He could tell where this was going. Hell, they all could. Meredith was unleashing a verbal tirade, one born from years and years of neglect. But Alex had his own demons. And now, he was fighting to restrain himself as he stared Thatcher down.

"You'd better leave her alone," he managed to keep his tone measured, but the tension was building. "You'd better leave them _both_ alone."

"Oh, I guess uh, I guess you're the big man now, right?" Thatcher actually laughed at that. "Yeah, I remember you with Lexie-"

"Don't you dare," Meredith cut him off. "Don't you dare drag Alex into this."

"Why not?" Thatcher shifted his wild eyes back to her. "He's, he's the reason she left. Him. You. Turned her against me. You all turned her against me."

"We didn't have to." Meredith was practically whispering, not wanting to escalate things with Alex so close. "You did that yourself. That's your MO. You ditch me and once I finally get you out of my life, you go ahead and try to ruin my sister."

_My sister..._ Meredith heard the words as she said them, but there was no time to consider their significance. She was too busy listening to her father bash the poor girl.

"She, she looks down on me," Thatcher started muttering again. "Like a, a snotty little princess. And you, you do too. Y-you're just like Lexie," His nostrils flared as a surge of adrenaline pushed him forward. "An ungrateful bitch just like your sister!"

That was it. Alex lunged at him, grabbing Thatcher by the collar and launching him into the air.

"You shut your mouth!"

He shook Thatcher violently as the others came running.

"You better shut your mouth right now and get the hell off this street. Because if you don't, if you don't leave here in the next thirty seconds," he lowered his voice to a menacing growl. "Then they're gonna be picking up pieces of _you_."

This wasn't some idle threat. Alex's protective instinct had kicked in and that would override everything else. If pushed any farther, he could explode.

"Alex…"

Meredith slowly inched forward. His expression was murderous. She'd never really seen him like this. He'd been upset before, but now he was consumed with rage, his whole body trembling as he resisted the urge to beat the crap out of this man.

"Alex, let him go."

She wasn't even sure if her voice was registering.

"Alex, I'm serious."

But Alex couldn't seem to tear his gaze off of her father.

"You better not bother them ever again," his tone was ominous. "Not ever again, you hear me?"

Finally, he shoved Thatcher back towards his friend. James caught him easily, and for a few precious seconds the tension dissipated. But then Thatcher gathered himself. Even in the face of Alex's threats, he was ever defiant.

"Don't, don't you worry." He nodded towards Lexie's apartment as he moved in on Alex. "That girl, she's out of my house. I threw 'er out. So, now she's trash-"

"Hey!" Meredith snapped, but her father pressed forward.

"She's, she's trash." He gestured around the ground. "Just like all this stuff."

He took one more step.

"Just. Like. You."

Alex threw the punch before they could stop him.

"You jackass!"

His aim was just a little bit off, but his fist still connected with Thatcher's jaw, drawing a satisfying yelp of surprise. That only seemed to spur Alex on. He landed another punch, then another.

"You stupid, freakin' bastard!"

Meredith reached for him and now George and Christina were rushing in too, grasping at clothing and limbs, anything they could find to pull Alex off Thatcher.

"Alex, stop!" George inserted himself between the two men as Christina tugged Alex back from behind.

"You two need to go!" Meredith whirled around, searching for James. She finally spotted him a few feet away. "You need to go now."

If they didn't leave this instant, she knew that Alex would break free and attack her father all over again. It didn't matter what happened to Thatcher. Alex could beat him to a pulp for all she cared. If he got a black eye or a bloody nose, it wouldn't bother her any. But she really didn't want Alex going to jail.

"We're leaving," James said hurriedly. "We're leaving, I promise."

Even in his drunken stupor, Thatcher seemed to realize it was time to go home. He was still clutching his jaw with one hand. Now he gave Alex a wave with the other, as if he'd just won the fight.

"W-we're done here." He half-hopped, half-fell into the passenger seat then shifted his gaze back to Meredith, his eyes just as mean as ever. "We're _done_."

_Damn right we are…_

She'd be happy if she never saw him again.

"I'm sorry," James rushed around to the driver's side, totally mortified. "I'm so, so sorry."

"Just leave," George was trying to be kind, but that was a stretch even for him. "Just leave and please don't come back."

"I won't."

James slammed the door and started the engine. Clearly, he was eager to get out of there, to forget that he'd ever been a part of this nightmare. He hit the gas and made an abrupt U-turn around a parked car. Thatcher slumped against the window as they pulled away, taking the speed bumps so fast that the shocks screeched in protest. And then finally, they were out on the street, a single pair of tail lights disappearing into the darkness.

Meredith took a deep breath, waiting for the sound of the engine to fade. A minute later it was gone. And just like that, Thatcher Grey was out of her life again… and thankfully out of Lexie's life too.

Their little group stood there for a few extra seconds, trying to decide who would speak first. Meredith tilted her head back and stared up at the stars. She wasn't going to be the one to start. She honestly had no idea what to say.

"So..." Christina did the honors, her drunken glee a thing of the past. "This evening just took a depressing turn."

"Yeah, well it's not the first time." George mumbled. He regarded Meredith, his eyes filled with sadness. "I gotta say Mer, I kind of hate your father."

"I kind of do too."

Who would have thought that such a little man could do so much damage? In one fail swoop, he'd managed to shatter their evening, making all their other concerns seem incredibly petty.

"You okay?"

She looked over at Alex, yet another victim of her father's craziness. Alex's hands were still shaking from all that adrenaline, so he quickly crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he grunted. Already, his armor was coming back up. Alex could build it at lightning speed. Like her, he'd had years of training.

Meredith twisted around slowly, her eyes wandering over the scene. Lexie's items were scattered in a twenty-foot radius, sad remnants of a once happy life. It wasn't fair, she thought. Yes, she and Alex were tough. Their childhoods hadn't been easy, so they'd gradually learned to roll with the punches. They could take all of the awful things that her father could throw at them. But Lexie… life hadn't prepared Lexie for something like this.

"So what do we do with all this junk?" Alex seemed to realize it too. "I mean, we gotta get it out of here, right?"

"Call Izzie," Meredith was grateful that her buzz had worn off. They needed to come up with some sort of plan and fast. "Tell her to keep Lexie inside. In fact, don't let any of them leave. If they see this, there's no way they won't tell her."

Alex just nodded and slid his phone out of his pocket. She heard him dialing as she turned back to George.

"Can we sneak some of it into her room?"

George didn't answer. He was wandering the parking lot, retrieving Lexie's belongings. When he reached a little stuffed bear in the grass, he paused, seemingly overwhelmed.

"George," Meredith tried again, knowing they didn't have time for his ruminations. "Can we hide any of this in Lexie's room?"

"Her room's still full from the last time." He gradually headed back in their direction, picking up a box along the way. "But we can't let her see this stuff too. I don't think she could take it."

"Yeah well, she shouldn't have to," Christina muttered. Even she was appalled by what she'd just witnessed. "No one should have to deal with this crap."

Apparently Alex agreed with her, because now the two of them had joined in the clean up. They each started scooping up items, handling each one as it was precious. It was truly surreal, watching her friends help out Lexie, and Meredith was left to wonder, once again, how this had happened. What weird turn had allowed her to not only have a sister, but to have one that had become so easily embedded in her life?

"What a mess." She was surprised by how much she felt for Lexie. "What a stupid, awful mess."

"Yeah, we get that," Christina lifted a stack of binders. She found a box and dropped them inside. "But seriously, what are we going to do with this stuff?"

"We can't let her see it, Mer," George repeated his earlier appeal. He knew better than anyone how crushed his roommate would be. "We gotta figure out something."

"I know."

In all honesty, the answer had already come to her. Meredith just hated to say it. Somehow it seemed as if she was sealing her fate, crossing over that big, black line she had drawn between herself and Lexie. Still... it had to be done. She was hard on the girl, yes, but Meredith wasn't cruel. She'd felt the sting of her father's actions many, many times. And Lexie clearly had as well. She'd dealt with his anger, his abuse, his horrible comments. And now it was time to give her a break.

It was easy enough. They could pretend as if this night never happened. They could bury the truth, erase it from their memories, make sure all this stuff was protected, hidden… Meredith could do that just this once, for her little sister.

"We'll pack it up." She glanced over at her friends then picked up a box. This felt right... scary, but right.

"We'll pack it up and we'll take it to my house."

* * *

Meredith Grey was digging through boxes.

She was sitting on the floor of her attic, totally surrounded, wondering how on earth she'd ever sort through them all. There were so many crammed into this one little room. And still... still the place felt empty somehow.

"So what did your shrink say?" Christina sat a few feet away, in her own city of cardboard. "Are you keeping this stuff or handing it over?"

Meredith pursed her lips, thinking back to her session with Dr. Wyatt. At least it had ended without any tears. The anger had eventually faded as well, leaving her feeling... well just about as empty as this room currently seemed.

"She said it was up to me," Meredith eventually answered. "But she told me to take some time to decide."

"It's up to you?" Christina wrinkled her nose. "I could have told you that. What's the point of having a shrink if that's the answer they're gonna give you?"

"Maybe I don't need an answer," Meredith had considered her doctor's words carefully. "I just… I don't know. I guess it's just good to talk to somebody on the outside, somebody who wasn't there when all this crap happened. Does that even make sense?"

Christina placed a hand on her arm, as if ready with a comforting gesture.

"Very rarely do you make sense to me."

Meredith pretended to scowl. She was glad that Christina had agreed to come over. This… sifting through all of Lexie's belongings… it wasn't going to be easy. She needed to do it, of course. Eventually she'd have to give their dad something beyond what he'd taken from that locker. Plus, her sister's boxes nearly outnumbered her own.

"How did you even end up with all these?" Christina seemed to be reading her mind. She hauled out a series of dusty medical books then wiped them off with her sleeve. "Seriously Mer, this is a lot of stuff. If you let Lexie bring all this junk with her, then you are a far nicer person than I ever imagined."

"Most of it was here before she moved in." Meredith took the books from her friend and set them aside. At least those could go to the medical library. "My lovely father dumped another six boxes the week after the party."

Meredith could still remember George calling her. Lexie had been beside herself, in tears that her father could do such a thing... again. And she didn't even know about the night of her housewarming.

"Not really winning any parenting awards is he?" Christina was disgusted.

Meredith just shrugged. It was gradually dawning on her, there was a piece to this story her friend still hadn't heard yet. And now seemed as good a time as any to let her in on the secret.

"Alex and I broke into his house." The confession came easily. This was a criminal history she was actually proud of. "A few days later, we broke in and stole the rest of her stuff."

"You're kidding?" Christina's eyes widened.

She actually wasn't. The only people who had known about it were Alex, George and eventually Lexie.

"Alex picked the lock."

A smile spread across Meredith's face. She could still see him crouched beside the backdoor.

"And I held the flashlight. We were very impressive."

"Did you dress all in black?" Christina was intrigued. "Wear an awful ski mask or something?"

"Well I do own a lot of black..." Meredith admitted with a sly grin. It was sort of a joke now, the dark wardrobe that went with her formerly dark and twisty personality. "And weirdly enough, Alex did own a ski mask."

"Creepy."

"Well at first he put it on backwards, so I don't think he used it much."

"Less creepy." Christina tilted her head. "But only a little."

"We figured Lexie wasn't going home any more, so we snuck in with a bunch of empty boxes." It had been the strangest moving party ever. Two people trying their best to pack in the darkness. "I don't think Thatcher even noticed what was gone."

That part still made Meredith sad. She had always secretly hoped that her father _had_ noticed, that maybe he'd mentioned it to Lexie or that neighbor they'd run into. But she knew that was a long shot at best.

"The truth is we basically cleared the place out."

Christina glanced around, her gaze finally resting on the far wall, still hidden behind the remnants of Lexie's life.

"Obviously."

All those boxes... Some had "LEXIE" written across them. Others had smiley faces scrawled on the side. Those were the ones they'd brought home from the party. In her increasingly sleepy state, Meredith had gotten lazy and started scribbling the symbol that described Lexie best.

"This is my sister's life." Meredith regarded the boxes with renewed sadness. "This is what we have left her."

"And now your dad just wants it all back." Christina slid another box in Meredith's direction then took a smaller one for herself. "He does remember tossing it out, right?"

Meredith reached for a stack of photos. The top one showed Lexie's family on the day she'd graduated from high school. Meredith sighed, realizing that half of this smiling foursome was gone now.

"I hope so."

Thatcher had finally pulled himself back together, but he didn't deserve to forget what he'd done. He needed to remember it, to recall that, even with all of the crap he'd put her through, Lexie had forgiven him. She'd stood by him, begged for his life when he'd needed a new liver. That was the kind of daughter she'd been.

"Oh my god!"

Christina's laughter startled Meredith. She looked over at her friend who was staring into her box with a delighted expression.

"You remember these?"

Christina pulled out a pair of pajamas... the pink flannel ones, covered in cute little kittens. Meredith dropped the pictures and instantly grabbed for them. After years of washing, the fabric was worn, but still incredibly soft.

"I can't believe she still had these."

"Well apparently, she was like eight years old or something."

"Oh shut up," Meredith gently nudged her as she held the top out for further inspection. The sweet smell of Lexie's laundry detergent hung in the air. "I kinda feel like I should keep them. Is that weird?"

"No weirder then anything else you've done," Christina said bluntly. "You freaked out over an initial, remember?"

This was true. Hopefully that story hadn't made its way around the hospital yet.

"Besides, she kept them because of you." Christina's demeanor changed. She was no longer teasing, just supportive, honest. "She'd want you to have them."

Meredith knew she was right. Strangely enough, these silly pajamas were the first thing she'd ever really given her sister. They'd been a sign, albeit a tiny one, that Meredith actually cared.

"You okay?"

Christina watched as she carefully folded the pajamas then set them on the floor next to her.

"Yeah."

It was the only word Meredith could get out in that moment. Any more and she'd revert to a blubbering mess. Christina seemed to realize that, so she quickly moved the conversation along.

"You know, she gave me a Madonna CD for my birthday?"

Her friend's plan worked and Meredith's sadness gave way to confusion. There were so many things that were wrong with that sentence.

"What?"

"The first year she was here, Izzie told her when my birthday was." Christina rolled her eyes at that tiny intrusion. "And here comes Three, all proud with this CD case. She had it wrapped up, red bow and everything. I think I glared at her. I probably glared at her."

"Madonna?"

Meredith was still stuck on that part. The glaring didn't really surprise her. Even Lexie had probably expected it.

"Remember that time I started singing in the morgue?" Christina gave her a knowing look. It took Meredith a second, but then it came back to her.

"Like A Virgin," Meredith nodded. "Weird choice by the way."

"Made sense at the time..." Christina waved it off, as if that kind of thing was perfectly natural. "But Lexie was with me and her face, it was priceless, like I'd just had a mental break or something. But of course she remembered... She remembered everything."

"Yes, she did." Meredith had certainly been jealous of that. "I guess we sort of underestimated her when she first arrived."

"Maybe..."

Christina reached into a box and pulled out a little teddy bear, complete with a white lab coat and a stethoscope. Meredith merely smiled as Christina held it up.

"But honestly, how could we not?"

She'd landed on a box from Lexie's first intern year. There were notes and journals, which Meredith quickly seized. Who knew what Lexie had written about her former resident in there? And here came the thank you cards, dozens of them, given to her by grateful patients she'd met along the way. There was a dart from Joe's... and a makeshift trophy the interns had created for one of their tournaments. And pictures, lots and lots more pictures. Lexie had loved getting them printed... all those memories that she could hold onto.

Christina picked up one of the photos. It was a duplicate of the one in Lexie's locker, a shot of her and George, grinning like idiots in their brand new, dreadful apartment.

"They were like the adorable twins, weren't they?" Christina shook her head sadly. "God, if he'd actually ended up liking her, they would have had an adorable wedding and adorable little children and-"

"Christina."

Meredith had to stop her, because her mind was heading straight to that dark place. Losing George had been awful, losing Lexie had been devastating. She couldn't think about losing them both, not at the same time.

"Well the rest of the interns were idiots." Christina wisely changed subjects. "They weren't even good at karaoke."

"No one's supposed to be good at karaoke," Meredith happily took the turn with her, thankful to be talking about something else.

"Yeah, but they were always running around," Christina continued on. "Sleeping with inappropriate people, doing ridiculously stupid things, making us crazy."

Meredith raised an eyebrow. The implication was obvious. They'd done the exact same stupid things. Short of actually cutting each other open, Meredith and her friends had been just as bad.

"Fine," Christina knew she had lost that point. "But at least we drank like adults. Two would get tipsy on wine coolers. That kid had no shame. None of them did."

"I don't think we did either."

"Maybe not," she conceded.

"Definitely not."

Meredith managed a smile, remembering all of their various antics. They'd all been so young back then, so young and naive. But as complicated as everything had seemed, as messed up as their relationships had been and as ugly as some of their fights had gotten, it had actually been simple. Because they'd all been together, Meredith and Christina, Alex, George, Izzie... and Lexie. They'd always assumed that no matter what happened they'd still have more time, time to fix their mistakes, time to make everything right. And they'd all been so horribly wrong.

"She was always my favorite," Christina spoke up again, her voice quiet. "Out of the interns, I mean."

She was still staring at the picture, the one of Lexie and George, all happy, at the start of something new and exciting.

"Do you think she knew that?"

"I don't know."

Meredith wasn't going to lie to her friend. She and Christina didn't do that. They didn't lie to spare each other's feelings.

"But I like to think that she did."

"Me too." Christina nodded. She carefully placed the picture aside, setting it on those flannel pajamas. The pink ones with all the cute little kittens...

"Me too."

* * *

**Sorry it took awhile to update. I hope you enjoyed the end of the flashback. :) For those who are wondering, I'm guessing that's not the last you'll see of Thatcher Grey. Also, I've read some comments and questions about Mark and Derek. You should start seeing Mark in a couple of chapters. And we'll get a little deeper into the issues between Derek and Meredith as the story continues. That's a thread that will keep popping up.**

**Anyway, thanks so much again for reading! As always, reviews are so, so appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to let me know what you think of the chapter (or the story or characters or anything else ;). **


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter Fourteen**

"_You brought home a stray." –Meredith Grey_

* * *

Meredith smiled.

It was long past midnight and the world outside seemed frozen in time. There were no longer any cars passing under the street lamps. And the city had vanished beneath the moonlit clouds. She pressed her palm against the window at the end of the hall, feeling the cool night air through the glass. She was alive once more. These were the hours when she woke up, when everyone's worried gazes fell away and she could finally be free. Free to be happy or sad, to cry or laugh... to go back to that safe place she remembered so well.

Meredith approached the stairs then paused to listen. The house had gone silent hours before, but now just like her, it was alive again, roused by the melody drifting through the hallways.

It wasn't like she hadn't tried. She had tried to stay with him. She had tried to bottle up that restless energy and give Derek the one thing he wanted... the chance to see the morning together. She had studied his face, watched his chest rise and fall with each breath. She had made a promise not to leave, no matter what happened. She would stay right there next to him, watching him sleep.

But then she'd heard the music, sour note after sour note.

_She really does play it badly..._

Meredith had forced herself to stay in bed for a little while longer, but now, now she couldn't stop herself. She was up, climbing the attic stairs, that music getting louder and louder.

"Lexie?"

She opened the door slowly. Her sister was standing there, surrounded by all those open boxes. She was still wearing that same striped sweater, her hair shorter and pulled back in a hair tie. She lowered the trombone as she saw Meredith.

"Sorry." She bit her lip then dropped her voice to a whisper. "I didn't mean to wake you up."

"I was awake anyway."

Meredith crossed her arms, trying to ward off the chill that hung in the attic. It had never been insulated and apparently all that cold air she'd felt through the window had found its way inside. How in the hell had Lexie slept up here all those years? The only time she'd complained was when April had claimed Izzie's old room. But those concerns had been short lived and now once again, she looked right at home in this space, admiring her old trombone.

"I just wanted to see if I could still play."

"You can't." Meredith had been ready for that one. The teasing came so easily now. Years before, it had been a totally different story.

"But you always fooled Zola."

"Yeah well maybe you can keep it and get her some lessons." Lexie's sense of humor was firmly intact. "That can be my lasting legacy."

"My daughter torturing us with 'When The Saints Go Marching In?'" Meredith shuddered at the thought. When Lexie played, it was amusing. But a few years of Zola playing wouldn't be nearly as funny.

"No thanks."

"It might grow on you," Lexie kept up her lobbying. "You never know."

Meredith tried to picture her little girl lugging around that gigantic trombone. It _was_ kind of cute. And Zola already loved the thing. Whenever it came out of its case, she'd immediately giggle and wave at her reflection in the shiny brass surface.

"I'll consider it," Meredith pointed at her sister. "If you promise me she'll end up playing better than you."

"I don't think she can do much worse," Lexie laughed.

She set the trombone aside then took a seat in one of the dusty old chairs in the corner. The dining set had been disassembled a decade ago, but once upon a time it had belonged to their grandmother. Meredith still found that weird… how many distant relatives she and Lexie actually shared. The previous year, Lexie had talked about meeting them... she and Meredith, together. She'd pushed and pushed, but Meredith had waited too long. And now, of course, it was way too late.

"You okay?"

Lexie could sense that something was bothering her. But Meredith just nodded as she moved across the room. They'd pulled Lexie's bed away from the wall in order to get to all of those boxes. Now Meredith fell back on the mattress, once again inhaling the scent of her sister's detergent. They hadn't changed the blankets since the crash.

"Things are just weird right now." Meredith tapped her fingers on her stomach. "They're just… weird."

"Weird how?" Lexie was genuinely curious.

"Just with Derek, and the hospital," she explained. "And your dad. Your dad called again tonight."

Meredith forced herself to stop as she considered her own words. She had realized something while digging through all those boxes, staring straight into the heart of Lexie's childhood. If Thatcher hadn't abandoned Meredith, then Meredith wouldn't have a sister. And if he hadn't turned into a drunken ass, then Lexie wouldn't have come back to take care of him.

"_Our_ dad." Meredith made the correction. In some twisted way, that man had given her Lexie. Maybe just this once, she could claim him as her own.

"Well, you should talk to him." Lexie said gently. "I mean you're both sad. Why not be sad together?"

"Because we're not the same." Meredith stared up into the rafters. "We don't see things the same way. I don't even think we saw you the same way."

"Well I _am_ an enigma." Lexie smiled again, attempting to inject some levity into their discussion. But Meredith was still thinking about her locker... and all of those boxes.

"He wants your stuff, Lex," she sighed. "And I'm not even sure I should give it to him."

"Who else would you give it to?" Lexie had spotted her Etch-A-Sketch on a nearby table. She pulled the red toy into her lap then gave it a shake. "You really want my junk in your attic for the rest of your life?"

"It's not junk."

"Meredith, some of it's junk." Lexie stopped drawing just long enough to gesture at one of the boxes. "All those papers in there, those are my high school math sheets. My mom kept those."

She glanced up at her sister.

"That's what moms do, they keep their kids' junk."

"My mom never did."

"Yeah, but you'll keep Zola's, I promise." Lexie understood these things. For a time, her family had been pretty normal. "You'll need room for all of her stuff, even the stuff that no one else cares about."

"Derek thinks I should give him the boxes," Meredith returned to the issue at hand. "Your dad, he thinks I should just hand them over to him."

"So do it."

"I can't."

She felt guilty, even as Lexie reminded her over and over that she had no reason to be. It had taken her so long to become a responsible sister, to actually step in and do the right thing for Lexie, and now she wasn't ready to give that job up. She'd thought that she was, but the more Thatcher called… the more she understood what was holding her back. She just couldn't trust her father with her sister's memory… not yet anyway.

"I think..." Meredith chewed on the inside of her cheek. "I think I'm just gonna wait for now."

"You don't have to." Lexie's gaze was back on her toy. "You know that, right?"

"Yeah, I know." Meredith appreciated the out, but she still couldn't take it. "The boxes aren't going anywhere though and Zola won't have math papers for another few years."

"Unless she's super smart like me."

Lexie tried mightily to keep a straight face, but her grin broke through anyway. She couldn't help but kid around, especially when Meredith was looking so sad.

"Here."

She gave the Etch-A-Sketch dials one last twist then carefully revealed her picture. The drawing wasn't terribly detailed, but Meredith was still duly impressed. She could see herself there, lying on the bed, a lone figure who seemed to be contemplating the mysteries of life.

"You can keep this." Lexie sat the toy next to her then stood and picked up her trombone again, holding it out for Meredith to see. "And this of course."

Meredith stared at the drawing for another few seconds, hoping against hope that it would still be there when morning arrived. And then her eyes darted to the trombone. Lexie was basically inviting her to join in the fun, to get back to the playful conversation that had started their evening. Meredith took the bait.

"How can you be so good at one thing and so bad at the other?" Her smirk came fairly easily.

"It's a talent all its own," Lexie assured her. "I like to surprise people."

"Well your gift for music will certainly do that."

Lexie shook her head. She'd walked right into that one. She hastily changed topics, trying to regain the upper hand in their friendly sibling battle.

"How's it going with your therapist anyway?" She reached into one of the boxes. Out came a stack of papers, all of them covered in musical notes. "Does Dr. Wyatt think you're totally crazy?"

"Crazy, really?" Meredith rolled her eyes. She knew full well that her sister was messing with her. "That's the word you decided to go with?"

Lexie gave her an innocent shrug.

"It seemed about right."

"Uh-huh." Meredith turned onto her stomach. She'd been an only child for most of her life, but she was still pretty good at this kind of stuff.

"Well, it's going just fine, thanks for asking. Mostly I just end up babbling about _you_…" She knew just how to make Lexie squirm. "And then I babble about me, then _you_, then me and you."

"Oh great..." Lexie groaned.

_Mission accomplished…_ Her sister's cheeks were instantly pink. She shifted her focus straight back to her music and made a quick half turn towards the corner again.

"Oh Lexie, I'm kidding," Meredith decided to let her off easy. There was no sense torturing her, making her wonder what embarrassing tales Meredith had passed on.

"I mean we are talking about you, but it's nothing bad, I promise. Besides, I'm pretty sure I'm coming off as a horrible bitch while you're coming off as a sweet little sister."

"Oh," Lexie didn't dare glance over at her. But there it was... that sly smile. "So it's actually going _well _then?"

Game. Set. Match. Meredith had to admit it.

"Well played, Little Grey."

Lexie's eyes shined with amusement.

"Well, as a former resident of the psych ward myself, I just wanted to make sure you're okay, you know, in case crazy runs in the family or something."

"I'm not quite there yet," Meredith was happy that they could joke about these things. "But your concern is noted."

"Good." Lexie finished shuffling her papers then dragged a stack of boxes closer to the bed. She placed the sheets across the top, creating a makeshift music stand. "In that case, I have something else for you."

Meredith's curiosity was definitely piqued.

"Should I be nervous?"

"Of course not." Lexie grabbed a black jacket from her closet, slipping it over her shoulders in one graceful motion. "I am simply preparing a concert for you, Dr. Grey."

"In that case, I _am_ nervous."

Lexie ignored her as she flipped her hair out of her collar. She cleared her throat then held her head high. She was pretending to be serious... and not quite succeeding.

"Alright," she spoke with an air of authority. "I am dedicating this song to you."

"To me?" Meredith played right along with her.

"Yes to you." Lexie lifted the trombone. "It's something special. I think you'll like it."

"Okay then."

Meredith got comfortable, propping her head up on her hands. She honestly couldn't wait to see this production. Her sister had a flair for the dramatic and she was quite the entertainer when she wanted to be.

"Are you ready?" Lexie gave her an appraising stare.

"I am totally ready."

Meredith tried to imitate Lexie's solemn appearance, but it was impossible to hide her smile. She knew her sister was enjoying the hell out of this. She'd spent many an evening doing these performances for Zola.

"Okay then." Lexie made a grand, sweeping gesture towards Meredith, accompanied by the tiniest bow. "In your honor."

She stood just a little bit straighter, looking every bit the seasoned musician. She smoothed back her hair with one hand then pressed an imaginary wrinkle out of her jacket. Finally, she raised the instrument to her lips. The first few notes were shaky, but Meredith recognized the song instantly.

Crazy Train… her sister was playing _Crazy _Train.

Meredith's smile spread to a grin... as she counted down the seconds until Lexie burst out laughing.

* * *

Some mornings Derek felt like he was playing hide and go seek. And this was certainly one of those mornings. He'd woken up alone, yet again. Meredith's side of the bed had clearly been used, but by dawn it was empty.

Derek sighed… and so began the daily search for his wife.

It commenced in the living room then moved into the kitchen, where he'd found her passed out at the table on previous occasions. After that, it was up to Zola's room. But his daughter was still asleep in her crib. No sign of Meredith… not in the bathroom or the laundry room or anywhere else. And that was when the sinking feeling started. There was only one other place she could be.

Derek began the long trudge up the attic stairs, wishing for a split second that he could nail that door closed before the sun set again. They could just shut out all those memories and lock them away, just for a little while, just until they could get their bearings again.

"Dammit Lexie," he whispered under his breath. "Just let us go."

He wasn't really mad at her, of course. He could never be mad at her, even if she was still around to be mad at. But he was angry and he was frustrated. And it was easier to be mad at a ghost, than at his poor, sad wife… who he'd finally spotted curled up on the bed.

"Meredith?"

He shook her gently, trying to ignore the items spread out around her. There was that blasted trombone, the one Lexie had used to entertain Zola. And her photos and… wow, he'd forgotten the kitten pajamas. The morning after Lexie had sustained that concussion, he'd gone to check on her, only to find her sitting up in bed in those ridiculous PJs. She'd been so happy that Meredith had bought them for her, even if Meredith hadn't stuck around like she'd promised.

"Mer?"

He shook his wife again. Slowly, her eyes opened. She immediately winced at the bright sunshine pouring in through the windows. The weather in Seattle was definitely treating them well this week, even if nothing else was.

"Where is it?"

Meredith was groggy, but she sat up quickly, nearly tumbling off the bed as she did. Derek reached out to steady her.

"Where's what?"

Meredith rubbed her eyes, still half asleep.

"The Etch-A-Sketch?" she mumbled. "That stupid red Etch-A-Sketch. Where did she put it?"

"The Etch-A-Sketch?"

He remembered it then, the little toy that had always charmed Lexie. She could play with the damn thing for hours on end. But he hadn't seen it in months.

"Mer, I'm sorry," he said softly, hoping this wouldn't trigger yet another meltdown. The whole thing with the apples was bad enough. "I don't know where it is."

"It was right here." Meredith stood up then reached down to pat a spot on the bed. "Last night, it was right here."

"Meredith, it's gone."

He put his good hand on her shoulder, ever so gently. He was ready, just in case she broke down, or fell apart. He'd catch her, always he'd catch her. But until then, all he could do was follow her lead. He waited as she took a deep breath, swept the hair from her eyes.

"I guess I was dreaming," she murmured. She glanced around the room one more time. "I must have been dreaming."

She seemed so lost, like she'd just been dropped into another reality. And she certainly wasn't happy to be here.

"I'm sorry." Derek pulled her in for a hug, ignoring the pain as she brushed his bad arm. "It's gonna be okay."

She rested her cheek against his chest and for just one moment they were occupying the same space. They were in the same world, sad but together. He felt whole again, standing with her, like that missing piece of himself had returned. But then, she stepped back and the spell was broken.

"I'm keeping the trombone." Her voice was surprisingly strong as she spoke up again. She lifted her gaze, making sure their eyes met. "We're keeping that. And the rest of the stuff…" she hesitated. "I think the rest of the stuff should stay too, just for awhile."

"Meredith-"

"I can't," she sighed. "I really can't go through it all, not now."

"It won't be that bad," he reassured her. "I'll be here with you."

"Derek, I can't-"

"Then I'll help you," he offered. "We can do it together. You and me. We can take our time. And I promise, you won't have to do it alone."

But even that didn't seem to appease her. Maybe this was simply too much, because she appeared to be shutting down right in front of him. Just the thought of having to go through those boxes...

"Or I can do it myself if that's easier." He dropped his head, fighting to hold her attention. "Let's just get it done," he pleaded. "And then you won't have to worry about it anymore."

She was no longer listening, he could tell. Her face had gone blank and her eyes had wandered back to the corner. She was somewhere else entirely, in some other place that he could not be.

"We're keeping the trombone," she said one more time. "No matter what happens, we're keeping that at least."

"Okay…" Derek was caught off guard. He tried to think of something else he should say, some other way that he could engage her. But he never got the chance.

She gently nudged past him and walked out the door.

* * *

"Are you mad at Derek?"

Meredith had finally found a comfortable position on the couch. If she propped herself up against the arm and twisted a bit, she could just see the aquarium off to one side. That made it easier to ignore Dr. Wyatt. But her therapist wasn't going to let her off the hook.

"Meredith?"

"What?"

Meredith tried not to snap. She knew she wasn't going to get any peace today. Already she'd had to deal with Derek and all that awkward silence at breakfast. And now, now she'd come in and gone straight into therapy, not a single surgery on her schedule to distract her.

"Are you mad at Derek?" Dr. Wyatt repeated the question.

"No," Meredith said quietly. "I'm not mad at Derek."

Somewhere along the way she'd pulled her feet up onto the couch. Her therapist hadn't protested, so now she draped her arms around her knees, leaning into them a little.

"I just don't understand why he doesn't get it, I mean with Lexie's stuff." It seemed obvious to her. She wasn't just going to send it all back. These kinds of things… they took time. "Derek was the one who brought her home. You know that, right?"

"Derek brought Lexie home?"

"Yes," Meredith nodded.

So apparently, they hadn't covered this part. It was a long slog through some not-so-fun territory, but she realized that she'd have to start somewhere. Otherwise, her doctor would keep pestering her.

"Something happened between Lexie and George," she explained. "I don't know what exactly. And then there was this whole mess where we thought she was a secret cutter-"

"Your sister was a cutter?"

Dr. Wyatt was trying hard to keep up, but Meredith could tell she was losing her.

"No, Christina _thought_ she was a cutter. And then she told me and I-" she stopped short, ashamed yet again by her former self, by how little she had cared. "I figured that was Lexie's business. But Derek wanted me to talk to her about it, because she was my sister. And somehow that made it my responsibility to keep her from doing anything stupid."

"So you did?"

Meredith took a breath. That whole period of her life gave her a headache. Everything that had happened with Lexie and Christina... at least she and Derek had been happy. But everything else had turned into a mess at break neck speed.

"She wasn't a cutter," Meredith tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "I asked her and she wasn't a cutter..."

If Meredith had attempted to pry even a little bit deeper, then she would have discovered the truth. As usual though, she'd left it alone. She'd walked away.

"Lexie and the other interns..." Meredith didn't even want to say it. This whole thing made her sister look bad and she felt guilty even mentioning it. It had been one stupid mistake, one tiny blemish on Lexie's career. It was over now and it no longer mattered.

"They got caught performing surgeries on each other," she rushed ahead, wanting to get through this part as quickly as possible. "And weirdly enough, Lexie was sort of the ring leader. And she was all lost and ashamed after it happened, so Derek brought her home."

"To your home?"

"Yes," she replied. "To my home... our home."

"So is that why you're mad at him?"

"What?"

Meredith turned to look at her therapist. The notebook had disappeared. She wasn't sure when that had happened, or whether that was a good sign or a bad one. But at the very least, it would keep Dr. Wyatt from recording her surprised expression. Because honestly, her question made no sense to Meredith.

"Why would I be mad at Derek for that?"

"Because he invited Lexie into your life." Dr. Wyatt spoke as if this was the most obvious thing in the world. She always saw those tiny connections, the ones that Meredith rarely caught.

"Lexie moved into your house," she continued. "And that's a huge step that he took for you. He invited her to live with you and then you got attached and then you got hurt."

"But what's the alternative?" Meredith asked.

This wasn't a rhetorical question. She'd considered the other paths, the other twists and turns their relationship could have taken, and they genuinely scared her.

"What if I'd never been able to make that offer myself? Then Lexie would've just been that intern that I was occasionally nice to."

"Instead of the sister you loved."

"Yeah," Meredith admitted that freely. She'd loved Lexie. She'd been happy to have her sister in her life, in her home. "So there's no way I'd be mad at Derek for that."

"Then what is it?" Dr. Wyatt shifted her weight, turning her chair ever so slightly towards Meredith. "Why do you suddenly feel such a disconnect with your husband?"

Meredith thought long and hard about that. But she came back to the same answer all over again, the only one that made sense.

"Because he doesn't get it."

"Meredith, he's grieving just like you."

"But it's not the same," she insisted. "Now that we're back, things are different. We're in totally different places, literally. I mean, he's still recovering and I'm back at the hospital-"

"Meredith, he was in the crash," Dr. Wyatt reminded her. "He was in that plane with you. He experienced some of the same trauma-"

"We're not going there," Meredith cut her off abruptly. "I already told you, I'm not talking about the crash. It's over, it's done."

"Meredith-"

"You want to ask about Lexie or Derek, fine, but that..." She folded her hands, trying to regain her composure. "That's off limits."

"Meredith, they were both in the crash. _You_ were in the crash. That can't be off limits."

"Well it is."

Meredith had already spent too many days in that forest, too much time in her head wandering through those trees alone. When she closed her eyes, she was there. When she opened them... sometimes she could still smell that place. She could still feel her heart pounding in her chest as she searched for Derek. She could still hear her own voice calling his name.

"We're done today." She stood, barely giving Dr. Wyatt a second to protest. "I'm done."

"Meredith, you can't be done-"

"Well I am."

"Meredith-"

"No," Meredith turned as she reached the doorway. "We're not doing this. There are way too many other things going on. There are other people who are sad, and there are other people who are dying, right here in this hospital."

"But right now we're focused on you."

"But I don't want to be focused on me anymore." Meredith was getting so tired. All of this talking, all of this tragedy, it was taking its toll.

"You think I'm mad at Derek? Maybe I am, I don't know. But I can tell that I'm hurting him. And I can tell that I'm draining Christina. And I can tell that April Kepner is terrified of me. I don't want to be that person anymore. I don't want to be the person who takes everyone else down with them."

"Then don't be," Dr. Wyatt got to her feet, took a step forward. Even with Meredith's outright defiance, she continued to push.

"Be the person who stares this thing in the face, the one who keeps fighting and works her way through it. Be that person, Meredith."

She leveled her gaze at her patient, her voice gentle, but prodding.

"Do you think you can do that?"

Meredith stood there in silence. For the life of her, she didn't know how to respond. The question was so achingly simple. And the answer should have been simple as well.

_Do you think you can do that?_

Maybe... hopefully...

Those were the words she wanted to say. But she couldn't. Because the truth was, she was no longer sure.

* * *

**Well thanks so much for reading. Are you guys still out there? I know the show has probably taken a totally different turn by now, but hopefully you're still enjoying this story. To all the Meredith and Derek fans, don't worry, this is not a break up story. I promise you that. There are some rough patches for them, but there's a method to my madness. It should become clear by the end of the book. Just know that while this story does revolve around a tragic event, it's not meant to tear the characters apart-at all.**

**Anyway, thanks again for reading. Anyone have any favorite scenes so far? Any questions or comments? Please hit me up in the reviews. You guys are the best!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter Fifteen**

"_Practicing medicine doesn't lend itself well to the making of friends. Maybe because life and mortality are in our faces all the time. Maybe because in staring down death everyday, we're forced to know that life, every minute, is borrowed time. And each person we let ourselves care about is just one more loss somewhere down the line." –Meredith Grey_

* * *

April Kepner currently hated her life.

Well she didn't really hate it exactly. That was a terrible thing to say. So many people she knew had lost their own lives, her best friend Reed, and Charles of course. And now Lexie. So it was stupid to hate the life she was lucky enough to have. But still… she just wished that things could be simpler, or maybe just slow down for a second. Everything had been spinning out of control lately and it wasn't getting any better.

"What are you doing?"

The little boy was staring at her again. Mason, that was his name. He obviously thought she was weird. And April knew for a fact that he wasn't the only one.

"I'm just thinking."

"Why aren't you in with the doctors?"

April took a deep breath, trying not to let her frustration show. That was indeed, a very good question. At this exact moment, Bailey, Christina and Dr. Armstrong were all in the room talking to Jennifer Murray… right on the other side of the door. They'd left April to watch Mason in the hallway. All these years of hard work and now she was babysitting.

"I thought it might be nice to hang out here with you," April lied.

She tried to smile, but Mason remained dubious. He shook his head then leaned into the door, pressing his ear up against it. He squinted in concentration. April wasn't even sure what the doctors were talking about or whether or not she should stop him. Hell, she couldn't even get this babysitting thing right.

"Is Gracie gonna get a new heart now?" he asked quietly.

"I don't know," April bit her lip, suddenly nervous about where this was going. "I mean she will, soon I'm sure. But it might take awhile-"

"Where's the heart gonna come from?"

Crap. Seriously? She couldn't exactly tell him that a heart fairy dropped it off.

"Uh, well…"

She shifted the pile of charts she was carrying from one hand to the other. Mason was still staring. The kid didn't even blink.

"Someone's gotta die right?"

April wanted to sink into the floor. Just her luck, she'd found the one seven year old in the world with some medical knowledge.

"Well, yeah," she said slowly. "Yeah, that's… that's sort of what happens."

Oh what the hell… If April screwed this up, maybe they'd think twice about making her babysit.

"Sometimes people die, but when they go, they want to leave behind…" she stopped, searching for the right words. "Well they want to leave behind a gift, like something that can help another person."

"Like a heart?"

"Yeah," April smiled in relief. She actually wasn't doing so badly here. "Yeah, like a heart or lungs or… well lots of different things."

"But someone's still gotta die?"

April's face fell. He really was stuck on that part…

"Well yeah," she mumbled. "Yeah, I guess so."

"That's sad." Mason straightened. He was starting to look just a little distressed. "But what if they have a brother too, the person who dies?"

April deflated immediately. This is so not what she had come back for. She'd returned to save lives not to talk about tragedy. If only she'd passed those stupid boards. If only she and Jackson hadn't… oh god, she could not stand here and think about that, not in front of a second grader.

"Well then…" she trailed off. Maybe this was her punishment, having to discuss death with a child. She willed herself not to stutter as she plowed on ahead. "Then the brother will be sad, I'm sure. It's sad when people die, but sometimes you can't stop it-"

"But Gracie's not gonna die, right?" Mason was connecting all the wrong dots. And now his panic was really beginning. "She can't die. No one would even want her heart anyway. So, she can't die!"

"She's not gonna die." April reversed course as fast as she could. How had this all unraveled so quickly? "I didn't mean that _she_ would die."

But it was too late. Mason's eyes were filling with tears. He hastily wiped them away with the back of his hand, attempting to be brave.

"I don't want her to die." His voice shook and now his lower lip was quivering too. She'd made him cry. April couldn't believe it. In the space of two minutes, she'd actually made this kid cry.

She whirled around, searching desperately for help. There had to be someone in this stupid hospital who could handle this discussion. Her eyes darted first to the nurses' station, then to the opposite end of the hall. And that's when she spotted the last person on Earth she wanted to see. There, standing not ten feet away, probably having overheard the entire conversation, was Meredith Grey. April hurriedly turned back towards the wall, not wanting to make eye contact with her... or Mason for that matter.

_Oh God please,_ she thought. _Please just let me be somewhere else, anywhere else. Let this just be an awful dream… A really, REALLY awful dream that I'm gonna wake up from…_

"Mason, it's okay."

There she was… Meredith. She had come over to comfort the boy that April had so clearly upset. Meredith didn't even look at her as she knelt down beside him. Mason immediately threw his arms around her neck.

"She said Gracie would die."

"No," April protested immediately. "No, I didn't. I swear."

"Mason, she didn't say that," Meredith spoke softly, still ignoring April.

April wasn't sure whether to be thankful or disappointed by this. She wondered, for an instant, if maybe this meant she could leave. But no, she'd made this mess and as much as she wanted to flee, she knew that she had to stick it out.

Mason finally let go of Meredith then leaned back so that he could see her more easily. Meredith gave him the tiniest, most sympathetic smile, the kind that could garner just about anyone's trust.

"What Dr. Kepner meant is that sometimes people do die," Meredith carefully translated her words. "It just happens and you can't stop it. And it's very sad."

"Like with Mom and Dad?"

April felt sick. She'd forgotten that he was an orphan as well.

"Yeah," Meredith said softly. "Like with your mom and dad. But not with Gracie. Gracie we can help."

"But someone's gonna die." That part seemed to break him. "I don't want someone to die."

"Mason," Meredith held him gently by the shoulders. "That person is going to die no matter what. But when they leave something behind, like their heart… when they help someone else like Gracie, it's a little better."

"It's not better," Mason sniffled. "They're dead."

"It's a little better," Meredith assured him. "For their family, it's a little better. Because there's still a piece of them somewhere."

"A piece in Gracie?"

"Yeah," Meredith's smile grew just a bit. "So I think that's gotta be better, don't you?"

Mason took a deep, shuddering breath, then eventually nodded. And with that, April felt the two-ton weight lift from her chest. At least she hadn't traumatized the kid for the rest of his life. Hopefully, he'd forget that she even existed. At this point, all of his attention was focused on Meredith anyway.

"So Gracie…" he hesitated. "Gracie'll be okay, right?"

"We're gonna work really hard to get her all fixed up for you," Meredith stood, striking that careful balance between making a promise and scaring him all over again.

"That's why we have so many doctors checking in on you guys. Like Dr. Kepner." Meredith suddenly motioned in April's direction. "I told you she was a good doctor, didn't I? And I wouldn't lie about that."

"I know." Mason took a moment to wipe his face with his shirt.

And April… April just stood there in stunned silence, wondering if she'd heard that correctly. What had just happened? Had Meredith Grey just called her a good doctor? And crazier still, had she actually meant it? Because it sort of seemed like she had.

April dropped her gaze to the floor as her brain released a flood of emotions. Guilt, relief, crushing sadness... She thought about Lexie, the person who should have been standing here now, the one whose job April had taken. She would have known just how to handle this. And Mason would have loved her instantly, just as he loved Meredith.

"I uh…" She gestured down the hallway. The truth was, she was no longer needed here. "I'd better go. I'm sure Dr. Hunt could use some help in-"

"Dr. Kepner, hold on."

Meredith glanced over at her, probably waiting to see if she'd bolt again. But April stood her ground. She was getting light headed, but thankfully Meredith didn't seem to catch on.

"Mason, can you stay here for a minute?" Meredith pulled a softball from her coat pocket. She tossed it to him as his face lit up with a smile.

"Where'd you get it?"

"My sister."

April was surprised by how easily that answer came out. Meredith was genuinely pleased to pass the ball on to him.

"I don't think she'd mind if you had it."

Mason threw the ball from one hand to the other, testing its weight. For the first time that day, he was actually happy.

"Thanks."

Meredith nodded.

"Just stay here for a sec, okay?"

"Okay."

And now that he was occupied, Meredith shifted her focus to April.

"Dr. Kepner."

She held her arm out, directing April down the hall. Mason didn't even notice as they slipped away. He was far too distracted by his new present. Nevertheless, Meredith waited until they were out of his earshot before she spoke up again.

"So how's Gracie doing?" she finally asked.

April blinked. Of all the things Meredith could have said, this one was the least expected. But of course she would want to discuss their patient. Duh, April.

"Uh, well…" She started flipping through the top chart in her stack. That one had to be Gracie's right? Or had she handed it to Dr. Bailey? Crap.

"I just meant in general," Meredith clarified. "Is she okay?"

"Oh, well, she's stable." April hugged the charts to her chest as if they could shield her. "Uh… no neurological issues. And Dr. Torres says the leg fracture should, well it should heal fairly quickly."

"Good," Meredith obviously appreciated the positive news. "That's good. So they'll give her a heart."

"Yeah," April took a step back, hoping that this was the end of the conversation. Maybe now, she could make her escape. "They should. Soon, maybe soon."

"April."

"Yeah?"

She had started to turn. She could see a clear path down the hallway now. That's all she wanted, was just to get down that hallway. But Meredith had other plans.

"April, can you look at me?"

"Uh, sure." April made an effort to face her, but she couldn't meet her eyes. "Is there, is there something else that you need?"

"It's okay that they hired you back."

April's head shot up before she could stop herself. And now Meredith Grey was staring straight at her. It felt like her feet were frozen in place. At this point, April couldn't have left if she'd tried.

"I know you think you took her job," Meredith said slowly. Her expression was surprisingly sympathetic. "But you shouldn't feel bad about that. It just… it makes it a little bit better."

_No it doesn't…_

There were a multitude of other things that could have made this all better. If she'd passed her boards or if Lexie had lived... If a stupid engine hadn't failed, or if they hadn't sent their doctors to another damned state… But this, her being here, that wasn't helping anyone.

"Meredith," she gradually found her voice again. "I appreciate what you're trying to say but-"

"Lexie loved her job," Meredith cut her off. "She loved it almost as much as she loved all of us. But she can't be here to do it anymore."

She swallowed and April had to marvel at her strength. She was somehow managing to hold it together.

"I just told that little boy that it was okay for his sister to have someone else's heart," she continued quietly. "So I think, I think it has to be okay for you to have Lexie's job. It's one of the things that she left behind, something that meant a lot to her. And it's okay if it goes to you."

April could feel the tears coming, feel her hands starting to shake. She hugged the charts just a bit tighter, struggling to keep her whole body from trembling.

"This isn't how I wanted it," she whispered. "I swear, I didn't want it. I mean, people don't even like me here."

She knew that was a slight exaggeration. Some people liked her, Jackson liked her and sometimes Alex could be nice. But most of them had little patience for her, especially now.

"And Lexie… everybody liked Lexie."

"A lot of people did," Meredith gave her a bittersweet smile. "But she wasn't perfect. We all want to pretend now... But my sister wasn't perfect. You don't have to live up to anything, alright?"

"Alright." April forced herself to nod, once then twice. And now it seemed like she'd be nodding forever.

"You just have to do the job. You have to take all your guilt or fear or whatever other crap you're going through and throw it all out the window," Meredith pressed forward. "You can do that, can't you?"

"Yeah." April mumbled. "Okay."

"Just do the job."

"Okay," she tried again. "Okay, I will."

"We're gonna be fine," Meredith put her hand on April's shoulder, looking her straight in the eye. "All of us, we're gonna be fine. We'll make it through this, no matter what happens."

"Do you really believe that?" April had to know, because she'd been asking herself the same question for weeks now.

"I'm trying," Meredith gave her an honest answer, the best one that she could come up with. "I really am."

* * *

Meredith felt just a hint of relief as she drove home that night. A storm was brewing and the first few raindrops were starting to fall. Pretty soon the wind would be howling. The tree branches would start lashing the windows and the power would more than likely go out. But she didn't care. She'd made it through again. One more day to check off, one more day removed from the crash, one more day closer to… something. She wasn't sure what.

There was no set goal on her calendar. There was no date when things would magically get better. But she knew that she couldn't stay in one place, not anymore. She couldn't just hide behind her anger and tears and assume that the world would carry her along. Dr. Wyatt had issued her a challenge and it was time to step up.

_Be the person who stares this thing in the face, the one who keeps fighting and works her way through it. _

It was all easier said than done, of course. But Meredith Grey was indeed a fighter. She didn't give up easily, not on her friends or her family or the life she had built for herself. She wasn't going to curl up into a ball and just disappear or worse yet turn into that person who sucked the joy out of everyone else. She'd worked too hard for that.

And so now she'd made a choice, to try and be better, not all at once because that would be impossible. But there were little things she could do… like releasing poor April Kepner from her guilt induced misery. Instead of being a sad burden to the people around her, Meredith had actually been useful today. She'd made someone else feel a little less awful. And that was a lot. In her current world of tragedy and death, that was everything.

She turned her car into the driveway, wondering if she could do the same thing for Derek… make him feel a little less awful. He was hurt too, physically, emotionally. And the truth was, she had caused some of that pain. The crash had injured his hand, but Meredith had certainly injured his spirit. Maybe she could cook him dinner tonight, or at least greet him with an actual smile. She hadn't been such a great sister, but she could be a better wife. She had such a long history of sabotaging her relationships, of trying to break them. And she didn't want to do that, not anymore.

Meredith sat in the car for another minute or so, staring at her half-empty home. It seemed so warm and inviting tonight, a safe shelter from this increasingly ugly storm. The rain was coming faster now. It was falling in sheets across her hood, the loud slaps echoing through the car.

She took a breath, readying herself for the watery onslaught, then threw her door open and made a dash for the house. She was drenched by the time she stepped inside. Her wet hair had fallen into her face and her shoes were all squishy. But she didn't even care. She hung her jacket on the rack then glanced at her reflection in the window. The drowned cat look wasn't particularly attractive, but hopefully her husband would forgive her for that.

"Derek?" she called out to him as she started up the stairs. She knew she shouldn't yell. There was a good chance that Zola was already asleep. But still, she couldn't help herself. She just wanted to see him.

"Derek?"

"Up here!"

She was having trouble pinning down his location. At first, she thought his voice was coming from their room, but when she peeked inside, it was empty. She checked Zola's room as well. As expected, her daughter was asleep in her crib, but her husband was nowhere to be found.

"Derek, where are you?"

"In the attic."

_In the…?_ Her heart dropped as she processed that statement. Derek was in the attic. He never went in the attic, not unless he was searching for her. But she was downstairs, which meant that he'd found another reason. He'd found another reason to go up there alone.

_No…_ she raced down the hallway. _No, no, no._

"Derek!"

She took the stairs two at a time then burst through the doorway, nearly slipping in her rain soaked shoes. This space, it had belonged to Lexie. It had been her little sister's home. But now… Meredith's mouth dropped open as her eyes darted around the room. She could barely breathe. The room, which had been jam packed with boxes this morning, was practically empty now.

"What did you do?"

Her peripheral vision was going dark. All she could see was Derek's face, the expression on his face. He'd been smiling, so proud of himself. But he must have seen her stunned reaction, because he immediately filled in the silence.

"You said you couldn't do it."

"No, I said we _shouldn't _do it," she spoke in a measured tone, even though she wanted to scream. "_Shouldn't_ do it, Derek."

At least that's what she'd meant. She couldn't remember the actual conversation now. It was all a blur of trombone music and sleep deprivation. She inhaled slowly, forcing more oxygen into her lungs.

"Where did you take it all? Where did all her boxes go?"

Derek obviously knew that he was in trouble here, but he was trying to act as if this was normal, as if this was something they'd already planned. He glanced around the attic. It suddenly felt so large, so horrifyingly large.

"Your dad picked most of it up," he explained. "But I kept some things. The trombone is in April's old room and…"

He kept talking but his voice eventually faded to nothingness. All she could see was his mouth moving, attempting to explain something that, to her, was absolutely unexplainable.

"How could you do this?" Meredith lowered herself onto the bed. Her voice was filled with anger but she felt suddenly weak. "You didn't even ask me. You just threw it all out-"

"I didn't throw it all out," Derek cut in.

"Well, it's gone isn't it?" Meredith gestured around the room. "You might as well have tossed it into the street!"

"I would never-" he started to stumble over his words and Meredith could see his patience dissolving. "Meredith, I gave it back to the man who raised her. Those were his memories too."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah, I am."

The battle lines had been drawn, Meredith could tell. This was where Derek would make his stand. He'd let her win before, with the apples, with the fact that they never woke up in the same bed any more. But they'd finally hit that point, the one she had always suspected was coming. There were too many raw emotions, too many things that had been bottled up. And Derek could no longer back down. But the problem was… on this subject, in this place, Meredith couldn't back down either.

"You gave her stuff away, Derek." She tried to keep her rage at a simmer. "And you gave it to the man who dumped it out in the first place."

"That man is her father," Derek stepped forward. It suddenly felt like he was towering over her. "And he's your father too. So maybe you should have some compassion."

"For him?"

Derek of all people knew how she felt about Thatcher. And that was just enough to push her over the edge.

"How about for me?" she snapped. "This was my job, not yours. I should have been the one to-"

"I was trying to help you!" Derek shouted. He caught himself, remembering that they still had a daughter downstairs. He ran one hand through his hair, pacing in exasperation. And then finally, he turned back to her. He lowered his voice, but his tone was every bit as intense.

"We're all just trying to help you. But you've dug yourself into such a deep hole that you don't even see it."

"Maybe that's because my sister is dead."

"Yeah, she is. And it's awful. It is awful, Meredith, for all of us." Derek put his hands on his hips, refusing to let her win this argument just because she was related to Lexie. "But you can't just recreate this whole world. You can't just make it all about the two of you."

"I'm not doing that."

"Yes you are!" He'd given up worrying about the noise level now. "Yes, you are. I am your husband and you can't even talk to me. We have an attic full of her stuff and-"

"And what we do with that stuff is my decision, not yours!" She shot to her feet. "I packed all those boxes up, I brought them over here-"

"Don't make me out to be the bad guy, Meredith!" Derek stalked ever closer to the bed, his fury reaching epic proportions. He'd been holding it in for so long and now he was ready to explode. "I haven't done anything wrong here."

"You just threw all her stuff away!"

"No, I gave it back. And you want to pretend like it was yours? Like it all belonged to you?" He let out a bitter laugh, shaking his head at how ridiculous that sounded.

"Well here's what you're forgetting." He stared right at her, that angry, awful laughter subsiding. "I'm the one who brought Lexie here. I'm the one who had to convince _you_ to let her stay. Or don't you remember that?"

"That's not fair."

"Really?" he asked. "Because it's the truth. You were fine when she was only going to stay a few days, but you were still pissed about that thing with Christina and-"

"Don't start this," she warned him.

"You already started it!" he yelled. "We all know you loved Lexie. But let's not rewrite history. You don't get to take ownership of her now, not now, not after everything else that happened."

_Everything else…_

That was code. It was code for all of those moments that caused her so much pain and guilt. The early years… those times Derek had practically begged her to open her heart to her sister. He had siblings, he understood. And he'd tried to share that with her, but she hadn't listened.

Meredith took a deep breath, attempting to calm herself. Derek's face was already softening.

"All I'm saying," he started, but had to stop himself. He knew he had hurt her and he felt badly about that. "All I'm saying is that there are other people who love her. You can't claim every part of her for yourself."

"Not after everything else that happened…" Meredith repeated his own words.

She could see that Derek wanted to speak up again. He clearly wanted to take it back, that last part, the part that had cut her so deeply. But he couldn't. It was out there now, hanging in the air between them.

The damage was already done.

* * *

**Well hopefully all the Meredith and Derek fans haven't totally abandoned me here. :) This is sort of a darkest before the dawn tale (in other words, it WILL get a lot better for Meredith and Derek before the end, I promise!). Plus, it seems like people often lash out against those they love most when they're hurt. And the truth is, I really enjoyed writing this scene, because I sort of think they both have a point. On one hand, Derek shouldn't have done this without asking Meredith. On the other hand, Meredith was stuck and he was simply trying to help her move forward. To me, with their relationship in particular and how many times he has watched her struggle, this seems like something he might try, a sort of shock to the system to get her moving again, or maybe just to get her to react to something. Plus he's been fairly supportive so far and it was about time for him to blow.**

**I also enjoyed writing the scene with poor April Kepner. I thought it might be nice for Meredith to start looking at how this tragedy has affected the others, basically a reminder that it's not all about her (something that Derek echoes in the following scene). Anyway, those are my thoughts. Let me know yours please (about this or any other chapter)! Review away guys. **

**Next up, flashback!**

**Last but certainly not least, I hope all of you over on the east coast are doing okay. For those of you still in the storm's path, please stay safe!**


	16. Chapter 16

**Hi guys! Are you still out there? Sorry it's taken me awhile to update. The last two weeks have been pretty busy. But I'm back with another chapter. I hope you enjoy it.**

**And for those of you in the US, Happy Thanksgiving!**

* * *

**Chapter Sixteen**

"_But once we face our demons, face our fears and turn to each other for help, night time isn't so scary, because we realize we aren't all alone in the dark." – Meredith Grey_

* * *

Meredith wanted another shot of tequila.

She'd wanted one when Derek left and then another when Izzie left and now again as she watched Alex stand up to go. It was just turning into that kind of evening.

Their party at Joe's had started out well enough. It had been Derek's idea of course, a celebration to welcome Lexie into the house. The others had been happy and smiling. The multiple rounds of drinks certainly hadn't hurt. But Meredith... Meredith couldn't shake her concerns about this new plan. She and Lexie were okay with each other, friendly even. And she'd been happy when Derek had invited the sad, little intern back to their home. It showed that he cared, that he was getting used to their weird housing situation. Still, with this party, they were encouraging her to stay… indefinitely.

"I'll see you back at the house."

Alex threw some money on the table then grabbed his jacket. Meredith debated whether or not to pull him aside. Maybe she could beg him to stay, call in one of the seventeen favors he owed her. But already he was dialing a cab.

Derek and his big ideas...

Now, she was sitting here alone... with Lexie. And her sister had that look on her face, the kind that signaled deep thoughts and meaningful conversation. The two cosmopolitans probably hadn't helped matters.

"So," Meredith figured it was time to start talking. Maybe if she went first, she could steer the discussion away from more personal matters. "Sorry about the attic. We're kind of short on space right now."

"It's okay." Lexie had already accepted her spot, squeezed in between a wall of boxes and the Christmas decorations. At least they'd managed to fit her bed in. "I'll be fine wherever."

"But I guess this isn't permanent, right?" Meredith asked with only a hint of trepidation in her voice. "I'm sure we can find a nicer place for you soon."

"I'm really good with anything," Lexie replied. "It's no big deal. I sleep in the hospital half the time anyway."

She was accepting this all a little too easily. She'd moved out of an apartment she'd liked, one she'd chosen and decorated, to live under the rafters of Meredith's house. That could only mean one thing. Something must have gone wrong with George and if that was true... oh god, Meredith might be stuck with her forever.

"I can handle it," Lexie seemed to read her discomfort. "I can, I promise."

Meredith just nodded. She was fighting to keep her expression neutral. She really wasn't trying to be mean about this. But there had to be a better housing situation for Lexie, some perfect roommate who could chat about surgeries but didn't have the darker, more cynical personality most surgeons adopted. Her sister needed someone smiley, happy, someone normal. And as much as Meredith loved her roommates, they didn't fit that category. Well maybe Izzie... but even that was a stretch.

"I'm really sorry about Dr. Yang."

Lexie glanced over to the bar where Christina was sitting by herself. Meredith had stopped talking, just for a moment, and now she'd gone and left the door open. So of course, the conversation had immediately strayed into Meredith's life.

"I shouldn't have said anything," Lexie continued. "I didn't realize-"

"You didn't," Meredith interrupted her. She didn't want to get into this, not with Christina so close by. "You made a bad mistake, a stupid mistake."

"Yeah, I know." Lexie took another sip of her drink, wincing as she got a taste of the alcohol. "It was dumb."

Meredith didn't respond. Maybe, if she was lucky, Lexie would drop this matter here and now. Then they could both escape the long trek down memory lane, through the last few weeks of screw-ups and relationship issues. But Lexie's smile had faded completely and Meredith could see her busy little mind working overtime, struggling to broach a subject that had clearly been bothering her.

"I'm just... I'm not even sure how it happened," she confessed. Anyone else would have shut up and prayed that the world would forget their mistakes. But Lexie, Lexie would go and discuss them forever.

"We just wanted to learn something, that's all. And it got so out of control so fast."

"Well it's over now," Meredith tried again to put a stop to this, but Lexie just sighed. The vodka was taking effect, draining all that youthful resilience and causing her to ramble even more than usual.

"No, it's not." She crossed her arms on the table. "It's not. How can it be? People will be talking about this for years."

"Lexie-"

"I mean how do you even live that down?"

And here came the humiliation, the red face, the utter defeat.

"How do you live down being the intern who cut someone open and nearly killed them? Doing an appy." She gestured at Meredith, totally appalled by her own actions. "I did an appy on your friend for godsake."

"Sadie will be fine."

"Sure," Lexie mumbled. "After I nearly butchered her."

"What you did was dumb." Meredith resisted the urge to signal Joe. She really wanted that tequila now. "But what Sadie did... well it was a lot dumber and that's saying something."

"But I should've known better," Lexie shook her head. "I should've been able to stop her. Or I could've just asked Dr. Yang to teach us something, _anything_..."

Meredith felt the first pin pricks of annoyance stabbing at her. Being Lexie's confidant, it wasn't exactly a position she'd sought after. But somehow, she'd gotten stuck with it tonight. And now her sister was tiptoeing into dangerous territory.

"Seriously, she'd just tell us to stand there," Lexie seemed totally unaware of Meredith's mounting displeasure. "Just stand off to the side and watch while she did all the work. When the Chief was there then, _then_ she'd let us do something-"

"She was teaching you."

"What?" Lexie snapped back to attention. She had missed the set jaw, the subtle glare, all the signs that Meredith was losing her cool.

"Christina," she muttered. "Christina was teaching you. Yes, she's not the easiest person to work with, but you were lucky to have her-_are_ lucky to have her."

"I-I know," Lexie was genuinely confused by the sudden turn this had taken. "I know that."

"Do you? Because right now it just sounds like you're whining."

Uh-oh, Meredith could hear herself talking, hear those words pouring out of her mouth. Already her annoyance had morphed into something stronger, irritation maybe. And pretty soon that would be anger and unjustified anger at that. Why the hell was she defending Christina of all people?

"I can learn a lot from Dr. Yang," Lexie said carefully. She'd figured it out now. She knew she had stumbled into some sort of mess. But she seemed uncertain of how to escape it. "She's an amazing surgeon."

"She is actually."

"And I'm glad I get to watch her, I am, but-"

"But what?"

Poor Lexie looked like a deer caught in headlights. She swallowed hard then gave Meredith the tiniest smile, hoping to get her sister back on her side.

"Come on, she doesn't want to teach us. She doesn't even _like_ us."

"She's not supposed to like you," Meredith was quick to remind her of that. "You're not her friend, _I_ am her friend. Her job is to show you how to save someone's life and if you pay attention then you'll learn how to do that."

Meredith knew she should pull back. There was no sense launching a full-scale attack on Lexie over this. But the three beers combined with her frustration at Christina was overriding her better judgment. And Lexie was an easy target.

"I didn't mean to get between you two." She was stammering now, reverting back to that nervous little intern from the previous year. "I thought the Chief knew, I thought Christina had told him that she'd caught us."

"Well it turns out she didn't."

"Yeah, but this, this whole thing, it was on me," Lexie insisted. "I wanted to take responsibility. I just, I thought it would help."

Meredith rolled her eyes. Her sister could be so ridiculously naïve.

"Why are you even telling me this?"

"Because I have no one else to tell," Lexie said desperately. She didn't understand why Meredith wasn't getting it. "Because I'm trying to apologize. I just wanted to say I was sorry."

"You and I, we don't do this," Meredith had to put the brakes on this spiraling conversation. "We don't spill our secrets or cry over drinks."

"I'm not saying we should."

"Yeah, but you just keep pushing…" She took a breath. "You keep pushing all the time, Lexie. And I think you want me to be somebody I'm just… not."

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Christina staring at them. Meredith needed to talk to her, to clear the air, to put this stupid fight behind them. But that wasn't going to happen. And now she had to deal with Lexie instead.

"You have to understand something." She glanced back at the girl, straining to keep her tone even, to substitute honesty for all of that anger. "I may have just lost my best friend over your mistake. And I get that you didn't mean it and I get that we all make mistakes, we do. It's just... I can't be the person you talk to about it, not now. It can't be me."

She'd tried to put it as gently as possible, but it didn't matter. Lexie's face fell immediately. It was hard to watch. But still… they needed to get this stuff out, without all the resentment and emotional baggage.

"That's just, it's not who I am," Meredith forced herself to continue. Lexie was the one who had wanted to share. So why the hell shouldn't she tell her the truth?

"I don't do teary hugs," she explained. "And I don't give great advice and I definitely don't host big family parties. There are a lot of people out there who have siblings, but I'm not one of them, not really. And I'm not sure I was ever meant to _be_ one of them. So this…" she paused, remembering all the insanity of the previous year, the emotional rollercoaster she'd found herself on. "This whole thing, you and me being related, it's basically the universe screwing with us. Or maybe it's just screwing with me, I don't know. But you can see it, can't you? I mean even if we kind of get along, I'm sure you can see that I'm nobody's sister…"

Meredith finally trailed off. It all seemed so logical to her. But Lexie had gotten awfully quiet. Her big, dark eyes looked horribly sad. She dropped her head and nodded slowly.

"Yeah," she said, her voice barely audible. "Yeah, I see it, I guess."

She bit her lip. She began to play with her napkin, hoping to distract herself. Because the tears... the tears were gradually coming.

Crap… Somehow Meredith had forgotten who she was talking to, how delicate and complicated this situation really was. This went way beyond living arrangements and fights with Christina. There was a lot of history here.

"Lexie..."

"No, I get it."

"I'm not trying to make you feel bad. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, of course." Lexie nodded quickly, even though she clearly _did _feel bad. "It's okay."

Meredith cursed her own brutally honest streak. This is why she and Christina worked. They could say this kind of stuff without hurting each other. But with Lexie it was different. Meredith was doing real damage... again.

"I'm just trying to explain."

"It's okay, really." Lexie's reassurances weren't exactly persuasive as she sank further and further into her chair. "Neither of us wanted this. I mean you never wanted me to suddenly appear at your hospital and I... I was wrong... about a lot of things."

God, she was lost, almost as lost as the day Derek had brought her back to their house. And as much as Meredith wanted to jump up and get the hell out of there, she knew that she couldn't.

"Like what?" she asked finally. "What were you wrong about?"

"Nothing..."

"Lexie, tell me," Meredith prodded her. "I know I said, I know I _just_ said I couldn't be that person, but..."

Screw it. She wasn't going through that again. Meredith sighed.

"Just tell me."

Lexie glanced over at her, evidently gun shy. Meredith hadn't exactly made it easy to share, but she wanted to hear this. Sometimes she simply forgot that she wasn't the center of this world that she lived in. And she owed it to her little sister to get her side of the story.

"What were you wrong about?"

Lexie still seemed unsure. She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, gathering her courage.

"My mother..." she started slowly. "My mother really liked you."

"And I liked her too." Meredith had no idea where she was going with this, but for once she wanted to keep Lexie talking. Otherwise, the girl would shut down completely.

"It's just, she told me about you. Not a lot-" Lexie caught herself, still anxious about her sister's reaction. "Just about you guys having dinner, how she was buying you groceries, stuff like that."

That image made Meredith's heart ache. She could still picture Susan in her kitchen. She'd deliver a couple bags worth of food then fuss over Meredith's otherwise empty cupboards. And sometimes they'd make small talk... about her family, about Molly, the baby, that older daughter off in med school...

"She wanted us to meet someday," Lexie finally glanced up at her. "When we were both ready. She wanted to have a big dinner and introduce us, because you were this, this awesome doctor. And even though she didn't really like that word, awesome... she thought she was too old to be saying it, she used it for you. Because she thought it fit. It fit perfectly."

Meredith knew she shouldn't get emotional. She didn't have the right. But still, it was hard. Susan Grey had meant a lot to her.

"She was a very sweet woman, your mother."

"I know." Lexie made an effort to smile, but barely succeeded. Her face quickly turned somber again as she remembered how her family's fortunes had changed.

"When she died though, there was suddenly this hole," Lexie went on. "And someone had to fill it. And I couldn't, I mean, I can't, ever... but someone had to stay. I-I had to stay because..." she gestured at Meredith, still self-conscious about this particular topic. "Because of Dad and, and everything. And Molly, Molly had the baby and they were moving. So I _had_ to stay."

She said the words as if she was still trying to convince herself.

"I had to. I just... I had to.

"He's not your responsibility." Meredith was attempting to be supportive now, even as she realized it might be too late. "You shouldn't have had to do that."

"He's my family, Meredith."

That was the one thing Lexie seemed sure of.

"Even if he throws my stuff out, even if he gets drunk and calls me every other night to tell me how awful I am, he's still my family. He's what I have left."

Meredith glanced down. That was a truly depressing thought...

"I stayed. It was my decision to stay," Lexie said firmly. She'd been the dutiful daughter, a job that came with little reward. "But I figured at least I'd know somebody at Seattle Grace. I just wanted something that would make having to be here, having to work in the same stupid hospital where my mother died... I wanted something that would make that worthwhile."

She had deflated completely. Her eyes were watery, searching for the help that had never arrived.

"I really thought..." Lexie let out a breath. "I really thought you were it."

Oh god... Meredith had no idea how to respond to that. If anyone else had said that, anyone else in the world, she would have chalked it up to the greatest guilt trip of all time. But no, her sister was being sincere. Meredith had wanted honesty and now she was getting it.

"I built up this whole dream about how we were going to meet and be great friends," Lexie said softly. "I figured you were going to teach me all these crazy procedures, the kind Dr. Yang wouldn't even let me get near. And it would just work, it'd be simple."

"Lexie..."

"No, it sounds stupid now." She nodded, thoroughly embarrassed. "I know that. And it's my fault."

"It's nobody's fault."

"Yes it is. You can't just drop into somebody's life and expect them to like you." Lexie wiped the tears from her cheeks. Meredith could see her despair, her total disappointment in how things had turned out. "And I'm sorry, I really am, because I know-I know I remind you of a lot of crappy stuff in your past. And now I'm moving into your house and that's not fair."

"It's fine."

"No, it's not," Lexie protested. "It's not, because you're right. We're not friends. Not really. And I don't want to get in the way of what you and Christina have or you and Alex or George or whoever else."

"You're not in the way."

Meredith was backpedaling, but it didn't even matter. Whether she meant to or not, Lexie was silently calling her out on all of her crap, on her months of inconsistencies. One moment they were siblings, the next they weren't. One moment Lexie was welcome in her life, the next she was a burden.

"Steve has a room opening up next week." Lexie managed to collect herself. She wasn't angry, or accusing, just resigned to her fate. "I can move in on Friday."

"Steve?" Now Meredith really felt bad. "Intern Steve?"

So apparently Lexie's stay in the attic wasn't indefinite. She had another option, a back up plan. And Meredith had stupidly pushed her to use it. But Two, of all people? That was the moron that old ladies picked on.

"Lexie," Meredith couldn't hide her dismay. "You can't go live with Intern Steve."

"He has a room-"

"The room's not the issue," she interjected. "He is. The guy who can barely draw blood, the one who makes crank calls to Christina... _he's_ the issue."

"He's not that bad," Lexie was rather bewildered by her reaction. "I mean he's always been nice to me."

"Of course he's been nice to you." Meredith would have laughed if she hadn't been so concerned. Not only was her sister naïve, she was also oblivious. "You're pretty. And you've been carrying him since the day you guys started."

"No, I haven't."

"Yes you have."

"Meredith-"

"You're like that girl in high school, the one who writes papers that everyone copies." Meredith had seen it with her own eyes, the way that the interns peppered Lexie with questions just before rounds. "But eventually, he's going to pull you down. They all will."

"That's crazy," Lexie couldn't help but stand up for her friends. "If anyone made a mistake, it was me. That surgery, it was my idea."

"Maybe." Meredith admired her loyalty. But it was certainly misplaced. "It doesn't matter though, because _you _will learn from that mess. But the rest of them... they still act like med students. Dani accidentally left a patient in the elevator last week."

That was just the beginning of a long, long list of intern screw-ups. All the residents were keeping score. And it was obvious who their best people were.

"You're just, you're smarter, Lexie," Meredith wasn't afraid to admit it. "You're better. You're a better person and a better doctor."

Lexie raised her eyebrows. She didn't seem convinced… at all. Meredith had given her little reason to be.

The truth was, her confidence had taken a pounding lately and some of that, maybe a lot of it, was Meredith's fault… Meredith, and Christina and her drunken idiot father. But this was Lexie's future they were talking about. Issues with friends and former roommates, and even each other, those would simply have to take a backseat.

"Lexie, you and I, we had very, very different childhoods," Meredith couldn't stress that part enough. "And we're very different people. But this path you want to take right now? I can see it. And it's gonna end badly."

"You don't know that," Lexie was still puzzling through her sister's remarks. "Maybe it's for the best."

"It's not." Meredith was adamant. She was determined to get through to the girl. "Look, when I first started at the hospital I was losing my mother. And my father…" She hesitated realizing that Lexie was the last person she'd have to explain this stuff too. "I was pretty much by myself until I found Christina and Derek and Izzie and everyone else. They're my people."

"Yeah, I know," Lexie sounded envious. She'd witnesses their little lunchtime chats and occasionally been allowed to join in from the sidelines. "Every class has that group that sticks together-"

"Well this can't be your group," Meredith said emphatically. "Steve and all those other interns, they can't be your people. They can't be your family and they can't be your home."

"I don't need them to be," Lexie sat up straighter, but she must have realized she was fooling herself.

"I've got Dad and I've got Molly."

"They're your blood." Meredith knew all too well that blood wasn't everything, especially if your last name was Grey. "But right now, they're not your home either."

She was starting to hear Derek's voice in her head.

_Lexie's your family._

She hadn't really believed him at first. Genetically, sure, but the rest of the story…

They were nothing alike, she and her sister, they were _nothing_ alike. They saw life in completely different ways. And yet, they both needed the same thing. They were essentially orphans who had tried to survive on their own and found out how cold and lonely the world could be. Meredith had made it because of Christina, because of Derek. But Lexie… Without George, who was going to watch out for her? It sure wasn't going to be Thatcher. And if she was seriously considering living with Steve... that was pretty bleak.

Meredith had been abandoned before, and no matter how much distance she wanted to keep between herself and her sister, no matter how much Lexie reminded her of the past, Meredith wasn't going to be the one to leave her behind. There was no way… _no way_ she could do that.

So this is where they had landed... on the winding path they'd been stumbling along, the one that had started the day that Lexie had appeared in her life... this is where they had landed. Meredith still couldn't see what lay around the next corner, how Lexie's presence might change her household, or how long her sister might stay. But maybe that was okay. Maybe it was okay to take a chance, to be surprised every once in awhile…

"We can be your home," Meredith finally made the offer, the one she'd been so unsure of when the evening had started. But now, she wasn't just talking about a space in the attic. "We can be your home, Lexie."

Lexie's expression changed instantly. She'd been so busy defending her classmates, her father, and all the other people who would probably fail her, that Meredith's statement caught her completely off guard. Her mouth opened a little and her gaze instantly fell to the floor. The tears came quickly. There was no way to hide them.

"It's not gonna be like you imagined." Meredith didn't want to raise her expectations too high. "I'm not the easiest person to live with, which you've probably guessed. And I'm still getting used to… whatever this is."

She gestured between herself and her sister.

"But I can try to be better. I will-" she amended. "I will be better."

The noise of the bar was still swirling around them, but there was also a strange, deafening silence. Meredith was waiting for some kind of response, but it was as if Lexie had gone mute. She didn't seem to know how to answer. After a long, long moment, she eventually looked up.

"You don't have to do that." She nearly choked on her words as she struggled to speak. "It's okay."

"I'm not doing this because I have to." Meredith needed to make that part clear. This wasn't her succumbing to pressure or holding up the white flag. This was a conscious decision.

"Lexie, I'm doing this because I want to."

A minute must have passed as Lexie studied her face, hoping against hope that she could trust Meredith. And then the smile came. Lexie was still crying, but for once, her tears weren't brought on by sadness or tragedy, they were brought on by relief, by a second chance at something she thought she had lost. Meredith just had to push her the rest of the way.

"Besides, I have most of your stuff in my attic right now." She played her last set of cards. Take that Intern Steve. "Plus, you seem like a neat freak and I bet you can cook."

"I can."

Lexie's entire body relaxed. Her eyes were shining through all of those tears. And her smile grew just a little bit wider.

"But I promise not to set your kitchen on fire."

The joke was unexpected and Meredith couldn't help but laugh.

There she was… there was Lexie. All the crap with her father, with the interns, with her angry resident, it still hadn't broken her. She was genuinely touched, happy even. And that made Meredith happy as well.

It was funny, they had essentially ended the party in the same way they had started it. The plans hadn't changed. Lexie was still moving in... indefinitely. But everything felt different now. Meredith felt different... This big shift in her household no longer scared her.

As it stood, things with Christina sucked, but they would eventually get better. And she and Derek… they were good. And now Lexie… Lexie was a part of her family, one of her people. Over a year had passed since they'd met. And in that time there had been highs and lows, yelling, lectures, and plenty of tears. But somehow Lexie had found a way into Meredith's home, into her life and into her heart.

And amazingly enough… Meredith was finally okay with that.

* * *

She'd been sleeping, dreaming actually. And Christina Yang didn't dream, not anymore. No, for the last few weeks it had been nothing but nightmares. She'd be in a plane, hurtling through the air, the wind in her face. Or she'd be wandering the forest, cold and alone. Or... worst of all, she'd be peeking under a huge piece of metal, trying desperately not to cry.

_I'll be right back..._

But tonight, tonight Christina had been happy. She'd fallen asleep to the sound of Owen's quiet breathing beside her. And she'd started dreaming. She couldn't really remember all of the details now, but the dream had been peaceful. For once, she hadn't been worried about the crash or her marriage. She hadn't thought about Meredith or all those patients who kept dying on her. She'd just been content.

And then the phone had rung.

Christina waved at Joe as she entered the bar. She was glad he had decided to call her. She wasn't sure how Derek would have taken it, being summoned to retrieve his drunken wife. It probably would have caused yet another issue between the couple and they'd already suffered enough as it was.

So yeah, it sucked to lose the sleep and whatever wonderful dream she'd been having. But this was for Meredith, for Meredith and the family she had left. And that made it worth it.

"Hey!"

Meredith gave her a huge smile as Christina approached. She had undoubtedly been enjoying the tequila tonight. Her eyes were all watery, so much so that her mascara was running.

"How many did she have?" Christina directed her question at Joe. Meredith pretended not to hear as she tossed back another shot. Her grin only widened as she wiped her mouth with the back of her sleeve.

"I don't know, sorry." Joe mopped up the counter around her. She'd evidently spilled at least one of her drinks. "I was training a new guy and she got away from us. He didn't know when to cut her off."

"Well, she's cut off now." Christina grabbed Meredith's purse, then took her by the elbow, easing her off of the stool. "Say goodnight to Joe."

"'Night Joe!"

Meredith waved goodbye, the tequila making her downright giddy. That wouldn't last long though. Nights like these rarely ended in smiles and laughter.

"Night," Joe called after them. But as Christina glanced back, their eyes met. His message was obvious.

_Good luck… _

And with that, the noise of the bar faded away. The warmth, the bright lights, all those conversations about nothing in particular… once they passed through the door that world ceased to exist.

Thankfully Meredith's feet were working. Still, Christina kept a hand on her back as she guided her friend out to the car. The rain was coming down with a vengeance and Christina quickly pulled up her hood. But Meredith couldn't have cared less. She tossed her head back and stared up at the sky as if daring the heavens to do their worst.

"Mer, come on."

Christina nudged her forward, forcing her to pick up the pace. They'd been in this situation before, a few times since the crash at least. And by now, they had a routine down. Meredith managed to roll into the passenger seat. Christina ran and hopped into the driver's side, then reached over to tug her friend's seatbelt into place.

They sat there in silence for a moment, as the rain continued to tap on the windshield. Normally they would have heard the other cars rushing by, heard the tires spinning across the wet pavement. But tonight, the city outside was quiet, empty. They were all alone.

"You want to go home?"

Christina shrugged out of her jacket then looked over at Meredith. Her friend hadn't moved. Her raincoat was dripping, her wet hair was plastered to her face. But none of it fazed her.

"Or you can come to my place," she offered. "Owen's asleep, he won't even notice."

The light in Meredith's eyes was gradually fading. The euphoria was gone, replaced by sadness. They hadn't hit despair yet, but they would before the night was through. Christina knew that from experience.

"Let's just drive," Meredith murmured. "Can we just drive for awhile?"

"Sure."

Christina started the car. The engine roared to life and she twisted the knob for the heater all the way up. She made sure the vents were pointed at Meredith then shifted into gear and pulled out of the parking lot. She wasn't sure where they were going... But the truth was that it really didn't matter.

"Do you think I was a good sister?"

Meredith spoke softly, her voice competing against the rhythmic thump of the wiper blades. Christina kept her eyes on the road. She could feel Meredith watching her.

"Sure." She wanted to sound casual, like this was everyday conversation. "Yeah, of course."

Meredith stared at her for another few seconds, then eventually turned away.

"Nice try."

Even with all of her alcohol consumption, she could still read Christina. "You're just saying that because I'm all weepy and tragic."

"You're not tragic," Christina cut in. She couldn't let Meredith say things like that. Because if that's how she saw herself then pretty soon, that's how the world would see her too.

"What happened was tragic. You…" She shot a quick glance at her friend. "You're a survivor. You survived the crash and you'll survive this too."

"You promise?"

Meredith shivered, then brushed the wet tendrils of hair from her eyes. Christina knew that she hated the cold now, hated how it brought them right back to the forest.

"I promise," she assured her. "I do, I promise."

Christina had been through this before. After the shooting, there had been moments when everything had felt normal. Even now, even after the accident, there were times when she still tried to page Lexie. There were times when she simply forgot. And that only made it worse when reality crashed in again. And obviously, reality was beating Meredith over the head tonight.

"I just don't know why I get to keep going." She was attempting to make sense of something so senseless. "I mean the ferry, the shooting… that stupid plane. Why do I get to keep going when everyone else around me is dying?"

"I don't know..."

Christina tilted her head just far enough to see Meredith again. Her friend was wet, exhausted, probably still traumatized. And she was gazing out the window into that blurry black void. She was retreating, right before Christina's eyes, sliding back into the dark and twisty soul she'd once been.

"Stop looking at me like that," Meredith muttered under her breath. "It's not like I'm gonna jump out into traffic."

"I never said you would-"

"Yeah, but you were thinking it."

Fine... she'd been caught. Meredith freaking out on her, it had certainly crossed Christina's mind, briefly, but still. This was one of those situations, one of those nightmares that could easily push her over the edge.

"It's just…" Meredith leaned back in her seat, finally tearing her gaze away from the darkness. "Lexie was the good one. She was like George, just… good. But I liked George. I was _nice_ to George."

"You were nice to Lexie too."

"No, I wasn't, not really."

Christina wasn't going to debate that with her. There was no point. The evidence could support both sides of the argument.

"Lexie was your family," she said simply. "Family, blood, it's complicated. It's messy."

And Meredith's was actually messier than most. Her family was a patchwork quilt of co-workers, roommates, friends... and Lexie. She was the one person Meredith hadn't actually chosen to be in her life. They'd just been forced together. And maybe that's why this was so much harder. Because even after all of her early mistakes, even with all of that misplaced resentment, Meredith had found a way to love her sister. So in the end... she'd basically brought this pain on herself.

"I see her."

The words were so quiet, so, so quiet that Christina could've sworn she'd imagined them. But no, she hadn't... because Meredith was still speaking, her voice barely above a whisper.

"I see her. I see Lexie."

Christina took a breath and carefully pushed her foot on the brake. Gradually, the car came to a stop. She switched off the wipers, shifted back into park. Nobody else was on the streets anyway.

"What do you mean you see Lexie?" She kept her hands on the wheel, an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of her stomach. "Like in a glowy, 'she'll always be in your heart' sort of way?"

"No," Meredith hesitated, but now that she'd said it, she couldn't take it back. "Like in a 'we talk every night and sometimes she plays the trombone' sort of way."

_Plays the trombone? _ Christina shifted in her seat. What the hell was Meredith talking about?

"Don't ask," she mumbled.

But now Christina was growing concerned. When her friends saw dead people, it didn't turn out well. She'd heard about Meredith and the ferry accident… and Izzie. God, Izzie.

"It's not a brain tumor." Meredith was apparently reading her mind, or maybe just the horrified expression on her face. "I had Alex check."

"Alex, really?"

Christina would rather have checked for herself. This wasn't something she wanted to leave to Karev of all people. But Meredith just waved her off.

"It's not a brain tumor."

"Mer-"

"It's not."

Christina pressed her lips together, swallowing her frustration. She'd just have to take Meredith's word for it. She didn't have a choice here. As it was, her friend was staring out the window again, lost in thought… or maybe just lost. It was hard to tell.

"Have you told Dr. Wyatt yet?"

She knew that Meredith had been seeing her therapist more and more since the crash. But Meredith just shook her head. Whatever they were discussing, it didn't include her secret visits with Lexie.

"Meredith, you need to tell her."

"I can't," she said helplessly. "I can't do that."

"Why not?" Christina imagined what Dr. Wyatt would say, how she'd react to this latest bit of news. "This is the kind of thing that therapists live for. It's your symptom. We get excited when someone has chest pains-"

"I don't get excited about that."

"Meredith, everyone gets excited about that."

Even with this troubling conversation, Christina wasn't going to let her deny it.

"We're surgeons, it's who we are. And therapists, they get excited when-"

"When what?" Meredith turned to look at her. "When I see my dead little sister wandering around my house at night?"

"Yes."

The pity card wasn't in play here. Meredith wasn't going to scare her off of this topic, not now. This was far too important.

"You're in the woods, Mer." She had to give it to her straight. That was the only way her friend would listen. "You're in the woods and you're trying to find your way back. And surgical boards are making you cry. And you're having Alex Karev check you for brain tumors."

"But Alex knows what he's doing."

"That's not the point."

Christina gripped the steering wheel tighter, eager to keep her apprehension in check.

"The point is…"

She needed a gentler hand here, a softer tone… because Meredith was starting to crumble. She was falling apart, her feet pulled up on the seat, her lower lip beginning to tremble. And Christina had no idea what to do.

"The point is, you need to tell Dr. Wyatt about this."

"Christina, I can't."

She didn't sound defiant, just sad, always, always sad.

"Why not?" They'd both gone to therapy before. There was no shame in it, especially now. "Why can't you just tell her?"

Meredith swallowed.

"Because…"

The pain was so apparent, in her expression, in her tone. She rested her head against the window and squeezed her eyes closed, struggling to shut out the rest of the world.

"If I tell her…" Meredith took a deep breath. Her defense mechanisms were gone. And all of her walls had finally collapsed. "If I tell Dr. Wyatt… then she'll make me stop seeing Lexie."

She slowly opened her eyes, allowing a few stray tears to spill down her cheeks.

"And I don't want to stop seeing her."

Christina's entire body was suddenly warm. A lump began to rise in her throat as she looked down. It was like being hit by a wave, but not the kind you saw coming… more like the kind that swept in from behind, when you least expected it. It caught you off guard, tossed you around. It just hurt, everything hurt. And you couldn't figure out which direction was up, which way would bring you back to the surface.

_I don't want to stop seeing her…_

All these weeks… Meredith had been holding on all this time, fighting to save a loved one she'd already lost. She was desperate to keep Lexie alive somewhere, even if it was only in her mind. The locker, the boxes in the attic… She wanted the world to remember. And so she couldn't let go. She wouldn't let go.

And now they were here, sitting in silence in the middle of the city... with nowhere left to go, nowhere left to hide. Meredith's heart was exposed. Worse yet, it was breaking.

Christina reached over and took her friend's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. Outside the rain continued to fall.

"You're a good sister."

Her voice shook as she said the words Meredith needed to hear. And this time she meant them. She meant them with every fiber of her being. Five years ago, no one would've ever believed it. But now it was obvious. Meredith would never give up on Lexie, would never, ever let her memory die. Thatcher could claim every one of her boxes, the entire hospital could simply move on. But Meredith wouldn't, not really…

"You are a _good _sister," Christina said it again, hoping that the idea would finally sink in. "So no matter what happens, you don't ever doubt that."

She leaned in closer, her own eyes filling with tears.

"You don't ever have to doubt that, Meredith Grey."

* * *

**Thanks for reading everyone! This is one of those chapters I saw in my head really early on. Lexie's move into Meredith's house was never really explored on the show. One moment, Meredith was trying to distance herself, the next Lexie was living with her. So I wanted to get into that a little. I also wanted Meredith to tell someone about Lexie. I know some of you were probably lobbying for Derek to find out, but this just made more sense to me. I enjoyed the image of Christina and Meredith out in the middle of nowhere sharing this big secret. Plus there are other things coming up for Derek eventually.**

**But next up, we'll finally see Mark! I'll try and update again soon. And as always… please review if you can. I'd be so thankful… :)**


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter Seventeen**

"_It was nice to see you sticking up for your sister." –Derek Shepherd_

* * *

Arizona Robbins felt incredibly weird.

It wasn't the achiness of her still healing body or the fact that her slightly stilted walk caused the children to stare. It wasn't even the sea of smiling faces, some of which she barely recognized.

No, it was the cake. The chocolate cake with the vanilla frosting and the cute, colorful little flowers. The words "Welcome Back!" were scrawled across it. And all she could think of was how stupid that was. It was a sweet sentiment, but still... cakes were for birthdays and graduations. They weren't for surviving plane crashes and hobbling back to work on one good leg.

"You look great!"

A hand brushed her shoulder. It was one of the nurses from radiology, a woman whose name she couldn't even remember. It was funny how a tragedy had suddenly made her so popular. Everyone felt the urge to say something, to touch her like she was good luck, when honestly she felt like exactly the opposite.

"Thanks," she said quietly. But the woman was already gone.

The doctor's lounge was filling up fast. People in scrubs were appearing out of nowhere, grabbing a piece of cake, giving a wave. She waved back to as many of them as she could. But now she was tired. She glanced around, searching for an open chair. When she finally found one, she sucked in her breath. It was right next to Meredith Grey.

Crap... No wonder it was empty. No one wanted to sit next to the only Grey left, especially in the middle of a celebration. But the truth was, she felt more comfortable with Meredith than almost anyone else in the room. It was like they were both part of a club. Thankfully, there weren't many members… Arizona sighed at the thought. Well she wouldn't have minded one more, that one they'd lost out there in the forest.

It was all so horrible, the memories, the readjustment. And even though she'd come out physically intact, everyone knew that Meredith had taken the worst hit of all. You could see it just by looking at her. Her hair was pulled back into a haphazard ponytail, making the dark circles under her eyes all the more visible. And she'd barely bothered with her makeup this morning. She was just sitting there, staring at a piece of cake someone had handed her. It was as if she'd reached a new level of exhaustion. And still she showed up day after day. She was back on a normal work schedule, even if nothing else in her life felt normal anymore. Arizona understood. God, how she understood…

She slowly started towards the chair, gingerly dragging her bad leg behind her. She'd be safe next to Meredith, she knew. People would stop approaching, stop offering useless platitudes and pats on the back. And maybe it would be better for Meredith as well, to have a companion over there in the corner. Arizona urged her half working limb to move faster. She had to get to that chair now, before someone else stopped her, before some other well-meaning person asked-

"What are you doing?"

Arizona froze. It was Callie. Callie had spotted her and was rushing to her side as if she might collapse at any second.

"Are you okay?"

She reached out a steadying hand. Arizona shrugged out of her grasp, hoping that the gesture wasn't too obvious. While she appreciated her wife's concern, the constant hovering was getting old.

"I just wanted to sit down for a second."

"Are you tired?" Callie asked quickly. "Is this too much? Maybe we should have waited-"

"No, I'm fine," Arizona assured her, nodding towards the empty chair. "I just want to sit. Just for a few minutes then I'll be good as new, I promise."

Callie followed her gaze and suddenly realized where she was heading.

"Oh..." she hesitated. There was no mistaking her expression... dread with just a hint of fear. "Okay. That's... I mean, sure, if you need to sit..."

Arizona recognized the problem immediately. It was Meredith, of course. Yes, she made many people uncomfortable now, but the fact was that she flat out terrified Callie. It wasn't as if Callie didn't like the poor, tortured doctor anymore. And she'd certainly forgiven her for coming out unscathed while Arizona fought through weeks of rehab. But the pain and sadness that surrounded Meredith... Callie wasn't sure how to handle it. She seemed to think that it might infect Arizona somehow, that it might break her spirit just when she was finally reclaiming her life.

"But I can grab you another chair," Callie spoke up again, attempting to head off this perceived disaster. "Something with a little more support."

"It's fine. I'll be fine." Arizona plastered on a reassuring smile. She was pulling out the big guns here, grinning like an idiot in a room full of people she barely knew. "Go enjoy the party."

"But this party's for you," Callie reminded her. "All of this, it's for you."

"And I appreciate it, I really do," Arizona ducked her head, hoping to avoid any further attention from the crowd. "But I just need a moment, okay? This whole thing… it's just a little overwhelming."

Callie stared at her in disbelief. Even with all the festivities, Arizona desired nothing more than to sit quietly… next to Meredith Grey. And maybe, in a way, Callie was jealous. It was a little twisted of course, but Meredith understood something that she never could.

"Okay," Callie said finally.

She struggled to appear casual, like none of this bothered her, but Arizona could see it, the tiniest bit of hurt in her eyes.

"I'll just..." She spun around, hunting for a job she could do. Gradually she seized upon the stack of red cups, sitting empty on the table. She hooked her thumb in their direction.

"I'll just make sure we have enough drinks."

"Great, thanks." Arizona felt a wave of relief. Callie just needed something to do, something to distract her and then she'd be fine.

"Oh and can you keep Kepner away from the caffeine?"

She reached out and took her wife's hand. At least this way, Callie would feel like she was doing something for her, something Arizona had actually requested.

"She's working with me today. And you know how she can get a little bit hyper."

"I am well aware." A smirk gradually appeared on her face. Callie had actually grown to like April, but it was a well-known fact that the hyper version of her was a tad irritating. "No caffeine for Kepner. I think I can handle that."

"Your efforts are very much appreciated."

Arizona gave her a kiss on the cheek, squeezed her fingers then finally released them. Already Callie was searching for April, eager to fulfill her duty.

"I got this," she said again. "You go rest."

And with that, she moved away, crossing the room in a couple quick steps. Pretty soon she was pouring drinks, chatting with one of the doctors as she kept a careful eye on April. Another second passed and she laughed. That was all Arizona needed to see. Callie was happy, caught up in a world that didn't include plane crashes or handholding or physical therapy.

Arizona finally smiled... for real this time, then turned and headed for the vacant chair. Her progress was slow and painstaking, but it felt good to make the short trip without help. Eventually, Meredith caught sight of her and managed a smile of her own.

"Hey, no more crutches." She seemed rather proud. "Callie thought it would be another few weeks."

"Not if I could help it."

Arizona carefully lowered herself down next to Meredith, gritting her teeth as she folded her body into position. She still hadn't gotten used to that, the pain that came with the simplest movements.

"I hope this chair wasn't taken, because I'm not getting up from it anytime soon."

"It's all yours," Meredith reassured her. She was at least attempting to be in good spirits. "If anyone tries to take it, I promise to look especially pathetic on your behalf."

"Deal."

There it was again, that weird little bond they'd developed. Being in pain, nearly freezing to death together… Before the crash, she could barely remember the last time she had talked to Meredith. But now… now they were almost friends.

"So how are you feeling?"

Most people asked this question automatically, but Meredith seemed genuinely interested.

"Must be nice to be able to get around on your own again."

"Yeah, definitely." Arizona nodded. "I mean the PT... the PT totally sucks though."

She wasn't going to lie about that part. Besides, Meredith already had a window into that world. She'd seen what had happened to Derek.

"Yeah, I bet." Meredith wiped some of the frosting off of her fork, trying as she might to get a bite of cake that wasn't covered in goop. "But at least you have Callie. It can't hurt being married to an orthopedic surgeon."

"No," Arizona leaned back in her chair and regarded her wife across the room. Amazing, beautiful Callie, she'd been with her twenty-four-seven lately. It was sweet... and maybe a tad suffocating.

"She's been really great." Arizona went for the positive spin. "She's been doing all the housework, plus taking care of Sophia. And she's got this crazy schedule worked out for me, with my doctor's appointments and exercises and, you know, naps. She's been... wonderful."

Meredith laughed.

"Is that code for 'pushy?'"

Arizona fought to suppress a grin. Meredith had hit the nail squarely on the head. She'd cut right through Arizona's BS, turned her positive spin upside down.

"Maybe a little," she confessed. What the hell... if there was anyone she could be honest with, it was Meredith. She rolled her eyes and continued on.

"Callie's just, she's got that whole cheerleading thing going on. And I know the routine perfectly, because I do it too, all the time with my patients. I even did it with her when she got hurt."

"Yeah, the whole, keep going, keep moving forward…" Meredith recited all the right words. "Keep fighting through the pain."

"Don't look back…"

Arizona sighed. She hated that one most of all. And from the expression on her face, she could tell that Meredith hated it too. What a stupid thing to say. Not looking back… that was impossible. There were so many daily reminders of the crash. You couldn't just ignore them.

"They do it out of love," Arizona had been telling herself that for awhile now. "And because they can't think of anything else to say to us."

She knew how helpless Callie must feel. And Alex Karev, the guilt was practically eating him alive. Arizona had taken his spot on the plane and he couldn't seem to forgive himself for that.

"God, it just sucks, doesn't it?" she exhaled, wishing she could let go of all of that ugliness. "It really, really sucks."

It was the understatement of the year, but there were no better words. And as her eyes darted around, taking in the celebratory atmosphere, she only felt worse. All these happy, cheery people nudging her forward, wanting her to focus on the future when so many others were still hurting...

"How's Mark?"

Meredith looked at her with some trepidation. She hadn't asked about him in a long time, mostly because she always got the same answer. Mark was lost, Mark was destroyed, Mark was broken…

"Mark is…" Arizona searched for another way to put it, one that wouldn't compound the pain. Because as broken as Mark was, she was pretty sure that Meredith was broken as well.

Arizona glanced down at her hands. But there was no answer forthcoming. So she went with what felt right, what felt honest.

"He loved her."

It was obvious to everyone now, but she still felt the need to say it out loud.

"I mean, he _really_ loved her. I don't even think he realized how much. None of us did."

Meredith pretended to be preoccupied with her cake again, pushing all that frosting around with her fork.

"I mean, I'm sure Lexie did," Arizona added quickly. "In the… in the end."

She tucked her hair behind her ears, wishing that last sentence would stop echoing in her head. She shouldn't have said that. But Meredith didn't appear to be visibly injured by her words. If anything, she seemed to appreciate them.

"Lexie would've known," she said softly. "Mark would've made sure she knew."

Arizona realized that Meredith was the one person she could actually talk to about this. Callie wouldn't listen. She didn't want to hear about how badly Mark was hurting. She was too busy worrying about her wife and taking care of their daughter. But Mark needed someone who understood. And Meredith, Meredith understood better than any of them.

"I'm afraid this is going to destroy him," Arizona admitted. "If he's not over at our house with Sophia, then he's just sitting alone in his apartment. He just stares off into space."

"I know Derek tried to talk to him," Meredith said quietly. "He's tried a few times."

"Everyone's tried," Arizona felt so powerless when they were together. "But he's just… I mean even when he plays with Sophia his eyes, they don't light up anymore. How is that possible? I mean have you seen Sophia? She's adorable."

"She is."

"So how can his eyes not light up?" Arizona just couldn't grasp that. "How can she not make him want to live, even without Lexie?"

Meredith just shook her head, her gaze still locked on that ridiculously colorful cake.

"Maybe he just needs time," she murmured.

"Is that working for you?"

Arizona knew she shouldn't ask. But she had to. She had to know if there was any hope of Mark ever returning to normal. She understood death and grieving, but this, this was different. They'd literally watched Lexie die right in front of them.

"I know that sounds really, really insensitive," she continued. "And I know it's none of my business-"

"It's just hard," Meredith slowly lifted her head. "And I don't know if anything works any more. I mean time passes…"

She fiddled with her fork.

"It keeps passing, but I still forget that she's not coming down for breakfast. And I'm still surprised when I don't see her car in the driveway."

Arizona bit her lip, a pang of sadness stabbing at her. Wow, she'd almost forgotten... For her the crash had been hard, yes, but there were other things in her past that hurt a lot more. And Meredith had just hit upon one of them.

"That part, that part will eventually go away," Arizona explained gently. "Mostly, it'll go away."

"You stop looking?"

"You stop expecting."

It was one of the toughest things about the process. Arizona could remember that transition now, the finality of it.

"When I lost my brother…"

She hated to say those words, but she forced herself to go on anyway.

"After I lost him… I'd still jump up every time my computer dinged with an email. And for the longest time I expected him to call. But I don't anymore. Now… now I just miss him."

That was a dull ache, one that came and went.

"And I remember him. And sometimes I laugh about stuff we used to do, I mean silly, ridiculous stuff."

The corners of Meredith's mouth turned upward. Surely, she must have had similar memories with her sister.

"And sometimes I just cry," Arizona went on. "I cry when I think about what he'd be doing now or the parts of my life he never got to see. But mostly, mostly I'm just thankful that he was ever here in the first place, you know?"

"Yeah," Meredith tapped her fork on her plate, staring at all of those stupid swirls of frosting. "That part I do know."

She finally took a bite of the cake and almost immediately winced at the sweetness. Thankfully by this point, Callie had put out fresh cups of water. Arizona grabbed one from a nearby cart and handed it over.

"You should talk to Mark." She decided to say it now, before Meredith could object. "You're the only person in his life who was closer to Lexie."

Meredith took a couple long sips then set both the cup and her plate aside. Arizona could sense her hesitation, her uneasiness at this idea.

"You forget, I didn't even want them together at first."

"Nobody's forgotten that." Arizona smiled a little, remembering the drama that Mark and Lexie's pairing had caused. "But I can't think of anyone who'd want their baby sister dating Mark Sloan… at least not the Mark Sloan he used to be."

Meredith's eyes widened in apparent agreement. Mark's reputation, even so many years later, was still well known.

"But she changed him." Arizona had witnessed it personally. "Lexie really did change him. He suddenly wanted to be better at everything. I mean thank god for that, he's the father of my kid. And he's a damn good one. Lexie was a huge part of that."

"Maybe…" Meredith conceded her point. "But now, now everyone keeps acting like they're soul mates, or were soul mates, or whatever."

She was struggling to wrap her mind around that. Her sister had broken up with Mark twice, and yet somehow she had died holding his hand. Fate certainly had cruel sense of humor.

"Do you even believe in that?" she asked . "That people have soul mates?"

Arizona thought about Callie, about how much she loved her, how much she'd longed to get back to her when they were out in that forest.

"I kind of do," Arizona felt it, deep in her heart. "I really… I think I do."

"But look where it got them."

Meredith's mind was still back on her sister and the man who was grieving her. And now the bitterness was creeping into her voice. Arizona couldn't blame her for that. It was an awful situation. Lexie and Mark had finally been on the brink of happiness, only to have it stolen away from them.

"Maybe I should've stepped it sooner," Meredith stared off into the crowd. "Instead of waiting for Derek… I could have talked to her on my own."

"You wouldn't have been able to stop it." Arizona knew that for a fact. "There's no way."

Mark and Lexie had fit together from the beginning. There had been complications all along the way, other relationships, kids that kept popping up. They'd fought and cried and worked hard to move on with their lives. But they'd always found their way back to each other… just as they had in the forest. It didn't matter that she was too young, that he was… who he was.

"They were in love," Arizona stated the painful, but obvious truth. "Even when they didn't see it, we all saw it. We all knew."

Meredith nodded, thinking back on a relationship she'd tried to end before it had even begun. Maybe she'd been the first one to recognize what was happening, maybe that was the part that had scared her the most. Because love, while glorious and amazing, could also be heartbreaking and cruel. And that was the side of the coin they had landed on.

Meredith simply sighed.

"They were in love."

* * *

"Where the hell am I?"

Meredith turned as she heard Mark's voice behind her. Apparently, Alex had left the front door open and now their guests were just streaming inside… guests that included Mark Sloan of all people. She wasn't sure who had invited him, but she was suddenly glad that Derek had taken a break from tonight's festivities. She wasn't ready for another all out brawl.

If Mark was concerned about seeing his old friend then he wasn't showing it. The cuts and bruises from their fight had started to heal and he carried a bottle of wine in one hand and a gift in the other. Even so, he wasn't prepared for what he'd walked into.

"Seriously, what happened to this place?"

Meredith sighed as she glanced around in dismay.

"Welcome to my home…"

At this point, it was barely recognizable. The streamers and banners were one thing, the rest of it… well that was a little harder to explain. Actually, maybe it wasn't… because she could pretty much sum up the transformation in a single sentence.

"Izzie helped with the planning."

Mark smirked.

"You left Stevens in charge?"

"Yeah," Meredith tried not to look as embarrassed as she currently felt. "Yeah, I did."

That had been her first mistake, letting her over eager friend jump into all this. Party planning was like catnip to Izzie. She adored it, couldn't get enough of it. And she'd proven that yet again… all over Meredith's house.

There had to be at least five tables of food spread out through the living room. And she'd obviously contacted some type of party business. Two men in grimy uniforms had showed up at 8pm sharp. Meredith hadn't even had time to protest before Izzie had ushered them inside. Pretty soon they'd started wheeling in old arcade games… then a cotton candy machine, a popcorn machine and an air hockey table.

"Is this your grand plan to break us up?" Mark was only half joking as he surveyed the scene. "You're trying to remind me how much younger she is?"

Meredith perked up a little.

"If I was, would it change anything?"

Mark shook his head.

"Not at all."

Their conversation was apparently done, because now he'd spotted the guest of honor. He handed Meredith the bottle of wine, then pushed his way farther into the room. Lexie was over in the corner, waiting her turn at the air hockey table. Two was facing off with Four in some epic battle. And now ten people were screaming as the puck slammed into the goal. In the midst of all that, Mark gently took Lexie's hand. Her face instantly lit up when she saw him.

"Hey…"

She was all breathless and adorable. Meredith wasn't exactly thrilled about this relationship, but still… she was glad to see Lexie smiling, even if Mark Sloan was the reason for that.

"Hey, birthday girl."

He leaned in for a kiss and Meredith hurriedly averted her eyes. Being happy for her sister was one thing, but watching Mark and her… ugh, it made her stomach turn. She'd get over it soon enough, but she definitely hadn't gotten there yet.

And now, here came Izzie… She was impossible to miss, bouncing across the room, grinning like a little kid. She clapped her hands together as she stopped next to Meredith.

"Soooo, what do you think?" she asked cheerfully. She was way too excited about this. It was almost scary.

"I think I'm about to have a very large bill." Meredith gave her a tight smile, the kind that usually made people step back. "Alex told me to expect a bounce house later tonight."

Izzie's grin widened.

"Yeah, in a couple of hours."

Meredith bit the inside of her cheek, if only to keep her jaw from dropping. Crap… she'd assumed that Alex was kidding. What the hell had possessed her to put Izzie in charge anyway? Had she gone momentarily insane? But Izzie… bless her heart, didn't seem to register Meredith's concern. She was still too high on her bounce house idea.

"I figured once everyone gets tired of being inside, we'll put it out on the driveway," she explained. "By then, the ice cream truck should arrive. And it'll be way easier to kick everyone out when we need to clean up."

"Oh my god," Meredith's eyes widened in absolute horror. Izzie often went over the top, but this was extreme, even for her. "Did you just max out my credit card?"

"No." Izzie scoffed, taking down the glee a notch. "No, I would never-"

"You totally did." Meredith couldn't believe it. Beyond everything else, Izzie was a terrible liar. "You totally, totally did."

"Okay," she amended. "It is _possible_-"

"Izzie, what the hell? You brought the entire freakin' circus to town."

"Hey, you know what?" Izzie put her hands on her hips. "A person only has so many birthdays. We both know that, we see it everyday at the hospital. Besides, you told me to make it special."

"No, I didn't."

"Yes, you did."

"Izzie…" Meredith arched an eyebrow. She was reaching new levels of exasperation. "I told you I didn't have time to plan it myself. And then you volunteered."

"So what, you didn't want me to make it special?" Izzie pursed her lips like a disappointed parent. When it came to guilt trips, she was still the reigning queen.

"Lexie is your little sister, Mer. I mean really."

Meredith rolled her eyes, but Izzie plowed right ahead with all the righteous indignation she could muster.

"You gave me your credit card, remember? And then you told me to make an awesome party and I did. I did this for you and you can't even say thanks."

"You did it for me?" Meredith was incredulous. She gestured around the room, to the beeping games and tables of food. "You're saying you did all this as a favor to _me_?"

"Yes, I did." Izzie lowered her voice to a whisper. Her expression had turned sympathetic, which was all the more maddening. "We all know you feel like crap because you used to treat Lexie like crap-"

"I did _not _treat Lexie like crap!" Meredith hissed.

She grabbed Izzie's arm and yanked her closer to the wall. Sure, she hadn't been a perfect big sister, but that didn't warrant such a gross exaggeration.

"Hey, I think it's great that you're trying to make up for it now." Izzie had apparently stopped listening. She was too busy being pleased with herself. "And you've clearly succeeded, because this party is a-mazing. We have totally out done ourselves."

_We?_ Meredith didn't know whether to be impressed that her friend was sharing the credit or annoyed that she was dividing the blame.

"Izzie, I've got a man making cotton candy in my kitchen." Meredith might have found that funny, if she wasn't calculating his pay in her head. "Don't you think a simple dinner party would have been more appropriate?"

"Oh come on," Izzie protested. "She's having fun. Seriously, look at that girl."

She gestured towards Lexie, their happy-go-lucky young roommate… who was currently making out with Mark Sloan. Meredith groaned and covered her eyes again.

"You invited him, didn't you?"

"Of course I did." Izzie made no effort to hide it. "It's her birthday and he makes her happy."

"The guy who got into a fist fight with my boyfriend?"

"_Her_ birthday Mer, not yours." Izzie gave her a patient pat on the shoulder, then reached down and slid her phone out of her pocket. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to call a man about a bounce house."

Meredith wrinkled her nose.

"So that part's non-negotiable?"

Izzie smiled, never even lifting her eyes from her phone.

"Damn right it is."

She was off before Meredith could say any more, dodging streamers and balloons as she crossed to the doorway. Meredith was beginning to wonder if this party was for Lexie or Izzie. In the end, it probably didn't matter that much. They were both having fun. And that's what she should be doing… All of this craziness was already bought and soon to be paid for. So why couldn't she just have a good time?

She turned back towards Lexie… and saw the problem immediately. It was Mark... Mark Sloan with the man-whore history and the trail of broken hearts that circled Seattle. How the hell could she enjoy this party knowing that he was the man Lexie had chosen to date? Her sister was young, sweet and Mark was… neither of those things.

"You ready?"

He was standing behind her now as she stepped up to the air hockey table. The game began and the crowd around them started to cheer.

"Come on, Lex!" Mark was the loudest of them all. "You got this, Little Grey!"

The puck darted across the table and Lexie watched it carefully, waiting, waiting… and then bam. She shot her hand out and hit it perfectly. It zigzagged once, sliding right past Steve's paddle and into the goal.

"Whoohoo!"

She jumped into the air, pumping one fist towards the ceiling. Meredith couldn't help but laugh at her little sister's utter joy. It was air hockey for godsake. And Lexie was grinning like she'd just stepped out of her first solo surgery.

"That's how you do it!"

Mark hi-fived her and Meredith's smile instantly vanished. That man would likely be in her attic tonight. Hell, he might even be in her kitchen tomorrow, exchanging tense glances with Derek. Just the thought of it made her head hurt. All of that drama, for what? In a few weeks, maybe a couple of months, he'd be gone. And Lexie, sensitive soul that she was, would be holed up somewhere crying, wondering what the hell had just happened.

"Alright Lexie, take him out!"

Mark wedged himself in beside her, appearing even older among all of those interns. Meredith slowly made her way towards them. She knew that she shouldn't interfere. Lexie was an adult and she was completely aware of his history. But she was blinded by love… and that McSteamy grin.

"Mark…"

It took her a moment to get his attention. He clearly didn't want to leave Lexie's side. But she was concentrating on the puck again, too wrapped up in the game to even notice his absence. And so, after a few more seconds, he slid out of the crowd and headed for Meredith.

"She's pretty good at this."

He shot Meredith his trademark smile as he nodded at Lexie. Meredith didn't bother to smile back.

"What are you doing, Mark?" She kept her voice down as they huddled in the corner. "And this is one of those times that you'd better be straight with me."

"Intense, I like it," he teased, his big blue eyes sparkling with amusement. "And for the record, I was cheering her on."

"That's not what I meant and you know it," she said firmly. She wasn't going to let him charm his way out of this. That kind of crap didn't work with her, certainly not in this situation.

"You've slept with half the women in our hospital-"

He started to protest but she held up her hand.

"And I'm not gonna judge," she insisted. "I realize that I have no room to judge, believe me. We all have a past. But that's my sister, my _little_ sister-"

"I am fully aware of that." He crossed his arms in front of him. "Derek made sure I got that message loud and clear."

He was referring of course, to their scuffle, to the role that she had played in it. Derek had his own reasons for going after his friend, but in some ways Meredith had set it all into motion. She'd been the first one to object to any sort of relationship between Lexie and Mark.

"But I care about her." He'd wisely dropped the playful grin, attempting instead to show a little sincerity. "I do, I care about her."

"Oh really?" Meredith had to fight to keep from rolling her eyes. "You care about her as a person? You care about her hopes and dreams and all those crazy goals she sets for herself? Because that's the kind of girl she is, Mark. She stares up at the stars and smiles all the time-"

"You're mocking her."

"I am not mocking her," Meredith bristled.

It had taken her a long time to warm up to Lexie's more innocent qualities. But she'd learned to appreciate them. And now, more than anything, she wanted to protect them.

"Lexie is who she is." Meredith took a step closer to him. She was attempting to keep her expression neutral, aware that her sister could look over at any moment. "She's kind and caring and you'd better see that. Because if you don't, if all you're searching for is some new, young fling-"

"That's not what this is," Mark assured her. "That's not it at all."

"You're sure about that?"

"Yes, I am." He stood his ground, a flicker of annoyance crossing that oh-so handsome face. "Look, she came to me. I didn't pursue her. Hell, I tried to stay away from her. I worked, very, _very_ hard to stay away from her. But she's, she's Lexie."

He softened a bit as he glanced back at the girl he'd dubbed Little Grey. Lexie was busy celebrating yet another goal. She was trying her best to trash talk with Steve, but even that came off as endearing.

"This isn't just a fling." Mark shifted his gaze to Meredith, that brief flash of irritation already gone. It was obvious that her opinion mattered to him.

"We do talk, a lot," he explained. "And yes, we discuss her hopes and dreams. We talk about the surgeries she wants to learn. And we talk about how much she likes living here, about the breakfasts Stevens makes and your morning carpool and-"

"Our morning carpool?"

Meredith had to stop him right there, because in all the time Lexie had been living with them, she'd never mentioned their long drive to work. There was nothing interesting about it. It was mostly just Alex teasing Izzie, or Meredith and Izzie fighting over the radio or Derek fixing his hair in the mirror… okay that part was funny.

"She said it reminded her of road trips with her family," Mark clarified. "You know, piling into the car, bickering over who gets the front seat. Stopping for donuts. It's stupid little stuff, but it makes her happy."

Meredith nodded. She could see that actually, now that he mentioned it. Lexie was always the quiet one on their rides to the hospital, the one who stared out the window or fell asleep on whoever happened to sit next to her. But there was always the tiniest smile on her face, like the whole thing amused her.

"You really do listen." Meredith couldn't quite hide her surprise. Apparently there was another dimension to Mark Sloan, something deeper than what she saw on the surface.

"I told you, I care about her," Mark's voice was soft but decisive. "She's important to me. So yes, I pay attention and yes, I listen when she talks. I just want to know her better."

He was being honest, she could tell. Wonderfully, amazingly honest. But that didn't change the facts, and it only made a small dent in her long list of concerns about their relationship.

"Mark, she's turning 25 today," Meredith reminded him. "And you… you're quite a ways past that."

"So what?" Mark wasn't nearly as bothered by this as the rest of the world. "Lexie might be sweet. And she might be young, but she's not immature, not on the important stuff."

"Yes, but _you're_ immature," Meredith pointed out. "You're one of the most immature people I know."

Mark let that statement sink in for a second, let Meredith hear her own words in her head. It was as if she'd just summed up his entire argument, before he'd even had the chance to make it.

"Exactly." He finally dared to smile once more. "So it works. We balance each other out."

Meredith opened her mouth then closed it again. In a way he was right... even though it killed her to admit it. Lexie was actually the more mature one in the relationship. She'd learned to handle a lot after her mother died. And Mark, Mark had proven on numerous occasions, that he still had the mentality of a goofy new intern. It seemed like somehow they could meet in the middle.

"Look, I get that Derek's pissed at me," Mark dug his hands deep into his pockets, hiding the scrapes he still had on his knuckles. "And the truth is, I think he's being a pompous ass. He was my best friend and he should know me better. He should trust me when I tell him I've changed. But you, you don't have a reason to trust me, not yet. So I get that."

Meredith felt her own resolve weakening. There was something about his tone, about the way he kept stealing glances at Lexie…

"Then give me a reason to trust you."

If she was wrong about him, about his intentions, then she had to find out, here and now. The last thing she wanted was to stand in the way of Lexie's happiness.

"Give me something I can go on, Mark."

Mark took a deep breath, collected his thoughts. And more and more Meredith was starting to see it, how this weird relationship might actually work.

"Lexie's special." He chose his words carefully. "Lexie is really, _really_ special. And even though she doesn't need me to take care of her, and she doesn't-"

He spoke with total conviction.

"I know that. She doesn't need me or any other guy to take care of her... But I still want to. I want to be there for her and I want to be a better person for her. And I want to give her everything she could ever ask for."

Mark leveled his gaze at Meredith, his voice crystal clear.

"This isn't just a fling," he said firmly. "At least not for me."

He truly believed that, she could tell. He'd risked his friendships, his career, his relationships with his co-workers… But Lexie was taking a big risk too, whether she knew it or not… And that still scared Meredith… a lot.

"You'd better not hurt her."

The warning held no animosity, but she had to say it nonetheless. How could she not? After all, this was her family they were talking about.

"I swear to you, Mark," Meredith took him by the shoulders, looked him straight in the eyes. "You had better be perfect. You had better be that stand up guy every girl dreams about, the kind we don't really think exists, but secretly keep hoping for anyway. You had better be him."

"I will," he promised. "For her, I can absolutely be that guy."

"You had better be," she said it once more, just so he heard her. "Because if you're not, if you go and break my sister's heart…"

She left the sentence hanging, but Mark was undaunted.

"Trust me Meredith…"

He glanced over at Lexie again, the sweet, happy girl he adored. And that's when Meredith recognized it... love. He really did love her. He loved her more than Addison, more than himself. He was already planning his life with Lexie, envisioning some future he'd never imagined with anyone else.

"I won't break her heart," he murmured. A smile played across his face as he listened to her laugh. He was head over heels...

"If anything, she'll be the one breaking mine."

* * *

**Well there you go... finally Mark Sloan enters the story! I know a lot of you have been looking for him. I hope it was worth the wait. And yes, the next chapter will visit present day Mark... :)**

**Sorry it's taken me a little longer to update. The holidays are keeping me plenty busy. But just when I start to wonder how I'll ever get back to this story, I get another review and it pushes me forward. So thanks so much for writing those and reminding me that someone out there is waiting to hear what comes next. :) As always, if you get a chance, let me know what you think, favorite scenes, chapters, characters, storylines etc. I love to hear it all! I've been told a lot of people were disappointed by the episode where Meredith is supposed to be grieving Lexie, so if you know anybody in that category, send them here and we can all get over it together! :)**

**As for the questions I've been getting... Yes, Jackson will enter the story at some point, though his part won't be as big. No, I don't mind long reviews. In fact, I love them! And sorry if I misspelled Cristina's name. I'm just gonna leave it for now (since we're so many chapters in) and hope you guys can forgive me. Happy Holidays all! **


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter Eighteen**

"_We're gonna have the best life, Lexie, you and me. We're gonna be so happy. So you can't die, okay? You can't die. Because we're supposed to end up together. We're meant to be." –Mark Sloan_

* * *

He wasn't at home. At least that was something…. It had taken her awhile to find him, but after a couple of texts back and forth with Arizona, they'd ultimately pinned him down.

Mark Sloan wasn't at home and he wasn't with his daughter and he certainly wasn't at the hospital working. Instead, he was out on the old baseball diamond, the one where they'd come time and time again to blow off steam.

She heard the crack of the bat as she slowly approached. This place seemed haunted somehow. She could still see her friends, her family, gathered around, cheering each other on as one by one they stepped up to home plate. The boys had loved this instantly. The girls had taken a little bit longer. But the moment Christina had hit that first ball, that had changed everything. All the stress from work had been released and they'd spent the rest of the night giddy, taking turns with the bat and then eventually laying out across the bleachers, chatting about the hospital and life and anything else that crossed their minds.

Meredith closed her eyes just for a moment. There was Derek and Christina and Lexie and Mark and even Owen… all so happy.

"It's a little late to be out, don't you think?"

She turned and saw Mark heading her way. He grabbed a nearby water bottle as Meredith finally walked onto the field.

"Some of the others are coming here after work." Meredith figured she'd give him some warning. They wouldn't be alone long. "There's a fundraiser game this weekend for one of our patients. And god knows we need to practice."

"Is that what God's been worrying about these days?" Mark took a quick drink then tossed the water bottle aside. "Sounds about right."

Meredith inwardly cringed. The fundraiser was for Grace Murray's family, something Bailey had arranged. Jenn was barely working as she chose to spend most days with Gracie. And now the bills were piling up. Meredith and the rest of the doctors were just trying to help out, but to Mark, it meant nothing. There were much bigger problems in his world.

"The others?" he mumbled. "They want you to talk to me?"

"They might have mentioned it," Meredith confessed.

Mark nodded, clearly resigned to his fate. All of that anger, the fury left over from the crash, it had thoroughly drained him. He seemed almost apologetic as he picked up the bat again.

"I'm not sure what there is to talk about, Meredith."

"Honestly," Meredith leaned back against the fence. She felt a certain kinship with him. They were simply two people, set adrift, staring at each other across the void. "I'm not sure what there is to talk about either."

Mark nodded then slowly returned to the plate. He pushed the button for the pitching machine. The first ball came out and he hit it straight on, sending it far into center field. Then came another ball and another. Meredith was just getting used to the rhythmic crack of the bat when she heard his voice again.

"We used to come out here, you know." He adjusted his helmet, then settled into his stance once more. "Just the two of us. She was a way better hitter than me. And she never let me forget it."

Meredith stood there silently, willing herself not to interrupt. Everyone was trying so hard to fix Mark, but maybe what he really needed was for someone to listen.

"She'd pitch to me for hours." His expression was wistful. "And her throws were perfect, just beautiful. I won't even tell you how many times she could strike me out. But it was embarrassing."

Meredith nodded. She'd seen Lexie on the mound and she could only imagine.

"But she promised never to tell… and she never did."

Another ball came and this time he slammed it right over the fence. He didn't even watch to see where it fell. His shoulders slumped. He lowered the bat, pressing the top of it into the ground.

"I guess she never will now."

His pain was still so fresh, so raw. Meredith knew he was hurting too, every bit as much as she was.

"I can't go back."

A ball flew past him and then another, the clack of the machine cutting through the night. Gradually, it sputtered to a halt. Mark closed his eyes and let out a sigh.

"I can't go back to that hospital."

So much had happened there... so many memories lived in those walls. And now Meredith realized that she had to say something, something to let him know that he wasn't alone.

"I didn't want to go back either."

Her fingers gripped the chain link behind her, holding on for dear life. She remembered her first day back, how horrible it had been.

"But I survived," she said gently. "And you'll survive too, Mark. You will."

Mark didn't seem to hear her. He just stood there, frozen, in the exact same spot they'd stood all those years ago. If Meredith blinked, if she let her mind wander, she could see him right there, putting that batting helmet on Lexie, watching her charge up to the plate...

"The Chief called me in a week ago…" He cleared his throat, tried to go on. It was obviously difficult. "He just wanted to talk, so I went in. I figured I could do it. I mean after everything else... it was just the hospital. I could make it through a day at the hospital."

He twisted the bat, making neat little designs in the dust.

"But, I swear to god, Meredith... I saw her everywhere." His despair was palpable, his tone heartbreaking. "Wherever I went, I saw Lexie. I saw her smiling. I saw her laughing. Every time I turned around, she was there."

Meredith knew that it wasn't the same. He didn't see Lexie like she did. He probably didn't talk to her every night either. But she understood that feeling, that sense that at any moment Lexie might come around the corner or walk into surgery. It was nearly impossible to shake.

"After we broke up, both times, I'd wake up in the morning and swear that I was gonna start over again." His bitterness had bubbled to the surface now. "I'd say that _this_ was the day I was gonna move on. I was gonna find someone else and forget all about her. And then five minutes later, she'd just show up. In the elevator, in the cafeteria…" He kicked the dirt, his face full of regret. "And I would wish, just wish with everything I had in me, that I could get away from her. That I could get some peace."

"You loved her." Meredith had seen it. They all had. "You loved her, even when you hated her."

It was a relationship that had changed his life in so many ways, softened his rough edges, given him a new perspective…

"Except that I never hated her, Meredith." He shook his head sadly, giving her a helpless shrug. "There was never a moment... Even when I wanted to, I couldn't."

Not many people in the world would have believed him, not after everything Mark and Lexie had been through. Meredith was sure that Lexie had broken his heart, albeit unintentionally, when she'd walked away the first time. And he'd been so furious at her, so horribly angry. But it didn't matter.

"I could never hate her."

His voice wavered as his eyes wandered out over the field. It had rained again that morning. Now the moonlight reflected off the dewy grass, making the whole place resemble some eerie dreamscape.

"But she's still there… in that hospital," he said softly. "And as much as I want to be with her-god, you have no idea, I would give anything... But I can't go back. I just, I can't."

To him that place was haunted, a reminder of a life that had slipped out of his grasp.

"It's okay."

Meredith took a step forward, hoping to provide some reassurance, some sense of hope. But Mark simply shook his head. A few seconds passed and then suddenly his face contorted in anger. He grabbed the bat with both hands and for a second she thought he was preparing to swing it. But instead he let go, flinging it out onto the field. It bounced through the mist then disappeared, swallowed up in the lush grass beyond.

"It's not okay..."

Mark dropped his head. He turned his back on the field, on the echoes of laughter Meredith could still hear.

"It's not okay. And it never will be."

* * *

The night had grown decidedly colder.

Meredith resisted the urge to blow on her hands, and instead shoved them deep into her pockets. Her fingers fiddled with tiny pieces of her everyday life, Zola's hair ties, the keys to her car… as she tried to decide how long they'd been out there.

They had settled near the top of the bleachers, making it easier to spot any incoming visitors. But how much time did she really have left? Soon enough their friends would be here, with all of that energy, all of those questions… And Mark, she wasn't sure Mark was ready for that.

"We were supposed to be a family."

He was sitting beside her, struggling with a future that was no longer possible.

"I really, _really_ thought we'd be a family someday."

Meredith didn't respond. What was she supposed to say? That the rest of the world had assumed the same thing? That only seemed to add to the tragedy.

"I'd never even considered having kids," he continued on, the ache in his voice all the more pronounced. "And then Sloan showed up, and Sophia. My god, she's beautiful." He glanced back at Meredith for a confirmation he didn't even need. "They're both beautiful. But the whole family thing, making breakfasts, playing softball…" He stared out over the field. "None of that crossed my mind, not until I met Lexie."

She absolutely believed him. She'd known Mark Sloan before and never in a million years would she have pictured him as a father. But now he was different. He was so, so different.

"What about Julia?" She didn't want to pry, but still, she was curious. According to her sister, their relationship had been far more than a fling.

"Julia was..." His cheeks burned a little as he trailed off. Evidently, this was a sensitive topic. "She was great. Funny and smart, but not like Lexie... She was never going to be the right one," he sighed. "And yeah, I realize I'm an ass for not seeing it earlier."

He spoke quietly, and as Meredith strained to hear him, she picked up on other voices chatting in the distance. There was a small group of people waiting all the way across the field. And now, two sets of headlights shined along the far street. Callie must have arrived with Arizona. She wasn't sure who else was coming, probably Jackson or April, maybe Bailey.

Mark didn't even seem to notice the cars or the voices or anything else. He was still too focused on what could have been, what might have been, if only he'd made a move sooner.

"She would've been an amazing mother, you know." He reached into a nearby gym bag and produced a shiny, silver flash. He unscrewed the cap and took a quick swig.

"She was great with Sophia and Zola. Hell, even Sloan liked her."

Meredith arched an eyebrow, but still took the flask as he passed it over.

"Sloan didn't like her."

She wasn't going to let him push it that far. Lexie had been fairly patient or attempted to be in Sloan's case at least, but they'd hardly been friends.

"No teenager likes their step-mother, especially when that step-mother is almost the same age."

"Not almost," Mark protested.

"Oh come on," Meredith took a sip from the flask then winced as the alcohol went down. "The age difference between Lexie and Sloan… almost the same as between Lexie and me."

She was teasing him, yes, but it was also the truth. That entire situation had been completely ridiculous. Mark actually smiled, rubbing his scraggly beard with one hand.

"Well, when you put it that way..."

"It sounds bad, right?" Meredith could feel the mood lightening, just a bit. It was nice, refreshing even. "Just be glad they weren't raiding each others closets."

"I think Sloan actually tried that with Lexie," Mark managed a laugh. These two women he'd loved had clearly amused him. "Your sister seemed all sweet and innocent, but she could battle it out with the best of them."

"Here's to the joys of youth."

Meredith raised the flask in a mock salute. She'd felt old for most of her life and Lexie's arrival hadn't helped matters any.

"My closet hasn't been worth raiding since college."

"Well, you were the Elder Grey."

Now it was Mark's turn to tease her. Meredith didn't know whether to be pleased that he'd opened up, or insulted by his choice of words.

"I thought it was Big Grey."

"Is that really much better?"

His eyes were beginning to sparkle a little. There he was… she could just barely see him now, the old Mark, re-emerging. Maybe it was the vodka, that had certainly helped, or maybe just the reminiscing.

Meredith was quite sure that he hadn't talked about Lexie in weeks, about Lexie the person, not Lexie, the girl who had died in the forest. Knowing Callie, she'd avoided the topic at all costs, afraid she might contribute to some sort of break down. And Arizona had been too focused on her own recovery to stand in as Mark's friend. Even when she'd tried to help him, she'd focused on the present, the crash and its aftermath. But why not talk and laugh about the person he'd loved?

"You and Lexie..." Meredith sighed. "I hated that so much at first."

"You and everyone else at the hospital." Mark reached over and somehow pried the flask from her fingers. He took another drink, then let out a soft chuckle.

"The nurses basically kidnapped her once, shoved her into a conference room and tried to stage an intervention."

Meredith's head whipped around. How in the world had she missed that story?

"You're kidding."

"I'm not." Mark fought to wipe the grin off his face, but it was impossible now. "I was talking to a patient and I suddenly got this weird 911 page. And I'm thinking, why the conference room? If it was the on-call room I could understand."

"Ewww."

Meredith wrinkled her nose as he laughed again.

"So I walk up to the room and the blinds are all closed and I'm wondering if it's the chief and I'm being ambushed. He'd heard about Lexie and me by that point and I figured he'd be totally pissed."

"Oh I'm sure he was," Meredith agreed. "But he would just yell at you out in the open."

"True, but still, I wanted to be cautious." Mark gave her a knowing look. He'd gotten into all kinds of trouble back in the day and the consequences had ranged from write-ups to getting punched in the face.

"So I sloooowly open the door to the conference room." He went through the motions, acting it out as if it were a play. "And the minute I do, Lexie comes flying out, full speed. She nearly ran over me. And she is just seething. Her cheeks are all red and it's kind of adorable."

His entire face lit up at the memory.

"And I can see, like ten nurses behind her. And they're all staring at me like I'm the devil."

Meredith rolled her eyes.

"I'm guessing you'd slept with all of them?"

"I will neither confirm nor deny that."

Mark's smirk did the former just fine anyway. Meredith shook her head and yanked the flask out of his hand again.

"God, my sister was forgiving."

"Yeah, well not that day." Mark was enjoying the hell out of this tale. "I mean here's this little intern and she's standing outside the doorway, just laying into them, yelling about how she's a doctor at this hospital and how dare they judge her and how dare they judge me."

"Really?"

Meredith couldn't quite picture it. Lexie hadn't been meek by any stretch of the imagination, especially once she'd found her place in the pecking order. She had eventually grown a backbone. But still...

"I wish I had been there."

"You would have loved it." Mark leaned against the bench behind him. "She just kept going and going..."

"That part I've seen."

Meredith smiled. It was amazing how much she missed Lexie's rambling.

"So finally, she grabs my hand and storms off, just dragging me along," Mark shot her the same bewildered expression, the one he'd probably been wearing that day. "And my mouth is just hanging open, I'm so impressed. And then we come around this corner and she just, she collapses."

"Ah, there you go." Meredith pointed at him.

"Yeah I thought the same thing." Mark knew exactly where her mind was headed. "I figured she was just gonna have a full blown panic attack about it. But then she just started laughing. That went on for like five minutes. She looked like a maniac."

"That part I've seen too."

That was Lexie, expressive to a fault. Mark had obviously loved that about her.

"She was just so proud, you know?" The light in his eyes gradually dimmed. He lay his head back on his duffel bag, staring up at the stars. "So proud that she stood up for us."

The others had finally arrived at the field. They'd gathered down by the dugout, carrying coolers and drinks. But again, Mark barely noticed their presence.

"I should have stood up for her more," he said quietly. He was searching for something up there, his gaze moving across the sky. "I mean with Sloan and everything. That was my kid and your kid has to come first..."  
He glanced back at Meredith.

"But I should have stood up for Lexie too."

"It was an impossible choice," Meredith handed the flask back, watched as he took another long swig. "And you did the best you could."

Once upon a time she had hated him for the mistakes he had made, for hurting her sister. It didn't matter that Lexie had initiated their break up, Meredith had ultimately held Mark Sloan responsible. That was her duty as a sibling, to side with Lexie no matter what. And watching her struggle in the weeks that had followed, listening to her cry, it had been awful. And she'd hated, absolutely hated Mark for it.

But now, now she was a parent. And even though her loyalty to Lexie lived on, she still understood the decision he'd made. Kids changed things, priorities shifted. The truth was, once the younger Sloan had entered the picture, Lexie had never stood a chance...

"Maybe some things just aren't meant to be," Meredith said softly. "You and I both know that life isn't some fairy tale."

Mark didn't respond right away. He sat up slowly, as if just now waking up from a dream. He rubbed his tired face then tucked his flask back into his bag.

"We were meant to be, Meredith." He looked over at her. He was as serious as she'd ever seen him. "Lexie and me, we were meant to be together."

Below them, the pitching machine had rattled back to life. And then it came, the crack of the bat... Mark turned his head, following the sound out over the grass. He was searching for Lexie, searching for the girl he had loved so much, the one who had broken his heart.

"That was the one thing in this life I was sure of."

* * *

**Well now you've finally seen present day Mark. I really enjoyed writing this chapter, although I'll admit, it made me pretty sad. Like many viewers, I always thought Mark and Lexie would end up together. But I like that Meredith finally gets to talk to someone who is genuinely as lost as she is. It makes for an interesting dynamic. For once, she's actually the stronger one.**

**Anyway, that's it. Happy New Year everyone! I'll try to update soon. There's still plenty of story left to tell. As always, please take a second and review if you can. I'd love to hear what you think about this chapter and about the story overall. And don't worry, it won't all be this sad guys... :) I'm trying to balance it out. **


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter Nineteen**

"_There was a moment when I thought, I can't do this. I can't do this alone." -Meredith Grey_

* * *

Mark Sloan was long gone.

Meredith could hear his car in the distance, the rumble of the engine echoing across the field. Down near the dugout, her friends stood around in apparent confusion. They'd watched Mark bolt without a word, a baseball cap pulled over his eyes. Now they all looked to her as she slowly descended the bleachers. The questions came immediately. How was he? Had he said anything to her? Was he planning to return to work anytime soon? Had he _met_ FrankenBarbie? Surely, he'd want to come back, if only to save them from her... Avery was particularly adamant about that.

But Meredith, she had nothing to offer them. There was no magic solution. In a way, it seemed like she'd failed them, like she'd failed Mark. She'd wanted to help him, she really had, but honestly, what could she do? Lexie was the only one who could heal him. And Lexie wasn't here anymore.

She listened quietly as her friends said all the right things to make her feel better. At least she'd tried. At least she'd made some effort to get through to him. It wasn't her fault if he didn't come back. Still, Meredith could sense their growing concern. If she couldn't snap him out his self-imposed isolation, then certainly none of them stood a chance. They were at a total loss. Even Bailey's expression was solemn, her enthusiasm exchanged for marked disappointment.

It was a hell of a way to start softball practice.

And with that, Meredith knew that she needed to leave. She couldn't stay here. She couldn't shut out everything else that was going on. It was impossible, especially at this field. There was no place to hide from all of those memories.

She just needed an excuse. She'd come up with so many of them recently, to avoid people, to avoid discussing certain topics… she searched her memory banks quickly. Aw, there it was. Something simple. She wanted to spend some more time with her family. It was easy to sell and actually true. She was sure her friends wouldn't question it. And they didn't. They simply gave her half-hearted smiles, told her to go home and rest, and of course to say hi to Derek for them. And then they told her that they'd see her tomorrow. That was a common farewell these days, one they'd all silently agreed upon...

_I'll see you tomorrow... _

Because the sun would rise again and they'd all still be here. Screw their collective bad luck, screw fate and all the pain it had caused, they'd all still be here.

As Meredith turned and headed towards her car, she assured herself that she was doing them a favor. Let them practice on their own, without the shadow of the past hanging over them. Right now, she represented something sad, something lost. They were still shaken by everything that had happened, but they were trying so hard to move on. And they should. That's what life was, finding a way to push forward, to be happy again. They deserved the chance to play under the cool night air. They deserved to laugh without feeling guilty. She didn't want to stop them.

And besides… she had some place to be.

She had an appointment with Lexie...

* * *

Meredith smiled as she stood in the attic. She'd been waiting for this all day, through Arizona's party, through all the staring and whispering that went on in the hallways, through Zola's tantrum as they'd left day care, through her long conversation with Mark on the bleachers... This is what she'd been waiting for.

"Soooo..." Lexie had found her old softball equipment in the garage. It had been shoved in a corner, away from Thatcher's grabby hands. They'd brought it upstairs to the attic, dusted it off. It hadn't been used since the previous year.

"Have you practiced at all?"

Lexie tossed her a glove. Meredith caught it, attempted to squeeze it on her right hand then quickly realized her mistake. Lexie rolled her eyes.

"So I'm guessing that's a no."

"Hey, we've still got a little while," Meredith insisted. She fought with the glove for another few seconds then eventually slid it on correctly. She held it up for her sister to see. "Better?"

Lexie bit her lip, her expression a battle between concern and amusement.

"Well, it's not worse."

Meredith scowled.

"Hey, this is not my thing." She felt the need to tell Lexie that, to tell _everyone _that actually. "I wouldn't even be doing it except for Mason... he's gonna be there. And he wants me to be on his team."

"Is he the one who asked you to be pitcher?" Lexie threw a couple softballs into the air, juggling them easily.

"No, that was Bailey's brilliant suggestion," Meredith grumbled. It had come out of desperation and some ridiculous hope that because Lexie had been good at the job, Meredith might be good at it too. "I tried to talk her out of it, believe me."

"Have they _seen_ you throw?" Lexie shot a glance in her direction, a grin appearing on her face. "I mean really seen it? Because Mer, I love you and you're good at a lot of things, but-"

"Yeah, I know." Meredith punched the glove with her opposite hand, mimicking the other players she'd seen. But even that felt awkward and weird.

"You stand three feet from Zola and toss her the ball," Lexie tried not to giggle, tried… and failed. "And every time it lands in front of her, behind her… on the bookshelf…on the couch."

"I am very much aware of that."

Meredith pulled her jacket tighter as a draft suddenly blew through the rafters. It was just another reminder that the seasons were changing. The cold was slowly creeping in, forcing her to add a few extra layers. Lexie, as usual, was perfectly happy in her striped button up sweater.

"And you'll love this," Meredith shot her the biggest fake smile. She'd had plenty of practice. "They actually let EMS choose the other team. It's all firefighters and police... plus a Seattle Mariner."

"Seriously?" Lexie nearly dropped one of the softballs. To her credit, she managed to recover, even as she turned to face Meredith. "Like an actual major league baseball player?"

"Yeah…" Meredith raised her hands in a mock cheer. "Whoohoo. Lucky me."

Her so-called team had just sprung that addition on her tonight. Suddenly, their little charity game had become a "thing," complete with food stands, memorabilia auctions and autograph signings with a professional player.

"How did they get him?" Lexie's eyes widened.

"Danny, that cute paramedic, he knows one of them." Meredith didn't even bother to hide her dismay. "We might actually get a couple of players. They heard it was for charity and now everyone wants to volunteer."

"Oh..." Lexie took a moment to process it all. She allowed the balls to drop one by one. Somehow, she caught each of them without missing a beat. "That's good. I mean, that's really good actually.

"Is it?" Meredith wasn't so sure. She could just picture a line drive coming straight at her face, courtesy of some Seattle super star. "Because honestly, I don't see the upside."

"Oh come on, of course there's an upside." Lexie was indeed the more positive one in the family. Where Meredith saw problems, she saw potential. "Real players equal an actual crowd. And an actual crowd equals actual money."

"And laughter..." Meredith muttered. "Lots of laughter when that crowd sees me play."

"It's for charity."

"There are like ten other people at the hospital that would be better at this." Meredith could make the list in her head, people who at least had some tiny bit of athletic ability. "Jackson, Alex, Hunt, April. _April _would be better."

"Maybe," Lexie gave her a meaningful look. "But they don't have an adorable little boy depending on them."

Meredith sighed. She was right... Mason with his big, sweet eyes. She couldn't say no to him. She could stand up to Bailey and Owen and even Dr. Wyatt. But that seven year old... he had her number.

"I'm weak."

"You're not weak."

"Yes, I am." Meredith shook her head as she examined her glove. It felt so ridiculous on her hand. At least when she'd played the previous year, she'd had Christina by her side… plus a flask. Those two things had gotten her through.

"Well, if you get any more Mariners, _beg_ them to play." Lexie offered her the only advice she had left. "Just make sure it's for your team. Actually, you know what? Beg them to pitch."

"I don't beg," Meredith objected immediately. She had to maintain at least some shred of dignity. "Not unless it's for surgeries."

"Fine, then flirt. Bat your eyelashes or something."

"I can't do that."

"Sure you can," Lexie persisted. Apparently, she'd already planned this all out. "Reel them in then yank at their heartstrings. Remind them that there's a dying girl depending on this."

"Lexie!"

Meredith actually laughed. It was easy to forget how devious her sister could be. She was pretty and ridiculously smart, which could be a dangerous combination. She certainly knew how to get what she wanted. But thankfully, she'd always used her powers for good.

"Meredith, our niece Laura?" Lexie drew her attention back. "She's like five now and _she_ throws better than you. Like way, way better."

"Nice."

"I'm serious."

"Hey, I'm not _that _bad." Meredith punched her glove again, attempting to appear just a tad bit more competent. "I threw a ball to Mason the other day. It didn't go flying over his head, so maybe I'm improving."

"Maybe..."

Lexie gave an exaggerated nod of support, but Meredith could see her little brain working. And then suddenly, in one smooth motion, Lexie tossed a ball through the air. It was a gentle throw, underhanded, easily catchable. Meredith instinctively jumped aside anyway.

"Okay," Lexie somehow managed to keep a straight face... for a few seconds anyway. "Maybe not."

She brought her hand up, struggling to hide her rapidly expanding grin. But it was hopeless. Her body was already shaking and here came the laughter, getting louder and louder until it reached every corner of the room.

"That was..." Lexie gasped for air as she fought to control another series of giggles. Eventually, she dropped her head, took a moment to gather herself then glanced up again. "Well, just be sure they don't make you the catcher."

"Haha."

"Seriously, Mer."

"Hey, I was just getting out of the way." Meredith shot back.

She tilted her head to one side, oh-so-innocently. Thankfully, she had an ace up her sleeve, the perfect retort, courtesy of the last game they had played. She thought of Julia, of that insane throw Lexie had beaned her with… Meredith smirked.

"I've seen what you can do to people, remember?"

The comment registered instantly and Lexie pursed her lips.

"Oh really?" She held up another softball, passing it from one hand to the other. A mischievous gleam appeared in her eyes. "You wanna see more?"

Ooops… this had been a mistake.

"No," Meredith shook her head hastily. "Lexie, no-"

But it was too late. The ball came flying out of Lexie's hand much faster than the first one had. She'd added a little extra force, probably in response to that Julia quip. Oh crap. Meredith winced. Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap. She willed herself to stay put. She wasn't gonna let Lexie win this time, even if she got a major welt for her effort. She lifted the glove, hoping to give herself some kind of cover.

And that's when it happened.

She felt a soft thump... a soft thump right in the palm of her glove-covered hand.

"Holy crap."

She peered down at it, her jaw dropping in surprise. Sure enough, there was the ball, resting in the dark leather.

"Ha!" Lexie's pride was unmistakable. She clapped three times in quick succession. "I knew you had it in you."

Meredith blinked. She was sure that Lexie had done that on purpose, throwing faster, forcing her to react. But Meredith didn't even care. A smile slowly spread across her face.

"I caught the ball." It was a small victory, but a victory nonetheless. And on this dark, cold night, it felt sort of amazing. Maybe there was still hope for her yet. "I caught the stupid ball!"

Lexie raised her arms in triumph.

"You caught the stupid ball!"

She was beaming like an idiot, just as excited as Meredith was. Her dark hair floated around her face as she bounced across the room towards her sister. Meredith was ready for the big, crazy hi-five and suddenly they were dancing, happily skipping and spinning in circles. It was a celebration without words, a party without music…

But that... that was how Meredith ultimately heard it-the sound of their feet pounding on the floor below.

"Wait, stop!" She grabbed her sister, forcing her a halt.

"What?" Lexie froze. "What's wrong?"

Meredith held her breath. One story down, her husband was sleeping. He was sleeping peacefully, probably assuming that she was there too. And here they were jumping on the ceiling above him.

"It's Derek," she whispered. "He went to bed an hour ago."

She waited… listening intently. There was a squeaky board not far from their bed. If he got up, she would hear him, she was sure of it. A few seconds passed, then a few more. Finally, she sighed.

"I keep forgetting he's down there."

Lexie raised an eyebrow, caught off guard by her sister's admission. And now she was drawing some crazy conclusion, Meredith could tell.

Oh for godsake… she frowned. It was like talking to Dr. Wyatt all over again.

"I didn't mean forget, like _literally_ forget." Apparently, she had to clarify that. "I just meant… I'm not thinking about the fact that he's sleeping and we're… I'm being kind of loud."

Lexie was hardly convinced. Over the past few days, Meredith had shared just a little too much, about herself, about Derek. And Lexie had pretty much filled in the rest.

"What is going on with you two?" Her disappointment was evident. Derek was like a brother to her, and she certainly didn't want to see him get hurt. "Are you guys still fighting over my stupid boxes?"

"We're not fighting, Lexie."

"Meredith…"

"We're not fighting."

"Well, if he wakes up, then you need to go down there." Lexie pointed towards the door, like a parent giving an order. "You need to go down there and talk to him."

"I don't want to argue about this."

Meredith tossed the ball back to her. Lexie slid to her left but still couldn't reach it. It hit the wall then bounced under the bed. Meredith waited… but Lexie made no effort to retrieve it.

She was done with this… all of it.

"Lexie…"

Meredith silently cursed herself. She never should have mentioned Derek.

"Come on, we were having fun."

Not anymore… For Lexie at least, the fantasy was over. The cold had returned, the cobwebs could now be seen in the corners. This wasn't some carefree moment they were having. It wasn't all light and happy. And Lexie was done pretending it was.

"I hate this…" Lexie slowly sank down onto her old bed. All that joyful exuberance had faded away. "I just, I hate this… I don't want you guys to be so unhappy. That's not fair."

"You know you don't have to worry about us, right?" Meredith took a tentative step closer, then stopped, realizing that Lexie needed her space. "Honestly, we're gonna be fine."

"Yeah, I know," Lexie hauled her softball bag into her lap, holding it like a child might hold her favorite toy. "You've said that before."

Her initials had been carefully written on the side of the bag, probably by her mom… or maybe her dad. She ran her fingers over them, her face turning solemn.

"You've said that a lot."

And Meredith certainly wanted to say it again… and again, if only to convince herself. But the truth was, she didn't really believe it. And Lexie didn't either. Her sister could sense the damage that had come with her absence. And it was far, far greater than either of them could have ever guessed.

Lexie looked up, leveling her gaze at Meredith. She seemed apprehensive, but there was also a steely determination in her eyes. She sat up a little straighter, folded her arms across the top of her bag…

"You saw Mark tonight, didn't you?" The question came quickly as if she was worried she might not get it out. "Is he okay? I mean, really, really okay?"

Meredith faltered.

Lexie had barely asked about him since the accident, but tonight she couldn't help herself. Seeing what was happening to her sister, to Derek…

"Tell me the truth." She sounded so hopeful. "He's alright, isn't he?"

Meredith stayed quiet. She fiddled with her glove again, folding it… unfolding it. This only seemed to spur Lexie on. She hurried ahead, anxious to fill in the silence.

"I mean I know, I know we had that whole scene in the forest. And it was emotional-really emotional. But that was…"

She trailed off. There were some things she simply couldn't speak of… even now. And her conversation with Mark was certainly one of them.

"A lot happened." She gradually found her voice again. It wavered a bit, but still it was strong, clear.

"Mark, he was upset and hurt, actually physically hurt. People say stuff in situations like that, stuff they don't really mean."

"Did you mean it?" Meredith ventured ahead carefully. "Whatever you said to him, or even before, when you told him you were in love with him, did you mean it?"

"Of course, I did." Lexie didn't even hesitate. She seemed surprised that Meredith would ask her that question. "I meant every word."

"Well, he meant it too, Lex."

Meredith felt like she owed her some kind of apology. This was something Lexie needed to hear, something she _deserved_ to hear. But at the same time, it was soul crushingly sad, a reminder of the life she should have been living and all that pain she'd left behind.

"For him… you were it. You were the one."

Lexie took a breath and Meredith could see her flinch just a little. But somehow she managed to hold it together. She was ever defiant, refusing to let the emotion sweep her away.

"But that's crazy." She reached down into her bag, hoping that this would provide a distraction. "It's crazy, Mer."

"No, it's not," Meredith held fast. "He thinks you were meant to be."

Lexie visibly recoiled as she pulled out her glove. It was apparent that she didn't want to hear this, that she didn't want to be told exactly what she had lost.

"He's remembering somebody else," she insisted. "He's got this picture of us in his head, but I was silly. I was silly and I was stupid."

"You weren't stupid."

"Yes I was." She leaned down and scooped up the missing softball. She tossed it to Meredith, barely blinking as her sister juggled, then caught it.

"That time, when I told him I loved him, when he was with Julia? I actually stood in front of the hospital and blurted all my feelings out, just said everything I'd been thinking for months and months while she was literally coming out the door to see him."

She waited as Meredith chucked the ball in her general direction. She took a few quick steps to her right, trapped it in her glove… But it was obvious that her mind was far, far away.

"I mean Jackson, Jackson was the one who told me," she went on. "He told me I was still in love with Mark. My hot, age-appropriate boyfriend, he literally had to spell it out for me. That's how stupid I was…"

She threw the ball back, but her heart wasn't in it. It fell at Meredith's feet then finally disappeared for good, rolling off into the shadows.

"Lexie, he loved you."

Meredith had seen that for herself, tonight on the bleachers.

"All that stuff you're worried about, we all have that. We all do dumb things, but it doesn't matter. He loved that part of you too."

"He shouldn't have."

"Well he did."

Meredith's voice was unwavering, but she understood it now, the guilt that was written all over poor Lexie's face. She knew Mark had adored her, how could she not? But that adoration had transformed into suffering, pain, evenings spent alone on an old baseball field…

"God, I should've left him something…" Lexie turned towards the window, staring out into the moonlit night. "Something other than the forest. That's not how I want him to remember me."

Her eyes surveyed the city beyond, the mostly dark houses lining the streets.

"And Dad…" she sighed. "All he's got are those boxes."

Meredith slowly slid off her glove, laying it down next to Lexie's bag. It wasn't easy being left behind… Meredith was reminded of that everyday. But being on the other side, so close, yet so far away from the people you loved, unable to provide any comfort at all… that was an agony she could only imagine.

Lexie leaned in towards the glass, suddenly caught in a shaft of moonlight. She looked like a ghost now, her face illuminated, her dark hair turned a pale shade of brown.

"There's so much left out there for them," she murmured. "There's _so_ much good stuff out in the world."

"And they'll find their way back," Meredith reassured her. She might have been lying. She hoped that she wasn't. "Mark's gonna be okay. And Dad… he's hanging in there."

"Really?" Lexie shifted her weight, pivoting to face Meredith. She was wisely skeptical. "Have you actually seen him?"

Meredith averted her eyes in a hurry.

"I saw him at the hospital."

"But have you actually _talked_ to him?" Lexie pressed on. "Have you guys actually had a real conversation?"

And just like that Meredith knew she was caught. She'd given her sister a peek into her family's world, into all the dysfunction swirling around them.

"Lexie, he and I… we don't do that."

"But you're his daughter, Mer."

"No, _you're_ his daughter," Meredith made sure to correct her. "I'm just the kid he looks up every decade or so. We don't have a bunch of warm fuzzy memories to chat about. That's not our relationship."

"I'm not asking you to take care of him-"

"Good, because I'm not going to, Lexie. He's a grown man."

She waited for her sister's pained expression, for some kind of protest. But none was forthcoming.

"Mark was one thing," she started again, struggling to find a balance between honesty and compassion. "But Dad has Molly and she knows him a lot better than I do. She's the one who should be here."

"You're right…"

"Seriously?" Meredith stopped short. She had expected some sort of argument, at least a few words on Molly's behalf. "We're actually gonna agree on this now?"

"Yeah, we are." Lexie crossed her arms, her gaze traveling back to that big world outside. Her sister had run off weeks ago, shortly after the memorial service.

"Look, I love Molly, I do, but she should have stayed. You may not owe Dad anything, but she does. And she should've stayed for him, at least for awhile."

Lexie's frustration was evident. Her inability to fix this, any of this, was eating away at her.

"And Callie should have talked to Mark, that's her job as his friend. If Derek couldn't get through to him, then Callie should have stepped in. Or Jackson, or even Dr. Webber. _One of them _should've stepped in."

But none of them had. None of them had dared to try.

"It shouldn't always have to be you." Lexie glanced over at Meredith. "None of this should be falling on you…"

But it was going to anyway, Meredith realized.

It was obvious now. She studied her little sister's face, saw how torn she was. Lexie wanted something and she wanted it badly. But she wasn't quite sure how to ask.

"I can't help them," she said finally, her voice hovering above a whisper. "Mark, Dad, there's nothing I can do. I can't help them… But maybe you can."

"Lexie…"

The last thing Meredith wanted was to wade into this, to be the sounding board for everyone else's despair. She'd already gone out to that baseball field, she'd talked to Mark and it hadn't worked. She wasn't some healer. She couldn't save the world. But Lexie… Lexie was desperate.

"I just need one thing," she said softly. "That's it. And I think it'll make a difference, I do-"

"Lexie, come on…"

"Please," she tried again. "It will be easy, I promise."

"Lexie-"

"I wouldn't ask otherwise."

"This isn't like the last time." Meredith needed Lexie to understand. She wasn't some savior here. "I can't just give up a piece of my liver and make it all better."

"No, you can't," Lexie wasn't going to debate her on that. "But you're strong. You're so much stronger than you think you are."

"No Lexie… I'm not." Meredith thought back on the last few weeks, on all of those times she'd fallen apart. "I'm not at all."

But clearly Lexie didn't believe her.

"Do you remember that day you went into surgery?" she asked. "Do you remember what happened?"

Meredith chewed on the inside of her cheek. Again, she was the one who had opened this door. She'd stupidly gone and mentioned the transplant, a topic they didn't generally discuss for various reasons. Lexie had always been embarrassed about the request she had made… and Meredith… Meredith knew that she should have stepped up long before that. But she hadn't. Instead, she'd wavered, forcing Lexie to do all the dirty work.

"I was lost. Her sister spoke calmly, suddenly seeming much older than her years. "And I was scared, terrified actually… but you weren't. You took the whole thing in stride."

"You know that's not true." Meredith recalled an entirely different scenario. "I was worried, believe me. You can ask Mark-"

"But you got through it," Lexie cut her off gently. "That's the difference. You were given an out, multiple outs as it turned out, but you got through it anyway because you knew how important it was."

"Why are we even talking about this?"

"Because you _are_ strong, Meredith," Lexie was steadfast. It was as if she couldn't quite believe that her sister didn't see it. "Not all the time, because nobody is. Nobody can be. But I swear to god, you are the strongest person I've ever met."

"Then apparently you haven't met enough people."

"Stop." Lexie wasn't going to take the bait. She wasn't going to get annoyed or let Meredith try to push her away. Instead, she moved closer. She took Meredith by the shoulders, looked her straight in the eye.

"You're stronger than Mark," she said firmly. "And you're stronger than Derek. And you're sure as hell stronger than Dad. You survived a plane crash, Meredith. A _plane crash_."

"But you didn't." Meredith sucked in her breath. She'd never been so direct, not about this. But she had to be, here and now, she absolutely had to be. "You didn't, Lex. And no matter how strong you think I am, I can't make that better. I can't fix it."

She refused to cry, but god, it was hard…

Lexie merely shook her head.

"I'm not asking you to fix it," she said gently. "But there is something you can do, something simple."

She smiled, an impossible little smile in the face of such sadness.

"And I promise you, _I promise you_ that it'll be worth it."

* * *

**Well I hope you enjoyed another Meredith and Lexie chapter. These scenes are always bittersweet to write. In some ways they can be light and funny, but I think they also show what Meredith's really lost. Eventually morning will come and this will all go away. It's always looming there in the background which, for me at least, makes these scenes a little bit darker than some of the others. Anyway, let me know what you think! It was great to read all the reviews for the last chapter. Some of them were really detailed (thanks!). I can't wait to hear what you have to say this time around. Thank you all so much again for reading!**


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter Twenty**

"_I know that he's not your dad. I know that he was never there for you. And I would never ask you to give him anything. He doesn't deserve a thing from you. He doesn't. But he's, he's gonna die Meredith. And so I'm asking you to give something to me." __-Lexie Grey_

* * *

A single light shined through the window.

Meredith sat in her car, unable to tear her gaze away from that house. She'd been there for at least half an hour, listening to the rain fall on the windshield… Another storm had moved in overnight. She'd almost stayed in bed… almost. But instead she was here, watching, waiting, steeling herself...

The place was cute enough. Quiet, suburban, an overgrown patch of flowers lining the driveway... She could imagine a beautiful family growing up here. Two parents, two sweet little girls. There had probably been a dog somewhere along the way. And now, now it was empty… save for one lonely man who refused to give up on it.

Meredith had her keys in her hand. She could start the engine in seconds. She could pull away from the curb and drive off into the rain. No one would ever even know she'd stopped by. She took a deep breath, watched a shadow pass behind the curtains. He was in there still.

She wondered where all of those boxes had landed. Had they found their way out to the shed in back? Were they stacked up in the garage somewhere, hopefully sheltered from all the other storms that would surely be coming? Or maybe they were scattered across the living room, serving as coffee tables or makeshift desks.

Meredith closed her eyes, trying to shake that image from her brain. Those boxes weren't Lexie. They were merely things she'd left behind. And Meredith only needed one of them, one item inside for Mark to hold onto. Lexie had explained it to her the previous evening. One quick trip over and it would be simple enough to retrieve. She just had to get herself together… knock on the door, and step inside her sister's childhood home.

"Come on Meredith…" she whispered to herself.

She drummed the steering wheel a few times, took another breath then finally got out of the car. The walk up the driveway felt like a mile. And the rain wasn't helping. She pulled up her hood, then shoved her keys deep into her pocket, willing herself not to reach for them again. She was strong, she could do this. She had survived situations far worse than this one. And besides… she'd made a promise.

"Alright…"

Meredith reached out and tapped her knuckles lightly on the wooden door. She listened carefully for the sound of footsteps. It didn't take long. Suddenly, she saw a motion in the window. The curtain pulled back and there he was. There was her father.

She wasn't sure what she'd expected from him. Rumpled clothing perhaps, maybe red cheeks or a glass in his hand? Their meeting at the hospital had been brief. They'd been on her turf and Thatcher Grey had been well behaved, the locker debacle not withstanding. But this was his home, the place where he was free to mourn any way that he wanted to, free to fall back into old, destructive habits. Lexie would hate that... God, she would hate that.

Meredith remembered then what her sister had said, so long ago, just after that transplant surgery. She'd been pushing for Meredith to visit their father. She'd wanted to wheel her straight into his room. And when Meredith had asked why, why such a meeting was so important to Lexie, her response had been simple, matter-of-fact.

_Someday, you two might need each other…_

Her trip over here, it wasn't just for Mark, she realized. No, this visit had a dual purpose. Lexie had basically spelled it out for her last night, but Meredith hadn't wanted to hear it. Helping Mark was a reasonable request, but Lexie was trying to save their father as well.

Meredith sighed. He was still watching her from the window. Their eyes met for a split second and then he let the curtain fall back into place. She could hear his footfalls now, slow and methodical. At least that meant he wasn't stumbling over himself. The lock clicked and the door finally opened, the hinges letting out a squeal of protest.

Meredith Grey forced herself not to run.

* * *

Lexie Grey was pacing again.

She moved across the room at an ever-increasing speed, her fingers fiddling with the necklace she'd retrieved from her locker. She wasn't looking at anything in particular. She was just staring straight ahead, lost in thought.

"She's been doing this for ten minutes." Meredith glanced over at Mark. At her insistence, one of the nurses had sent him an emergency page. "Seriously, she's making me dizzy."

Mark watched his girlfriend with a puzzled expression.

"Lex?"

No response.

"Lexie?"

Meredith shifted her weight in the hospital bed. She was all prepped for surgery, papers signed, briefing done. Pretty soon Bailey would arrive. And then it would be off to the operating room, where they'd cut her open, slice out a piece of her liver and sew her back up again. That part made Meredith shudder, not the cutting so much… but the exposure. Her insides would be open for all of her colleagues to see. All except Lexie… She'd been banned from the OR for the rest of the day.

"This was a bad idea…" Lexie had started talking again, though more to herself than to anyone else. "This was a bad idea. It was stupid. _I'm_ stupid. This can't… it's just bad."

"Lexie," Meredith tried again to get through to her. "Lexie, you need to stop. This is getting ridiculous."

It was like speaking to a wall. Mark moved to cut her off, but she just stepped right around him. Back and forth, back and forth she went… her footsteps echoing on the linoleum floor.

"Lexie, come on," Mark took a gentler tone, but Meredith was rapidly losing her patience.

"Lexie?"

Still nothing.

And now the exasperation really kicked in. Meredith gritted her teeth.

"Lexie, I swear to god if you don't answer me-"

"I can't-"

"You have to!"

She felt bad for yelling, but enough was enough.

"Because I'm about to go into surgery and I want to talk to my sister, my sane, level-headed sister, not the crazy person who's invaded her body."

Lexie finally slowed to a halt. Apparently, something had clicked in her brain, because now she was fully present again, back in the world with them. Still, she was nervous, that much was obvious. Her necklace was twisted between her fingers and there was clearly something she needed to say. She locked her gaze on Meredith, took a deep breath...

"You shouldn't do this."

She winced as the words came out of her mouth. She had to understand how bad this all sounded.

"You shouldn't do this, Mer."

"What?" Meredith's jaw actually dropped. Across the room, Mark seemed equally startled. "You're kidding me, right?"

"I'm not." Lexie shook her head vigorously. "I'm not. You shouldn't do this. It's crazy. And it's, it's dangerous. There could be all sorts of complications-"

"Lexie," Meredith harnessed all of that patience she'd thought she had lost. She definitely needed it, because what her sister was saying, it was insane. You couldn't just ask someone for a potentially life altering favor then change your mind at the very last moment. "This is just… you're not serious. I_ know_ you're not serious."

"Meredith, hold on…"

Mark stepped forward. He could sense her irritation, her growing anger at this sudden about face. But Meredith wasn't about to be silenced, not when she was sitting there in a hospital gown waiting to be sliced into pieces.

"Not four hours ago, you were begging me to do this surgery," she reminded her sister. "You had files and a big weepy speech. You talked about fifth grade graduations and dance recitals-"

"I know," Lexie's voice was already wavering.

"You stood there and cried." Meredith felt like an idiot. Lexie's sweet, tear stained face had convinced her so easily. "You cried and told me how much you needed this. You remember that, right?"

"I do." She dropped her head. "I do…"

"Lexie, it's okay." Mark moved in behind her, put a supportive hand on her back.

"The hell it is," Meredith snapped. "This isn't even remotely okay."

She'd dragged herself in to talk to her father, the one person on this earth she'd least wanted to see today. And she'd basically pleaded on Lexie's behalf… okay, maybe not pleaded so much. But she'd stood at his bedside and asked him to accept a piece of her liver. The man who'd abandoned her as a child, the one she'd resented for most of her life…

"I'm sorry."

Lexie was unraveling fast. She, of all people, knew what it had taken for Meredith to enter that hospital room. And that was only upsetting her more. Her hands were shaking. She was seemingly on the verge of a panic attack.

"I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have asked you to do this." She glanced from her sister over to Mark, her eyes shiny with tears. "And I shouldn't have been such a jerk to you earlier. I'm just, I'm really sorry."

"Hey, it's alright, Lex." Mark took her in his arms, hugging her tightly.

Meredith knew that it was time to back off, but she was minutes away from being wheeled into surgery. And Lexie was her sole reason for doing it. So what the hell was she gonna do now? What was she supposed to tell Dr. Bailey?

"Lexie," Meredith wanted to get her attention. She certainly wasn't going to stand in her paper-thin gown, but this was one of those conversations that simply couldn't wait. "Lex, come on, I'm not mad." She quickly reconsidered that. "At least, I'm trying not to be mad. But you need to tell me what you want me to do."

"Meredith…" Mark shot her a warning look.

"This surgery's supposed to start in less than an hour," she protested. "So Lexie needs to let me in on the plan."

"She will, but maybe you can just give her a second."

Give _her_ a second? Meredith arched an eyebrow. She wasn't used to this. She was supposed to be the one on Lexie's side. It had taken her forever to get to this point, but now Mark was here too. And he'd turned out to be rather protective of Lexie, even when it came to her older sister.

"Fine Mark, then why don't _you _tell me what to do?" Meredith bristled a little. "Because I'm about to have my liver split open. But I'd be just as happy to stay here instead."

Mark merely glared at her. Meredith returned the favor.

Dammit, she hated this. How had she landed in such a position? She'd let the messiness of her family creep into her life and so here she was, half naked, starving, waiting for her sister to determine her fate. And worse yet, she'd somehow become the bad guy.

"I'm sorry," Lexie finally mumbled. "I'm really, really sorry."

It was as if she had gone into hiding, right there in front of them. Her face was still buried in Mark's chest. She was clinging to him as if she were drowning. Eventually Mark pulled away, just far enough to meet her gaze.

"Lexie, what do you want to do?" He was the picture of calm, the perfect boyfriend. Supportive, caring, willing to listen. "It's okay either way. We can cancel the surgery right now and your dad will understand, he will."

"But he'll die, Mark," she struggled just to get the words out. "If he doesn't get the liver, he'll die."

"Then let Meredith help you guys." Mark held her by the shoulders as he nodded towards Meredith. "She's already agreed. And she's strong. The recovery won't be that bad."

Lexie stole a peek at her sister, so completely unsure. Her dark eyes were filled with fear and not just for her father, Meredith realized. No, it was for her as well. She was scared for Meredith.

"What if something goes wrong?"

She shifted all of her focus to Mark, treating Meredith like the patient she'd become. It was annoying, yes, but Meredith decided to leave it alone. It was hard to be mad at her sister for caring.

"I mean, it's still major surgery. And I know the statistics, I do…"

Of course she did. That damned photographic memory…

"There are infections to worry about, other post-op complications. And that's _after _the surgery." A fresh wave of anxiety seemed to take hold of her. "What about during it? What if someone nicks the intestines? It could happen. I've heard of that happening."

"No one's gonna nick anything." Mark brushed a lock of hair from her face, his hand coming to rest on her cheek. "This is Dr. Bailey we're talking about."

"But there are no guarantees." Lexie stared up at him helplessly. "There are _never_ any guarantees. I mean, if there's even a one percent chance, even one..."

Meredith's heart sank.

There it was... there was the reason her sister was terrified.

_A one percent chance…_

She knew those words. She'd _said_ those words. She'd said them to Lexie. It sounded so insignificant, but the truth was that one percent could be everything, the difference between life and death.

"Lexie," Meredith started slowly. This meltdown, it was partially her fault. Why hadn't she seen it earlier? "Lexie, we can figure this out."

"How?" Lexie hastily wiped her tears away. She was attempting to hide them, even as she looked back at Meredith. "I wasn't thinking before. But Bailey just listed all of those risks-"

"She was doing her job," Meredith kept her tone even. "Just like we do ours every day. We have to inform people. But all of those patients, the ones with the worried families, they wake up. And they wonder why the hell we scared them so much."

"They don't always wake up," Lexie said sadly. "You know that."

Meredith wished more than anything that she could argue with her. But she couldn't. Because, in all honesty, Lexie was right. Patients didn't always wake up. There was simply no way to ensure a good outcome.

"Okay," she tried a different tact. "Then why don't you go get Derek for me? He should probably be here. He can help us decide what to do."

Lexie thought about that, but it was obvious that she didn't want to leave.

"Can't you just call him?" she asked anxiously. "Dr. Bailey's about to come in-"

"Dr. Bailey can wait."

Normally, Meredith wouldn't dare to say such a thing, but this was one of those times when it was totally warranted.

"I promise I won't let them wheel me out until you get back. And then we'll decide, okay? All of us can decide together."

Lexie hesitated, checking the clock.

"She's not going anywhere," Mark added gently. He offered Lexie the tiniest smile, hoping to put her at ease. "I'll guard her, I promise."

Lexie's eyes gradually went back to Meredith. Her fingers reached for her necklace and she tugged on the pendant, sliding it along the chain. She loved that necklace. Mark had given it to her for her birthday.

"Okay," she said finally. "I'll get Derek. But don't let Bailey take you."

"I won't."

"You swear?"

"Lexie..." Meredith sighed. "Just go already. The sooner you leave, the sooner you'll be back."

"Alright."

Lexie nodded, though it was hardly convincing. A few more seconds passed, but eventually she let go of her necklace and headed towards the door. She glanced over her shoulder, but Meredith just smiled and gave her a wave.

And with that, she was gone.

Meredith listened intently as her sister's footsteps faded away. Once the coast was clear, she motioned for Mark to close the door. He immediately obliged, poking his head out just to be safe. But they were alone.

"I'm doing the surgery."

She came right out with it, figuring that it was best not to wait. She was sure that he'd want to discuss Lexie's issues, but time was short.

"As soon as she gets back, I'll tell her I'm doing it."

"The transplant surgery?" Mark seemed skeptical. "The one that Lexie was just freaking out about?"

"Yes, that surgery. I'm doing it."

Mark pressed his lips into a frown. He didn't seem to appreciate the matter-of-fact way she had dumped this news on him, news that involved Lexie, the woman he loved.

"So you're just gonna go ahead and settle that all on your own?" He crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Even though you told her you wanted to talk to Derek about it."

"Lexie needed a break, so I gave it to her." Meredith chose to ignore his disdain. "But there's no point in talking to Derek, I already made the decision."

Because she knew Lexie wouldn't… she knew Lexie _couldn't_. It was as simple as that. Meredith gestured behind her, towards the wall that she apparently shared with her father.

"I can't let that guy die. If he dies, Lexie will blame herself. She basically told me to cancel the surgery, so if I do... then she's gonna feel guilty for the rest of her life."

Mark considered that, though he needn't have bothered. The scenario she'd laid out... anyone who'd ever met Lexie could surely picture it. If the transplant was called off, Thatcher's middle child would end up regretting it. She'd never forget that she'd cost her father a healthy new liver.

"But she's right, there could be complications." Meredith had learned to allow for terrible endings. It was her automatic response to situations like this one. "I could die, _he_ could die…"

"Meredith-"

"It's not like it's unheard of, even for donors-"

"Meredith, stop." Mark set his jaw, grabbing the frame at the foot of her bed. "Just stop."

He'd held back for Lexie, but now his aggravation was on full display. He wasn't some fatalist. Christina could easily have this conversation, but Mark… Mark wasn't ready for any of it. Not the death part and certainly not the casual way she was rambling about it.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" he muttered. "And with your sister for that matter? They've done this transplant dozens of times. I've watched from the gallery."

"So?" His confidence seemed insulting somehow. "That doesn't mean anything."

"Of course it means something. It means you'll be fine."

He glanced around the room, searching for another doctor to back him up here. But it was just the two of them, and so he was left wondering if he was the crazy one.

"I don't get it. You're the one who _wants_ to do the surgery. You literally just told me that. So what's the problem here?"

"The problem?"

Meredith was taken aback. Really, he didn't see it? She sat up straighter, folding her legs up under her blankets. Fine, if she had to spell this out for him, then she could definitely do that.

"The problem," she started again, straining to keep her annoyance in check. "Is that while you may live in a bright and shiny world, my family doesn't. Our world, it's messy. We don't catch breaks and we don't skate through anything."

That should have been obvious, even to the boyfriend of the happiest Grey.

"If bad stuff's gonna happen, it's gonna happen to us."

"That's ridiculous."

"No, it's not."

Meredith had spent her whole life waiting for the other shoe to drop, and then the other one and the other one after that. She had hoped that it would stop some day, but it never did.

"Look, the only reason I'm telling you this, is because if something _does_ happen, then this all falls on you."

"Seriously?" Mark let out a bitter laugh, one filled with exasperation. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You're telling me to take care of Lexie if you die?"

"Oh god, no."

Meredith wrinkled her nose. That sounded downright weird. She wasn't Lexie's keeper and besides her sister could take care of herself.

"But she will need someone. If I code or bleed out, then she'll need someone to remind her that this was _my_ decision not hers."

"You're not gonna bleed out," Mark protested.

"But I could."

"You won't."

"But _I could_."

"Oh for godsake." He threw up his hands. He was looking at the situation from the outside, through the detached gaze of a surgeon. And what he saw made no sense to him. "This is insane."

"It's not insane," Meredith countered. "It's just being smart, thinking ahead."

"It's being dramatic!"

Mark was done with this line of discussion. He pointed an accusing finger at her, seeming to forget that they were on the same side.

"_You_ are being dramatic. And Lexie, she's, she's... hell, I don't know what she's doing," he stammered in frustration. "But whatever it is, you're just feeding into it."

"I'm not feeding into anything."

"That girl is scared to death." His voice continued to rise. "She is scared to death and there is absolutely no reason to be."

"Of course there's a reason-"

"No, there's not!" he snapped. "There's not at all!"

People actually paused in the hallway. Meredith could see them on the other side of the blinds, the figures decked out in scrubs and labcoats, caught off guard by the muffled yelling that had come through the walls. Hell, even Mark seemed surprised by his outburst.

Meredith waited as he steadied himself.

"There is a reason to be scared," she said gently. "For Lexie, there is. There always will be."

Mark visibly wilted, seemingly drained by this conversation. He was totally at a loss here. He loved Lexie, he really did, and it was killing him not to be able to help her.

"She's observed this procedure," he insisted, his weariness becoming all the more evident. "She's studied it. She's a doctor, a surgeon..."

"Yeah, but she's also somebody's kid." Lexie's sheer terror, her fear of the unknown, it hadn't just popped up out of nowhere. "That's a lot for her to carry. That's a lot for anyone to carry."

"Maybe." Mark dropped his head, resting his hands on the back of his neck. "But can we all just face the facts here? Without the surgery, her dad's gonna die anyway."

_Her dad…_

It took a second for his statement to register. Meredith had been staring down at her sheets, her gaze unfocused, her mind still on Lexie. But now, she looked up.

"That's not who I meant..."

The realization hit her all at once. He didn't know...

Mark Sloan didn't know.

She'd be waiting for this all to click into place, hoping that she wouldn't have to explain. She didn't want to go back to that horrible day. She didn't want to relive the failed procedures, the gut-wrenching sadness. And so she'd pushed and hinted, assuming he'd get it sooner or later. But he wouldn't. He wouldn't, because he didn't know.

Maybe he'd heard the story somewhere along the way, but the full details… Lexie must have kept those to herself.

"Her mom died at this hospital, Mark."

She spoke carefully. She had to make sure he grasped the full meaning of what she was saying. Here in this situation, Lexie wasn't some rational surgeon. She was a scared little girl, a child without a mother.

"Susan Grey, she was our patient, Dr. Bailey's patient. We took her into the OR and she never came out. She _was_ the one percent chance."

It was still so hard to believe…

"And all she came in with was a case of the hiccups."

She watched as the color drained from Mark's cheeks. Gradually, he backed away, his hands falling to his sides as he processed it all. It made sense, of course, why Lexie had begged for the transplant, but also why she'd become so frightened once Meredith had agreed to it, once the procedure had become a reality.

"Son of a bitch." Mark let out a breath. The connections were so obvious now. "So here you are going into surgery, you _and_ your dad… same hospital, same doctor."

"But in this case, Lexie asked for the surgery," Meredith went on. That was the part that scared her the most. "So imagine how she's gonna feel if something goes wrong."

Mark took that in, pondered it for at least a full minute. This was their best shot, their only shot to save Lexie's father… they couldn't _not_ do it. But going through with the transplant was risky as well. If one of them died, under these circumstances, with all the baggage and history swirling around, it would destroy Lexie. They both knew it. Her anxiety attack had been a mere preview of what would be coming.

"It could be bad," Meredith said softly. "For my sister, it could be really bad. So if something _does_ go wrong-"

"No," Mark shook his head abruptly. His entire demeanor had shifted somehow Maybe it was just the thought of Lexie falling apart again, but his weariness was gone, exchanged for a steely determination. His bright blue eyes locked right onto hers.

"Don't let it go wrong."

"What?"

"Don't let it go wrong."

Meredith waited for the follow up, the part where he explained how she had control over any of this. But nothing came. She smiled a little, unable to tell if he was joking or not.

"It's not like I plan on dying in there."

"Are you sure about that?" He was totally serious. "Because right now you're doing this whole doom and gloom thing. That's all I keep hearing, what I should do if you land in the morgue, how I should look out for Lexie..."

"Because I want my sister to be okay." Meredith had found herself on the defensive. "This is major surgery. These procedures can easily go downhill, so if mine does-"

"Stop thinking about ifs," he cut her off easily. He had suddenly taken on the role of a drill sergeant. "What the hell good is that gonna do you? You go into that OR defiant. You go in there knowing that this is a routine procedure and that you're gonna kick its ass. No complications, no bleeding. You're gonna make it so easy that a med student could do it."

Meredith blinked, wondering if she'd heard him correctly.

"You're telling me to think positive?"

"I'm telling you to think like a surgeon," he shot back. "A surgeon who's seen this done over and over again. Forget all the lousy stuff your family has been through. You're strong and Bailey's a hell of a doctor. This is gonna be simple, boring. This is gonna be the most boring procedure we've ever done in this hospital. We're all gonna want to take a nap afterwards."

Meredith stared at him, struggling to reconcile this strangely persuasive personality with the goofy, smiling guy she so often saw in the hallways. But she understood what he was trying to say to her. State of mind counted for something. She couldn't prove it, but still... With her history, a bit of positivity might be a welcome and much needed change.

"You're right..." The admission came grudgingly, but she had to give credit where credit was due. "You're actually right."

"Of course, I am." He brightened a little. Already his intensity had come down a notch. He was clearly proud of himself, proud of finding a way to help Lexie, but also proud of convincing the generally stubborn Meredith Grey. "And that might just be the first time you've ever said that to me."

"Probably-"

"Outside of a medical capacity…" He steam rolled ahead, before she could provide too strong an agreement. "I mean I _am_ your superior here." He smiled. "So in this hospital, I'm always right."

Meredith resisted the urge to dispute that idea. He was enjoying this lighter moment they'd stumbled upon. And she wasn't quite ready to take it away from him.

"Fine," she allowed. "You can be right in the OR. But when it comes to my family, you're just another person with an opinion."

Mark shoved his hands into his pockets, his smile still firmly in place.

"An opinion that was right this time."

"Yes," she sighed. "For once, you were right."

It still pained her to give him the credit, but just as she'd recognized the issue with Lexie, he had recognized the issue with her. Meredith was falling back into old habits, expecting the worst, preparing for it. This was her MO. But she couldn't do that here, not in this situation.

Lexie had earned her worry. She'd earned it by picking up a phone in Boston and listening as her happy, perfect world imploded. She'd had no warning, no chance to adjust, and no help putting the pieces back together again… at least not right away.

But now she had people… she had Mark and she had Meredith. And they weren't going to let that happen again. Meredith _refused _to let that happen again. So she couldn't focus on her own doubts… she couldn't fret about horrible outcomes and worst-case scenarios.

Her task was simple… to get through this surgery. She just had to take a deep breath, think cheery thoughts and stay away from the ghosts that lived near the light. Then everyone's concerns would be a moot point. She'd wake up, feeling foolish for even discussing this stuff. And Lexie would be all smiles again.

They just had to get through this... all of them, together.

_All of them..._

Meredith bit her lip as something tickled the back of her mind.

There was another person in this equation, one she didn't want to think about, but couldn't ignore. He was a part of this too, a huge part... None of this would work without him.

Crap…

Two surgeries... they needed two perfect surgeries with two perfect outcomes. So there was a second patient who had to survive.

Meredith sat up abruptly.

"Give me your labcoat." She held her hand out to Mark, already shoving her blankets aside. The goose bumps came instantly and she hurriedly waved her fingers at him. "I'm just gonna borrow it for a second."

"I'm sorry, are you going somewhere?"

Mark grinned. He could only assume she was making a joke. But as she slid her legs off the side of the bed, his grin faded fast.

"Wait, don't tell me you changed your mind."

"Of course not." Her toes hit the floor and she let out a gasp. Damn, that was cold. "But there's someone else I need to talk to."

Mark's mouth opened as if he might actually lodge a protest, but in the end, nothing came out. He just stood there, staring at her in confusion. After their big, lengthy debate about surgeries, this was the one thing he hadn't seen coming.

"Mark, are you going to give me your coat or not?" Meredith crossed her arms, wishing she'd kept her socks on at least. Wow, it really was freezing in here. She bounced on the balls of her feet, hoping that would keep her a little bit warm.

"Mark?

"No." Mark finally snapped back to his senses. He shook his head forcefully, backing away from her. "No way. You promised her that you wouldn't leave. _I_ promised her."

"Oh for godsake, I'm coming right back." Meredith rolled her eyes. And here he had the nerve to call her dramatic. "I already said I was doing the surgery. And I'm gonna think positive and it's gonna be fine."

"No it's not," he said quickly. "Not if you're out of that bed when Lexie returns."

"Then give me your damn coat so I that I can get back here. We both know this gown barely covers my ass."

"Meredith-"

"You're dating my little sister, Dr. Sloan." She gave him a tight, inpatient smile. "Now's your opportunity to prove you're a gentlemen."

Mark scowled at her. Meredith had played her best card and he had no defense for it. Besides, he was too flustered to argue anymore.

"Fine." He yanked the coat off, giving it an extra tug as it snagged on his elbows. "But you'd better get back here-"

"I will."

"I'm serious-"

"I will!"

Meredith took the jacket then slid it on in one smooth motion, flipping her hair out of the collar. The sleeves fell past her fingertips, but she was happy for the extra length in the back. At least this way, she wouldn't be flashing half the hospital.

"If Lexie beats me back here, just tell her..." Meredith trailed off, surveying her empty bed. He was right, if Lexie saw that, then it was all over.

She gave Mark a reassuring pat on the shoulder then headed for the door.

"Actually, on second thought, just don't let her in."

* * *

Luckily, the hallway had emptied a bit.

Meredith stayed off to one side, her back pressed to the wall, her jacket pulled tight around her. She really didn't want anyone catching her out here. She'd somehow managed to hide her patient status from most of her co-workers. So if they spotted her now, then she'd just become that doctor who'd forgotten her pants. And if they saw she was wearing Sloan's jacket... her stomach churned at the implications. That would be so much worse.

She shuffled along silently, craning her neck to see how much farther she needed to go. His room was only a few feet away... thankfully. Her head darted around. A group of doctors had gathered near the nurses' station, but happily they were buried in charts... The coast was clear.

Meredith took a deep breath and slipped through the doorway.

It was dark... that was the first thing she noticed. Outside the sun was setting, but no one had bothered to turn on the lights. It gave the place an eerie feel, as if everything around her was fading away.

Across the room, her father was propped up in his bed, the blankets tucked up under his arms. She'd talked to him just a short while ago, but he looked smaller somehow, weaker. She couldn't believe this was the same man she'd yelled at in that parking lot. The guy who'd dumped Lexie's stuff all over the ground…

"Meredith."

He'd finally caught sight of her, hovering near the shadows.

"What are you doing here?" he asked. "Is the surgery off?"

"No, it's not off."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I am."

She'd expected her answer to bring some relief. But instead, she saw only disappointment. It was as if she'd just delivered bad news. This transplant, it was his second chance at life. And somehow it seemed like he didn't even want it.

_Don't let it go wrong… _

She heard Mark's voice in her head. He'd spoken with such resolve, such conviction… but here there was only sadness and despair. No one could go from this into surgery…

"We can still stop it," her father murmured. "We can-"

"No…" Meredith shook her head slowly. "We can't."

Because somewhere in this hospital, a young doctor was depending on them. Lexie... Lexie was depending on them.

Meredith took a step closer to her father's bed.

"Look, I know that you don't want to do this," she waded in cautiously, ever aware of how fragile he was.

"Meredith-"

"Please, stop." She held her hand up. "Dr. Bailey's gonna be here any minute. And I'm sure she told you the risks. I'm sure she went through them step by step, possible complications, death, all of it."

He flinched just a little, thinking about the wife he had lost. His grief permeated the room, filling every inch of it.

"But here's the thing," she willed herself to go on. "You _need_ to be okay." She focused on his face, on his sunken cheeks, his despondent expression. "Through this surgery, after this surgery. You _need_ to be okay."

"I stopped drinking," he mumbled half heartedly. "I'm done with all that."

"That's not what I mean..."

Meredith faltered, dropping her hand. This was one of those times… she couldn't tiptoe around it. She had to confront their situation head on. He was depressed, lost… he simply could not continue this way.

"Look, this whole thing sucks," she started again. "I mean, I get that you've felt crappy these last few years, because of Susan… because of what happened to her... and everything that came after. And you feel bad about taking my liver, which I appreciate. I do. But I'm asking you to forget all of that. You need to forget all of that and just get through this surgery."

"I can't," he said softly. He seemed surprised that she'd even suggest such a thing. "I can't forget what I've done, what I'm about to do. It's not fair to you. And your sister-"

"Needs you to live," Meredith cut him off. "Lexie needs you to live. I already told you. If you go in there thinking you're some kind of burden to her, if you give up and die, then that girl's an orphan."

Thatcher's gaze fell. This must have crossed his mind already. Susan was gone, Molly was living somewhere overseas...

"We're her family," Meredith reminded him. Her only hope was that he was listening, really listening to her for once in his life. "She could certainly do better, but we are the ones she got stuck with. And for some reason, she loves us both. It's probably the only thing we have in common right now."

"Maybe…"

He was near tears. His skin was pale, his fingers were trembling. She'd never seen him in such a pitiful state. Still, Meredith knew that she had to press forward. She'd come here for a reason.

"So if you go into surgery and see some kind of light… it's gonna be all warm and inviting. And you're gonna want to go into it. But don't." She was adamant. "I don't care how upset you are, or how much you want to see Susan, you stay away from it."

"Meredith…" he heaved a sigh and the tears began to spill down his cheeks. But she wasn't letting up.

"Right here, in this room, we're both gonna agree to get through this. And then we can deal with the rest of it later. And I promise, I'll try harder, I will. And things will get better."

There had been so much anger, so much suffering and resentment, but she and her father, they had to team up, just this once.

"We'll do it for Lexie... because that's what she wants and that's what she needs. The two of us, together."

Meredith stuck her hand out, just far enough for her father to reach. He stared at it for a long, long moment.

"So," she looked him straight in the eye, ignoring the tears and the pain and all of that ugliness that came with the past. "Do we have a deal?"

* * *

**Hey guys. Sorry it has taken so long to update. But this was a pretty lengthy chapter and I wanted to try and get it just right. I hope it was worth the extra time. **

**Anyway, **_**Tainted Obligation**_** has always been one of my favorite episodes. I loved the brief glimpse into Meredith and Lexie's relationship and I liked the idea that Meredith did the surgery for Lexie, not Thatcher. Still, at the time, I kind of wanted them to go deeper. There was so much history there, with Susan's death in the very same hospital. They didn't really get a chance to explore that aspect of it or what it would mean for Lexie to risk Meredith in order to save her father. So that's basically where this chapter came from. I also enjoyed having yet another conversation between Meredith and Mark. They both love Lexie and it's fun to watch them sort of fight over her and for her all at the same time.**

**Okay, that's it for now. Thanks so much to everyone who's been reading and reviewing. And yes, again, I'm really loving all those detailed comments, quotes etc. They make all the crazy long hours of writing totally worth it. Also, a special shout out to the new readers. Thanks for joining up! If you know anyone else who might like this story, please send them along. **

**And as always, please review if you can! I'd be so, so appreciative… :)**


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter Twenty-One**

"_Sometimes the past is something you just can't let go of. And sometimes the past is something we'll do anything to forget. And sometimes we learn something new about the past that changes everything we know about the present." __–Meredith Grey_

* * *

"Meredith…"

She stood at the door, seemingly frozen. She forced herself to inhale, then exhale, inhale then exhale. She could do this… For Lexie, she could absolutely do this.

"Hi," she managed to get one word out. "Hi, there."

And that was two more…

It was a start, a slow, plodding start, but a start nonetheless.

Her father was certainly surprised to see her… but also happy, she could tell. It wasn't in an over the top way. There was no big exclamation, no hurried gesture, welcoming her inside. But his expression brightened a little. He stood a bit taller as he leaned against the door. His sweater was rumpled, but at least his hair had been combed.

"I didn't expect to see you here." His voice was soft, but clear.

_I didn't expect to be here…_

Not ever again. She'd stopped over just once since Susan had died, that night when they'd stolen Lexie's belongings. And since the plane crash, she'd avoided this area all together.

"I'm sorry," Meredith hooked her thumb back towards the street. "I should have called, but I was just in the neighborhood."

It was a total lie and he probably knew it.

"Well I'm glad." He opened the door wider, a gentle smile playing across his face. "Why don't you come in?"

"Okay."

Meredith took a tentative step inside. He switched on a few more lights, scaring the shadows back into the corners. She'd expected some sort of mess, the world of someone who didn't bother anymore. But the living room at least, was neat and tidy. Shoes were lined up by the door. There weren't any stray food boxes lying around.

"The place looks good," she said quietly. "It looks… really nice."

"Thanks." He rubbed the back of his neck, his eyes darting around the house. He seemed a tad self-conscious. "Susan uh, she decorated. She did most of the decorating. I just keep it up, that's all."

Meredith nodded, moving farther into the room. The furniture had been carefully arranged to face the fireplace and a huge family portrait hung over the mantel. Susan, Thatcher, Lexie and Molly were all there, staring down at her. They'd been sitting outside in a field full of beautiful flowers, each of them grinning for the camera. Judging from their ages, the photo had been taken just a few short months before Susan had died.

That was over five years ago now. Lexie looked just like the intern who'd walked into her hospital, the one she still saw every night...

"So, Derek called." Thatcher stood in the middle of the room, not quite sure what to do with himself. He tucked his hands into his pockets, leaned to one side. "He said you were upset, you know, about the boxes…"

The shame was written all over his face.

He hadn't understood... It dawned on her as she tried to figure out some way to respond. She'd been so angry, so furious at him... but her father hadn't meant to hurt her. He'd never even considered how she might feel when Lexie's stuff disappeared. Besides, it wasn't like she'd protested back in the locker room.

"I wasn't upset," Meredith said softly. She was rewriting history, but it didn't seem to matter that much any more. "I just… I didn't know, that's all. It just caught me by surprise."

"Well I'm sorry about that," he mumbled. "That's on me. I should have made sure to talk to you first. And the locker, I should have talked to you about that too."

"No, it's okay."

"It's not." His voice began to pick up some strength. "She was your sister. She lived with you and you should've had some say in the matter."

"Maybe," she conceded his point, not wanting to argue. "But it's fine now."

He crossed his arms then shifted his weight again. Maybe he was just as nervous as she was. Maybe he was just as lost...

"I know you've been through a lot." He spoke haltingly, unsure of how to talk about this. "It wasn't just Lexie. I mean, she's, she's the one we lost. But you were there too and I can't imagine…" The words caught in his throat. He swallowed and his eyes grew shiny with tears. "I don't want to make things any worse for you, that's all. So you tell me, please tell me if there's something you need, or want, or don't want… like with the boxes. Please just tell me."

"Okay…"

She took a breath as her face grew warm. All those messy emotions were flooding right back again. Sadness... and guilt. So much guilt. She'd shut him out, this man who had lost half his family.

"Okay, I will. I'll try."

"Good." He sniffled a little. "That's good, thanks."

He wasn't a bad guy. That was the part that always surprised her. She'd spent so much of her childhood and plenty of her adulthood being angry at him, imagining what an awful person he must be. And then, when Susan had died, those feelings had immediately gone into overdrive. She'd watched him berate Lexie, watched him crumble under the pressure of his own grief. But, if she was being honest with herself, she understood that. Now… now she definitely understood it. He wasn't bad. He was simply weak. Where she had learned to run from her pain, to hide it if necessary, he had simply let himself drown.

"Are you alright?"

The question came out before she could stop herself. She hadn't planned to be so direct with him, but here they were, with the past staring them down.

"I mean, have you been…" she trailed off. The glass on the table had caught her eye earlier. "Have you been..."

"Have I been drinking?"

Meredith inwardly cringed as he finished up for her. But strangely enough, the question seemed to relax him. It was as if he'd been waiting for this to come up.

"No." He shook his head. He wanted so badly to be honest with her, to connect on some level. "I thought about it, believe me. When Molly was here, I had her check the entire house, the cabinets, the closets, everything."

His eyes followed the path Molly must have taken. His expression was full of frustration and regret.

"What Lexie went through after Susan…I can't do that to anyone ever again."

Meredith had a sneaking suspicion that he wanted to go back there, to talk about that time, to maybe apologize. But Meredith wasn't ready.

"Good." It was the only thing she could say at the moment. Why was it still so hard to talk to her father? "I mean it's good, that you... that you had her check."

He had noticed her struggle. Her discomfort must have been painfully obvious because he was watching her carefully. Every few seconds he would glance away, to pretend like he wasn't. But she knew. She could tell.

Meredith was so used to being the strong one in their relationship, but here she was stuck. This house… she could almost picture a Christmas tree in the corner, picture Lexie as a little kid unwrapping presents and playing with toys. She could see Susan taking prom photos, the whole family dancing around when her sister got accepted to college, then med school… She realized now that there were so many stories she'd never gotten to hear, so many questions she'd never had the chance to ask Lexie.

"Would you like to sit?" Thatcher indicated a chair. It appeared comfortable, inviting even. But Meredith didn't move.

"I actually…" she pressed her lips together, balled her shaking hands into fists. "I was actually searching for something, something of Lexie's."

"Ah," he seemed to understand. "Something that came back in one of the boxes…"

"Yeah." Meredith tucked her hair behind her ears. She didn't want to go into that room, to see it so sad and empty. But she knew that she had to.

"It's not for me," she said quickly. "It's for… someone else, someone else who's having a hard time."

Thatcher met her gaze, allowing that gentle smile to reappear. He wanted so badly to put her at ease.

"Well, let's see if we can find it then."

"Okay..." Meredith let out a breath.

Her father simply nodded.

"Okay."

He turned and started down the long hallway, happy to actually have some place to go and better yet, someone to follow him. But almost immediately, Meredith paused.

"Is that Lexie?"

Maybe she was attempting to postpone the inevitable, but the photos lining the wall had grabbed her attention. There was one in particular of an adorable, dark haired baby, grinning at the camera.

"Yeah, that's Lex." Her father's smile grew, but it was still bittersweet. "Susan was always putting their pictures up. Lexie got one side, Molly got the other."

"Wow..."

He was right. The hallway was like a timeline of their lives. Meredith finally started moving again, but her focus stayed on that wall to her left. The adorable baby ushered them out of the living room. Then came a dimpled toddler in a pretty blue dress, a kindergartener with a lunch box, a middle-schooler with a big, happy dog, a teenager proudly holding her diploma…

Eventually, they arrived at a door. It was closed, of course, and Meredith could see all the little dings, the holes where thumbtacks had posted up childish, handwritten placards. Once upon a time, she'd had similar signs, ones that screamed "Do Not Enter" in large black letters. But here she imagined drawings of rainbows, large bubble letters and huge smiley faces.

This was Lexie's room. This was where her sister had lived.

She remembered it now, from her infamous break-in several years back. Meredith and Alex had opened every other door before they'd found this one. And she'd had no clue what to expect. She'd been giggling, riding a wave of adrenaline, teasing Alex about his ridiculous ski mask. But once they were inside, all of that silliness had faded away. She'd stood there and admired the room. And it was as if she'd actually seen her sister for the very first time, really seen who she was beyond the lab coat and all of that stammering.

If Meredith closed her eyes, she could still picture it. Her mind had taken a snapshot, as if realizing that someday she would need such a memory... as if realizing that someday it would all be gone.

Lexie's bulletin board had been covered with awards and cards and little notes her mother had written her over the years. A trombone had sat in the corner. Two different Etch-A-Sketches had been on her desk. Notebooks filled with essays and stories had lined the bookshelves. And a few stuffed animals had sat on her chair, some of them almost as old as she was…

It had taken them a few hours, just a few short hours to pack everything up. Lexie had spent decades decorating, making the place her own and they'd cleared it out in a single night. After that, Meredith had sworn to never come back. She'd been doing her sister a favor, protecting her belongings, but she hadn't wanted to see that kind of emptiness ever again.

And yet here she was…

Meredith waited, crossing her arms nervously as Thatcher opened the door. The boxes… she'd filled all of those boxes here, by the dim glow of a flashlight. Had they found their way back? Were they filling the void where her chair had once been? Were they shoved in the closet, stacked to the ceiling?

"I couldn't remember it all…" Thatcher gave the door a nudge as it stuck on the carpeting. "I was sort of, sort of out of it the last time she lived here."

"It's okay…" Meredith was only half listening. She was trying to guess which box she should check. Maybe the one he had packed in the locker room? "I know she had a lot of stuff."

"That was Lexie." Thatcher managed one more smile. "We used to call her our little pack rat. She kept everything."

"Yeah…" Meredith finally followed him in. "Yeah, she did."

There was the sweet smell of laundry detergent, still hanging around after all of this time. But that wasn't the thing that caused her to gasp.

Meredith's eyes widened. Her hands dropped to her sides and suddenly she felt like she was going to faint.

There were no boxes, no boxes at all. Not one piece of cardboard was left in the room. And yet, by some miracle, the place was full. The pictures, the notebooks, the aging stuffed animals. Every single one of Lexie's belongings had found its way home again.

Her room looked exactly the same as it had five long years ago. It was as if Meredith had traveled back in time to that night… as if she and Alex had never arrived, as if those boxes had never existed. There were even extra pieces. Those items that Thatcher had tossed on the ground, the ones Lexie had cried over, those were here too.

"It took a few days…" His voice was quiet as he peered into the room. "But I think... I think I got it all back where it started."

Meredith was speechless. Her father had stood here, spent hours of painstaking work rebuilding Lexie's world. She had been so worried about boxes. She'd been worried that he'd pack Lexie away and try to forget. But he'd actually done the exact opposite. And the result… it had her close to tears.

"I hope you can find what you're searching for."

He remained in the doorway, not quite ready to step inside with her yet.

"Whatever you need, just take it. I know Lexie would want you to have it."

Meredith moved forward slowly, her legs shaky as she made a deliberate circle around the room. The bulletin board... a few new pictures were tacked up on the edges. She spotted the one of Lexie and George in their apartment. And there was one of her and Meredith, taken at Zola's first birthday party. Derek had held up his camera and-click-another moment frozen in time.

Meredith smiled as she reached out to touch the picture, her fingers running over its glossy surface.

"Thank you," she murmured.

She wanted to tell her father how much this all meant, how happy she was that he'd found a way to keep Lexie alive, how grateful she was that he'd shared it with her...

But as she glanced over, she realized, with a sinking heart, that the doorway was empty.

Her father had slipped away.

And she was alone.

* * *

**Well that was one of the shorter chapters, but I wanted to get something up since I know it's been awhile since my last update. Plus, I wanted to finally get back to present day Thatcher and Meredith. I have some more work to do on the next few chapters, so I figured I'd see if you guys are still out there. Hope you're still around and enjoying the story. If so, I'll continue. There's still a lot more story to tell. Next up, more flashbacks…**

**Anyway, as always, please read and review if you can. Questions, comments, favorite sections, I'll take any and all of it. :)**


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter Twenty-Two**

"_The truth is, I don't know anyone who isn't haunted by something… or someone. So the only way we can clear out the cobwebs is to turn a new page. Or put an old story to rest. Finally, finally to rest." –Meredith Grey_

* * *

God, it hurt…

Sometimes it was easy to forget. Bodies weren't meant to be sliced into pieces. Sure, she and her friends did it on a daily basis, with the best of intentions. More often than not, it was to save someone's life. But still… being on the other side gave you a whole new perspective. Crap. It hurt. Meredith grimaced as she shifted a little. It really hurt.

She leaned to one side, silently cursing the surgery and her now half-sized liver and the stupid, uncomfortable hospital bed. The sheets were scratchy and the pillow… ugh. She was just about ready to launch it across the room when Lexie suddenly appeared.

"Heeeey…" Her sister was as chipper as ever. "You're awake!"

Her entire face lit up as she stumbled inside, juggling a stack of magazines and a fresh cup of coffee. Meredith regarded her with dismay.

"I distinctly remember telling you to go home."

She'd spent most of the morning watching Lexie nod off in her chair. She was sure her sister was completely drained, and not just from her stay the previous evening. That part she was used to. The mental stress though… that was another story entirely.

"I'm fine," Lexie assured her. "I got out, I changed-"

"Lexie, you didn't even leave the hospital." Meredith gestured at her sad excuse for a wardrobe. "You're in scrubs. And I know for a fact that you have the day off."

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I do," Meredith was totally on to her. "I had Derek check. _You_ are not on the schedule, not in the OR, not in the pit, not anywhere."

Lexie's eyebrows shot up in surprise.

"Derek told on me?"

"Of course he did."

Lexie should have seen that one coming. Wife would always beat sister-in-law. And besides, Meredith was lying here in a hospital bed. Derek would give her whatever she wanted. It was one of the few advantages of being a patient.

"Fine," Lexie realized she couldn't win this one. "It doesn't even matter, because if you're trapped here, then so am I."

She took a seat beside Meredith, dropping the magazines onto the bed.

"That's not how this works," Meredith protested. "Derek said you've got some big procedure tomorrow. Meanwhile, you've exhausted yourself worrying and now you look like crap."

"Liar."

"I'm not lying." Meredith made a big show of looking her over. "I'm absolutely serious. Your shoes are untied, your hair's a mess and someone could go shopping with the bags under your eyes."

"Go ahead and keep trying," Lexie grinned. She knew she had the upper hand here. As if to rub it in further, she sat back in her chair, propping her feet on the edge of the bed frame. "There's no way you're getting rid of me."

"I'll page Mark," Meredith warned her. "I will, I'll do it."

That was her secret weapon, the one she'd been counting on. Yes, Mark would generally answer to Lexie, but when he was worried about her, all bets were off.

"Don't test me, Lexie. He'll carry you out of here if he has to."

"Mark's in surgery." Her sister's smirk kept on growing. "Try again."

"Fine, I'll call Bailey-"

"She's got a laparotomy."

"Alex-"

"Appendectomy."

"Derek-"

"Craniotomy."

Meredith scowled as Lexie took a sip of her coffee. She'd certainly come prepared. Of course with her memory, it was easy to nail down everyone's schedules. One quick check of the board and she was all set.

"I can keep going if you want," she laughed as she lowered the cup from her lips. "Christina's got the pit, Izzie's at home, Callie is reconstructing a hand and Robbins is off helping adorable children. Everyone's booked…"

She rested her head against the back of her chair, clearly pleased with herself.

"Everyone except me."

That just about figured… Meredith was mad at herself for not calling Mark earlier. But it was too late now. Lexie was here, tired, a bit loopy and persistent as ever.

"So, what?" Meredith couldn't help but needle her a little. "You're my entertainment?"

"I am indeed," Lexie played right along. "And you should consider yourself lucky."

"Oh really?"

"Yes, I've been told I am excellent company."

"Maybe to the happy face guild," Meredith teased her. "But for me, that could be a whole different story."

"Hey, _I_ can stand in for Christina." Lexie's cheery smile totally undercut her own statement. "I can mock patients and I can be all morose and dark-"

"Lexie, you don't have a dark bone in your body." Meredith gave her a pointed look. "I could get Alex to do a scan on you right now and everything would show up all bright and shiny. You'd probably blind him."

Lexie wrinkled her nose, but didn't actually bother to argue with her. She was well aware that her personality was sunnier than some of her colleagues. Then again, with Alex and Christina, that wasn't saying much.

"Fine, I'm sorry I'm not gloomy enough for you," Lexie folded her hands around her coffee cup, completely relaxed. "But I am here if you need anything. And I did bring trashy reading material," she nodded towards the magazines. "So, you know, bonus."

"Oh for godsakes," Meredith sighed. Her sister had certainly inherited that Grey stubborn streak. "If I read those, then will you go home and sleep?"

"No."

"Lexie-"

"I'm not leaving and you can't make me." Lexie lifted her shoulders in an exaggerated shrug, still sporting that big, goofy smile. "Face it, you're stuck with me, Meredith Grey."

"Oh really?"

"Really."

Meredith pursed her lips, then leaned to her left, reaching towards the pile of magazines. She had every intention of snatching one up and swatting Lexie's leg with it. But her plan quickly backfired and she came up short, gasping in pain.

"Oh, oww!" Meredith squeezed her eyes shut. "Ow, ow, ow!"

"What?! Are your sutures pulling?"

Lexie shot forward, hastily yanking the blankets aside.

"I can call Dr. Bailey, or the Chief-"

"No, I'm fine," Meredith managed to squeak. She slowly opened her eyes then nudged Lexie's hands away. There was no way she was letting her sister see the results of that surgery. It would only freak her out more.

"I'm just a little sore, that's all."

"Well are the meds helping?" Lexie asked anxiously. "Because, if they're not-"

"No, they are." Meredith focused on the ceiling, then gently eased back into position. The pain was gradually subsiding at least. She tried to crack a smile.

"But wow, do I wish they'd taken your liver instead."

As soon as she said it, she knew it was wrong. Christina would get the joke. Derek probably would too. But not Lexie... not on this particular occasion. Meredith took another careful breath, then stole a glance at her sister.

Sure enough, Lexie's grin was long gone. And all of that enthusiasm, that playful energy, it had slipped away too. Her head was down and her expression was a mixture of horror and shame.

"Oh come on, Lex."

Meredith had somehow landed a sucker punch she'd never meant to throw. But her sister was just so damned sensitive. The sleep deprivation probably wasn't helping. Lexie's defenses were certainly down.

"I'm kidding. It's fine. _I'm_ fine. Trust me, I can take it."

But Lexie just shook her head. Her attention shifted around, first to the IV stand, then to the monitors. As a doctor, it was run of the mill. As the family of a patient it seemed cold, uninviting… basically awful.

"Besides, I get the next couple weeks off." Meredith was determined to put a positive spin on this. "And that means breakfast in bed and lots of time watching surgical videos…"

Lexie still wasn't biting. She just sat there, picking at the lid of her coffee cup.

"It'll be great, because Christina, she's gonna go crazy," Meredith decided to play her last card. "She'll be here dealing with charts and annoying patients, while I'm at home learning some new procedure she's dying to try. She _hates_ it when I study without her."

Lexie finally smiled a little. The idea of her former resident squirming… it didn't exactly break her heart.

"She's gonna hate it even more if you come back and kick ass."

"Oh, I plan on it," Meredith shot her a devious grin. "First surgery I get. I'll make sure you're in the gallery with her, just so you can see the look on her face."

"Okay."

Lexie's smile spread. It was genuine, happy. And that was it… the reason they called her bright and shiny. When Lexie was down, she didn't stay down long. She always, always found a way to bounce back.

"Okay." Meredith settled into her pillow, thankful they'd bypassed at least one awkward moment. "So you're good?"

"Yeah," Lexie gave her an appreciative nod. "I'm good."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure."

Lexie's cheeks flushed just the tiniest bit. Most people wouldn't notice, but Meredith did. Their roles had reversed and now Lexie was the one being fussed over. She still wasn't used to that kind of treatment, at least not from her older sister.

"I'm sorry." Her smile turned rueful. "You know about yesterday, about freaking out on you like that. That was... yeah, that was kind of embarrassing."

She'd ultimately calmed down, just before Meredith had been wheeled into surgery. But it had taken quite a bit of cajoling, from her sister and Bailey. Even the chief had weighed in on the matter. Three doctors arguing with one brand new, tearful resident.

Lexie visibly cringed at the memory.

"Mark probably thought I'd lost it completely."

"Mark was fine."

It was a simple statement, honest and accurate. Meredith had actually been rather impressed with him, but she didn't feel like sharing that part with Lexie.

"He's a doctor. He's seen worried families just like the rest of us. And besides, being the one in the waiting room kinda sucks too."

"It does." Lexie's expression grew pensive. She hadn't even made it that far with her mother. And then last night… that must have been pure torture for her.

"It really, really does."

"You were scared," Meredith offered. "You had every right to be scared. That's how this stuff goes sometimes. We're just used to seeing it from the other side."

"Yeah, I know." Lexie brushed a lock of hair from her cheek, tucking it behind her ear. "The doctor side is way easier."

"It definitely is."

It was easier than being the family… and it was certainly easier than being the patient.

Meredith was struggling desperately not to show it, but the truth was that she hated it here. She hated being in this hospital bed. She hated feeling vulnerable, hated having the nurses she'd so often ordered around, suddenly poking and prodding at her. It was awful.

But Lexie... Lexie was not the person to share that with, at least not today.

Maybe if they just watched TV or something... Then they could pretend this was normal, that they were at home in the living room, not a care in the world. They could forget about their father, forget about the surgery and get lost in some cheesy afternoon programming... hell, she'd take an _actual_ soap opera over her life right now.

Meredith gritted her teeth, steeling herself as she reached for the remote. This time she was expecting the pain. But still, she couldn't stop the groan that escaped her lips. Lexie immediately jumped from her seat.

"I'm fine." Meredith held up her hand. Her sister was staring, her dark eyes growing wide with concern. "Don't look at me like that."

"I'm not."

Lexie quickly averted her gaze, but it was apparent that she wanted to do something more, fluff the pillows, straighten the bed, anything to make her sister feel better. But there was nothing… so instead she took a tentative step towards the window, pretending to admire their view of the parking lot. She stood there for a long time, her feet planted in one spot.

And with that, the room fell silent once more... Meredith took it in, enjoying the moment. People had been coming through all day, checking on her, visiting, bringing gifts and flowers even. But the nurses weren't due for another hour at least... and according to Lexie everyone else was currently occupied.

There were no more questions, no more worries. The sun was streaming through the glass and it was warm and peaceful. Meredith lay her head back and closed her eyes again. Maybe if she fell asleep, her little sister would sit down and fall asleep too.

"But you'll tell me, right?" Lexie's voice interrupted her thoughts. So much for that plan... "I mean, if you need anything else-"

"I'll tell you."

"You promise?"

"Lexie…" Meredith opened her eyes. At some point, this was gonna get old. "I'm fine and if I'm not fine, then you will be the very first person I tell. That will be my gift to you."

Lexie broke into a sheepish smile.

"Sorry."

Meredith sighed then pulled the blankets up even higher. She shifted her lumpy pillow around and was just about to close her eyes for a third time, when she caught Lexie watching her.

Uh-oh.

Meredith knew that look. Her sister wanted something. That sweet, innocent face had gotten Meredith into plenty of trouble before. In fact, it was the very thing that had landed her here.

Meredith waited. It wasn't like she could go anywhere.

"You know, I saw Dad earlier…"

Aw, there it was... there was what Lexie was so keen on discussing.

"He told me how you visited him, how you made him promise that he'd come through this okay."

"Yeah, well, it seemed like a good idea," Meredith tried to act nonchalant.

She really didn't want to make a big deal of this. That conversation had never been meant for her sister's ears. But apparently, their father hadn't figured that out.

"He keeps asking about you." Lexie rolled her cup between her palms, then finally set it aside. "He was worried, even this morning after I said you were fine. He made sure to ask one of the nurses, just in case I was lying."

That last part caught Meredith off guard. She glanced over at Lexie, curious now.

"Why would you lie?"

"To protect him," Lexie hesitated. "And he knows I would do that. Because he knows that _I_ _know_ that he cares about you."

"Maybe it's the drugs," Meredith squinted at her. "But that last sentence didn't really make any sense."

Lexie crossed her arms. She was trying so hard to be serious, to be diplomatic and not push any buttons, but Meredith kept challenging her at every turn.

"I'm just saying, it matters to him," She wasn't going to let her sister joke her way out of this. "How you're doing, it matters to him. It matters a lot."

"Lexie, I'm not going to see him."

Meredith decided to cut her off at the pass. She knew the direction this conversation was heading, and she wasn't in the mood for it. It was too much to ask.

But Lexie wouldn't be dissuaded.

"Come on Mer, he's just down the hall."

"Lexie…"

"And you said the door was open," she jumped in again, eager to use Meredith's own words against her. "You said if you did the surgery, then the door would be opened. And then maybe you guys could patch things up."

"In the distant future," Meredith clarified. "Not here in our matching hospital gowns. The door didn't open that wide."

"But how can you be so sure?" Lexie persisted. Now that she'd picked this battle, she wasn't about to back down. "You two are basically sharing a liver, maybe it's a sign."

"It's not a sign," Meredith argued. "It's a medical issue, one that we all got dragged into, one that _he_ dragged us into."

"He was depressed and he made amends," Lexie couldn't help but defend the man who had raised her. "So maybe it's time to forgive him. What he did to you was awful…"

"No, what he did to _you _was awful."

Meredith hated to remind her of that, but she felt like she had to.

"It was awful, Lexie. And maybe you can forgive him for it, but I can't. Not yet."

She was glad that their father was sober. She was certainly glad he had lived through the surgery. And yes, she wanted him to recover, to reclaim some semblance of a normal life. But she still hadn't forgotten everything he'd said and done, to her, or worse yet to the daughter who'd grown up right in front of him, the one he should have loved more than anything. That betrayal was particularly ugly, since Lexie had never learned to protect herself.

"I gave him a nice slice of my liver." Meredith gestured at a pile of bandages her sister couldn't see. "But this mess, it took years to make. And it could take years to get even a little bit better. So just take a deep breath. We'll get there eventually."

"Eventually?" Lexie certainly wasn't impressed with her estimation. "He nearly _died_, Meredith. And you, you just went through major surgery. That's the kind of thing that should change your perspective, don't you think? I mean, what if you just run out of time someday? What if something else happens?"

"Nothing else is going to happen."

It was a ridiculous statement, but in this moment, it had to be made.

"He's gonna get better, Lex. And he's gonna stay sober, because he knows if he doesn't, we'll both kick his ass."

"I get that." Lexie took a second to gather herself. "I believe that, I do. But I'm just thinking, I'm just _suggesting_ that maybe you guys should get to know each other a little."

"But we are," Meredith explained. That short conversation they'd had yesterday, that was the most she'd spoken to her father in almost a year.

"We are. We're just doing it through you."

"Me?"

"Yes." Meredith didn't understand why this surprised her. Lexie was the only reason she'd even allowed her father back into her life. "Right now you're the bridge, you're like Switzerland or whatever, neutral territory."

"So, what? I'm like some kid you share custody of?" Lexie drew back, clearly insulted. "Weekdays with you, weekends with Dad?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Meredith, that's insane." Lexie's hands immediately went to her hips. "You guys need your own relationship. What if I go to work somewhere else? What if I become an attending in some other city?"

"He's an adult Lexie, he'll take care of himself."

"But it's not about that."

Obviously, they were looking at this issue from two vastly different angles.

"It's about having family. It's about having people who will step in to help you, people who will check on you, or spend all night worrying in the waiting room when you get sick-"

"Wow, did you practice this?" Meredith saw a chance for some levity. But Lexie merely scowled at her.

"I'm serious."

_Oh for godsakes..._ Meredith resisted the urge to roll her eyes. What was it with Lexie and her constant obsession with family? They were fine. In fact, last she'd checked, they were actually happy. But her sister kept pushing... and pushing.

"Listen, I have people." Meredith motioned towards the hallway and the hospital beyond. "I have Derek and Christina. I have you. I can't seem to get rid of you, even though I kind of want to right now."

"But he knows a side of you that no one else does." Lexie took a step closer, practically pleading. "Isn't that something worth hanging onto? Do you really want to lose that?"

"Lexie, he might know you. But he does _not _know me."

That was an important detail, one Meredith couldn't help but point out.

"All he knows about me is whatever you've been feeding him."

"He knew your mother," Lexie said firmly. "He knew you as a kid before you got all angry and jaded-"

"Hey," Meredith snapped. "The reason I'm all angry and jaded? It's because of him."

"That's such BS, Meredith."

Lexie had no problem calling her sister out on her rather gross exaggeration.

"I'm not excusing what he did, trust me. But don't blame him for all of it. And yeah, he does know me, he knows stuff about me that you've never bothered to ask about. So would it really be so bad if we all met up every once in awhile? We could get some coffee or go out to eat-"

"Lexie," Meredith folded her hands in front of her, attempting once more to gather her patience. "We are a long, long way from the Daddy Daughter dinner."

"He's your blood, Mer." Lexie finally sat down again. "And he loves you. He really does."

"I know that."

"Well then can't you just go and say hi to him?" she asked. "Just for a second. I'll be with you the whole time."

"That's not my job."

"But you're the stronger one."

"Yeah, but I shouldn't have to be stronger," Meredith wasn't angry, not anymore. But she wanted Lexie to understand. "I'm _his_ kid. He was supposed to be strong for me."

That one statement stopped Lexie cold.

She stared at Meredith for a long, long moment. And she got it, she did. She recognized Meredith's sadness, the hole she'd been trying to fill since her childhood. But she also realized it was time to move on.

"Fine," she said quietly. "Then maybe you guys can be strong for each other."

"It's too late." Meredith shook her head. "I'm sorry, but it is. It's way too late."

"No, it's not."

"Lexie-"

"I know you got hurt, okay," Lexie was full of sympathy but she absolutely refused to give in. "I know you got really, _really_ hurt. But that happens. Things go wrong, people disappear and everything seems bad and ugly. I've been there. Not in the same way, but still…"

She'd lost her mother, and for a short time, her father as well. So Meredith could hardly dismiss her on this.

"Look, all I'm saying, _all _I'm saying is that it's good to have family." She was so certain, so completely convinced. "It's good to have a father and it's good to have him. You may not believe it now, but it is. Because you never know Meredith. You just don't..."

Lexie held her gaze, saying the words Meredith couldn't quite believe, the ones she still wasn't ready to hear.

"Someday you two might need each other."

* * *

There it was.

Her father had returned it to Lexie's old jewelry box. And now it hung on the small hook in the door, mixed in with all of her other pretty things. The silver pendant caught the light perfectly. Meredith smiled as she reached for the necklace then held it up for closer examination. She couldn't remember the last time she'd seen it, maybe years ago on that ferry... maybe long after. All she knew was that Lexie had kept it close, hidden away in her locker, just waiting for the day she might wear it again.

"She loved that necklace." Meredith heard her father's voice behind her. She had no idea how long he'd been standing there. "I remember, she told me. Mark gave it to her for her birthday."

"Yeah, he did."

"I think I missed that one." His tone was quiet, wistful. "That birthday, I missed it."

"Well… I missed all the ones before."

Meredith slowly turned to face him, the pendant still tucked in her palm. She'd been thinking about that ever since she'd arrived. Here surrounded by Lexie's childhood, it was hard to ignore what she had lost out on, all those years she could never get back.

"I guess I could have looked you guys up."

It would have been easy, just a few clicks of the mouse. Or the phone book… even if she'd just picked up the stupid phone book…

"I could have found you earlier."

"No," Thatcher leaned against the doorway. "That was my job, not yours."

He seemed determined to lessen her guilt, to take all the responsibility, all of the blame.

"I should have invited you, made you feel welcome. But I…" he trailed off as his words eventually failed him. What could he say?

"I didn't know how... I was such a terrible father, Meredith."

Meredith glanced down at the floor. She wasn't going to deny that. A man couldn't disappear on his child, his very young child, and ever claim to be anything else.

"You were a good father to Lexie at least." She gradually lowered herself onto the bed, running her fingers over her sister's old comforter. "She told me that-a lot actually. Even with… with everything that happened later."

Thatcher nodded, acknowledging a past that still haunted them both. After a long, long moment, he stuck his hands in his pockets and finally stepped beyond the doorway. His face softened as he took in every inch of the room. The pictures, the books, the tiny note cards... This was the child he'd raised, the one he knew everything about.

And then there was Meredith...

His gaze eventually landed on her. And she could see the regret. There was so, so much of it.

"The way I left you," He took in a breath, winced a little. It was as if the memory caused him physical pain. "It was the biggest mistake I ever made. And I've done a lot of dumb things, but that, that was the worst."

He held out his arms, cradling something invisible, something that had vanished decades before.

"I mean, you were this beautiful baby… beautiful little girl."

He shook his head as if he still couldn't believe it. And the tears… those were real. He didn't even bother to brush them aside.

"And then Lexie came along," he smiled. "And she was beautiful too, like you, but with dark hair and these big dark eyes. And she smiled all the time, just like you did."

"Me?"

Meredith had always assumed she was a surly baby, the kind that surprised strangers with her grim expressions. But her father seemed to think otherwise.

"You always smiled, Meredith… Always."

He moved over towards a shelf, then reached for an old teddy bear that Lexie had obviously adored… almost to death. The seams were ripped in places and yellowish stuffing peeked out through the threads.

"And you used to love bears too," he went on. "I bought you one just like this when you were born. You took him everywhere, named him Chuck- I'm not sure why."

He held the bear out to her, tilting it as if it were dancing. And Meredith could almost see it, one perfect, happy childhood memory.

"You guys would have so much fun together. This baker we used to visit, he would always have two cookies, one for you and one for Chuck."

He lowered the bear again, examining his faded bow tie.

"And then... then you started taking him to the hospital. And your mother started calling him the Petrie Dish. She swore old Chuck was carrying germs back and forth."

Meredith rolled her eyes.

"_I_ was probably carrying germs back and forth."

"I tried to tell her that…" Her father let out a sad chuckle, then sniffled a little. He'd given in to her mother too many times. And it had cost him dearly.

"But I wish I'd saved that bear. There are a lot of things… a lot of things I wish."

He rubbed his thumbs over the velvety fur. It was nearly worn down now. Years of hugging had taken its toll.

"And then I tried to do better with Lexie." He sounded almost apologetic. "I did. I know it was wrong. I know I should have given you everything I gave her-"

"No, I'm glad," Meredith cut him off gently. And she wasn't just saying that to make him feel better. She still remembered Lexie's teary speech...about fifth grade graduations and dance recitals...

"I'm glad you were there for her. Lexie deserved that."

"But you deserved it too."

Her father watched her, sitting on her younger sister's bed. Perhaps he could picture another scenario, one where she'd lived here with them, one where her photos lined the wall next to Lexie's.

"You deserved a childhood, Meredith."

"Maybe…"

The truth was that it no longer mattered. Time had marched on and they couldn't go back.

"But I learned to get by and I grew up. It was hard, but I grew up and I'm okay now."

"Yeah..." he pressed his lips into a sad smile. "Yeah, you are."

He tilted his head back, peering up at the ceiling, and that was when Meredith noticed the stars, the cute glowing stars they'd stuck way up there. Lexie would have been too young to put them up on her own. But Meredith was quite sure her father had lifted her, balanced her carefully there on his shoulders.

She struggled to imagine what that must have been like, to have a parent who would do that for you, who would help you build your own night sky, who would come and chase the monsters away.

"Lexie always said you were strong," her father murmured. "She said you were the strongest person she'd ever met."

"I know..." Meredith had heard her say it over and over, when they'd made it through the shooting, through Derek's absence and Zola's adoption. "But I don't feel strong… not anymore."

"That's not a trait you ever lose."

He sounded every bit as sure as Lexie had been.

"On the day you were born, I saw it. Even then, it was just... it was obvious. All those babies, they seemed so fragile, but you," her father glanced back at her. If she wasn't mistaken there was a hint of pride in his eyes. "You just had this look, like the world would never break you."

"It keeps trying," she said quietly.

"But it won't," her father shook his head. "Not you. The rest of us maybe, but not you."

Meredith took a deep breath, allowing the air back into her lungs. Somehow, she believed him. Maybe it was just the tone of his voice, the sincerity mixed with love. But his words meant something. They meant a lot. Yes, she was strong enough to keep going, she just had to remember that she wasn't alone.

_Someday you two might need each other…_

Her trip over here, Lexie's request... it wasn't just for Mark, she realized. And it wasn't just for her father.

This was for Meredith.

This was her chance to move on, to close a chapter she'd been reading over and over again since she was a child. This was her chance to forgive… finally. And maybe then they could make a fresh start.

"Lexie was smarter…" Her face grew warm as she thought of her sister. "And better… she always tried to make people better."

She seemed to be trying, even now.

"She always wanted everyone to be happy."

"She was like that as a kid too."

Thatcher managed another smile, wider this time. The memories were flooding back to him, faster and faster.

"When she was four or five, Susan and I, we got into a fight out there in the living room."

He raised his hand, pointing back down the hallway.

"I'm not even sure what we were yelling about. I just, I remember Molly crying. And then Lexie, she was wearing this tiny red dress, and these pigtails with bows… And she comes and grabs my arm, then grabs her mother's arm and just pulls us together…and tells us, tells us that we need to be nice."

Meredith couldn't help but smile as well. Her father just shook his head, still amazed by that moment.

"This little girl… she spent five minutes reminding us how we're supposed to love each other. I swear to you, Meredith."

That sounded about right. Lexie had always cared… maybe too much. Or maybe just enough, Meredith wasn't sure. But it was never too little. That was the one thing they could never accuse her of.

"Are you really okay?"

She knew the question had to be asked. Somewhere she heard a child, lecturing her about love, about being nice.

"No, actually." He sounded so drained as he made his confession. "I don't think I am."

He stared up at the stars once more, searching, just as Mark had been searching the previous evening.

"I just wish… I wish I'd been out there too, you know? Out there in that forest. I mean Molly doesn't need me. She's got her family and you, Meredith, you do too."

"But everyone's hurting."

He needed to understand that he wasn't the only one. She'd seen it, in Derek, in Mark. It came in different forms, but the grief, the sorrow, it was there for all of them.

"Everyone misses her. And I certainly miss Susan."

"They were just… they were everything." Her father finally set the teddy bear down again, his cheeks awash with tears. "They were my family, they were mine to take care of. And I failed. I failed them just like I failed you."

He let out a long, shuddering sigh.

"So I just wish, I just wish that I had been able to go with them…"

Meredith bowed her head as she considered what he was saying. Her father wasn't suicidal. She knew that much. But he was slowly dying here. He'd built this monument to his daughter and now that he was done, what was he going to do with himself? How long before he decided that the bottom of a bottle was the quickest way to join his family?

"You haven't seen Zola in awhile…"

She knew what Lexie would want her to do. Her sister had taken care of people… not just as a doctor. She'd fretted and worried and tried to help anyone who'd stumbled into her life. And that went doubly for her family.

"She's growing up fast," Meredith continued, fighting to keep her emotions in check. "You probably remember, they grow up really fast. Maybe you should come over and see her some time."

It wasn't an offer she'd ever dreamed of making, not in a million years. But suddenly, it didn't bother her. It seemed natural, right.

"That's uh…" her father made an effort to smile. "That's very nice Meredith. But you don't have to do that. You don't owe me that."

Maybe not… she thought. But I owe it to Lexie.

And maybe, just maybe, she owed it to herself. She owed it to herself to try again, to maybe give Zola a grandfather she could count on, one who had tripped and fallen and made some mistakes. But one who would love her all the same.

One who would put stars on her ceiling someday.

"You can't give up."

They'd come too far, lost too many people already.

"You just… you can't."

"You told me that once before," he swallowed, wiping his tears with the back of his hand. "When we were about to head into surgery, remember?"

"That was for her," Meredith explained softly. "But this… this is for me."

Lexie had been right to send her here. Sometimes life took you by surprise, grabbed you by the shoulders and shook you, forcing you to take a whole new perspective. She and her father, they needed each other, just as her sister had predicted they would. Lexie was gone. Their bridge was gone and so little by little, they'd have to build a new one. At least today, they'd put in the first piece.

Meredith slowly got to her feet, slipping the necklace into her pocket. It was the one thing she would take out of this room. The rest she would leave. Everything else was where it belonged.

"Are you going to see him?" Her father had apparently picked up on her plan. "Mark Sloan? I heard he hasn't gone back to the hospital."

"Not yet." She could only hope that his absence was temporary. "But yeah, I was going to stop by his apartment."

"Do you think you could give this to him then?" Her father reached into his back pocket, producing a small envelope. "MARK" was written on the front in Lexie's smooth cursive. "I found it in her locker. I figured you might be the best one to deliver it."

Meredith's fingers began to shake as she took the envelope then carefully flipped it over. It wasn't sealed yet, but still the flap was tucked inside. She decided to leave it alone. Whatever was in there, it certainly wasn't meant for her.

"Thanks," she murmured. "I'll make sure he gets it."

And with that, she turned and took one last look around the room. For once, she didn't try to stop the emotions that washed over her. There was no point. In this place, a little girl had grown up. She'd grown up and become a wonderful surgeon, a wonderful daughter, a wonderful sister and a wonderful friend.

"I didn't hug her." Their father spoke up again, his voice hovering above a whisper. "The last time I saw her, we were both rushed, so I didn't get to hug her goodbye."

Meredith waited for what would come next.

"Do you mind if I hug you?"

She hesitated, but only for a split second. Then gradually, she shook her head.

"No, I don't mind."

"Okay."

His eyes filled with fresh tears. He moved in at a painstaking pace, so unsteady, so completely unsure of himself. But eventually, he wrapped his arms around her, holding her as he had long ago, when she was a happy, smiling little girl.

"I love you Meredith."

He hugged her tightly, with everything he had in him. And to her surprise, Meredith felt her own arms raising up… hugging him back.

* * *

**Well I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. It looks like some of you have stuck around at least. :) Sorry for the slow updates, but I want this story to be good and interesting and worthy of your time. And of course getting it to that point (hopefully) always takes way longer than I expect. Thanks again to those of you who are writing reviews. Honestly, those are what keep me going through the hours and hours I spend working on this thing. The details, the quotes, your general feelings, they're always awesome to read.**

**So this chapter… I really love writing the Lexie and Meredith flashbacks. The way they relate to the world is so different, but it's fun to watch them debate and get flustered and finally come to some understanding. From the beginning, Lexie wanted to know Meredith, so it seemed logical that she'd take every opportunity to bring her family together. But I like that Meredith is protective, both of herself and her little sister. Obviously, these scenes are sad to write since Lexie is gone now, but I love making these little windows into their world.**

**As for the second piece… that's one of those scenes (like the earlier one with Mark) that was sort of heart breaking to work on. But I like the idea that Meredith and her father finally find some common ground and that they are able to help each other for once. Because let's face it, Lexie would have wanted it that way, right?**

**Anyway, that was my thinking behind this chapter. Please let me know what you think (seriously, it'll save my sanity after reading this chapter two thousand times while trying to edit it! ;). Comments are always welcome! Plus they'll help me get going on the next chapter! Thanks!**


	23. Chapter 23

**Weeeeeell, I'm back. I'm so sorry it's taken me this long to return. It seems like some people thought I'd abandoned this story. I couldn't figure out a way to tell you I hadn't without posting a new chapter and I didn't want to rush something that wouldn't be as good, so I figured I'd just wait and hope you'd stick with me. Anyway, no worries guys, we're too far in now for me to jump ship. A lot of things have been set into motion and I look forward to following through with them, even if it takes awhile. And if it does, you can blame work… that's what delayed me this last time. So now, let's get back into it, shall we?**

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Three**

"_Yes, horrible things do happen. Happiness in the face of all of that? That's not the goal. Feeling the horrible and knowing that you're not gonna die from those feelings, that's the point." –Dr. Wyatt_

* * *

Meredith Grey felt like a fraud...

She was standing in the locker room, staring at her reflection in the full-length mirror. The jersey was cute enough. It was a little large this time around, so she'd been forced to tie the excess off to one side. But the hat fit snuggly on her head. And she'd even gone with braided pigtails to help look the part. Still, it was no use. She was not a baseball player, or a softball player or whatever the hell they were calling themselves. She was merely a surgeon... who could barely throw a ball.

"For what it's worth, I think you look kinda hot."

Alex had caught her self-appraisal in the mirror. He was sitting on the bench behind her, tugging on a pair of shoes, a matching jersey thrown over his shoulder.

"Those pigtails are totally working for you."

"That's sort of flattering…" Meredith put her hands on her hips then shifted her weight to her other foot, examining herself from yet another angle. "But also sort of creepy."

"Whatever." His voice echoed through the otherwise empty locker room. "But I'm telling you, Shepherd's gonna dig it. I'm a guy. Guys know this stuff."

"Well thanks so much for that piece of wisdom," Meredith couldn't hide her sarcasm. "But Derek's not coming out to the game."

"Seriously?" Alex snorted. "He's gonna miss this? You _beaning _a Seattle Mariner?"

"I'm not gonna bean anyone."

"Sure you're not."

Meredith rolled her eyes as he peeled off his shirt. She wanted so badly to spin around and slap him upside the head. But somehow she held her ground. She wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of seeing her squirm.

"He's gonna be hearing this story for years," Alex kept right on teasing her. "You know he's gonna regret it if he doesn't come."

"Shut up."

"We're already placing bets on who you'll hit first."

"I'm not gonna hit anyone." Meredith watched him in the mirror, though admittedly the sight of his bare torso did nothing for her. "If anything, the ball's gonna sail over their heads."

Or drop ten feet in front of them… That was actually the most likely scenario. Meredith had prepared herself for the stares, the quiet giggling in the stands. She could take it if she had to. Humiliation on a softball field, it was hardly the worst thing that had happened to her.

"I'm pretty sure Derek can live without seeing that."

"Yeah well, don't be surprised if he suddenly shows." Alex balled up his shirt, then leaned back and tossed it into his locker. "If nothing else, he'll probably want to defend your honor or something. I don't care if it's for charity. That crowd's gonna find this as funny as the rest of us."

Meredith scowled at him.

"Your support is duly noted and appreciated."

"Hey, I'm not your husband."

"And thank god for that."

She stood on her tiptoes, trying to get a better view of her shoes in the mirror. The Converse were cute, but hardly practical. Apparently Alex didn't have an opinion on footwear though, because already his attention had wandered away from her.

"Well however it goes, you'll be doing us a favor…" He held his jersey out in front of him, his face turning grim as he studied their logo. "When was the last time you saw anyone laugh around here?"

Meredith considered that question for a moment, gazing into her locker as she ran down a list of names in her head. Lexie would have been at the top. Then maybe George... or Izzie...

"April still laughs..."

"Kepner?" Alex sounded plenty surprised at her choice. "No, she doesn't. That nervous twittery thing? Every time she does it, I think she's having a freaking panic attack."

"Fine." Meredith would give him that one. April's laughter could easily be mistaken for hyperventilation.

"Then Avery... I know Avery laughs."

"That guy's running scared from FrankenBarbie." Alex grimaced, obviously sharing in Avery's disgust. "No way he's finding anything funny these days."

"Oh come on, Alex."

"I'm serious," he persisted. "This whole place… it's weird. And I'm not talking about the ones you'd expect to be weird. I mean, I get Robbins and Torres, but Bailey? She's being creepy-nice. And Hunt, he just looks like he wants to throw up every hour."

Meredith knew that he might have a point. She'd always described the hospital as chaotic. But as intense as it could be, they'd somehow found a vein of dark humor. Stories about unruly patients, inappropriate jokes whispered in the cafeteria. That's how they'd survived. But between the new doctors and… everything else, those things had gradually disappeared.

"All I'm saying, is the rest of us, we could use something stupid, something funny." Alex regarded her as she sat down beside him. "And I'm betting that goes for Shepherd too."

He was probably right, but it didn't even matter.

"Derek's not coming."

If the atmosphere in the hospital was lacking in humor, then the atmosphere in her house was downright bleak.

"We're sort of… we're not exactly on the same page these days…" Meredith kicked off her shoes then reached for her sneakers. "We're doing that thing, you know, with the awkward breakfasts? We just sit there and stir our cereal around…"

She'd done that every morning for the past few weeks. Just the sight of Cheerios made her sick to her stomach now.

"He's pissed at me… or I'm pissed at him. I'm not really sure anymore."

Alex took that in then slid his jersey over his head. When he finally reappeared, his expression was solemn.

"Tragedy Club…" he muttered knowingly. "It's crap for relationships."

Meredith sighed.

"It's crap for a lot of things…"

Her life, her friendships, her career… she was still functioning, still a good doctor, but she was becoming more and more exhausted. And that wasn't just the hospital environment dragging her down. That was her. That was the person she had become.

The job she'd been so enthusiastic about before was beginning to feel like actual work. And her time with Derek… it felt like work too. The truth was she hadn't even invited him to the game today. Part of her was relieved that he wouldn't be in attendance, but there was also a gnawing sense of shame. She was failing as a wife... she was failing as _his_ wife.

"It gets better eventually," Alex pulled her out of her thoughts. "It sucks, but everyone says it gets better."

"Yeah, I've heard," Meredith concentrated on her sneakers, on drawing the laces tighter, on making sure the bows were just right. "Time heals wounds or whatever."

The saying was off, but Alex gave her a nod anyway. And then he stood and shouldered his bag, casting a sideways glance at Lexie's old locker. He'd been avoiding that area ever since he'd walked in here, but now he examined it. The shelves were empty. The hooks stuck out with nothing to hang on them. But Meredith had taped some new pictures to the back wall at least. They served as a silent warning to anyone who might dare to disturb Lexie's space.

"You should talk to your shrink."

Meredith nearly pulled a muscle as her head whipped around.

"What?"

She'd been thinking about the new guy, about her plans to keep him away from that locker. But Alex's words had ripped her right out of that.

"What did you just say?"

"I said you should talk to your shrink." He pretended not to notice her shock. "I mean she seems okay. And maybe it's none of my business-"

"It _is_ none of your business," Meredith was instantly on the defensive. Who the hell had told Alex about her therapy sessions?

"That is _absolutely_ none of your business."

"Fine." He gave her a casual shrug, as if he didn't care. It was typical Alex, acting like something didn't bother him, when clearly it did. "But this stuff, with you and Shepherd, with Lexie… that shrink's the one who's gonna help you with that."

"How do you even know about her?" Meredith stood up, her hands going straight to her hips. "That's supposed to be confidential."

"Dude, she's been all over this hospital searching for you. She never asks for you specifically, but I think I can put two and two together."

"Well maybe your math is wrong."

"It's not."

"Alex-"

"Meredith, she's standing right out there in the hallway."

He waited for her eyes to widen, for that surprise to register one more time. And then he hooked his thumb towards the door.

"I saw her just before I walked in."

Dammit...

Meredith wasn't even sure who she was mad at, or even if she was mad at all. This was her own fault. She'd missed her last few appointments on purpose. Ever since she'd told Christina about Lexie, about her fears that Dr. Wyatt might take her away, Meredith hadn't wanted to go back. It simply seemed like too big a risk.

"Look, you and Shepherd, maybe you're in trouble, maybe you're not," Alex pressed on. "But, let's face it, you've got some pretty heavy stuff on your plate-"

"No, I don't," Meredith had managed to recover a little. The shock had worn off and now she could actually debate this with him. "Okay, with Derek yes. But the rest of it... Things are turning around-"

"Oh come on, cut the crap." Alex was starting to get irritated with her denials. "I know your dad's back. I saw him down at the daycare with Zola. No way he gets in there without your permission."

"Alex-"

"And that's a mess, Mer," he plowed right on ahead. "That's a complicated ugly ass mess. And it's probably not a mess you want to deal with alone."

"Hey, you're the one who told me," she pointed an accusing finger at him. "You told me to deal with it however I needed to, to just get through it, remember?"

"Yeah, well playing softball and pretending like nothing's happened, that's not gonna do it."

"Well neither is sitting on some stupid couch!"

The room fell silent as they stared at each other, trying to decide who would give first. It wasn't going to be Meredith, she was sure of that. Her friend had stuck his nose in her business, and if he wanted to continue this, then that was on him. She wasn't going to give him more issues to work with.

"Alright, fine." Alex ducked his head, readjusted the strap on his shoulder. "I get where you're coming from. I do. You got your person or whatever to talk to. And maybe you think that's all you need. But Yang?"

He gestured towards the hallway. He was sure she out there, worrying about that mortality rate, about the streak of deaths that followed her everywhere.

"She's just as screwed up as the rest of us. Another one of her patients coded yesterday. And she can't handle it-"

"You don't know that-"

"I do know that," he insisted. "She was up half the night screaming at nurses. The whole hospital heard her. And piling your crap on top of hers, it's a bad idea."

"Okay, then what about you, Alex?" Meredith couldn't help but push back. "Since you're lecturing me, I think I deserve to hear how _you're _doing."

Alex set his jaw. For a brief moment, she was sure he'd shy away from the question. But then he lifted his hand and for the first time she noticed the scrapes on his knuckles.

"I punched a wall yesterday." He gave her a tight, humorless smile. "That's how I'm doing. There's a hole in the supply closet if you want to check."

Crap.

Meredith didn't want to check. She didn't need to. Because she already knew what she'd find, a fist shaped abyss where he'd channeled his anger. She felt stupid for fighting him, for working so hard to keep her friend at a distance.

"I'm sorry…" she murmured. "I am. That was a dumb thing to ask."

At least he didn't seem to hold it against her. He simply dropped his hand back to his side, his pink knuckles standing out against the shiny blue jersey.

"We're all a mess, Mer." It wasn't so much an admission as it was a reality. And here came the plea that went along with it.

"So just take the stupid help. Take it and be glad that someone in this damn place might know what to do... Cuz I sure as hell don't."

"I'm fine." She was steadfast in her response. It wasn't his job to watch out for her, to make sure she kept up her appointments. "Seriously, there's no reason for you to worry about me."

"Dude, you're not fine-"

"Okay, then I will be. I can handle this stuff on my own-"

"And what if you can't?"

"Alex, for godsake, it's _my_ life. I know what I'm doing!"

They were just about to argue again, Meredith could feel it. And she honestly wasn't even sure what the problem was. She appreciated his concern, but it seemed like he was going a tad overboard.

"Where is this even coming from?" She searched his face for an answer. "Why are you suddenly so obsessed with my therapy-"

"Because it's gonna get worse," he cut her off abruptly, the frustration getting the better of him. And now she could hear it, the bitterness, the fear... It was as if the whole thing was a forgone conclusion.

"Before it gets better, it's gonna get worse. And you're gonna get all sad and freaked out and then you're gonna lose it."

"Alex, that's ridiculous-"

"So you know what?" He shook his head as he took a step backwards. "I don't care. I don't care anymore. I don't care if I have to bug you forever. I don't care if I have to drag that shrink in here myself. Because there's no way..."

He shook his head again, even more forcefully this time, and she could see the pain and regret in his eyes.

"There's no freakin' way I'm screwing this up with you too."

And with that, he turned and walked straight towards the door. Meredith just stood there, too startled to stop him.

"Alex!" she called after him. She waited for him to stop, but he didn't. He just stepped over the bench and kept right on going. "Alex, what do you mean? You're not screwing up anything."

"Just talk to your shrink, Mer."

"Not until you tell me what you mean."

The answer was already dawning on her, but she needed to hear him say it out loud. If she brought it up first, if she was wrong, then that could do more harm than good.

"Alex, just tell me!"

It took a second or two, but finally, mercifully, he paused in the doorway. His chin dropped, his gaze slowly fell to the floor. He put one hand out and leaned against the wall, testing his weight... all that weight he had on his shoulders.

A full minute went by before he could speak.

"I knew..."

His voice was so quiet she had to strain to hear him. This confession, it must have been years in the making. And Meredith could only imagine what he was feeling now, having to own up to his mistake under these circumstances.

"I knew something was wrong," he continued. "I knew, but I didn't say anything. Not to you, not to that fancy doctor they flew in, not to anyone... I figured she could deal with it on her own…"

He glanced over his shoulder, the guilt washing over him.

"And then she went and landed in Psych."

Lexie...

It wasn't just that he had abandoned her there, Meredith realized. It was everything that had gone on before, the signs that he had never reported. He would've been the first one to see them... and the last one to inform the people who loved her... the ones who might have been able to help.

"She turned out okay," Meredith reminded him gently. It had taken some time, but Lexie had made it through. They all had.

"And it's not the same thing, Alex. It's not, I promise."

But he still didn't believe her, she could tell. There was nothing she could say to make him believe her. From his perspective, Meredith was out there, lost and confused. She was hurt, she was struggling.

And she was following Lexie's footsteps into the darkness.

"Just talk to your shrink," he muttered one more time. He pushed the door open and then he was gone.

* * *

Meredith waited. It was all she could do. Alex had left a few minutes before, but she'd heard his voice outside in the hallway. He'd been talking to someone. She was ninety five percent sure that "someone" was her therapist.

So now, even if she wanted to dash out that door, there was no point. Dr. Wyatt would stop her. And if she couldn't stop her this very second, if somehow Meredith managed to escape, then the woman would simply keep up her search. In the cafeteria, in the doctor's lounge. And eventually Meredith would have to confront her.

"Dr. Grey..."

Meredith tensed as the door finally opened.

She might as well go ahead and do it today.

"Dr. Wyatt..." She stood slowly and shifted her attention back to the mirror. She knew that Alex wouldn't have shared much, just Meredith's location, but still she was nervous.

"Do you stalk everyone who misses a session?"

"Well, I wouldn't call this stalking." The woman stepped inside, seemingly unbothered by her patient's clipped tone.

"Then what would you call it?"

Her therapist considered that for a moment, then smiled, a small, warm smile meant to put her at ease.

"A welfare check."

_A welfare check..._

Sure, as if Meredith was one of those unstable patients, ready and willing to do harm to herself. She remembered those words. She'd heard them several times after Lexie's commitment. It was code for one thing… your doctor didn't trust you.

"So..." Her therapist searched for an opening as she lowered herself onto the bench behind Meredith. "Did you decide to switch careers without telling me?"

"Switch careers?"

Meredith narrowed her eyes. She was standing here... in a locker room... in a hospital. So clearly she hadn't run off to the circus.

"What's that even supposed to mean?"

"Meredith, it's a joke."

"A joke?"

"Yes, something funny..." Dr. Wyatt waited for the realization to hit, then gave up and gestured at Meredith's outfit. "Last I checked you didn't wear a softball jersey in the OR."

Meredith instantly flushed. So much for having the upper hand in this argument...

"No, I just… we have a game today," she stammered, glancing down at her wardrobe. She'd wanted to be in control of this conversation, but still she felt like she had to explain. After all, surgery and softball didn't quite go together.

"I'm not sure if you've met Dr. Bailey-"

"I have, actually."

_That figured… _

"Well she scheduled a charity game, for one of our patients." Meredith adjusted her cap for the seventeenth time. "It's not a big deal."

"Well if it's not a big deal, then why are you doing it?"

That question… it was far too pointed for Meredith's liking. She could sense a trap somewhere. And now she was stumbling blindly, trying not to take a wrong step.

"I just, I thought it'd be fun." She threw out a challenge even she didn't believe. "I'm still allowed to have fun, right?"

Dr. Wyatt merely smiled again.

"You _are _allowed to have fun, Meredith."

She looked around the room, taking in the details like a scientist studying a brand new environment.

"So have you played before?" she asked breezily.

"Yeah, I mean a few times… staff games, stuff like that."

"At what position?"

"I don't know," Meredith hesitated. "A little of everything I guess."

Dr. Wyatt nodded and that was when she saw the old softball bag, tucked in the bottom of Meredith's locker.

"And what position are you playing this afternoon?"

Meredith's mouth went dry. Had she noticed those initials, the ones written on the side of that bag? Because they certainly didn't stand for Meredith Grey.

"Pitcher." She hated how uneasy she suddenly sounded. "Today, I'm the pitcher."

"That's an interesting choice."

Dammit, she knew.

Meredith wasn't sure how it had happened, but Dr. Wyatt definitely knew. And so here it came, a question that the woman would pose oh-so casually.

"Wasn't your sister a pitcher?"

Meredith chewed on the inside of her cheek...

"Yes," she said curtly. "Lexie was a pitcher."

Freakin Seattle Pres… Dr. Wyatt must have had a friend over there. Maybe it was Julia, maybe it was some nosy therapist buddy who had played on their team… it didn't matter, because now she was watching Meredith carefully, placing all kinds of meaning on one silly position.

"So this year you're filling in for her? For Lexie, I mean."

"It was Bailey's idea," Meredith clarified. The reasoning behind it didn't exactly matter at this point, but she was ready to offer it anyway. "Since Lexie was good, since we were related... I guess they thought it might run in our blood."

It seemed insane, even to her.

"It doesn't though. I'm still pretty terrible."

"I doubt that."

"You shouldn't…" Meredith finally turned towards her doctor. For some reason, she wanted to make this point clear. "My sister, she could probably pitch this whole game for us. And she'd kick ass and the whole crowd would love her. But me, I'm gonna get pulled in the first fifteen minutes."

"Is that bad?"

"It's just realistic."

Meredith had no problems with that. She knew her limitations, but that didn't mean she wasn't going to try. And besides, Lexie would get a kick out of teasing her later.

"Well if it makes you feel any better, you're dressed perfectly for the role." Dr. Wyatt indicated her outfit again. "That color suits you."

"Thanks."

Meredith stole another glance at the mirror. But this time a different reflection stared back at her. All this talk about playing her sister's position… And here she was decked out in the same navy blue jersey, baseball cap on… with braids that fell just past her shoulders. Thankfully her therapist couldn't see the resemblance. But Meredith knew… she looked just like Lexie.

The room went silent as she tried to collect herself, tried to regain some semblance of balance. But it was as if she'd fallen into some weird dimension... This was Meredith's real life, the place she had to survive day in and day out. And here was her therapist, right smack in the middle of it, analyzing her every move, making Meredith see things she just wasn't ready for.

"You've missed your last few appointments." The woman started back up again. And here it came, the true reason for her visit. "You tell me… should I be worried?"

Meredith crossed her arms. She thought about Alex, about what he had said. He was worried. Derek, Christina... they were worried.

"I don't know," she said honestly. "I don't think so."

But a lot of other people apparently did. Dr. Wyatt must have figured that out. There was an air of anticipation about her. She motioned to the other end of the bench.

"Well I've got a few minutes if you'd like to share."

Meredith didn't, not really. But that had always been true with therapy. It certainly wasn't supposed to be easy. And Alex… it was beginning to seem like she owed it to him. If this could ease his guilt over what had happened with Lexie, then what could it hurt?

"Fine..." Meredith decided to let it all go, that stubbornness, the resentment... She wasn't going to sit. She liked towering over Dr. Wyatt for once. But here and now, she was willing to talk.

She took a deep breath, readied herself. And then…

"I went to see my father."

It was a simple statement, the biggest secret Meredith was willing to give her. And now that it was out, she rushed on ahead, hoping to keep her doctor's prying questions to a minimum.

"It was a few days ago," she laid out her report. "I drove over to his house, went inside and we talked… for awhile actually. We talked about my childhood. We talked about Lexie and Susan. He showed me some old pictures-"

"He showed you some old pictures?" Dr. Wyatt finally cut her off with a raise of her eyebrow. Meredith had certainly caught her off guard. But unfortunately, that only seemed to add to her interest.

"Meredith, I guess I'm a little confused," she admitted. "The last time you mentioned him, you had some very strong feelings-"

"I know what I said," Meredith interjected. "And it's not like we're gonna be hanging out all the time, but I was angry then, over the locker-"

"As I recall you were furious."

"You're right."

She tilted her chin up, held her head high. Furious would have been an accurate take. But things had changed and she didn't feel the need to argue about it.

"Look," she decided to start over from the beginning. "Once upon a time my father was a drunk. He was nasty and he was cruel... and he hurt me. He did. But worse than that, he hurt my sister."

"And you can finally forgive him for that?"

"Yeah, I can." Meredith's answer came readily. "Because somehow, by some miracle, he pulled himself back together again. And he apologized to Lexie and she accepted that apology. And maybe I never really trusted him after that. Maybe I figured he'd break her heart all over again, because let's face it, he broke mine plenty of times. But now..."

She felt a fresh pang of sadness as she realized exactly what she was saying.

"But now, I guess that doesn't matter anymore."

"Because Lexie's gone..."

"Yeah… she is."

The attic was empty. She checked it every morning just to be sure.

"But she wouldn't want our father sliding backwards because of that," Meredith found her voice again. "No matter what happened, she wouldn't want that for him. So yes, I went over to the house. I went to make sure that he was really okay."

"And that was the only reason?" Dr. Wyatt kept up her inquiry. "You just wanted to see how he was doing?"

"Well there were some other things," Meredith bit her lip, refusing to get into specifics. "Things I wanted to pick up for Mark."

"Her boyfriend?"

"I guess…"

How else could she describe the man Lexie had loved?

"It was sort of… it was sort of complicated," she trailed off, thinking of the note she still had in her car. "Like four years worth of complicated. Not something I want to discuss in a locker room."

"Okay," Dr. Wyatt was willing to let that one go. "But this thing with your father, you're glad you went over there? You feel good about your decision?"

"Yeah, I do." Meredith was surprised at how easily that rolled off her tongue, how proud she was of this tiny step forward.

"It was good that I went. It's what Lexie would have wanted. Plus, he was glad to see me and I survived seeing him…"

She glanced back at her therapist.

"I mean, that's progress… that seems like progress, right?"

To her surprise, Dr. Wyatt didn't reply, at least not immediately. The woman who had a question or comment for everything...

"You think I'm wrong?"

She could see the wheels spinning in her therapist's head. Dr. Wyatt waited a beat, then finally answered.

"No," she said calmly. "Not necessarily."

"Not necessarily?"

That was hardly a convincing response.

"What do you mean by 'not necessarily?'"

"Well… let me just ask you a question." Dr. Wyatt leaned forward slowly, seeming so innocuous, when Meredith knew she was anything but.

"Your visit with your father, the things you wanted to pick up for Mark, even this game today... are you doing all this for yourself or your sister?"

Meredith swallowed. She thought about that conversation she'd had with Lexie, her requests, her instructions.

"Does it matter?"

"It might," Dr. Wyatt was offering her honest assessment. "If you're distracting yourself from the pain by standing in for your sister, I'm not sure that's healthy."

"I'm not standing in for anyone."

Meredith couldn't, even if she had wanted to. And besides, who cared if it was healthy? Nothing about this entire messed up situation was healthy.

"I just… it's what she would want me to do." Meredith was getting slightly flustered. Out of all the things she had confessed to, how could her doctor object to this one? She'd visited her father. Wasn't that a _good_ thing?

"I don't see why there's anything wrong with that… I mean, if that's what she wanted, then why not do it?"

"Because this isn't about her. You shouldn't be doing this for _her_. You should be doing this for _you_."

"If the outcome's the same-"

"The outcome's not the point," Dr. Wyatt was adamant. "The reason behind your actions, that's the point... Your sister, she's gone. I know that's a terrible thing to hear over and over again, but it's the truth. I can't help her. And Meredith, I'm sorry, but you can't help her either."

"I can try."

Her response was automatic, and she watched as her therapist visibly cringed. The woman let out a short breath, closed her eyes for a second. She wanted so badly to take a step forward, to yank Meredith back to the land of the living. But Meredith was making it incredibly hard.

"You need to focus on yourself." Dr. Wyatt opened her eyes again. She immediately trained them right back on her patient. "Your own issues, not the ones your sister left behind."

"I can't… If it's what she would want…"

"Meredith," Dr. Wyatt paused a moment, staring up at her with an inquisitive gaze. "How do you know what your sister would want?"

_ Because Lexie told me... She stood there and told me. _

"I just know..."

The words came out, unbidden. And thankfully they didn't match the ones in her head.

_Lexie stood there and told me._

"She just, she wouldn't want people to be sad, that's all. Not our father, not Mark-"

"Not you?"

Meredith's breath caught in her throat. She wasn't sure exactly how to respond to that. Because no, Lexie wouldn't want her to be sad… she _didn't _want her to be sad. But for Meredith, helping herself seemed so much harder than helping the others…

"Look," she tried again. "Maybe I can make this a little bit easier, for my friends, for my family…"

She left her doctor's previous question unanswered.

"I don't know if I can, maybe it's just stupid. But my dad, he seems happier now. And I feel like I have to keep going for Lexie, to find Mark, or help Alex or do whatever it is she needs me to do."

"Meredith, that's not how this works." Dr. Wyatt apparently sympathized, but still, she was going to stand firm on this point. "You can't run around and repair everyone. This mission you've set up for yourself? I'm sure you're doing it with noble intentions, but in the end, it just becomes one more way to keep yourself busy, to hide from reality."

"I'm not hiding."

"There are too many holes," her doctor reminded her. "When someone dies, that's what happens. It's natural. She left a hole in your life too... And trying to stand in for her now, to fix all these problems without facing your own, that's not gonna make you feel any better."

"But it might…"

"It won't," Dr. Wyatt insisted. "I can promise you that."

Meredith just shook her head and turned away again, examining herself one last time in the mirror. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Lexie's bag, those initials bright as day against the dark fabric. Her glove was sitting on Meredith's shelf. Her bat was leaning there in the corner.

She knew Dr. Wyatt was probably right. This might very well be a distraction. It might simply be a way to push back the inevitable. Maybe it would open old wounds, maybe it would even slow down her healing.

But in the end, it would also make Lexie happy. It would bring her comfort, let her know that it would all be okay, that her big sister was taking care of the people she'd loved. Most importantly, it would make her smile again.

And right now, that's all Meredith wanted to see.

* * *

**I know some of you have mentioned the author's notes in your reviews, how you like hearing about the ideas behind the chapters. So here you go… A little insight… Originally this was just a scene between Meredith and Dr. Wyatt, but then I remembered that we hadn't seen Alex in awhile. I love his relationship with Meredith. Like Christina, he goes for the straight talk. But as I looked back, I realized he was also seeing this whole thing unfold from a totally different perspective. He'd witnessed Lexie's break down after a traumatic event and now here's Meredith, a few weeks out from her own traumatic event, mentioning her problems in off handed comments. His concern just seemed natural… and sweet. Plus I like how it ties back into his relationship with Lexie. Yes, Mark and Lexie were meant to be together, but Alex had a place in her life too.**

**And now the second scene… a funny thing happens when you're writing lengthy stories, you sometimes realize that you've written something without explicitly "writing it." So goes Meredith's journey. It hadn't dawned on me that Dr. Wyatt had been missing, but then I suddenly picked up on it. Of course, Meredith would be avoiding her therapist at this point (as was I apparently!). She's scared and therefore trying to figure things out on her own… I honestly think she's hoping to help the people around her, to follow through with Lexie's wishes. But to me, Dr. Wyatt's view makes sense as well. Helping someone else is often much easier than helping yourself and sometimes it can be an easy distraction, a way to push back something you don't want to deal with. The middle of this story is basically Meredith attempting to repair her family and I like having these two ways to look at it.**

**Also, you may notice that this story has a lot of foreshadowing. Many things get mentioned that will come up again later, sometimes in the flashbacks, sometimes in the present. Some of you can probably guess at a few scenes coming up in later chapters… one of them was discussed quite a few times here. Have fun with your theories and go ahead and post them in the reviews if you'd like!**

**Okay… that was a loooong author's note. But I figured I'd give you something after taking so long to update. Thanks so much to those of you who are sticking around. The next chapter has a fun flashback, so don't worry. It's not all sad all the time around here. As always, please read and review. I'd love to hear if you guys are still out there and what you think of the story… I've missed seeing your reviews in my inbox. You have no idea…**


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter Twenty-Four**

"_We're just gonna believe that everything's gonna be okay. Keeping the faith…" –Meredith Grey_

* * *

The little group had already assembled in the waiting room. Meredith had agreed to meet them there, so as not to disturb Gracie, who was hopefully resting. Unfortunately, their patient wouldn't be able to attend the game that was being held in her honor. She was simply too weak. But they'd encouraged her family to come out anyway, just for a few short hours, to get a quick respite from the hospital, to see the real world again. So now Mason was bouncing on one of the chairs, baseball cap on and ready to go. Every few seconds he would cast a sideways glance at his oldest sister, who was huddled with Christina a few feet away.

Meredith tried to read the scene as she approached. Years of working at the hospital had taught her to look for behavioral cues. Certain things signified bad situations, family members pacing, running, screaming, demanding other doctors... and of course the most obvious, tears. Tears were only good when they were combined with relieved smiles. Otherwise they were bad and generally tragic. But thankfully, today, she didn't see any at all.

In fact, no one seemed particularly scared or worried, maybe nervous. Yes, she could see that Jenn was definitely nervous. Her hands were fluttering around as she talked. She was like a parent, leaving her child for the very first time. And Christina, for once, was playing the understanding babysitter, listening and nodding slowly. It was ridiculous, of course. She didn't need instructions on how to care for Gracie. But she knew Jennifer couldn't leave without going through this routine.

"You guys ready?"

Meredith waved the glove she'd slipped onto her hand. Mason's face instantly broke into a smile as the group finally caught sight of her. He reached down and grabbed a hunk of his matching jersey.

"You're on my team!"

"Of course I'm on your team!" Meredith grinned.

She had to push everything else out of her mind, Mark, her father, the promises she'd made to her sister… Because she'd also made a promise to this family. And the only way to keep that promise was to give herself over to this experience for a few hours at least. Thankfully, Mason was making that easier. She felt the tiniest surge of happiness as she watched the little boy.

"It is the _best_ team, isn't it?"

"Yes it is!" Mason curled his lips in a hilarious glower. "We're so gonna beat those guys! We're gonna crush them!"

"Heck yeah we are!" Meredith went right along with him.

"They're gonna wish they were on _our _team. Even the Mariners! We're gonna make them cry, we're so good."

"Wow." Christina was completely bewildered by his optimism. She raised an eyebrow at Meredith then leaned forward towards Mason, using her best parent voice.

"Well the important thing is to just to have fun."

It was patronizing and awkward all at once and Meredith struggled mightily not to laugh. Christina talking to children had always been pretty damned funny. She had no clue how to relate to tiny humans. But the one thing she did know was that Mason's team was going to lose... and it was going to lose badly. At least she was trying to prepare the kid.

"It's okay," Jenn seemed to understand this as well. "No matter what happens, we're just... we're so grateful." She was clearly overwhelmed by the day's events. Christina stepping up, the rest of the hospital working so hard to raise money for her family. "Really, I have no idea how to thank you for all of this. Gracie was so excited when I told her about the game. One of the players even said he'd come by after, just to say hi."

Aw… those charming Mariners… Meredith could already picture them… the guys who'd soon be hitting line drives at her head.

"So how's she doing?" Meredith wisely shifted her focus back to the patient. She hadn't seen Gracie in a few days. Now that she was allowed to operate again, her schedule hadn't left her much room for visits. "Is she feeling better?"

"Yeah, that's what she keeps saying," Jenn didn't sound completely convinced. "Dr. Bailey checked her this morning and all her vitals were good. She was even playing a game with Mason earlier."

"I totally won!" the little boy interjected.

"You sure did." Jenn tilted back the brim of his hat. The mutual adoration was apparent as they grinned at each other. "Gracie was a pretty good sport about it though, wasn't she?"

"Yep!"

Jenn gave him a nod then stole another look at Christina. There was some hesitation, Meredith could see it. It had nothing to do with Christina's abilities and everything to do with Jenn's role as a sister.

"Dr. Yang thinks it's fine," she said gradually. "If I go to the game, I mean. It should be fine, right?"

"It _will_ be fine." Christina's demeanor was calm and steady. For someone whose bedside manner was often found lacking, she was amazingly good with Jenn and Gracie. "I'll be here until you get back. So you should go, go enjoy yourself for a little while."

"She's right," Meredith added. "You need to get out, recharge. It's better for all of you."

Jenn merely nodded again, taking their recommendation to heart. If it had just been her, then her decision might have been different. But she had Mason to consider. The kid needed some normalcy. Jenn was willing to sacrifice a few hours outside in the sun, but she couldn't take that away from her brother, not when he was this excited about something.

"Are you still the pitcher?" Mason's mind had already gone back to the game. He was practically beaming at Meredith. "I bet you're real good. I bet you're better than anyone else on my team!"

"Oh I'm..." she trailed off, wondering how she could put this. "I'm… okay."

"Wait, you're playing pitcher?"

Christina suddenly lit up like a Christmas tree. She was well aware that Meredith sucked. And now she would suck on a much larger stage… in front of her colleagues, and several major league baseball players.

"Well, that should be fun." The delight was written all over her face. "That should be really, _really_ fun."

"Oh, you know it will be." Meredith plastered on a smile. She was glad Christina was enjoying this so much, but she still felt like she should lessen the blow for poor Mason.

"But my arm _is_ kind of sore today…" She rubbed her shoulder for effect as she regarded the boy. "I had a really long surgery last night-"

"She did," Christina confirmed. "So her muscles, they may be kind of weak."

"Not super weak-"

"Pretty weak."

"I mean good enough to throw for an inning or two-"

"But probably not well," Christina finished up for her, pretending to sound oh-so sympathetic. "It's a shame really. Normally, she'd be the talk of the hospital."

She was fighting not to laugh, Meredith could tell. She wrinkled her nose at her friend, even as Mason piped up beside her.

"Well what about your sister?"

"What?"

"Your sister," he pressed on, hoping to pull her attention back from Christina. "You said she throws hard right?"

Christina instantly swallowed her laughter and Meredith could see her whole body stiffen. She hugged her charts to her chest as Mason continued.

"You should tell her to come. She can be on our team too, with you and me and Jenn."

"Mason," Jenn reached for his arm. "There are a lot of other people playing already. I don't think that'll work."

"Sure it will," he insisted. "It's _our_ team. We can have whoever we want, can't we Dr. Grey?"

The question hung in the air and Meredith could feel everyone watching her. Christina was practically boring a hole through her skull, waiting for her friend to glance her direction… to somehow explain how this kid knew about Lexie. But Meredith couldn't do that. So instead, she simply focused on Mason.

"Lexie..." she started slowly, wondering if he remembered her name. He'd found it funny the first time he'd heard it. "Lexie's not here."

"Well where is she?" Mason was so used to having his own sisters close by. The fact that her sister wasn't, seemed to confuse him. "Is she really far away or something?"

"Yeah," Meredith swallowed. "Yeah, she is."

"Well that sucks."

"Hey," Jenn gave him a swat on the shoulder. "Watch your mouth. You know I hate it when you use that word."

Mason dipped his head, eager to hide his guilty expression.

"Sorry," he mumbled.

Meredith wanted to tell him that it was okay, that he was right. It did suck. But she knew Jennifer wouldn't understand the intrusion.

"Well maybe she can come to the next game..." he tried again. "I can teach her how to throw one of those curve balls. Coach Pete showed us. It's real easy. And then we can all be on the same team."

"Maybe…"

"And if she's the pitcher, then you can pick another position, any position you want."

Evidently, he wasn't going to let go of this plan.

"If you want to play outfield, or maybe catcher. You could totally play catcher. She can pitch and you can catch. That'd be funny, right?"

Meredith could feel the corners of her mouth pushing upwards. It was sweet, this idea that these games would continue somehow. The simple dreams of a child, a kid who just didn't know any better. He didn't understand that life marched on, that in a few more months he would probably forget all about them.

"Come on Mason," Jennifer reached down and tugged his cap sideways. "We'd better get going. You're gonna want to scope out the competition, right?"

"Right!" He grinned again. "And Dr. Grey can come with us."

Before she could say anything, he'd latched onto Meredith's remaining hand. His fingers felt warm... and oh so tiny.

"She can sit in the back seat with me."

Oh Mason... Meredith was truly touched by the boy's invitation. She had no idea how she was gonna let go of those fingers. Already they had entwined with hers. But thankfully, Jennifer stepped in to rescue her.

"We already talked about this," she said gently. "Dr. Grey has to take her own car, remember? Just in case they want her to come back here."

"For Gracie?"

"No, she's gonna be fine." Meredith didn't want him to worry. "Gracie will be with Dr. Yang. But there are other patients and if they need me, then I might have to leave early."

"Alright," Mason was clearly unhappy with this news. "I guess, if you have to."

"I do."

"You sure?"

"Mason…" Jenn let out a sigh. "Of course she's sure. She just told you, buddy. _I_ just told you…"

She seemed embarrassed by her brother's persistence, but Meredith actually found it endearing. This kid, he wanted to hang out with her and not because he pitied her or needed her help, just because he thought she was fun. Sure he was seven, but it was nice to talk to someone who didn't know all her baggage.

"I'll be right behind you," Meredith reassured him. "I will, I promise."

"Okay," Mason perked up a bit, shrugging off his disappointment as only a child could. He finally let go of Meredith, curling his fingers into tiny fists of fury that he waved in the air.

"Because we're gonna crush 'em!" He was like a boxer preparing for some epic fight. "We are. We're _so_ gonna crush 'em, Dr. Grey!"

"Oh little man..." Jenn put her hands on his shoulders, leading him towards the door. Even then, he kept his gaze locked on Meredith.

"We're gonna crush 'em!"

He repeated his mantra a couple more times before he and his sister disappeared down the hallway. Christina waited a beat, then turned back to Meredith.

"You're _totally_ gonna crush 'em..."

Her tone was flat. But her mockery was easy to hear. At least for the moment, she'd forgotten about Lexie. She was too busy reveling in Meredith's potential humiliation.

"I'm almost sorry that I'm gonna miss it." She put her arm around her friend in the most condescending manner humanly possible. "We all expect great things from you by the way."

"Oh shut up."

Meredith shoved her back as Christina started laughing. She had known this was coming, of course. Christina loved to tease her and this was such a prime opportunity.

"I'm not _that_ bad."

"You _are_ that bad.

"No, I'm not."

"Meredith, I was drunk at the last game and I _still_ remember it," Christina informed her. "That's how bad you were."

Meredith crossed her arms.

"Well you weren't any better."

"Yeah, but I'm not playing today, am I?"

And here came the smirk... Christina was just so damned proud of herself. The girl who'd fallen while chasing a ball last year… right on her face, she'd fallen, all the while cackling.

"Well, you could still come out, you know," Meredith gave up on her pride and begged just a little. She certainly wouldn't have minded another friend on the field. And besides, there was a small chance that Christina might make her look better.

"As a show of support… I mean, everyone seems to think I'm all sad and disturbed-"

"You actually might be," Christina cut her off easily. Apparently someone had held on to that streak of dark humor. "You should use that to your advantage. If anyone heckles you from the stands, that's a perfect out. Just start to cry or something."

"That's not funny."

"What, your inability to throw or that fact that you're all sad and disturbed?"

Meredith simply scowled at her. That was her role, to play the offended friend, even if the words slid right off her back. For now anyway, she was strong enough to take the jokes. And Christina seemed to instinctively realize it.

"Well I'm glad you're staying with Gracie at least..." She was ready to get back to their original topic. "I know Jenn really appreciates it. It's a good thing you're doing, a _nice_ thing."

Christina rolled her eyes. She wasn't one for sentimentality. And their conversation's right-turn seemed to sour her mood.

"It's not nice, it's smart," she countered. "I'm not gonna leave that patient in the hands of some intern. Have you met our interns? They're terrible."

Meredith nodded in agreement.

"They do kind of suck this year."

"_Kind of_ suck?"

To Christina, this might have been the world's greatest understatement.

"I've got one guy who can't even draw blood. It's like I've been cursed with Two's idiot cousin."

Aww... Two. Meredith smiled a little upon hearing that nickname. Poor Former Intern Steve would never live that one down.

"Well mine actually got lost yesterday."

In the game of lousy interns, she would probably win.

"Literally, between the ER and the surgical ward. A janitor found him wandering in the basement. He got out of the elevator, took ten steps and couldn't find his way back."

"Where the hell did we get these people?" Christina's annoyance was bordering on anger. "Seriously, I feel like we just stepped back into med school, and not like some good med school. I'm talking about the kind they have on those tropical islands."

"It always starts out this way."

"With the interns, yeah," Christina allowed. "But those new nurses Owen hired? They're just as big a disaster. Their notes are a mess, their patient care... it's awful, Mer. It's amazing anyone ever leaves here alive."

Meredith bit her lip, choosing to stay quiet on that one. She wasn't actually sure the nurses were all _that_ bad. But Alex's comments still echoed in her head. Christina's patients were dying, in fact one had coded the previous evening. Maybe this was just an extension of that… a chance to blow off some steam with a friend who would listen.

"I just, I can't believe this is what we are left with," Christina shook her head bitterly. "Crap interns, new doctors who just take over everything, nurses who can barely hold the pens that we give them… why in the hell did we come back for this?"

The question caught Meredith off guard, because the answer was right there in front of them. They'd come back because they'd survived… because this was their home. But even though she understood that, Meredith could still see what Christina was saying. Everything had felt different since that day. Everything had felt... off.

"Alex thinks I'm cracking."

Her words tumbled out suddenly, interrupting Christina's tirade.

"I told him I was fighting with Derek and he did all those tests on my brain and now... now he thinks I'm losing it. He's afraid that I'm gonna end up like Lexie."

Christina stared at her, confused...concerned... and Meredith quickly figured out her mistake.

"Crazy," she clarified. "Not... not dead."

"Well that's… stupid." Christina couldn't think of a better response. "You're not crazy. You're just... mourning. You're allowed to mourn your little sister."

"And he also thinks I should talk to my shrink."

"That part he's right about." Her answer came much faster this time. This was clearly an issue she'd been considering.

"I mean you went to see her before, on stuff that wasn't even close to this bad. Your whole on again, off again thing with Derek... that sort of seems like nothing now."

Meredith cringed. She hadn't been ready for quite that much honesty, but she sucked it up and tried to move on.

"Well I did talk to her," she continued. "Dr. Wyatt, just a few minutes ago. She sort of cornered me actually."

"Did you tell her about Lexie?" Christina forced herself to speak softly. And here Meredith knew, was the kernel of her best friend's interest, the question she'd been waiting to ask. "Did you tell her how you see her at night?"

"No." Meredith shook her head. "She doesn't need to know about that. That's none of her business."

"Mer, she's your shrink."

"It's _nobody's_ business, Christina."

Christina dropped her gaze, still uncomfortable with that rather large secret. Meredith sometimes wondered if she should have mentioned it at all, but she'd been drunk and her barriers had been down.

"You cannot tell anyone about Lexie." She had to be sure that Christina wouldn't break. "Not Dr. Wyatt, not Alex, _definitely_ not Derek."

"I won't." Christina wasn't thrilled about it, but she made the promise anyway. "I won't, I swear."

Meredith watched her for another second or two. She waited to see that telltale look, the one that said Christina was lying. There was a certain way she blinked... a way her eyebrows went up just a fraction of an inch. But no, her friend was being sincere.

"So what _did _you say to her?" Christina asked quietly. "If you didn't mention Lexie-"

"I told her about visiting my father." Meredith was only too happy to fill in the rest, anything to move past those earlier questions. "I told her about trying to visit Mark, about this game today."

"And?"

"And I thought she'd see that as progress." Meredith couldn't quite hide her disappointment. For some reason, she'd just assumed that she was on the right path. "But instead, she thinks I'm doing all this for Lexie, like I'm trying to become her or something."

Christina hesitated, giving her a once over. She made an effort to be subtle about it, but Meredith could see her taking it all in, the pigtails, the glove, the old bag slung over her shoulder.

"And yes, I get that I'm standing here in a jersey," She went ahead and stated the obvious. "And I get that I might look like Lexie and I get that I'm about to play a game that I totally suck at, but that doesn't mean she's right, does it?"

"I don't know..."

Christina seemed genuinely unsure of her answer.

"I don't know why we're doing anything anymore. I mean, it's supposed to be for this family. But we've had tons of families come through here… And I don't know why this one's special. I don't know why we care more, but we do. We just… do."

She was correct, of course. A few months ago they would have talked to the Murrays, treated them kindly and given Gracie the best medical treatment they could possibly offer. But everything else? The hugs and the fundraising, coming in on their off days, bringing Jenn lunch and playing with Mason, she wasn't so sure about that.

"Maybe it has something to do with the accident," Christina sighed. "Maybe it doesn't. But I'm still gonna stay here today. Because it's the only thing that feels right at the moment."

Meredith took a breath then gradually slid the glove off her hand.

"I wish I knew what was right..." she shook her head slowly. "I mean this game today, that seems right, but maybe I'm doing it for all the wrong reasons, I don't know."

She tucked the glove away in the bag, off to one side where it'd be easy to find. Christina watched each movement carefully, the way she opened the flap, the way she zipped it all back together, the way her hand brushed those initials.

"She was really good," Christina bit her lip. "I remember that part. I remember you guys playing and she was always really good. It sort of pissed me off actually..."

Christina had been there, all those days and nights on the field. She'd heard the laughter, seen all the cheerful smiles. And she knew as well as anyone what had been lost...

"Oh screw it," she muttered.

Her eyes refocused on Meredith and suddenly it was as if she'd snapped out of a daze. There was that defiance again, that will to push through all the ugliness that kept raining down on them.

"Who cares what your shrink says anyway?" She dismissed the doctor's assessment with a wave of her hand. "So maybe you play this game for yourself, or maybe you go ahead and play it for Mason, or Jenn, or hell even Bailey."

"I'm not gonna play it for Bailey," Meredith murmured.

"It doesn't even matter," Christina knew she was missing the point. "What matters here is you. So if none of that feels right, if you need to go out there for Lexie instead, then do it."

"But Dr. Wyatt-"

"Hell with Dr. Wyatt."

She might as well have been an intern with the way Christina spat out her name.

"Dr. Wyatt doesn't matter here. This is _me_ giving you permission. And I'm telling you right now that you're allowed to do something nice for your sister. Even if she can't be here to see it in person, it's okay to do this for her. You don't have to apologize for that."

She grabbed Meredith by the shoulders, then leaned down a little until their eyes met.

"She would love this, Mer."

Christina held her gaze, steady as always.

"This day, this family, all the money you're gonna raise... the fact that you're even willing to step out of that dugout after everything that has happened… She'd be so proud of you.

And she would _absolutely_ love it."

* * *

**So there you go guys... hope you enjoyed it! I'll be honest, originally there were two scenes in this chapter. But alas, they both kept getting longer and longer. And so I decided to split them up. Maybe it's for the best, as this scene sort of stands on its own. It has as much to do with Christina as it does Meredith. You get a little more insight into how she's been doing, the struggles she's been having. It's always interesting to watch these two bounce their problems off of each other. And I truly love their friendship in good times and in bad. Plus, you get a little more of the Murray family and you know they'll pop up again. **

**Okay, the next chapter will have the flashback I promised you... So stay tuned. Hopefully it'll be here sooner rather than later. In the meantime, please review... whether you're a new reader, or someone who's been here since the very beginning, I'd love to hear what you think of this story.**


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter Twenty-Five**

"_My point is, sometimes the best gifts come in really surprising packages." –Meredith Grey_

* * *

Winter should have been here by now.

Meredith Grey kept searching the sky, wondering where the clouds were, the gloomy weather that Seattle was known for. It was early December for crying out loud. Christmas was right around the corner, but the sun was shining brightly and the temperatures, while not exactly hot, were certainly mild enough to be comfortable. She was just about ready to peel off her sweatshirt… in December.

If only it had been cold, raining or snowing or even just a little bit windy, then she could have been at home. She could have been under a blanket reading, instead of out here huddled in the dugout with her friends, having it out with the new batch of residents.

"Okay guys, you got this!" Lexie clapped near the entrance, careful not to hit her still bandaged pinky. She'd somehow become their team captain, unable to play with her injured finger, but happy to make up for it with words of encouragement. "Come on Graziella, let's go!"

Meredith grimaced. She was ninety nine percent sure her sister had been a cheerleader at some point in her life. She could just picture Lexie bouncing around with the high ponytail, dating some boy with a letterman jacket… all the while playing for the softball team. Meredith's high school years had basically involved watching her mom's surgical videos and avoiding all those supposedly "fun" activities.

God, she wished she'd avoided this one as well…

It had been Steve's idea, Intern Steve, who terrifyingly enough was now Resident Steve. He and a couple of the others had organized a "friendly" softball game against the Mercy West invaders. Of course, friendly was a relative term. The Mercy West group wasn't exactly popular and even the slightest chance of knocking them down a peg or two had drawn many of her co-workers into the fray… it had drawn _her_ into the fray. They'd all been blinded by the chance to compete. Alex was here. And though she couldn't even slip on a glove, Lexie had happily come in right behind him. Christina was the only smart one in the bunch. She was sitting in the bleachers, heckling all of them.

"Nice try!" Lexie continued to yell, even as her teammate struck out in spectacular fashion. "You almost had it!"

"No, she didn't," Alex muttered. He was laid out on the bench, his head propped up on his bag, his feet crossed. "That wasn't even close. My peds kid had a better shot of hitting that ball."

He wasn't wrong… at all. But Lexie still glared at him as Graziella came skulking back into the dugout. Alex let her pass then rolled his eyes at their overly enthusiastic team captain.

"Dude, they're up ten to three." He gestured towards the scoreboard. "I say we ditch this and go get some lunch."

"I second that." Meredith raised her hand in support. She'd been silent for awhile, but it seemed like a good time to speak up. They were currently getting their asses handed to them. But Lexie wasn't about to throw in the towel.

"You've barely even played," she frowned at her sister. "So you don't get a vote."

"In my defense, I don't think you'd want me to play."

Former Intern Steve nodded beside her. He'd been Meredith's catching partner in the few minutes of practice they'd actually had. Well _catching_ partner might have been a generous term, because the ball had never been quite accurate enough for him to catch.

"We can still do this." Lexie insisted. "We can totally, totally do this. Janson's on first, Bradley's on third. And we all know Pierce can hit a single at least."

"Yeah, I don't think Pierce is your problem."

Alex popped a few sunflower seeds into his mouth then grinned to himself as the others turned towards him.

"What?" Lexie didn't get the joke. "What's so funny?"

"Meredith's up after him."

"Oh god, seriously?" Meredith wrinkled her nose in dismay.

The rules were pretty much a mystery to her, but she had just assumed they'd keep her out of the batting lineup. She reached over and smacked Alex as he giggled beside her.

"You're gonna do great." He pressed his lips together, feigning sincerity. "Honestly Mer, you totally got this."

"Oh shut up!" Meredith stood, yanking the bag out from under his head. Alex barely managed to catch himself as he rolled off the bench. Lexie, meanwhile, ignored the commotion, choosing to concentrate on the game instead.

"It's gonna be fine." Her reassurances were automatic, though her annoyance was easy to hear. "Don't listen to Alex. He's an idiot."

That was definitely true… But it wasn't just Alex, Meredith knew. The rest of the team seemed just as dismissive of her abilities. Most of them had been interns the previous year. They'd been scared of her, not in the same way that she'd been scared of Bailey... but still. And now they were staring at her, in her far too pristine jersey, with a weariness they saved for their biggest lost causes.

Dani checked her watch.

"If we leave in the next few minutes, we can still hit happy hour at Joe's," she offered. "We can probably get a group discount on the beer at least."

"I'm in."

"Me too…"

Up and down the bench, people came back to life. Lexie was still watching Pierce, hoping against hope that he would give them something to cheer about. But eventually, the growing buzz drew her notice. She glanced over her shoulder then did a double take as she saw them gathering up their belongings.

"Oh no, no, no. No way." She shook her head quickly. "No way are you running out on this now."

"Lexie, it's not a big deal." Dani stood and shouldered her bag. "We all thought it'd be fun, but it's not. So I say, we wave the white flag and go get some drinks."

"Are you kidding me?" Lexie was incredulous. She obviously hadn't expected this mutiny she was witnessing. "You're just gonna give up in the middle of an inning?"

"Yeah, I am."

"Just because Meredith's up next-"

"Well that and the fact that we're already losing."

"But we still have half the game left," Lexie protested. "That's a lot of time. A few more hits and we're right back in this thing."

"Who's we?" Dani snarked. "You can't even play."

"But you asked me to come out here."

"Yeah, well, maybe I shouldn't have…" She motioned at the others, her mind made up. "We're going to Joe's. You can stay here or not. It really doesn't matter to me."

_Ouch… _

Meredith couldn't help but cringe on her sister's behalf. Dani had always been one of the brattier interns, the one who'd ditched Lexie with Mr. Arnold years before. But Lexie didn't shrink from her words. She didn't appear sad or hurt. Nope, Meredith's little sister was clearly incensed, slightly exasperated and verging on angry.

"Hey, this was _your_ idea." She took a deliberate step closer to Dani. "You and Steve. You both said you played in college. And so far, you've both sucked."

She gave her teammate a pointed look, the kind she usually saved for Alex Karev.

"Like really, _truly_ sucked. Like I can't even think of anything nice to say-sucked."

"Here, here," Alex chimed in, giving them both a tip of his hat.

"Hey, I never said I played in college," Steve objected from his seat behind Dani. "I said Little League, like when I was nine."

"Well, were you a quitter then too?" Lexie put her hands on her hips. And now she turned her gaze on the rest of them, her eyes running down the long line of grim faced players.

"Maybe you were all quitters? Maybe you're all _still_ quitters-"

"Lexie," Meredith reached for her arm, but Lexie shook her off.

"Because what? You want to just roll over and die now? Give them our hospital, our attendings, the ORs we love. Forget the fact that _we_ were there first-"

"Lexie, it's a softball game-"

"No, it's a principle. _It's a principle_, Steve." She gestured at Meredith, her hands flying through the air at an ever-increasing speed. "So my sister, she may be a terrible player. She may not be able to tell a softball from a tennis ball, I don't know. But she _is_ a damn good doctor. And she deserves at least some small chance to dismantle these guys out there on that field-"

"I really don't actually," Meredith leaned in closer, attempting to whisper. But Lexie wouldn't have it. She was too busy dressing down their god-awful team.

"And honestly, she can't be any worse than most of you." She tilted her head, zeroing in on one player in particular. "Especially you Dani. Because let's face it, if you played in college, your coach must have been blind."

"Excuse me?"

"That ball they hit to centerfield? A toddler could have caught that. _My sister_ could have caught that."

Meredith wasn't sure whether to be insulted or proud. But she had to admit, Lexie was really finding her groove.

"Those people over there," she pointed an accusing finger at the opposite dugout. "They've come in and stolen some of our very best surgeries. Who got the lung transplant last week? Who took the double leg amputation? Their hospital is literally closed. It's currently collecting dust on the other side of Seattle, but they still talk about it like it's some kind of medical holy land. They try to act like they're better than us. But we're smarter, we're stronger and we sure as hell aren't going to back down from them. Not today, not on my watch."

Meredith saw several nods among her teammates. Somehow, Lexie's little speech had won them all over and now it was time for her big, stirring finish.

"We are in a battle, my friends." Her voice rose as she marched the length of the dugout. "This is good versus evil. This is us versus them. And we may lose, we will almost certainly lose, but we are _not_ going to roll over and die. We are not going to give in. We are going to stand up and fight, right here, right now-"

"Annnnnnd Pierce just struck out."

Meredith could almost hear the record scratch as Alex interrupted her. Lexie's eyes went wide with shock.

"What?"

"He's out. Pierce is out and Meredith's up."

And with that, her sister's carefully worded spell was instantly broken.

_Dammit…_

Meredith cursed under her breath. So much for that plan… She'd been hoping that Pierce would hit a home run, slam that ball right over the fences. But instead, two of her teammates were still standing on bases, waiting for someone to come up to bat… and unfortunately for all of them that someone was her.

Dani gave the others a meaningful nod as if to say she'd been right all along. They should have bolted when they'd had the chance.

"The line up's locked." Steve glanced around helplessly. "We each agreed to the teams this morning, remember?"

"Well what about subs?" someone called out. "If she's hurt-"

"She's not hurt."

"Maybe she can limp." Graziella indicated Meredith's leg. "It doesn't have to be huge-"

"She's not gonna limp! How in the hell would you explain that?"

"I don't know. Maybe somebody kicked her by accident?"

And here it came, the part where they all shouted at once, each one fighting to yell over the others.

Graziella and Steve were searching for an answer to their current problem. But Alex was still groaning about lunch. And Dani was proposing happy hour all over again. For two whole minutes, Lexie had held their attention, but now the whole thing had devolved into chaos. Players arguing over whether to forfeit the game, whether or not they should head out for drinks... Other possible activities were thrown in for good measure, not the least of which was keying Avery's new car. Apparently, he wasn't very popular with the guys in their group.

"I cannot hit that ball."

Meredith took the opportunity to drag her sister aside. Lexie was still projecting an air of confidence, but it was becoming less convincing as her team collapsed all around her.

"You better not make me do this, Lex," she warned her. "You told me I was just here to support you guys. You did _not_ tell me I was gonna get humiliated in front of my interns."

"Former interns."

"I don't care!" Meredith snapped. Suddenly _any_ other plan sounded better than Lexie's. It didn't matter how many motivational speeches she gave.

"Let's just do like Dani says, cut this short and go out to Joe's. The drinks are on me. You can have as many cosmos as your happy little heart desires."

"Meredith," Lexie folded her arms stubbornly. "You can hit that ball. I am absolutely sure of it."

"No, you're not."

"Yes, I am."

"Why does it even matter?" Meredith understood competition in the OR. But this was a game and a silly game at that. "So we lose to the freakin' Mercy Westers. Who the hell cares?"

"I care."

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I do."

"Lexie," she leveled her gaze at her sister, pulling her even farther towards the end of the dugout. "I just watched you give Percy a surgery last week because you felt bad for him. And he is basically Izzie's replacement. Izzie got fired while working with _him_."

Lexie's tough, cut-throat veneer was beginning to crack, revealing a deep well of sympathy hidden below. She simply couldn't help it.

"Well everyone's been so mean to him."

"Yeah, everyone except you." Meredith jabbed a finger into her shoulder. "So this whole 'us versus them' thing, I'm not buying it. You are not an 'us versus them' kind of girl."

"Hey, it's good for team morale." She somehow ignored the bickering that refuted her statement. It would have been hilarious if it hadn't been so incredibly maddening. "And besides, it's important for us to finish what we started."

"Really?" Meredith didn't believe her at all. "Even a stupid softball game that nobody cares about?"

"Yes," Lexie stammered. "Even that."

She was holding firm on her argument, but now her tone was lacking conviction. Something was up, Meredith could tell. There was another piece to this story, something that Lexie had neglected to mention.

"It's just, it's important, okay?" she tried again. "It's important to keep going."

"Why?"

"It just is."

"_Why?"_ Meredith was going to dig as deep as she needed to. "And don't give me that whole 'it's the principle' thing. I can see you starting to sweat, Lex."

Meredith waited... Lexie's cheeks were already beginning to flush, so she knew it wouldn't be long. Another few seconds passed and then a few more. Lexie bounced on the balls of her feet then hurriedly glanced away into the stands.

Oh hell, this was getting insane…

Meredith let out a sigh of frustration then craned her neck to see what had caught Lexie's interest. There was Christina in the very front row. She had a book next to her, but it was closed and she was watching the proceedings with noticeable glee. Poor Pierce had been the latest recipient of her expert teasing.

But three rows up from her was none other than Mark Sloan. Yes, Lexie's boyfriend was sitting in the stands, his collar pulled up against the light breeze. He was sporting a huge grin, and as he caught sight of Meredith, he gave her a wave, just as charming as ever. Meredith couldn't bring herself to smile back.

"Are you kidding me?" She dropped her voice and whirled around to face Lexie. "We're doing all this so you can show off to your boyfriend?!"

"No!" Lexie said hastily. "No."

But her expression spoke volumes. She'd been caught and she knew it.

"Lexie, do not make me scold you in front of your friends."

"It's not about Mark."

And now her lie was even more obvious. She didn't even have the decency to properly hide it.

"Alexandra Caroline Grey!" Meredith went straight for the full name. It was a trick she'd learned from George, one that had come in handy on multiple occasions. "I cannot believe you!"

"Okay, it's not _exactly_ about Mark." Lexie pulled the brim of her hat down a little, seeming more embarrassed by the minute. Luckily for her, the rest of the team was still arguing.

"It's just... he's got this thing, this thing with Sloan."

Of course…that totally figured. Meredith had been dragged to a game because of Mark's goofy kid.

"If he's not at the hospital, then he has to be at home with her. He thinks it makes him a good parent or something, even though all they do is watch TV. Literally, that's all they do. They don't talk, they just watch TV."

"Well that sounds healthy."

"I know, right?"

Lexie managed a smile. For a second, she thought she was off the hook, that she and Meredith were having a moment. But her sister's glare told her otherwise and she quickly pressed on.

"So today, today I convinced him to come out here and leave her at home. And I realize that makes me a bad person. I mean really, she's just a teenager and she is my boyfriend's daughter and she needs him and it's sweet that he wants to help her-"

"Get to the point, Lex."

"I can't go back to that apartment right now."

Her explanation finally came out all at once.

"I just, I can't, Mer. If we quit then Mark will want to go back and I can't do it. That girl, she is driving me crazy."

"Oh come on..."

"She listens to Britney Spears," Lexie sounded almost pitiful. "All the time. Everyday, just blasting out of the speakers."

Meredith groaned...

Of all the stupid reasons to have to play softball…

She knew Lexie loved the game. And if she'd been able to throw today, they might have had a fighting chance. But instead, she'd cut off the tip of her finger, also because of Mark's daughter… and this is where they had landed.

"Fine."

Meredith couldn't look at her sister's pleading eyes any longer. And she surely didn't want her losing any more fingers.

"Fine, I'll do it. But you're gonna owe me."

"I know." Lexie's relief was palpable as Meredith caved. "I swear, I'll do anything."

"Oh, I'll think of something, don't worry."

At least the rest of the team had settled back down again. Lexie must have earned some loyalty over the years, because amazingly enough, no one had left. Steve even held out a bat for Meredith as she marched straight out of the dugout.

"You don't even have to hit it that far." Lexie chased after her. "Even if you just get a tiny piece of it, that should be enough. And if the ball hits you-"

"Seriously?" She spun around towards the girl. "You want me to get hit by a baseball?"

"A softball."

"Lexie, just because they call it a softball doesn't mean it's soft," Meredith hissed. "That much I _have_ learned."

"Just try your best."

Lexie was apparently done with her pep talk. She gave Meredith one last pat on the back then jogged to the dugout, flashing a quick thumbs up as she did.

"You got this Mer!"

And now, the cheerleader had returned...

Meredith took a deep breath, reminding herself that this was for a good cause. Sure, that cause had something to do with a slightly slutty teenager who had wormed her way into her sister's apartment… but she'd done far worse things for far more ridiculous reasons.

This was a game. A dumb softball game. Nobody was dying because of it. And even if she couldn't catch the ball, that didn't mean she couldn't hit it.

She held her head high as she walked the rest of the way to the plate, hoping to save some last shred of her dignity. Thankfully, Christina was keeping her mouth shut. All she could hear was Lexie's overly enthusiastic cheering and some half-hearted accompaniment from the rest of her teammates. Reed was playing catcher and Meredith caught the nasty little smile she shot through her mask.

"Last at-bat for the inning." She gave her mitt a hearty punch. Her tone matched her appearance, sweet and exceedingly fake. "We're ready when you are."

Meredith resisted the urge to say something snarky. She didn't have a lot of ground to stand on anyway. Hell, even her own team knew that she sucked.

"I'm really impressed you even came out here."

Reed was still chattering away behind her. Meredith let out a sigh, struggling to concentrate on the pitcher. Jackson Avery… at least he was nice to watch.

"With that medical leave and all…" Reed clicked her tongue in mock sympathy. "That must have been tough, missing so much work. I figured you'd be back in the lab catching up."

The liver transplant… This girl was giving her crap about that of all things…

"Nope, everything's going pretty well actually," Meredith kept her own tone just as sugary-sweet. "Three life saving surgeries this week, kinda hard to feel bad about that."

"Well, I think it's nice that they're still giving you a chance. I mean, now that we're here, they certainly have more capable hands."

Meredith shot a look over her shoulder as Reed's smile thinned.

"Well I'm not sure _capable _is the word I would choose."

It was almost too easy… Reed's smile rapidly morphed into a glare.

God, she disliked that girl. Out of all the new residents, Reed Adamson had turned out to be the biggest jerk of them all. Meredith would happily trade her for Izzie, or even April, the newbie they'd fired the previous month. So much for the Mercy Westers and their "capable hands."

"Ladies?" Avery yelled to them from the mound. "Are you ready, or what?"

Meredith adjusted her stance just a little, making sure to kick up some extra dust as she did. With any luck, Reed would choke on it.

"Ready!" she called back. "I'm ready-"

The ball came at her before she could finish. Meredith barely had a chance to blink as it whizzed past her body, hitting Reed's mitt with a disheartening thump.

"That's one!"

_Son of a bitch…_

Meredith didn't dare glance over at Lexie, or the rest of her team for that matter. The other bench had already erupted in cheers. Somewhere Dani was saying "I told you so."

"It's okay, this game's not for everyone." Reed straightened and tossed the ball back to Avery. "Losing just comes naturally to some people."

Meredith scowled.

"I guess you would know."

She wasn't proud of herself, but she was already wondering what would happen if she dropped the bat on Reed's head. Not swung it, just accidentally dropped it somehow. The girl did have a catcher's mask on at least… so it wasn't like the hit would be fatal.

"Come on Big Grey!"

The sound of Mark's shouting interrupted her thoughts. Evidently, he'd taken a cue from Lexie and now he was clapping wildly, hoping that Meredith wouldn't embarrass herself.

"Just concentrate and keep your eye on the ball!" His exclamation easily carried over the field. "You got this. You totally got this!"

Avery was busy adjusting his glove. But she could clearly hear Reed snorting behind her.

"Man, Sloan's excited. Is there something you forgot to tell us?"

"Watch it."

"No, I'm serious." The catcher just couldn't seem to help herself. "He hasn't cheered that hard for anyone else today. And he _is_ an attending. He's supposed to be neutral."

Meredith didn't respond. What the hell was taking Avery so long anyway? Was he trying to let Reed get into her head?

"Come on, you can do it!"

And there was Mark Sloan again…

"You know," Reed had to speak up to drown out his yelling. "I've heard all about the famous Grey family. It's impressive, really. All those big studies you've participated in, the surgeries… I could only dream of having those opportunities."

"Well I wouldn't hold your breath," Meredith muttered. "But maybe someday you'll actually be good enough."

"Or maybe I should just follow your lead…" Reed lowered her voice to a stage whisper. "I bet it's a lot easier if you sleep your way up."

Meredith clenched her jaw. Any minute now, Avery was going to pitch. Two more strikes and her obligation would be over. If she happened to hit the ball even better. If she happened to hit Reed, even better than that.

"Come on, Mer!" Lexie was standing back near the fence. "Don't let them get to you! That guy's got no arm."

"Yeah, come on Big Grey!" Mark joined in the chorus.

And here came the ball again. Meredith gripped the bat tightly, willing herself not to miss. But just as before, the ball sliced right past her.

"Strike two!"

_God dammit._

"It's okay Mer!" Lexie tried not to sound disappointed. "Way to hang in there!"

"You still got another shot!"

Meredith chewed the inside of her cheek, wishing that Mark would just shut up already. Lexie, she could handle. The two of them plus Reed, that was another story entirely. She'd been up almost twenty-four hours already and her patience was wearing awfully thin.

"So how does that work exactly?" Reed leaned in closer, carefully balancing on the balls of her feet. She cocked her head to one side as she peered into the stands. "Do you guys switch off?"

"Excuse me?"

"You and Lexie," she was only too happy to explain. "You guys each have attendings, right? I'm just wondering if you trade every once in awhile."

Meredith rolled her shoulders back.

"Now might be a good time to shut up," she murmured.

"You know, you should probably be careful." Reed refused to heed her warning. "If the surgery's good enough, I bet she'll take both of them. Your on-call room is pretty big afterall."

That was it.

Meredith dropped her bat and spun around suddenly, her movement catching her tormenter off guard. Reed let out a yelp as she fell on her ass.

"I dare you to say that again!" Meredith towered over the catcher now sprawled in the dirt. "I dare you to look me in the eye and say that again."

"Hey, it's just trash talk!" Reed hurriedly crawled backwards then lifted her mask. "There's no rule against-"

"Saying crap about my family?! Well I'm about to make a rule!"

"Whoa! Whoa!" Avery came running in from the mound, hastily stepping in front of his teammate. "Hold off, it's just a game guys."

"Not to her!" Reed huffed as she got to her feet. "She's ready to kill me."

"If you keep talking about my sister that way, I just might." Meredith moved around Avery, thankful she didn't still have that bat in her hands. "And you sure as hell don't get to say anything about me or my husband."

"I never said anything about Dr. Shepherd."

"Oh really?" Meredith almost laughed. "So those attendings you mentioned, they're just anonymous beings that I apparently sleep with?"

"Hey, that's enough!"

And here came Mark Sloan… He wisely called a timeout as he ran up with Lexie. No one else dared approach them, not with an attending there in the mix. As it was, Reed's face had turned a deep shade of red.

"Dr Sloan-"

"I thought this was a friendly game of softball." He surveyed the group, acting more and more like a dissatisfied parent. He'd probably had plenty of practice with that daughter of his. "What the hell is going on here?"

"Nothing," Reed said quickly.

"They're just blowing off steam," Avery jumped in as well, eager to help out his friend. "You know, the competitive spirit and all."

"Well that's great," Mark muttered. "But the Chief is supposed to stop by any minute. So whatever you've got going on, you might want to table it."

"Tell that to the girl who can't keep her mouth shut," Meredith continued to glare at Reed. "Because she's the one who started it."

"I didn't start anything-"

"Okay, stop." Mark held out both his hands, already fed up with their girly drama. "This isn't junior high school. It's a game, and yes, trash talking's part of it."

"Yeah, Mer," Lexie spoke up sheepishly, probably worried that she'd pushed this too far. "It sort of comes with the territory."

"Fine."

Meredith crossed her arms. She still had one play left. Why not let Reed hang herself for her crimes? She happily stepped back, letting all of the focus fall on her target.

"Then I'm sure Dr. Adamson won't mind repeating what she just said to me."

It took a minute, but gradually Reed's expression began to change. She went from annoyed to concerned… And then it seemed like she was ready to vomit. Mark noticed her extreme discomfort as well. It wasn't particularly hard to miss.

"I take it this was something inappropriate."

"Oh come on," Avery scoffed. "I've been around the hospital long enough. Inappropriate is sort of the baseline for you guys."

"Okay, I'm sorry," Reed let out a breath. She must have realized the position she had put herself in, because now she looked Meredith square in the eye, practically begging to be let off the hook. "I'm sorry about what I said about you and... everybody."

"Everybody?" Mark had obviously caught that last word. His radar was up now as he took a step closer. "Who's everybody?"

Reed practically crumpled in front of them.

"Maybe we can just leave it at that," she mumbled.

"But you've got us all curious, Dr. Adamson." Mark gestured at the little group that surrounded her. "Please, do tell."

Reed hesitated, still searching for some kind of rescue. Avery was her only hope, but he was just as intrigued as the rest of them.

"I might..." her speech wavered as she finally spoke up again. "I might have implied that some, uh certain people at the hospital had... maybe, perhaps dated, well dated other doctors higher up to get... surgeries."

"Surgeries?"

"Yeah… good, well better-better surgeries."

"So you basically accused her of sleeping her way to the top?"

Reed cringed, her gaze inadvertently moving to Lexie. And that was when Mark's eyebrows shot up.

"You accused them_ both_ of sleeping their way to the top?"

She didn't even bother to answer the question. Instead, Reed Adamson dropped her head, like a prisoner in front of a firing squad.

"Wow…" Avery made some attempt to hold it in, but already his body was shaking with laughter. "You went all out on the trash talk, I guess."

"Hey, that's not funny," Lexie's protest was immediate. "That's not funny at all."

"But it sort of is," he countered, still unable to swallow his giggling. "You guys _are _sisters after all. You both work in the same hospital. And you're both dating-"

"I'm married," Meredith interjected.

"And I'm with Mark." Lexie glanced from Reed to Avery then back again. "I've been with Mark for awhile-like a long while-"

"Almost a year," Mark finished for her.

He took a step closer to the grinning Mercy Wester, ready to put this new kid in his place

"So Dr. Avery, are you saying she's been using me this whole time?"

"No, I'm just..."

Avery trailed off, his laughter fading as he sensed the mood change. He had three people staring at him in a tight semi-circle and none of them seemed the least bit amused. Suddenly, he was the one in need of assistance. But unfortunately for him, his only ally was on her way out.

"I'm done." Reed tossed her mask at him.

"You're, you're what?" Avery was stammering now. He watched in horror as she spun around and headed back towards their dugout. "Hey, wait a sec! Reed! You're the catcher!"

"Dr. Avery," Mark moved into his eyeline. He wasn't going to let Avery wriggle his way out of this. "I'm still waiting for an answer here."

"As am I." Meredith gave him a tight smile.

Lexie stayed silent, but her face said plenty.

"Okay, how about..." Avery cleared his throat, stalling for time. Somehow he had found himself abandoned in hostile territory. And worse yet, he had pissed off an attending.

"Maybe… maybe we can just go back to the game." He motioned behind him towards the field full of people. "We only really have this place for so long, so maybe we can just forget all about this-"

"I'm not sure I can do that." Mark's voice was ominously quiet. His bright blue eyes were locked right on Avery. "I'm not sure I _should_ do that."

"Dr. Sloan, I was just kidding." Avery started panicking. "I swear to you. I didn't mean anything by it-"

"Mmmhmm."

"Really, I didn't."

"Save it, Avery," Mark barked out his name. "I'm sure we can have this conversation tomorrow at the hospital. Who knows? Maybe the Chief will want to weigh in."

"Dr. Sloan-"

"I'll meet you in the conference room, 5AM sharp."

Mark gave him one last glower then turned and stalked off towards the fence. Lexie followed suit. Meredith did too, stopping just long enough to pick up her bat. No way was she gonna miss her chance for a dramatic exit. Poor Avery just stood there, equal parts embarrassed and terrified.

"I'm sorry!" he called after them.

But Meredith ignored him. Avery had to realize he was screwed. No sense giving him any false hope. Since hooking up with Lexie, Mark had been far more sensitive about his reputation around the hospital. And he was fairly protective of his girlfriend as well. At this point, Avery would be lucky if he still had a job in the morning.

But as Meredith approached the fence, ready to hear all about Avery's imminent demise, she was met with a curious and rather astonishing sight. Mark Sloan, the man who'd just dressed down his underling in front of the world, the one who'd scared not one, but two Mercy Westers… _that guy_ was now huddled with Lexie… laughing… laughing so hard he was starting to cry.

All around them, people were scrambling, trying to figure out what to do next. Some were going to check on Avery. Others were meeting in their separate dugouts. And so Lexie was the only other person who could see Mark's reaction. And she appeared just as puzzled as Meredith.

"Mark?" She placed a hand on his back. "Mark, are you okay?"

She was growing concerned, probably worried that he was having a break down. But Mark merely grinned at her.

"And you say we never have fun…" He took in a breath as he nodded at Avery. "But that, _that _was fun."

Lexie stared at him for a long, long moment. And then slowly her face brightened. Her lips parted into a smile and she nudged Mark a little.

"You were messing with him."

"Of course I was messing with him." Mark was finally able to gather himself. He wiped his cheeks without shame, catching the last few tears in his sleeve. "You think I care what that kid thinks of us?"

Lexie was actually beaming as he gestured at Meredith.

"Do you care what he thinks of you, Big Grey?"

"No..."

It started to dawn on her now. Meredith really didn't care… not at all, not even a tiny bit. She'd already been through the rumor mill on numerous occasions. The truth was, she'd long since accepted her history and the mess that came with it.

"Still… if they say any more crap about Derek or Lexie…" That was an area where she wasn't so forgiving. "Then one of them's gonna get a bat to the stomach."

"Aww..." Lexie's smile grew even wider. She was touched by Meredith's threatened assault on a co-worker. "That's really kind of sweet."

"Notice how she didn't mention my name," Mark griped good-naturedly.

"Well you have a ways to go." Meredith tipped her bat at him. Mark Sloan wasn't out of the woods yet, not even close. She was still watching him, always on guard in case he screwed up.

"You have a long, _long _ways to go."

"I think I can handle it," Mark switched on the charm again. "Just you wait. By next year, you're gonna be defending me too."

That was a long shot... Meredith had warmed to the man, but she wasn't sure she could ever consider him family… though the way things were headed she might have to try.

"Dude, are we playing or not?"

Alex's voice pulled her back to the game… or what was left of it anyway. Half of their team was still lining the bench, waiting for someone to make a decision.

"Because honestly Mer, happy hour... That's all I'm saying."

Meredith rolled her eyes. After everything that had happened in the last five minutes, Alex's brain was still stuck on the bar. That was pretty much par for the course.

"Oh come on," he muttered as he saw her disdain. "Like you weren't thinking it."

"I wasn't."

"Liar."

"I wasn't!"

"Well _I_ was," Mark cut in out of nowhere. "Or at least I am now. That's a good call Karev."

He pointed at Alex, who was rather wary of the unexpected support. Mark's entrance into the conversation had certainly caught them all by surprise. But Alex managed to sputter some sort of acknowledgement before excusing himself to go talk to his teammates.

"So what do you say, Little Grey?" Mark shifted his focus back to Lexie who was definitely the most startled one in the group. "You up for a drink?"

"But… but what about Sloan?" Lexie's expression was a rather endearing battle between confusion and hope. Meredith knew she'd have to kick Mark's ass if tried to back out of this.

"I thought-" she started, then stopped again, still struggling to sort this out in her head. "Didn't you want to get back to her?"

"Sloan will be fine," Mark easily waved off her concerns. "I upgraded the cable. And she just got all those Lifetime movies."

"Lifetime movies?" Meredith curled her lip in disgust. God, that was even worse than Britney Spears. But Lexie looked pleased with this latest development.

"Well she has been begging you for that channel..."

"She has," Mark confirmed. "Morning, noon and night. I wasn't gonna cave, but I figured it might work out for all of us. We get some time away and she can hang out with all those crappy movies she loves..."

Meredith watched as Lexie's entire world suddenly changed. She finally had her boyfriend back to herself... for a little while anyway.

"She probably doesn't even realize we're gone."

Just the thought seemed to thrill her. Never before had someone been so happy about cable.

"Trust me…" Mark slipped his arm around Lexie's shoulders. "She'll be occupied for the next fifteen hours. All those stories about girls who kill their cheating boyfriends, she really gets into those."

"You know most of those are true, right?" Lexie gave him a mischievous grin then gently tugged on the edge of his jacket. "So you might want to take that message to heart."

"Touché." Mark let out a chuckle. "I'll keep that in mind."

Dammit… Even Meredith had to admit they were cute together. The guy with the teenage daughter and her sister, who was less than a decade removed from that age group herself. But who could say what worked any more? Meredith was hardly a relationship expert.

"So you ready to go?"

Mark was still thinking about happy hour, about that drink he was going to buy Lexie.

"First round's on me, Captain."

"Sounds perfect."

Lexie leaned in to kiss him. It was a fairly brief kiss, one that Meredith could actually watch. And then just as quickly Lexie stepped back, reaching for the bat that her sister still held.

"Just give me a minute." She scrunched up her nose and shot him another adorable smile. "I'm just gonna go and finish off Avery."

"Wait… you're what?" Meredith's joy for her sister abruptly turned to bewilderment. She was only too happy to watch Lexie's revenge. But there was one tiny problem…

"I thought I had to bat," she reminded the girl. "You _specifically_ told me that I had to bat. It was in the rules, or whatever."

"Yeah, but what are they gonna do?" Lexie smirked. "I think the rules just went out the window."

It was slightly devious, but awesome as well. Now that the situation with Mark was resolved, Lexie was ready to have some fun at the other team's expense. She nodded towards Avery, then Reed, who was silently pouting on the opposite bench.

"Avery's their captain. There's no way he's gonna protest if I stand in for you. Not after what they said."

"But what about your finger?" Mark indicated her injured pinky. "I put those stiches in there myself, but this might not be the best place to test them."

"Don't worry, I wouldn't mess up your handiwork."

Lexie gripped the bat easily, holding it out for them to see. Sure her pinky was sticking out awkwardly, but her swing was still strong and smooth.

"I may not be able to catch a ball, but I can certainly hit one straight at his shins."

"Thata girl." Mark clapped his hands together, as delighted as he'd ever been. "Let's see how fast Dr. Avery can move."

_Oh poor Avery… Poor soon to be bruised Dr. Avery…_

Meredith wanted to feel bad for him, but she really couldn't do it. The newbie had brought this all on himself.

"Go kick his ass, Lex!" She returned the thumbs up her sister had given her. "You totally got this."

Surprisingly enough, she had become the cheerleader. But for once, it was a position that Meredith could enjoy. She laughed as Lexie began her long march up to the plate.

"Go show them how it's done, Little Grey!"

And she knew Lexie would. Her sister had all the confidence in the world. Meredith didn't even need to watch her out there. So instead she directed her attention at Mark, the man who wanted so badly to join her family. His eyes were fixed on Lexie and Meredith could see each emotion that passed over his face.

Joy… pride… love. Always love.

A minute later, she heard the crack of the bat.

* * *

**There you go! A happy, fun flashback just for you guys. I'll admit it, for a few days I considered walking away from this story, not permanently, just for a semi-lengthy hiatus. It takes a lot of time and when I didn't hear from anyone, I started to question if it was worth it. But then you guys started reviewing and here came my motivation again! So thanks for that! I really wanted to finish this chapter and it was nice to find some inspiration. A special shout out to our newbie readers. I've often wondered just how long it takes to read this story in one sitting. I'm so excited that you've discovered it.**

**Anyway, I enjoyed revisiting this period of the show, that time when Mark and Lexie were happy and it was Seattle Grace versus Mercy West. Plus, softball… at some point we needed to get back to Lexie and softball… And Meredith's protective streak. The idea of her basically knocking Reed into the dirt… that always made me laugh. But honestly, my favorite part of writing this chapter was probably Lexie's big speech at the beginning. I always loved her speeches on the show, the way she'd get so into things or just ramble on forever. Those are honestly a blast to work on now.**

**Alright guys, hope you had fun with this. For those of you curious about where we go from here… it'll probably go back to present day Mark. And yes, we'll get to Derek as well. I'll try to keep updating in a timely manner. In the meantime, please review and remind me that somebody out there is still reading this… or at least I hope you are… :)**


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